My dad’s girlfriend has dementia. I will no sooner have all the bills out, banking for deposit ready to go. By the next day (morning) I find that she has gone through everything, undoing what has been done and basically making a mess of it all. Even opening up envelopes for bills ready for mail and the bank deposit with cash missing. Then says she doesn’t know what happened. Any advice?
DH aunt on the other hand would just throw the mail away.
To a person with dementia, there's no sense that a sealed envelope of any kind shouldn't be opened.
Personally, I would take all the mail and have it fwd to me or to a PO box. Hopefully all that might slip through to them would just be junk mail. To the day she died, mother got no fewer than 2 catalogs per day. And, she SAVED them ALL. We started culling through her mail in the last year or so of her life and pulled out the pleas for money (she always gave money to any cause that came along) and also most of the catalogs.
If you are able to start transferring all the bills to "on line" pay and email statements. Or make it even easier set up payments to go to a credit card so there is just 1 bill to pay.
She doesn't "know" what happened because she does not recall what she did, how she did it or why. All she "remembers" is that she used to do something with these papers.
I do hope that she is responsible for her bills only, for her support only. If she is living with your dad I hope that he is not using any of her assets to pay any of his bills. (without an agreement that was in writing prior to the dementia diagnosis.)
I just read your profile,. You are caring for your dad with dementia also?.
Is your dad living with the girlfriend? or she with him? Are they living alone(together)?
At what point is this not going to be safe for either?
Who is responsible (legally) for the girlfriend?
I have a feeling you live with Dad because no way should a person with Dementia be alone. And the GF, do you care for her too.
It is part of the broken brain, and sad that you are going through this with them. Please do not place blame or angrily accuse them.
Do not leave the paperwork out. At this point, even the lock box or small safe could grow legs. Do you live with them, or visit? Can you take the financials and important papers out of the house?
Forward mail to a P.O. box? It would be okay to receive all the mail, and drop off anything personal to them.
It is part of the common behaviors with dementia, but is not normal as the brain causes this. There is probably no intentional cause for this chaos.
There are paid fiduciaries who can take this chore on for you. But my advice is to do it yourself if possible, with a support team of bookkeepers, CPA's, attorneys, and fiduciaries. No one takes better care of our own finances than our own selves, imo.
Yes, it is normal for those with Alzheimer's/Dementia to go through paperwork. It's part of their past but they can no longer remember what to do with the paperwork. My boss' wife had Alzheimer's, and he had to keep his work files under lock and key in a desk, otherwise his wife [who use to work in the family business] would go through the files.
If you are Power of Attorney, and if you do not live with your Dad, just have all the bills forwarded to your home address. I did that with my own Dad when his caregiver found that he was tossing unopened bills into the recycling bin at his house.
If your Dad needs to sign the checks, go to the bank with Dad and have the bank allow you to sign the checks with your name, and add your name to the checks as "or" [your name].... you would need to bring along the Power of Attorney document. This made my job as POA so much easier when it came to bills, bank statements, etc.
Or - alternate idea - have all their expenses billed to their credit card. Make sure it's a $$ back credit card so you automatically get a savings on all of their utilities, food, etc. Then have only the credit card on their bank's autopay. Their expenses billed to the credit card will be paid automatically from the bank to the CC company once a month. There's no need to be going through this aggravation at all. Modern life is so wonderful. Seriously.
Short term memory is what allows us to accomplish the smallest of everyday tasks such as boiling an egg. To you and I, it's easy. We get out a pot, fill it with water, light the stove, put the pot onto the stove, wait for the water to boil, add the egg, lower the heat, wait for 10 minutes, and turn the heat off, pour out the water from the pot, and voila, a boiled egg. In reality, I just reeled off 10 steps to boiling an egg. A person with dementia and profound short term memory loss would likely forget what she was doing part-way through that task, and leave the pot on the stove w/o water. That's where short term memory problems become a huge problem. Or the person steps outside for a moment and finds herself in the freezing cold asking, how did I get here and why am I not wearing a coat? Or, worse yet, not even realizing they're outside, or that it's cold & they'll get frostbite in short order if they don't get back inside! #Truth
This is why a person with dementia needs 24/7 care and supervision; b/c the potential for mischief and getting into trouble is HUGE for them. They cannot remember the steps involved in the simplest of tasks, and that's how a pot gets left on the stove and burns the house down (potentially). Or bleach gets mixed with ammonia to 'clean' and asphyxiates them with toxic fumes.
Leave NO outgoing mail on the table, obviously. Take that mail with you or lock it up in a safe place, along with the cleaning supplies, knives, and anything else that could potentially kill them.
The best thing you can do is to educate yourself about dementia so you'll know what to expect moving forward. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.