Is it normal to feel depressed after a senior you cared for for 14 years has to be put into assisted living?
My husband and I have cared for my mother in law for the past 14 years. We put her into her own home next door to us after my father in law passed and she has been quite happy living here. Over the past 5 years or so she has developed dementia and it has gotten to the point that we had to take away her car keys last January when she came to our house at 9 PM barefoot and wearing cotton pj’s. It was below freezing outside. She had the car keys in her hand and said she was going home to California but could not get the car to turn off. She hasn’t lived in California since 1964. What happened was she had turned on the windshield wipers and couldn’t remember how to drive (thank God for that). That episode really scared us, and my husband and his sister began looking into a better living arrangement. We are moving her into a very nice assisted living place next week but I can’t stop this horrible feeling of depression that I have over having to put her there. I’m sure we are doing the right thing but I don’t feel good about it. I never expected this when we moved her here. I assumed she’d live out her days in her house doing the things she enjoyed and that’s how it would be. Life sure throws a monkey wrench into things, doesn’t it.
She may well love it in the facility.
If not, if she hates it, Here's Just a thought: Have you considered having a home health care aid come in?
Medicare can pay for up to 35 hours with a doctor's note, and the other time can be paid privately. It may be less expensive than assisted living, too.
Also, lock her car in a garage and take her keys away.
I hope the assisted living facility you've found for your mother-in-law is close enough that she can be visited frequently by you and your family -- if so, that will help with her transition as well as yours and it will naturally be much easier to monitor care and take corrective action if necessary. And I hope she adjusts as quickly and as well as my dad did -- I think he adjusted quicker and better than I did. His new home is the best place I could find within a 10-mile radius of my home and is only an easy 5-mile bike ride away, which greatly helps my daily visits there. Best wishes in your transition.
While I'm happy she is getting good care (and I know that she is because I worked at that facility for several yrs), I do find myself missing her terribly at times. Which is crazy on the face of it, because she hasn't been here for over a year, really, except physically. It is what it is though, so I feel you. {{hugs}}
HUGS AND LOVE 2 U for being who you are and for all you do for those you love, they are truly blessed to have you. It is completely normal to feel the loss of a loved one, the slow goodbye (dementia) is one of the hardest losses, they are gone but not gone. Visit and love her and take care of you during this transition, it will feel better when you see that she is safe and cared for, her emotions might be all over the place at this time, which is completely normal for dementia and change. Be patient and non-reactive during the adjustment period, take things in stride , as this could be a rollercoaster for a while but, knowing that should help you. I'll pray that it is a smooth transition for all of you.
Take others bad experiences with a grain of salt, one bad situation does not make an entire facility bad, nor does one good situation make a good facility. You are a caregiver and you will know if all is well, as I am completely sure that all due diligence was used to pick her new home and it is the best option available. HUGS!!
I disagree with Katie22 about NHs in Ohio. I am from Ohio and my father lived in an assisted living facility in Ohio, followed by the nursing home at the same complex. I did my homework before I placed him at that facility, took a tour, asked questions, researched any complaints online, etc. - just like any adult child should "do their homework" before they place their elderly parent in an AL or NH environment. Some places are terrible, some places are wonderful - but most are in-between. There is no state that has the "corner on the market" in terms of NH quality.
It's always depressing when one needs to place their elderly relative into a care facility - but it is the safest and most caring thing you can do for them.
I believe our loved ones have better a quality of life there - there may be a short adjustment period for both you & MIL as this will be a major change in the dynamics of each day - at random times you will find yourself saying to yourself 'I wonder if she needs this' then you will remember all her needs are being met at her new place [happens most of often in a store]
Good luck in you adjustment - hugs from all
You must be a fantastic caregiver to be this upset. I am sorry it has come to this for you.
As for elderly residents walking out of their facilities, it definitely depends on the facility itself. Most assisted living facilities have a code that you need to use to enter or leave the building. Sometimes the receptionist will be the person who activates the door release from their desk.
Unfortunately some facilities post the code on the wall right next to the keypad. The elderly can be sneaky and I know of a situation where a resident memorized the code and used to let himself out because he wanted to go to a local bar and watch a game with his friends. Since it was a small town, he routinely walked to the bar while living at home and saw no reason why he couldn't do that while living at the assisted living facility. Curiously, he couldn't find his way from the dining room to his room at the assisted living facility :)
As for elders walking out of their facilities, it all depends on the facility itself. The one my Dad was in had a Receptionist at the front door and none of the residents with memory issues were allowed out the front door being alone. After hours the building was secure. Only way to enter the building was by using a code, and a code to leave the building. Even the elevator was coded.
Ask where your Mom-in-law will be living what is the routine at night regarding locking the front door of the building, etc. And what do you do if you need to visit Mom after hours.
My Dad was in a senior facility and he really enjoyed having so many people wait on him :) He had weekly housekeeping, weekly linen service, and all his meals were served in the dining room menu stye... and he loved that food. And what he really liked he was around people of his own generation.
My Mom [98] refused caregivers or even the thought of downsizing to a 55+ community. So my Dad [94] was her caregiver, and vise versa. Their stock answer was "we can manage".
My Dad never expected the senior facility to look like a hotel. Dad adjusted quite quickly, but I do know there are many seniors who it will take months to adjust to a new residence so don't worry if that happens with your Mom. And do not think about bringing Mom back to her home. That would not be in her best interest.