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My mother’s personality, behavior, and hygiene has changed so drastically from who she was, I know it’s the disease behind these changes but I feel so empty when I think of her and it scares me that my memories of her will be tainted by dementia.


She’s in a good care situation, which I’m blessed we were able to find, but I’m struggling with my mom, not being my mom. Is it normal to have these feelings?

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Yes. You've know your mother as one person for X amount of years, then quite quickly the person you knew changed drastically. Your feelings are VERY normal and to be expected.
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The answer is yes. Hopefully your mother's hygiene care is addressed with her in a facility. It may not be ideal but likely is better than if she was dealing with it on her own or if it was solely left to you to deal with.

I have been sad and embarrassed by my mother's physical state for years. She is overweight. When she was in AL she would gravitate to the same tired clothing even when I would buy her new and comfortable clothing. It was painstaking to get rid of a very tired looking top that showed great signs of wear. I would take certain items home to try to get rid of set in stains. I was secretly overjoyed when one particular sweater she wore constantly went missing. Of course I had to go out and find replacements but I could stop seeing her in this same stained worn out piece.

Now my mother is in a NH basically immobile. I wish for the AL days. It has all been made so much more difficult because when she became more ill I had not seen her or had been to her room for 6 months due to Covid. A number of items I know she had went missing and I was not allowed in to clean out her room due to Covid.

Regarding mental states there are continuing new normals down the ladder. I just try to find the little positives but I do find it all very depressing and find myself just asking why this is all happening at such a slow pace and where I can find any inner strength. I know she can never see my home again and that makes me very sad.

There are other situations in my life that are stressful and I constantly find myself asking God for some relief. I have to constantly remind myself about the positives in my life and hope to derive strength from them. I just wish there were some more positives to take some mental weight off. My mother's condition is a constant sad situation to always have to come to terms with.
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Kitty19 Apr 2021
Thanks for taking time to reply and share your situation, this can be a lonely journey, and it’s good knowing there is a circle of understanding.
The hygiene is an on going touchy issue, in moms other life she was always well groomed and meticulous about her looks and dress. Now she’s verbally and physically aggressive about being bathed, and more importantly changing her depends. It’s been a battle but she is now being bathed at least weekly.
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I was just thinking about this the other day. 5 years ago when my father moved into our guest home I used to enjoy our daily walks together with the dog. We used to have great in depth conversations. Now it’s so sad I have to limit my time with him to keep my own sanity. He’s usually in a mood and I can only take so much. I guess the days of walking the dog are over. Maybe we have to force ourselves to remember who they were before dementia took over?
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Kitty19 Apr 2021
I was thinking the past year of having restrictions to see mom due to Covid, was a blessing the emotional turmoil I was going through after a visit with listening to her negativity and nastiness about me, and her situation was taking a toll, and then the guilt because I know I was fighting a disease that I had no control.
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Yes, same for my dad. I began helping with his care 6 years ago. He is 94 and in memory care now. I am working through things at his house, that he still owns, and I sometimes come across papers or pictures from back then and I am in disbelief as to where we were then to where we are now. Neighbors sometime stop by to ask how he is doing. They remember him taking walks up and down the street (he is in a wheelchair now). They remember he and his wife working in the yard (she passed away in 2015) etc.
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Kitty19 Apr 2021
Thanks Babs,
for taking time to share with me I definitely identify to what you said about thinking of memories of who my mom was, to the new person she has become. This is a disease that affects all involved.
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I struggle every single day to consciously remember my mother is MY MOTHER. The mom I knew is long gone, but I have to remind myself that she's someone I love very much and who still needs that love even if she doesn't always know who I am.
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My mom is 95. She is in the process of dying in a hospice house. She hasn’t spoken or opened her eyes in days.

She developed slight dementia not long ago.

She has suffered with Parkinson’s disease for quite a while. It’s a brutal disease.

No matter what the disease is, it is hard to see a parent changing before our eyes.

I don’t see how our feelings can stay the same when our situations change so drastically. Our parents become an empty shell, that they once inhabited.

It is especially hard now for me now.

I visit my mom in hospice. I look at her. Her eyes are closed. Her mouth is wide open.

She’s completely non responsive, yet I tell her that I love her.

I pray beside her bed that she will have a peaceful death.

I am grateful that she is pain free and being cared for with compassion.

A part of me doesn’t want to lose her so I can continue to speak with her about so many things, yet I want her to be free to join my father and brother in heaven.

I understand that you are struggling with your emotions. So am I. Many of us are.

I am glad that we have each other on this forum to share our thoughts and feelings.

You know, I thought that I would be relieved after watching mom suffer endlessly, after being exhausted as a caregiver and so on, but this is hard too, the lingering, waiting for this life to end.

I do find comfort knowing that she will soon embrace her new life with my dad.

I should remember how this feels from watching my father die, and my brother die, but I suppose each time it’s a bit different.
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bundleofjoy Apr 2021
huge hugs to you, your mother, your family, in this very difficult time!

bundle
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Kitty, Maybe the desensitization you feel is a form of self-preservation. To witness the mental decline of a parent is devastating. So our mind numbs itself to the pain? I don't know, but I experienced the same thing. I call it emotional distancing. It helped me cope. After awhile, when I was better able to handle it, the feelings came back. Maybe that's what's happening to you. (((hugs)))
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It is normal.

I have found that as time moves on and your perspective continues to change, your memories of the person recover - the dementia doesn't loom so large, you remember more of the person in earlier years. And, I suppose, as you get older yourself, you begin to understand something more of the young adult your parent was before you were even thought of!

Yesterday I met a new client, recovering from sepsis but also - under investigation - possibly affected by dementia. We are to prompt safe mobility and ensure that he does not move around without his walking frame and the Assistance Of 1 [person].

His favourite book is "Memoirs of an Infantry Subaltern" by Siegfried Sassoon (very battered copy by his chair). He is an accomplished pianist. The point is that having something to talk to him about *apart* from his frailty and his unreliable memory makes the bedtime routine far pleasanter for him. Then he's less apt to feel patronised if you point out that using his walking frame will make it much easier to balance while he's putting his pj pants on.

For you, while you're going through this journey and you really can't see your mother for the dementia - because it's all much too close up - try drawing on other parts of her life. Magazines, photograph albums, news stories could give you topics of conversation that are totally unconnected with her daily care needs now, and allow you a few minutes in your real mother's company :)

Hugs to you.
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PoofyGoof Apr 2021
Thanks for noting the book. This man sounds a lot like my dad and I just ordered it for him.
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Thanks to all who took time to share with me, this can be a lonely journey, I find myself going through self doubt and guilt even though rationally I know doing best I can for mom. It’s uplifting to hear from others who can relate to dealing with a loved one with declining cognitive issues.
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Sharonheart1942 Apr 2021
My husband passed a little over a year ago of Altzheimers but indirectly pneumonia killed him. I liked Margaret's analogy of the mountains and the foothills. I too have a hard time thinking of my husband without seeing the end days and I hope with time I will be able to do that. I often wanted to hide from him, just not face him because it was so hard to watch. Then I felt guilty that I didn't spend more time with him trying to talk to him. When I did I would be so frustrated that I even tried. I think it was my defense mechanism to just distance myself. I think you said your mother is in a home. My mother was also and had Altzheimers. Having been through it twice now, I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't recognize them. It's very sad for you, maybe worse because the Alzheimers patient doesn't realize what they do and we are keenly aware. My prayers are with you!
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In his final months my father became exactly the man he never wanted to be. We even had to separate him from mom for the first time in 60 years of marriage. Like everyone, I found it so difficult, to watch. I realized I compartmentalized my brain and my feelings, focusing on responding to the needs of the person he had become, and supporting mom through it. (Both parents had dementia.) During dad's final days and through the funeral I was the person everyone leaned on (oldest child), and as executor I had things to take care of. So my feelings remained compartmentalized. I approached it all very intellectually, knowing dad never wanted to be that person and death was a relief for him. When the one year anniversary of his death came, so did my grief. November was a big month for my dad, born on the 15, married the 22, and died the 27. So when that first November came I found myself in a deep depression. I had so effectively compartmentalized my feelings that I didn't even understand what was happening at first. It took me several months to get back to myself. And now, I revel in the good memories of my dad. I miss him terribly. All this to say that his death in a way gave him back to me. I believe your good memories and good feelings toward your loved one will indeed return when you are all broken fee of the bonds of this terrible disease. Blessings to you.
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I’m so glad you asked this because even tho I’ve seen much written on this here, somehow it helped much more. I find myself hiding from my mom at times cuz idk who she is anymore...I know it’s the disease but come on! THIS IS HARD
Thank you for asking n thanks to all the great responses
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It took a few years to 'forget' the man my daddy became b/c of Parkinson's. But it did come back, and I worked on remembering the daddy I had for my life until I was 45 or so. He was always kind and loving, but the pain he experienced was so awful, he was always just totally stoned. THAT wasn't my dad.

Now mom is rapidly going downhill. She care barely walk, barely care for herself. YB will NOT allow CG's in and she desperately needs them. She'll tell me she's showered and gotten ready for the day, but the shower it totally dry and she smells so awful. I think she brings it up b/c she wants me to think how independent she is, but she really, really needs help.

Somewhere in this hunched over, shaky old woman is my mom. I don't see much of her in this person. It's really sad.

And she could live 5-10 more years. The year od COVID took the starch out of her and I don't think she will recover from the loneliness.

I know I'll forget, to a degree, the person she's become, but it will take a long time. That's just the way it is, sadly.
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"Alzheimer's disease and other dementias, are unique disease processes in that the person with the disease dies what is referred to by Alzheimer's families as "two" deaths: the slow psychological receding of the person they know over years and their eventual physical death."

As noted, what you're feeling isn't uncommon. It could be a form of self-preservation, an aspect of the grief noted above. The quote is from an article, Dementia Grief - What Makes It Unique? (www.dementia.org/dementia-grief-characteristics)

You are basically dealing with a new person. Meet that new person as you hold on to your memories of the person who's gone. You'll be alright.
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My mother’s final weeks and death were overwhelming for me. I found it very difficult to get past those memories, back to the time before her end of life when she was so different. But yes, I did get there. Now I remember easily the time before, and rarely think of the difficult end.

I think of it as being like the view of a mountain range. When you are close, all you can see are the foothills. As you get further away, the foothills seem to shrink down, and what you see are the high hills behind them. The high hills are your memories of the past, and they are much much bigger and more important than the little hills that block your vision of the big picture while you are still so close. Have courage!
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Sharonheart1942 Apr 2021
Margaret, I like your analogy very much. I hope as I get further away from my husband's hard times and mine in dealing with Altzheimers that it will be the same for me. It has been a little over a year and so far it is hard to remember the mountain peaks but I will hang on to that thought. I hope the person who posted this does also. Thanks
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The objective approach is one way of dealing with the loss of the mom you knew. Dr. Kubler-Ross outlined 5 stages of grieving a loss and this may help you.
Stage 1 - denial (having a hard time believing loss has or is happening)
Stage 2 - anger (mad that this is happening)
Stage 3 - bargaining (actions to try to change situation)
Stage 4 - depression (the sadness finally starts to occur)
Stage 5 - acceptance (finding peace)

So your feelings are normal. As you come to terms with this is who she is now, you should find peace.
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That is exactly the way I felt about my mother's decline.
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I would actually hope there had been some distancing or detaching going on as a defense mechanism. One can only handle so much before it becomes traumatic. I wish you peace and better memories (((hugs))).
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Kitty19: Something very unexpected (but should have not been) happened to my sister in law, who suffered from Alzheimer's. A caregiver gave her the Novel Coronavirus, which was her cause of death on March 20, 2021, sadly.
I can understand your feelings about your mother. I was unable to see my sister in law before she passed away as I was in the hospital with pneumonia.
Take care.💖
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I think your feelings are normal. I also worry that I will only be able to have memories of who my Mom is now and not be able to bring back all the happy memories, the fun memories, I have of her before dementia.

My "real" Mom has been gone for a long time. :(
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