My 83 yr. old mom lives by herself and has a vein issue that prevents her from walk very well. She's in a lot of pain and spends most of her day sleeping or sitting on the couch. She also has episodes of extreme high BP that is anxiety related.
For the past 3 months I have taken her to many doctors/tests, and it was determined that a vein issue is the problem. She is supposed to wear compression socks for 3 months then an outpatient surgery to correct the issue. Since the diagnosis, she is making up excuses for not getting the socks. Since she's in too much pain to drive, so I have gone over to pick her up 3 times and each time she makes an excuse not to go.
She also is not paying her bills, got scammed out of $2000, had her phone disconnected for not paying her bill and had her checking acct hacked and had another $600 taken out. Since she won't put me on her accts, I can't help her with her bank issues. She won't call the bank to try to fix things. She wants to go to the bank and talk to someone. I went over today to take her, but she said she was in too much pain. I explained that she has a negative balance and checks aren't being cashed and she's racking up bank charges for each one. My mom isn't concerned at all. She doesn't have unlimited funds.
I do everything for her (shopping, driving, cleaning, keep track of her Dr. appts/meds, etc.) and I got yelled at by her today that I'm always in her business and that I should just worry about myself.
I'm an only child so I can't get help from anyone else. Is it ok for me to back off and stop doing things for her? I'm thinking that once she runs out of food, meds and money she will want me to help again. I feel guilty for even thinking of this tactic. My husband thinks this is a good idea, but I'm not sure.
You wrote above: "I do everything for her (shopping, driving, cleaning, keep track of her dr appts/meds, etc) and I got yelled at by her today that I'm always in her business and that I should just worry about myself.
I'm an only child so I can't get help from anyone else. Is it ok for me to back off and stop doing things for her? I'm thinking that once she runs out of food, meds and money she will want me to help again?"
Do you WANT to continue doing everything for her? What is the plan for when she needs in-home help (or a facility)? Are you going to move in with her? Is she going to move in with you? You are 56/57 -- do you work? Is this what you want your retirement to look like?
It is ok to "change* how I help.
Mom wants to be in charge. Reasoning, requesting, maybe even nagging or pleading isn't working so well.
Action can speak louder than words. So without leaving her unsafe, think about each issue.
For each task/issue;
* Set out the choice.
* Ask Mom to decide.
* The consequence is hers.
She is free to revisit & Change Her Mind at any time (leave that space open for her).
Eg #1: Mom your supply of milk & shampoo is low.
Do you want me to arrange some grocery deliveries?
Yes? Good.
No? Ok.. but you will run out soon.
I will ask you again next week.
Consequence: A week of black coffee & unwashed hair never hurt anyone.
Eg #2: Mom here is your gas bill. It is due next week. I can help you pay it (phone up or write a cheque etc).
Yes? Good.
No?. Ok... but you had may get turned off & you will have no hot water.
I can ask you again next week.
Consequence: Late notice or gas cut off. Maybe a late fee or extra cost to set back up.
Right now, Mom says no & you wear the stress of the consequence. The result needs to be felt by Mom - so it breaks down her denial that she is still *independent*.
It's not helping as before.
It's not NOT helping.
It's a new version.
What do you think?
Can you try to have a calm, loving conversation with her when her bills aren't due, she doesn't have a doctor's appointment, and when her compression stockings aren't discussed? Can she have a rational conversation about your desire to help her stay home and get on track? Rather than attack with all the problems that need to be dealt with, try starting with just one.
How about if you offer to write out the checks for her bills, she signs them, and you take them to the post office? She doesn't get to say she'll sign them later -- you do them together. That might open the door to her letting you take over more with the finances.
When I helped my mother execute her POA in caring for my aunt with Lewy Body Dementia, I was always concerned with things happening to her on my "watch". I also didn't like the inconvenience of being called during an important meeting by someone letting me know she was lost, or had been bothering the store keeper for hours after the home's bus dropped her off and did not come back... and the list goes on. Balancing the "not on my watch" ,with the insidious ways her care interrupted my life time and again, because she was neither safe nor capable of living outside a memory care facility with locked doors, was difficult.
In the end, I moved her to a memory care facility, but before that, enlisted every agency and help I could to get out of the direct line of fire. This way I had done my best to care for her and myself.
Which I need to now do with my father which is a story posted elsewhere.
((hugs))
TRUST: if a parent doesn't or WON'T learn to trust you in your lifetime before things go awry, they are not likely to do so when their best clarity of mind is gone. Trust is built by your character being worthy of it over & over again building a picture that can be readily trusted. Some people won't build that picture regardless of how your behavior has warranted it.
PRIDE: fierce self-determination & fierce self dependance look admirable but they are useless. Reason. their fuel is PRIDE, most deadly enemy we all face. PRIDE can commit genocide and feel good, clean, on moral high ground. PRIDE is a narcotic to the soul. PRIDE is what causes self-delusion in people, blinding them to themselves while everyone around them is being harmed. PRIDE deafens the ears to hear their pleas, even screams "Your hurting me", because like in genocide, PRIDE callouses the heart. PRIDE is singular man/woman standing on pure opinion alone ie their own, standing against an ocean of people disagreeing with them and being unshaken because they are RIGHT, so the ocean is WRONG. Looks like strength but it is destruction only.
Bible teaches Satan who use to be Lucifer was taken down by pride, pride in his ability to administrate in Ezekiel "King of Tyre". Pride then is the essence of what he "Satan" let loose in mankind in the garden narrative with the tree of the knowledge of moral good and ethical evil. We all suffer it, both internal and external from others. To the degree a man or woman serve pride, kneeling at its alter and relying on it, he/she is fooled and rendered a destructive element to any & all who come across them. The closer you are the more destructive they become.
Is this your mother's problem? That is up to you to decide. Just throwing out the facts with human relationship & man's fallen nature in a nutshell for you. Pride is a seducer, to many a drug, completely addicted and lifetime addicts. For others, far less, just degrees from 1 to 100 given the person. This one 10% infected, another 30%, still another 7%. But we are all born infected with pride. Feed the wolf it gets stronger, starve the wolf it gets weaker.
I'll leave before the Satan part as not my bag, but thankyou for your input.
Have you considered calling APS and telling them that she is neglecting her health and finances?
Best wishes to you and your mom.