Is it possible to harden oneself when being a caregiver to a parent?

sending big hugs, compassion and empathy, to you shayze!

i think you’re asking how to feel less pain when your mother abuses/mistreats you.

i think it might not be possible.

mean people tend to feel less hurt from other mean people. in other words, the more you destroy your conscience, the less pain you feel.

if you’re a kind, sweet person, mean people’s bad behavior will hurt you, because you could never imagine behaving that way.

if you would behave the same way, you wouldn’t feel so hurt because you would think, “oh yeah, this doesn’t hurt at all, because i do the same towards X, Y, Z.”

however, becoming a mean person is obviously out of the question.

so what solution is there?
unfortunately, i think only this:

1.less contact with abuser. you’ll see that if you’re physically away, you start feeling much better...after some days/weeks.
but, some of us live with the abuser. then indeed it’s very hard to escape.

2.the way she treats you is probably directly linked to her mood. if she’s happy about something, she probably treats you better.
so how to make them more happy?
but, some abusers enjoy being unhappy. they especially ENJOY making you UNHAPPY. it’s intentional. it’s not that they don’t know what they’re doing/saying. they know very well and choose their target, often the daughter. why the daughter? because they’re jealous of the daughter. if the daughter’s not available, then next target.

it’s hard.
the only real way i see, is to physically take breaks, get away when you can.

hug!!!

It's interesting how those hot buttons we had as a child are still there for mothers to push when we are adults. You might have to see a therapist or counselor to get to the bottom of your feelings, if you can't hold on to your own boundaries. You are a successful adult, wife and mother. Keep those thoughts when you are with your mother and don't let her push you around. You are letting her into your mind and feelings. Try not to let her get into your mind. When you are not with her, decide what you want to be with her. Can she afford to find someone else to do her housekeeping? What else do you do that someone else could do? She'll need help at age 90, but you don't have to do everything. Medicare may pay for some housekeeping and caregiver help so that you can have some breaks. Talk to a social worker about Medicare/Medicaid options in your area. If it's too much for you, would she be willing to move to assisted living? You have to give priority to your own family and yourself. Forgive your mother for not being as loving as you wish she would be, and forgive yourself for not being superwoman.

You poor lady! You do need your life back. You need in home care for your mother that she pays for and you manage. No one person can care for a demanding, self centered person like this without losing a part of herself. I just went through something similar with one of my sisters. If there is no other family to help then definitely hiring help is the best option. Look for someone recommended through church or other friends. Put the word out so you can find a reliable person at a reasonable fee.

You need to realize your mom is completely selfish at this stage of her life. So get help and get out of the house. Exercise, go on a date with your husband. And know that you are loved and appreciated, you are a good person. Be firm but loving with Mom and tell her things are going to be different but she’ll be well taken care of.

Try to get her to understand that what she says can make a caregiver love and appreciate her, or it can make them look forward to leaving her as soon as possible. She needs to be part of the solution not the problem. Being appreciative is a good start.

Good luck and God Bless!

Maureen

I read your post several times. You definitely sound burned out and in need of an extended break. You need to take better care of yourself, akin to putting on your own oxygen mask before putting masks on others. If you have not pursued therapy, I would recommend looking into that.

Is there any way you could have your mom placed? It sounds like she has a lot of needs, which can be overwhelming.

Has your mother always been difficult? That presents a whole other set of problems. You are well within your rights to set boundaries and expect them to be respected. Say no when you need to. Is there another family member who can help? Does Mom have funds that would pay for help or respite time for you?

Please take time for your husband and family. Plan an outing with friends. Please value yourself and what you are contributing to you mother’s care. I’m glad you posted today. Let us know how you’re doing. We care.

It sounds like its time (or past time maybe) that you should find a caregiver to come in with her every day so you can have a break. Pay for it with HER funds and if she is to the point of not being able to be alone by herself, time to discuss with her about an AL place where she can be on her on but someone will check on her everyday. OR if a doctor can find her unable to care for her and YOU state that NO ONE is available anymore to care for her, then she would have to be placed into a NH. You should also be in contact with an Elder Attorney to help in these matters. ARE YOU a POA? if not, then you really can quit doing stuff altogether and walk away but it sounds like you are not that type of person. So, if NOT POA, still contact Elder Attorney to find out what can be done and let your mother know that you no longer can care for her and that other arrangements will be made at her expense (elder care attorney can help with medicaid also). Do something now BEFORE YOU have health issues that cannot be reversed.....and enjoy the remaining years with your hubby. I sure wish you luck.....it IS hard.

Only way to harden yourself from the hurtful things your mother is inflicting on you is to love her less and/or pity her more. Well. how do you that? Do you have another compassion? Another LO who can share your problems with? You need to start to move yourself outside this hurtful environment.

Imho, your mother is "on your last nerve." Her care and her character or attitude have practically sent you over the edge. This must be amended. Do not buy into acrimony, lest you fall faint and ill and are good to no one, MOST importantly YOURSELF.

I feel like I could have written this. Boy do I feel for you. I feel like I have zero reasons to even try to live my life anymore.

Like you, I have cared for my mom all my life. It was always me who did everything and anything for her. I was always the responsible one, but she still lashed out her criticisms of anything I did constantly.

The world had to evolve around her. Finally at age of 55 because I was having a nervous breakdown, I decided I had to get away from her and moved away. The phone calls never stopped and neither did the criticism.

My only sibling was tragically killed 30 years ago. He was my
closest friend and my “person”. He and I always felt like all we had was each other. I still felt bad for my mom and made sure I was there for her even though I know I was closer to my brother than she had ever been. She made sure to tell us constantly she never wanted kids and always said I was just like my father when she was mad. (My mom was married 4 times.)

Years later my only child was murdered and I never got the same support from her.

Then she gets dementia and I have no choice, but to take care of her and she is still the same person, but it’s like dementia on crack now. I swear she is playing me even worse now, but I know she is now mentally ill.

I am sure you feel like I do. Torn on doing “right” thing or going completely insane. I wish I did not feel so guilty for hating to be around her. She has sucked the life out of me for so long. Even my daughter when she was alive did not like being around her at all.

I read on article on this site called Compassion fatigue….you may relate to it like I did.

Somehow we need to realize we are as important as they are. Even though I can’t stand to be around her, I still worry about her and would never mistreat her or abandon her.

I just wish she had cared for everyone else’s feelings like she expected them to care about hers.

I read stories about so many people that dementia and sickness has taken away loving parents. Mine have always been mean, selfish, and uncaring.

Wish I had some good advise….all I can offer is ((Hugs)) and understanding.

You are Burnt out and need to let mom that you aren't able to be doing everything
for her any longer.

You need to have help so hire a Caregiver to come in to give you a break or show mom some Senior places that she will have to go to if ya'll come to some kind of agreement.

Shayze, go stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself "I am a good person. I am loved by my husband, my children and many friends. My mother is a broken person, incapable of showing me the love I deserve. " Do it multiple times a day.

Next, imagine you are surrounded by a beautiful crystal bubble. The only words that can enter are kind, loving words. All other words can't get thru. None of the ugly things your mom says or does can't get to you to hurt you.

Sending you giant hugs.

Research online about daughters of narcissistic mothers. There are a ton of resources. If you were lucky enough to get married and have 2 wonderful children, your abuse probably wasn't as bad as some of us - not a competition, just mentioning as some of my advice may not apply. The long and the short of it: there's low contact and no contact. (You'll see better explanations of these when you research.). You can hopefully figure out what will work best for you to not have your senior years filled with misery.

By 'harden' yourself, do you mean protect? Add a barrier - boundaries?

Yes it is possible. The hard part is you have to change yourself. But baby steps are still steps. Never too late to start 😊

So sorry.. I get this as a 70 yr old daughter of an 87 yr old life long depressive mom..mom now has Lewy Body Dementia .. so many needs.. so many complaints…In the first year I felt exactly like you! After a few months of counseling I am able to be happy even with moms needs! Try counseling.. it’s so worth it.. ps I put her in assisted living… more peaceful…God Bless

I understand these feelings. Many times I have managed to ruin vacations, educational experiences, "fun times" due to worrying about what one of my parents might "say." Also, I have declined many opportunities to do things fearing the "What if something happens to mom or dad?" This is a horrible way to live. I am slowly working my way from this continuous mindset. I have had to distance myself from my own mom. I call her regularly, but I cannot be myself around her or she makes hurtful remarks. She has to be the center of attention at all times. Counseling has helped me so much. I chose BetterHelp.com for counseling. While cleaning out my dad's house (parents are divorced), I found several letters my mom had written while she and my dad were dating and engaged. They were very telling. She was the "same" way back then! I have to constantly remind myself that I have to put myself first (it's hard when you aren't used to doing this!). I matter. My mom was definitely doing her "own" thing at my age. I hope my experience helps you. I know that I have had to take off the "Super Daughter" cape. I cannot and will not do the caregiving I did for my dad for her. She is remarried and her husband can help her.

I suggest joining a CareTakers group . It has helped me over these last 4 years. I had been feeling a lot of the same feeling that you wrote about . It took me years to learn that people could not do those things to ME anymore….unless “I” allowed it … I distinctly remember the first time I said NO. I was scared . I was surprise, the sky did not fall . 🤔. I will also admit it took a long time to bring it back to ME instead of the other person (a husband ) in my case. .I did not know , what I did not know ! I AM JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSE ! There is help out there, for you .. But you are the only one that can make the decision to get it . It is not going to be easy. You have all those years to work thru. The most simple fact is that you CAN’T change her but you CAN change your self . Doesn’t seem fair but that’s life . You are not alone. Go talk the that woman you see in the mirror. You might find strength in her that you didn’t know you had . CareTakers Meeting !
Say what you mean , mean what you say, don’t say it in a mean way ….. warm thoughts.

Yes. My favorite quote is "you can’t change other people, you can only change your reaction to them." You know your mother is not going to change, she is never going to be that warm, loving June Cleaver that we all desire. So stop beating yourself up and start taking care of yourself. Focus on the family that loves and cares for you and don’t frustrate yourself, and them, chasing after a phantasy mother. Make sure she is safe and cared for, that's all you owe her. Good luck.

Dearest Shayze,
It sounds like your relationship with your mother has always been troubled. it sounds like you have tried so hard to be a good daughter - kind, helpful, attentive, obedient... and it is never enough. Right? She manipulates your emotions and blackmails you for her own purposes.
In addition, it sounds like you are her sole caregiver. You are with her all the time. You have been thrust back into this abusive relationship without an end in sight.
No law states that you must do caregiving for your parents, or anybody - except for your minor children. So realize, that you have choice in whether or not you do the hands-on caregiving for your mother.
May I make a few suggestions?
Start researching your mom's finances. Her resources should be footing the majority of her care. Some may say that her resources should foot ALL of the bill for her care. See what she has and that will help you to know what caregiving options she qualifies for, beside staying with you.
Start researching all the different types of caregiving options your mother qualifies for in your area. Assisted living is for those who can afford the rental of one of their units. Living with family is for those whose family have adequate abilities to do the tasks needed and enough people to cover the amount of time required for caring. Nursing homes are for those who need skilled care - beyond the abilities of their families - and need round the clock care - which no 1 person can do at home. Home health aides and sitters are for those with enough finances to cover the cost. Adult day programs are Monday - Friday daytime options to allow families to work during the day while qualified aides care for their loved ones in either a nursing home or personal care home. Social Services can help you. Many social workers can be found at hospitals, department of aging with cities, police can also guide you to sources....
Please get your mother into another caregiving situation. It is really hard to be objective with a long history of abuse. Some may say that "hardening your heart" can cause you to be hard to all people. It may be better to stay loving, kind, and sensitive... but not have to deal with an abuser day in and day out.
Please make your mental and physical health a priority. Get a thorough evaluation from your medical doctor to evaluate and treat any medical problems that have cropped up since caring for your mom. In addition, please commit to seeing a psychiatrist and counsellor for your mental health issues from dealing with an abusive parent. Psychotrophic medications can help deal with symptoms while you work on changing aspects of your life that are causing so much distress.
I am a Christian. I find comfort in belonging to Jesus Christ and meeting up with His local family - the church. You will find people in the church who will pray with you, pray for you, be a shoulder to lean/cry on, and a source of help. Give Him a try.

"I want to escape so bad!"

Do you live with her or her with you? From your profile it doesn't sound like she needs help all day every day.

Even if you do live together, can you not make time to do the things YOU like to do and want to do? If she's living alone or with you and needs help, can her assets be used to hire care-givers? At 90+ my mother was still living alone in her condo. Hiring aides was the plan, so she could remain there longer (early dementia), but less than 2 months later, she refused to let them in (1hr/day only, to check on her, make sure meds taken with plans to incr duty and time as needed.)

Her attitude and depression are hers to own, not yours. We can't change other people, their attitudes nor can we make them happy, that comes from within. Try to ignore the things she says.

"I am just her broom to be taken out when a chore needs to be done or she wants something."

This happens a lot. You certainly aren't alone, not that it makes the situation any better. But, knowing that you ARE a real person, who has strength (and weaknesses to work on!) and value is what you need to focus on. You are NOT what she might say or imply.

"Oh, how I wish she would love me for me!"

If wishes were horses... You said she says she loves you and that you are her "Angel" - why not focus on that and ignore the snark and selfishness? Along with not being able to change other people, we can't make them love us any more than they do, nor can we make them verbalize or show it more. Take what you can and ignore the rest!

"Who am I anymore though? I guess just a caregiver, a nobody, a person not allowed to have dreams unless they involve a “what to do about mom.”"

You ARE a person. You HAVE dreams, work on them, even if only a little bit each day. Your mother does NOT define you, nor does helping her define you. You certainly are NOT a nobody.

"How will she react?"
Does it really matter? Whether she gets angry or is overjoyed, that's her. We can't dictate it, she'll react however and it's HER problem, not yours.

"What will the payback be?"

If she's already "emptied me of joy and peaceful thought.", can she really do any more? You also don't have to accept ANY payback.

"I’m in a pit of exhaustion and endless anxiety."

Again, how much help does mom need? If she really doesn't need 24/7, then don't be there 24/7. Focus on needs, not wants. Get out and do things for YOU.

"How can my mother who supposedly loves me push me into this state. I don’t know what to do to guard myself against her control."

One step at a time. When she wants you to do something that she could do herself, refuse. Doesn't matter how she reacts, just say NO and walk away. Each time it should get a little easier. Be strong. Be that person you REALLY are, not the image mom has created for you.

"Am I weak, or stupid, or just vulnerable."

I would guess vulnerable. If you've grown up with this, you've more or less been "trained" to be mom's lapdog. Recognition is the first step to making changes.

"...I am a 62 woman, a wife of 42 years, and a mother of 2 wonderful adults."

There, you see, you DO have value!!! Focus on your strong points, not the barbs and arrows mom shoots at you.

I will say that for about 30 years I was shy, very quiet and retiring. Few friends. Rather unsure of myself. Part of this was the parental indoctrination, but part of it was the relentless physical, verbal and emotional abuse from OB. At a party, I would blend into the wall. Somehow, magically at about 30 yo I realized no one out there is really any better than me. Some have more talent or expertise in other fields, some have more money, some may "look" better, but we are ALL human and we ALL have value.

Try not to waste any more time agonizing over what she might say or do, or trying to "win" her love. It is what it is and it's time for you to move forward. Make the most of your time left here on Earth! Hire a "broom" to tackle her mess and spread your wings!

You are 62 yet you say her endless "situations" for over 30 years True 62 is over 30, but I suspect it may be closer to 62 years. It is unlikely that her mixed message treatment of you has only occurred over the last 30 years, but we tend not to see it in the same way when we are growing up and accept being "the child".
Think back to when you were a child, a young woman, a new mother - was she any different then. Your description of the way she treats you is so typical of a narcissistic personality. If you can find examples earlier in your life that fit the same pattern then it may help to get yourself some counselling help - maybe some cognitive therapy, maybe some hypnotherapy - anything that you are comfortable with that helps you see that you can approach her and her behaviour with the attitude and feelings that help you - and are your right to use. It is hard to adopt the attitude we want to and speak to parents and behave towards them as we feel appropriate to how we feel about them when we have a strong sense of duty and responsibility - but some outside help can assist us in seeing being treated reasonably and not being under someone's thumb is our right and we can choose what we will accept and how we will respond as adults.

Sending you lots of love and warm wishes in such a difficult time.

I'm going through a similar situation caring for a mother with vascular dementia and blindness. Over time I know I've changed and I struggle with the thoughts I have daily, but now realise how much she leaned on me when I was younger and I thought it was natural and I should keep on "being there" to the point where I never married or had children, as I was always worried about her being alone, having divorced my narcissistic/abusive father and believing her too vulnerable and trusting to live/be alone. I don't believe your heart has hardened, however, you're tired and your "view" of her has changed.

I think all mother/daughter relationships have a particular pattern in a way. When I think about the mothers I've met through friends via school, college, work, etc., I've realised they fall into various categories when relating to their daughters. They can be dismissive, unavailable, unreliable, self-involved, role-reversal types, controlling, etc. Obviously these are just categories I've been thinking about given my situation and reflecting about the mother/daughter connections we all have. It's not all negative though I know.

In my case, I've always felt a type of role reversal with my mum, having to be a 'protector' for her (with my father and his narcissism) and it's only now I realise how much being in the position of full-time primary carer I hear myself thinking her level of dependence on me was there all the time. But like any relationship worth investing in, there are ups and downs all the time and we should never beat ourselves up about the thoughts we have as we're human and not perfect.

Guilt is always difficult to deal with as it's always based on something we did, we said, something we didn't do but wanted to, something we think we did or the belief we didn't do enough. Guilt isn't always rational. I don't believe any of us can lead an entirely guilt-free life as adults and when it comes to parents - the dynamic emphasises this more than any other relationship we can have and I think the same applies to them when they get older even if they don't voice it. 

I don't think we "owe" our parents anything, and that's not meant to sound cold but what we choose to do for them in later life when are now adults and can help them is done out of love and also as a direct response to how they treated/raised us as children and the memories they placed within us. 

Don't apologise for anything, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. I'm just so sorry you've gone through such an emotional experience that has taken you into dark areas.

Again sending you much love and hoping this finds you well.

My mother was a SEVERE agoraphobic, who would go for years without leaving the house.

When she was unable to assume the responsibilities of parenthood, one of her 4 sisters would step in and be my sub mother.

She had a sharp temper, and often made it clear to me that her sister were closer to her than I, her daughter, was. She also ran a tight ship, and I was either right or wrong, no shades of gray.

I rarely if ever felt as though I came first in her life.

It was a fairly tough way to grow up, and at some point, I learned that I’d either have to separate from her and become my own adult, or be tethered to her emotionally for the rest of my life.

I didn’t choose to “hearten my heart” in establishing myself as a person, rather than as lesser version of her, but in time my college life helped me find a space between us that was impossible for either of us to deny.

When I married a wonderful man, she didn’t want me to have children, and said so, a rule on her part that I never even considered.

Much to my shock, she became an AMAZING grandmother, and I warmed to that. When my father died very suddenly within weeks of the birth of my first child, we laughed at the thought of living together, by then both being certain that it could never work. Several years later when she suffered a horribly fractured hip, and ensuing dementia, I attempted to care for her for 9 months that were horrible for both of us.

She entered a local nursing home, and I visited almost every single day for over 5 years, loving how she bloomed in the wonderful care she received.

You know, don’t you, that neither of you benefit from living under the same roof? I would never have come to cherish mine, with all her flaws and failings, if we hadn’t placed her. Interestingly, that happened when she was 90, and I was 62, as you are now.

You focus on her loving you. How much do YOU love you? Enough to seize what you need, for your welfare and peace and comfort, to take the new role in your relationship THAT YOU DESERVE, AND THAT NEEDS TO BE YOURS?

Counseling can help a lot. Conversation with a religious advisor can also help you figure out who you are. I’ll give you a starter- you are an AMAZING writer. From the person whom you’ve described so briefly, I know exactly who you are.

Know this one thing- you are most certainly, surely, TRULY NOT………”nobody”.

Midkid,

Your response to this posting is very well stated.

You are an inspiration to many of this forum, not only for fighting to survive during your battle with cancer, but also for dealing with other challenges, such as handling your mom’s negative reaction to your cancer with such grace. You were so wise not to allow your mom’s self centered nature to interfere with your cancer treatments. You remained focused on getting well.

You show tremendous appreciation for the blessings in your life. I have never seen a bitter posting from you. I admire your faith in a higher power but also in mankind, healthcare professionals who treat cancer patients daily, and your lovely positive outlook on life.

I have to say though, I love that you are equally realistic in your views, never being afraid to vent about your toxic mother in law and others in your life that have behaved badly, and claiming to divorce yourself from your mother in law. I am right there with you. I was fortunate to have a fantastic mother in law but my father in law developed several issues later in his life and my husband and I eventually had to divorce him. I don’t think it is ever wrong to cut off extremely hurtful, negative people in our lives, especially when we have tried repeatedly to achieve peace and acquire resolution to any problems.

We can forgive those who hurt us, not wish them any harm whatsoever, live our lives completely separate from their lives and pray for them. We are not obligated to welcome anyone that is toxic to share in our lives. It may have taken some of us awhile to figure this out, but we can live in peace knowing that we made the correct decision, when considering the circumstances.

Stay strong, Midkid. Be at peace.

My heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes. I cared for my mom in my home for 15 years. She died this past April. I know that she loved me and I loved her.

Nevertheless, It can be a painful experience while being a caregiver. It can also be confusing at times, when we receive conflicting messages from parents. I am very sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Do you have help or are you taking this task on all alone? Please get additional help if needed. Don’t hesitate to speak with a therapist if you feel that you need to find a new professional, objective viewpoint.

We do toughen up naturally over time. I think sometimes it’s because we grow immune to certain behaviors. We learn to discern what is authentic and what isn’t. Pay attention to what the doctors tell you, lab results, etc. Utilize these facts to determine what is important, and what further action is needed to help resolve issues.

Don’t allow people who don’t have any experience with your issues to interfere. They will only add to the already existing stress.

Wishing you all the best.

I do feel for you as I am my 94 year old mom s caregiver, who has dementia , my mom before this, was
a vibrant , sweet, wonderful woman,
I mourn for that person ,as I only see tiny glimpses of that , I m tired ,numb & sad, but I try & do little things for myself like meditate, dance to music, watch my fav movies or anything that gives me a little joy, take a walk amongst nature or something that will make us both happy at the same time like , ice cream ! Right now , I m actively looking for someone for a few days to watch her, & it s not easy,
try & find little pieces of joy & someone that might sit with her for an hour or 2,
All the Best!

Isn't a shame we have to "harden" ourselves when the last few years of their lives you should be enjoying them.

Dementia robbed me of the last 3 yrs of Moms life. It actually started 3 years before that when she had a head injury. But the last 3 years she declined monthly it seemed. I was always the go to child, oldest and a girl. I had been babysitting my grandson since he was 2 months old. Then I had to take Mom in. I now was the parent and her the child. Making decisions for her, good or bad. A caregiver I was not and she was fairly easy to deal with. But I shut down. I can't explain it. I think it was because I really didn't want to do this. And, I didn't want to throw the responsibility onto my other siblings. I did eventually place Mom in an AL and later LTC.

You will become hardened by default. It will just happen. My emotions are almost null and void - about everything. I’ve been taking care of my mother for 10 yrs now and I have no more joy, but I have no sorrow either. I am just purring along on one level of just existing. It happens over time. I can’t pin point exactly when I transitioned, but I suspect it was when I was diagnosed with stage 2b non Hodgkin’s lymphoma over 4 yrs ago. I am now stage 3b. I had to put up boundaries and stop letting her get to me. I now feel nothing. And I should because she is truly going downhill fast. I spent all my 60’s caring for her and I will be 70 in Sept. My whole retirement has been spent caring for her while my friends are traveling and doing some fun things. She is on hospice now, but still at home. Breast cancer in both breasts, metastasizing who knows where? End stage chf. Rampant squamous cell skin cancer eating up her face. But she is still of sound mind and refusing to go to the hospice facility. She sounds like she’s drowning in fluids when she talks. But denies pain, and still manages to do basic things like heating meals for herself and able to toilet herself. Still ambulatory with a walker. I should feel some level of sadness for her. But, I feel nothing either way. Just trying to remain real and not think about these past 10 yrs. (She always needed some help even 10 yrs ago because she went blind). She moved here after my dad went into a nursing home and she was by herself not able to drive. We never know how long they will live and I would never recommend anyone taking on this huge task. Think of your own life. Are you ready to give it up? Because that’s what happens.

The biggest hug along with knowing that we see you - we know you are there and we all know your struggles - you are not alone - even when it feels that way - Remind yourself “I am not alone”. 🌷

There are a LOT of us out there, who feel the same way.

I am only 'good' for my mother when I am actively DOING something for her. The rest of the time, I'm of no value at all.

You're not weak nor stupid. You are only as vulnerable as you allow yourself to be.

My mother is entering the last stages of her life. Her heart is beginning to fail, and she states she is 'barely eating' but her weight it actually up a few pounds so no one believes her.

I've had to harden my heart a LOT. I do feel sorry for her, but I cannot change her and I cannot do more than I am already doing. (Which, at this point is very little).

I think we need to take these people and their toxicity with a huge grain of salt. AND as a cautionary tale of what we do not want to become.

Mom's not a BAD person, as I imagine neither is your mom. They just see the world through their own glasses and leave us in the dust, so to speak. Mom only talks to me if I am currently 'doing' for her. The year I had cancer she never called or sent a card. Now I am in remission and she is able to go back to her beloved Bingo, so I offered to drive her. Suddenly 'I' am the golden child.

It's hard not to be bitter over past actions--and I may not be able to do so until after she has passed. She does not love me for me. Accepting that has been hard, but helpful.

Sounds like you do have 2 great kids who bring you a lot of joy. I hope you can embrace that!!

Great big warm hug!