I live 1000+ miles away from my mom, who has dementia and untreated depression (both of which she does not acknowledge). I'm the only child. I work remotely, and I've been able to fly back and live with mom for several extended periods when her care required it. I've set up a wonderful nurse care manager, a money manager, and a social worker who help her with medical appointments, finances, and other day-to-day tasks when I am not there.
Most recently, I've been living with her for the past month while she recovers from placement of a shunt for normal pressure hydrocephalus. She is home now and receiving in-home nursing care, PT, SPT, and OT (although she dislikes all of her providers and refuses to cooperate with them much of the time). She is supposed to be practicing mental and physical exercises, but she won't do them. She also won't change clothes or bathe and just lies in bed all day, refusing to even read the paper, watch TV, or do anything at all (including bathing or changing clothes). She's very unpleasant to me, although fortunately she forgets whatever it is she's angry about within minutes, so at least there's that. Basically, her day consists of staring at the wall, resisting her carers, and asking me where the next meal is. I am frustrated. We are going to raise the possibility of depression at her next PCP appointment, because I think this may be part of the problem (she's of the generation that would *never* admit to such a thing, so we'll have to talk around it...)
I guess I'm wondering if it's OK to fly home in a few weeks. I've put as many providers in place as I can (she REFUSES to consider assisted living or memory care). She's going to have a home health aide in the home all day, as well as a rotating suite of various nurses and therapists. She was never a great mom and we were not close, so now that I am in charge of her care, I'm always second-guessing myself, wondering if I am doing too much or too little.
Long term, she will need to go to memory care. But because she basically hates everyone and everything (other than her own home and bed), I am pretty sure she won't thrive there and she will be miserable. We're trying to put that move off as long as possible, because she will be livid.
So... have I done enough? Is it OK to return to my home? Thanks for reading all this. I'm at the end of my tether, as you can tell.
She’s miserable even though she is at home . It’s time for a facility for Mom and for you to go back to living your life . Mom’s mood can be treated at the facility, although the results may be limited . Some with dementia respond to antidepressants better than others . If your mother was always a miserable 1/2 glass empty person don’t expect much .
Go home. There isn’t anything else you can do for her. Go live your life.
Even with all the support you have set up I am sure there are times she is alone.
From your description she is not "thriving" where she is now.
She would be safer not "thriving" in a MC facility where she is getting 24/7 care and support.
If possible I would consider looking for a MC facility closer to where you currently live so the few times you do visit will not be such an expense of both time and money.
If she has dementia and you are her PoA, please consider transitioning her into a care facility (and I myself would choose one close to where you live to minimize long-distance management and travel costs/time/effort). But, do whatever you think will work for you, her care manager. There will be no "pleasing" someone with dementia and memory issues.
It will be more work in the present (even if you are her PoA cuz she may not cooperate but there's strategies for that). Eventually the arrangement will improve once she's in a facility that is appropriate.
Thank you for the suggestion about the UTI - I will have the nurse take a sample next time they are here. She has been diagnosed with dementia, and after reading your post and several others, I understand that now is the time to begin the process of moving her to memory care. I am POA, thank goodness, which has helped me to protect her finances (she is very vulnerable to scams). You are right that there is no pleasing her at this point, just keeping her safe and as comfortable as possible.
You are enormously lucky in that your mother is able to afford this kind of care.
It would be untouchable/impossible for probably 90% of the population.
You have made excellent use of her money in providing this for her.
I would say, simply on the basis of her medical issues, that this is soon no longer sustainable at home whether your mother likes that or does not.
I see you have listed this under dementia, but other than your saying she forgets most interactions with you quickly, I don't see much about her competency.
If you are POA it will soon be time to place your Mom, as you acknowledge, in memory care.
Whether she "likes that" or "wants that" isn't the issue any more. Your mother has had her life. You have the right to have your own. She is difficult. I am sure she WON'T like it, but I don't much worry about that, as she overall doesn't like MUCH, does she? So not liking it would be the norm.
You didn't cause any of this and you can't fix it.
I would consider what sort of heroic measures you are ready to continue for your Mom before you consider palliative care.
I personally cannot imagine wanting to live as she is living; I think it would be a service to her to allow nature to take its course at this point.
I am sorry for all this. It is a tragedy for your mom and a misery for you to stand witness and to sacrifice so much of your own life to something you didn't cause and can't fix.
Having read your reply and some of the others here, I agree that it's time to start looking for a memory care placement, regardless of her feelings on the matter. It's true that at this point, she will not really be happy anywhere. So better that it is somewhere safe with appropriate treatment options.
I was raised to always ignore my own needs to cater to hers. I know intellectually that that is unhealthy, but at the same time it can be hard to put that realization into practice. Thank you again.
-@the.holistic.psychologist
You've done enough. Long ago, it was more than enough. It's okay to go home. It's okay to place mom in Memory Care Assisted Living. It's the safest place for her. Recognize she's always going to be miserable, even in the Palace of Versailles. She'll complain the gold is tarnished, just as my mother did. It's okay to untether yourself from the FOG of the only child grooming you were subjected to, as I was, and put YOURSELF first for once. It's not "selfish"; mother is the selfish one, in reality.
It's okay to recognize it's not your job to make mother happy, believe it or not. Thats a powerful realization right there.
You have done more than enough for your mom.
I like your idea of bringing up depression at the next doctor’s appointment. Hopefully, meds are able to help.
Go home and live your life. You have safety nets in place for your mom.
You’re right to feel that placement is going to be necessary in her future.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult process.
Suggest that M’s sisters go to see her. If that’s ‘too hard’, tough luck. Leaving your family and moving in with her is MUCH too hard.
Well, she moved into an ALF this week and while she is not HAPPY, she also didn't DIE, so that was a worry with no punch in it.
My DH actually said, the day they moved her, that they should have done this 5 years ago.
I can say fairly that I was getting ready to leave my DH. His over-involvement in this mess has really screwed us up.
See All Answers