Mom is late 80’s, frail but needs no help with ALD. I am with her, in her IL apartment, 9am to 6:30pm every weekday including sharing two meals, and on Sundays I am with her 4-5 hours to do church, shop, library, something—and share one or two meals. Saturdays I take completely to myself/partner, but call Mom twice even on Saturdays.
She is terribly depressed and lonely AND not sociable. Says she misses me even when I am there, but in the second bedroom working. Depression and anxiety we are working on with doctors. She fears loneliness and still grieves deeply the loss of my Dad a year ago, and having to move from her home town to be near me.
I want to do what is best for all concerned. She wants to move into my home. I am afraid to do this. My partner is supportive, but the level of emotional need is daunting.
Next time you are there, take her to an activity. Participate yourself even if she won't--it's called modelling. Talk to the other residents and introduce your mom.
Cut your visits back to every other day and limit them to a time when there is an activity that you can take her to.
You are, in my opinion, enabling her loneliness and dependency.
I do attend activities with her when they don't conflict with my job. I will start attending without her, too. I have “sent” Mom to activites, without me, and she goes to dining room alone for coffee and for lunch when I can’t leave work.
Still...I was considering myself incredibly strong that I don't cave and visit her on the “very bad day” that Saturdays always are. I frankly do not want to. So the perspective on enabling is supportive.
There is a lot of emotional pressure to bring her into my home. But I have been insisting we should get completely settled and comfortable in IL and just try her VISITING my home.
For 35 years she and my Dad lived in a different state than me, and enjoyed living their retirement years in their home town. They disliked the town I live in, and never enjoyed my house, and never really found a connection with my partner. I think if Mom visits more frequently, she will conclude on her own that it is not comfortable for her.
My mother had a traumatic childhood. Her father died when she was 2. Her mother had to go out to work, and I've never really been sure who cared for her between 2 years and 6? The local nuns? Her abusive older brother?
My dad died when they were both in their 70s. Mom lived alone. She became frail physically and very anxious at 88. We didn't realize it, but she'd had a stroke and developed some cognitive impairment. She moved to an IL and very slowly found the people she could connect with.
We visited when we could. I set up her pill box once a week. My brother and SIL might stop by to bring her a treat. But oh my, none of us saw ourselves as the entertainment committee?! Why would we do that? She was paying 5k a month to live in a place with meals and activities.
Is your mother seeing a geriatric psychiatrist? It sounds as though her mental health issues may go beyond simple anxiety and depression. Is she seeing a grief counselor? Someone for talk thrapy?
A year, for a lady of your mother's age and her length of marriage, is not very long at all. And of course you want to console and support her. But think on: you HAVE been consoling and supporting her, and she is now more dependent and anxious than she was when you started.
Withdrawing your support - and *replacing* it with different, healthier support, is the thing - is not unkind. It's in your mother's best interests.
You don't vanish. But you don't work from her home, and you don't visit more than once or twice a week - say, a weekday supper and Sunday lunch, or whatever suits you.
I wouldn't make it too gradual a winding down, either - because it won't work fast enough and you'll get upset and stressed out. Talk to the co-ordinator at the facility and ask for help with rebooting her adjustment; then *trust* them to know their job.
We have started seeing ger psych, and has anti-depressant now that I can see is an improvement but it does not take care of her mood, of the “empty”. Has never accepted a grief counselor or any talk therapist, though it remains on the table. She can’t drive anymore, so as homebound, we may be able bring in a therapist, but in those conditions the selection of same will be small.
Thanks again. I am headed over there now to do lunch and library. Really appreciate getting a sanity check.
This poor woman has lost the love of her life, her familiar home, and therefore some of her independence. That is a lot to absorb in a short timeframe. It may take her quite a while to settle in at IL. Give her that time. Also give her some space. Cut back on how much time you spend with her. Let her regain some of her confidence and independence. Let her discover that doesn't need to be lonely -- there are other people she can relate to besides you.
What kind of doctors are work with you on the depression and anxiety? A referral to a geriatric psychiatrist might be appropriate.
Antidepressants can take several weeks to show their full effect. They often take enough edge off the anxiety so that talking to a new person doesn't seem as life threatening as it used to. Take heart!
It’s time to cut the “apron strings” and let the chips fall. Your mom may be like mine was. Not happy unless she’s unhappy. As long as she’s safe, you can’t be entirely responsible for her moods, her entertainment, her involvement and maintain your own happiness.
Tonight she does not remember saying any such thing, and believes she simply needs to be in my presence, when can she move to my house? When? When?
I reminded her that we see her geriatric psychiatrist next Wednesday for a med check, and that my partner and I are having house guests the first weekend in April, so...since nothing is actually wrong, i will come to see her tomorrow, and she must just look forward to these events and get involved in things at her IL and understand that we MUST be able to spend a day apart without this kind of pain.
I feel ridiculously on-my-own in this.
I am NOT having a good time.
An animal could change her focus from you to it...a win-win situation.
As hard as it is, you need to "pull back" to give yourself a break, give your partner more time with you and let your mom "find her way", guided by the activities director at the facility.
If pulling back was only for my benefit, I don’t know if I could do it. But it is CLEAR thAt Mom has no conception of normal, so by gosh we are going to do “normal” at the IL before we move her to ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT of my home, which will inevitably be both last resort AND a huge disappointment.
I absolutely will do this.
My partner has alredy endured almost 2 years of my extended and nuclear family dying off, with me “there” 4.5 hours away, and not really present at home.
I know i am a mess. I just really appreciate the input from the forum. So desperately in need of perspective, permission, support!
When my Mom developed dementia she stayed with me and my siblings until an opening was available in assisted living. During this time she was not very happy and was really looking forward to having her own apartment in AL. Once she was in AL, in a very nice apartment, she was unhappy and wanted to live with one of us.
Our opinion was that she was just unhappy because her brain and body were no longer working the way she wanted. After 3 months she is now settling into AL, although I wouldn't say she is really happy. But now she is making the best of things, and enjoy our visits when we do come over. Very gradually she is making connections there.
Whether there is dementia or not, I bet your Mom sees a move to your place as a move to "happiness". And I am guessing she would not be any more happy there. I agree with others that you will back away so she can learn to be by herself. It isn't healthy for you or your relationships to have her tied so close to you.
Good luck.
Damn.
Your mom probably has some level of cognitive impairment with her memory loss. It could be from stress or medications or just brain deterioration. My mom had no short-term memory. After my dad died, she became very isolated (she was 92 at the time). I used to worry that she was so alone, but I finally realized I was putting my values on her experience. My mom was happy in her apartment. Your mom is kind of like a little kid who doesn't want to go to bed. You just have to wait her out and stick to your boundaries on visits.
DO NOT move her in with you. As others have said, she's hoping to move to "happiness" with you, but she won't find it there. On these boards, many, many parents ask to "go home" when they are already in their home. Once their brain starts to go, they want to go back to a happier time, sometimes even their childhood. As much as we love them, we don't have the power to turn back the clock. Your mom won't find the happiness she's seeking in your house.
Your mom is living in a good place, she has a daughter who loves her and she has what she needs. She's a very lucky woman in the overall scheme of things. So realize that you're doing a great job and you don't have to give up your life to try to make your mom happy, which is probably an impossible task, no matter what you do. She has to want to be happy and that's a job for her to work on. You can support her but you don't have to be with her 24/7 to do that. {{{Hugs}}}
In fact, I totally disagree with getting any elderly person a pet. If they can't take care of themselves properly how do you think they are going to take care of a pet. Plus the pet may outlive them and then ends up at a shelter.
*Mom "needs NO help with ADL's" (so she would be able to feed and clean up after it)
*She lives alone in Independent Living. This means she can take care of herself and her home.
Obviously she qualified to live there so I'd assume she could also take care of a bird, fish or cat fairly easily. It doesn't sound like she has Alzheimer's and her daughter visits 6/7 days a week, as a backup.
There have been many studies showing that pets are good company for seniors. They are used in Nursing Homes frequently.
She could adopt an older cat from a shelter. If you're worried about longevity, then they both may pass away at the same time.
Where are you getting that "she will absolutely loathe and reject the beast until it is damaged"? What's THAT all about? Did it come out of some novel?
Who says the animal would end up with someone not wanting her or hurting her? Wow! Arrangements could be made ahead of time.
I have 4 cats and 3 dogs. I've made arrangements for where they would go if my husband and I pass on (not too likely right now.)
Why does this situation spell death and doomsday? It's a pet, they usually give unconditional love. 😽 🐶 There would be no animal rights broken here.
Sheesh!