Having dad move in the last 8 years has turned me into a mean and bitter person. I don't want to be this way but it has come to this. Not sure if I should get therapy or not (had it when I was a kid and marriage counseling and didn't like it at all).
I gave up my beautiful home office from where I run my business to the cold basement. I make breakfast in the morning and dinner every night. I do the shopping, run the errands, dr runs, hospital runs., manage the medication and pay the bills. He pays a few of his regular bills but gives nothing to us for heat, light, cable, food, gas transportation, etc. We have no privacy. I feel guilty to go out to dinner and dates are a few hours out on the weekend. My wife and I get time only when he goes to church (after I drive him there). He goes out during the day when I am not home (he can't be alone) so he calls his lady friend and they go out as soon as I leave the house. If I am home he doesn't go out. His lodge times are usually the same time I am scheduled to be at my social functions.
When we have the house for a couple of hours it's like heaven. When I am out, as soon as the garage doors go up it wakes him up and he has to come right out to see what we are doing.
It's gotten to that I don't talk around him, as anything I say gets repeated to everyone. Dinner is in silence because anything I say gets topped or a story ensues. He can't have a back and forth conversation because it always ends in a story with a grandiose person or event.
We can't have him cook as the kitchen ends up a disaster and the last time he cooked the chicken was raw.
I can't leave him overnight as he is a fall risk, every time I have he ends up getting hurt. He can't drive anymore so he leans on friends or me.
Anytime he talks to me I am short, I don't want to be that way.
We don't entertain anymore because he comes right into the middle of the party and literally sits down and takes over the conversations. The last time within 5 minutes he had a huge pain attack that he hadn't had in months and hasn't had one since. It was quite the scene in which I became the caregiver and had to deal with it in front of my friends, amazingly enough not bad enough for him to sit in at dinner.
I have cameras around the outside of the house for security that I see from my desk and he feels it's great to look over my shoulder to see his friend come to pick him up rather than waiting outside, all while I am trying to work (Extreme pet peeve of mine).
The messes in the bathroom, the stink from his room the mess left behind.....
Sometimes it is the words or the delivery in what he says. I'm sorry, I guess I am just being petty, but in the last 10 years we have become caregivers for too many and we have not had time for ourselves if we do, it is so hard to get done as siblings are not involved and we live so far away.
We are trying to get a vacation this year but it will be a juggling act if we can get it done.
I'm now in my 60s, my 50s were supposed to be filled with travel. Now looking like won't be until my 70s if I make it that far. All I do is work now and don't have fun, if I get out on my bike or my fun car it's just for errands. If I travel it's for work. My sibling gets to vacation and travel.
I'm tired and burnt out and bitter.
NH is not an option there is no money. My kids may help but it's like trying to pull teeth but yet I can make dollars fly right out of my wallet.
Too much? Am I just being petty? I know I have to cherish these years and what I have but in the meantime, it is so hard when it is right in my face.
Thanks for listening my rant is done...
And what that is telling you is that it is now time for a change. Your father needs to be placed in an assisted living facility, where he will be around other folks his own age, and you and your wife can get your lives back, and start enjoying whatever time you both have left, before it's too late. Life is short and you don't want to get to the end of it with any regrets of what you wished you would have, could have or should have done.
Your father will have to apply for Medicaid to pay for his care, as you and your wife are not responsible in any way to pay for it. You will need your own money for your own care when the time comes, so get that thought of having to pay for his care out of your head now.
You and your wife are at the point now where you not only have to do what is best for your father, but also what is best for you both, and I think you already know what exactly that means. So get the ball rolling today for him to apply for Medicaid, and start looking for the appropriate facility for him. You will be so glad you did, and can get back to just being his son and advocate, instead of his caregiver.
I wish you all the very best.
Start with your wife and discuss what you said here and see if she can think of ways to start to change the way you are all living. Then bring your father into it. It is his life, too, and being given the silent treatment, and being around seething resentment, isn’t good for him even if you think he is unaware.
We gave my hubby's 2 brothers our vacation we have scheduled so far for next year. We have her 45 weeks and they need to split the 6 weeks so we can catch a break. One sibling is retired so there's no reason for him to not.
Don't let them make you a patsy. Have them chip in something -time or the money to get a caretaker.
You need some TLC as well.
You're certainly not being petty. What's going on is likely to embitter even the sweetest-tempered and most relaxed soul. But TG if I do have one home truth to suggest it's that you don't *listen.*
How much have these years cost you? Cherish my foot! - you will never get the time back and your father does not have exclusive rights to it. If Dad can't pay for residential care he is entitled to financial support with it. FIND OUT.
Move your father out. If he's at the point where he cannot be left alone, then an independent senior community is not possible for him unless there will be a live-in caregiver/companion. He will have to go into an assisted living facility or a nursing home.
Your sibling will be doing absolutely nothing to help and never will. Welcome to the club. This how it is in most families even when there's multiple siblings. Only one becomes mom and dad's old age care plan while the others get off free and clear and never have to take a bit of the responsibility.
Please find a different living situation for your father. For the sake of you and your spouse, and for him as well.
Your life has value. The things you want to do and the places you want to visit are important. Don't spend anymore of your life stuck in the miserable drudgery of caregiving for elderly people because it will ruin your life. It's one thing to do it for work like I have and that's hard enough, but having your home turned into an assisted living or nursing home for years at a time is intolerable.
Take back your life and relocate your father into an appropriate care facility and if people don't like it or have something to say, they can take him to live with them. Good luck.
You and your wife have been perpetual caregivers and it's time you both retire from that. First, get your Dad's financials in order with a good elder care attorney, who can set him up for Medicaid in-home or NH care if needed in the future. Next, it's time your siblings get involved, even if it's just for one week or a long weekend or two each year. Have a chat with them and let it be known you and your wife need a break. Make your vacation plans. Drive Dad to the airport and have sibling pick him up. Period. This is not impossible unless your fear of loss of control make it so.
Your father seems "with it" enough to have a serious conversation that he can understand. Make it clear that you and wife need some alone time now. Have his girlfriend come over and go out and have fun with your wife, while she stays with him. You can also hire someone to be there with him for errands, doctors appointments, church.
What I am saying is that there are things you can do to make life better. Believe me, I realize how frustrating and life sucking care taking is - but don't do more than you need to because the more you take on, the faster that becomes the norm. Take steps to reclaim your life or it will pass you by. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your family.
Just think hard about what I am saying before you resist or say it can't be done. You are not a bad son because you resent the time your Dad takes away from you. but you have done too much more than your share. As your Dad ages, he will require more attention and much more care so set yourself up with supports NOW. I really and truly wish you comfort and resolution.
Start with determining total of his assets, Social Security, bank accounts or other retirement income. If less than $2,000 he could qualify for Medicaid. Contact your sibling and arrange a meeting either in person or via zoom to discuss their expected involvement in the care of your father. Fully explain your situation, asking what they can offer. There are assisted living facilities that have apartments. Do you have any church sponsored facilities in your area that provide some supervision? It sounds as though your father is active when he chooses, going to lodge, seeing lady friend. Would she have a room she would be willing to rent to him? Would he qualify for a Veteran's housing center? Your father can fall at the lodge or anywhere. Don't restrict your possibilities on his physical or visual impairments. Contact your local Council on Aging for guidance. You've given a large portion of your life (and your wife's!) to provide his care. Your father may feel insecure outside of your environment with his excessive involvement in your life. Its not going to be easy. If you don't take action, it will sacrifice the future you intended for you and your wife. Your father will eventually pass, but the resentment will overshadow any pleasant memories. God bless.
You need to take control of your life! It does not seem your father needs a nursing home, but medicaid also pays for assisted living. Check into this. Or contact an agency who will walk you through how to find assistance for him. As it is going now, you may go before he does! Take care of you.
You certainly are entitled to live your own life. I am not sure how old your dad is but he is not likely to change. It sounds to me he is pretty mobile and goes out and about when he wants to.
If you cannot afford help or caregivers at home to give you more peace, check into applying for Medicaid. If he is eligible then maybe assisted living or a nursing home is the solution.
Also HUD housing in a senior community is a good option.
Contact the Aging Well Center in your city or Elder Source to see what benefits he is eligible for. The effort will be well worth it.
Is dad military? VA has supportive benefits called Aid & Attendance for caregiver use.
The best of luck.
Your siblings absolutely need to step up. Make some noise. Maybe he can go to each of them for a month at a time, spaced out so you get a couple long breaks every year.
Funkygrandma59 said, "So get the ball rolling today for him to apply for Medicaid, and start looking for the appropriate facility for him. You will be so glad you did, and can get back to just being his son and advocate, instead of his caregiver." I agree wholeheartedly.
Sounds like he does not need a nursing home, but could really benefit from the company of other people in assisted living, and there are various levels of care offered in some facilities.
Check into the Medicaid thing. One thing I have learned is: If my mom ever goes to the hospital for ANY reason, she will not come home with us. If you refuse to bring them home, the state has to take over care for them. My aunt was in assisted living for years in Oregon. For many years it was an assisted living group home, then later a NH. In the group home, they plan activities and everything is planned around the clients living there. It would give your dad a captive audience for his stories. Win/win for all of you.
In the meantime, maybe get him one of those screens (Echo Show) that he could use for himself to watch the people on the security cameras. It might be good entertainment.
I wish you the best. This is SO hard to deal with.
You moved him in because he was lonely after your mom died.
Start by contacting your local agency on aging and find out if he would qualify for any services.
If there is an Adult Day Care try getting him to go. If you have to make that a condition of him staying, or you will begin to look for Assisted Living for him or a Senior Apartment. Oh...if he does not move out the free ride should end. If there are 3 of you living in the house she should be paying 1/3 of ALL household expenses. Mortgage, utilities, food...and he should be paying you for transporting him to doctor appointments and any other transportation directly related to him.
If dad is a Veteran check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission and see if there are any services he would qualify for through the VA. Depending on where and when he served he might be eligible for a little help or a LOT.
Trust me on this...
Plan you vacations with your wife. Go on that trip you planned. You never know what might happen to her or you and you don't want to be sitting by a hospital bed holding her hand saying..."I wish we had done...."
Shouldacouldawoulda is a great name for a race horse it should not be what you say to each other when you have regrets.
I can't leave as the house is a disaster after a couple of days and that is when he falls. I took driving away from him.
He's not at the point he needs an NH it is just getting on my nerves. Mostly it is how things are said vs what is said or how it is delivered. he has this everyone will take care of me attitude. I think it was the way he was brought up, his mom died when he was young and the large extended family help to look after him. mom did a lot of everything for him (I take after my mom). Don't get me wrong we had a good upbringing financially wise, nice house, cars didn't want for much of anything. We weren't rich but it didn't matter. He did work hard I get that and he instilled that in me. But now it's the time I want to travel like he and mom did (although they couldn't afford it but did anyway another story). Again, just venting.....
Don’t you think it is a little abusive to tell the poster that he is a “fool” for the caretaking he has done and that you would consider “killing” the person receiving the care?
Yes. The poster needs to make some sensible changes to stop the burnout spiral he is in but sheesh, he is not a “fool”!
Others to join your caregiving efforts - ask family, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help. You will know you have enough help when these symptoms/situations are addressed:
the cleanliness of your home to your standards,
time alone with your other loved ones.
helpers to entertain or keep him when you entertain or want to go away for a weekend,
uninterrupted time at work.
Better house rules or "boundaries". Everybody that lives in the home should contribute in some way and there should be agreement on how life works in living together. If you are the owner of the home, you get to decide
cleanliness,
finances - who pays what,
amount of time all together,
work (no bother) times,
rest (no bother) times...
Since you do not like therapy sessions, may I suggest reading any of the boundary books be Townsend and Cloud for dealing with problem behaviors. It might be helpful to have another family member or close friend who can be your encourager while you implement changes. Usually, I recommend that anything needed for caretaking should be paid for by the one cared for - their resources until they do not have resources.
Might I also suggest moving your work office to an area of the house that makes work more pleasant.
I've been reading up trying to put my mind in a better place, not easy. Both my wife and I are the youngest and she just buried her last family member on her side so in that regard she is alone.
I to set boundaries and for the most part, he accepts them but still lives to be catered to.
The only thing he does is his laundry. Cleaning, take the trash to the garage, vacuum or dust does not happen, even if it was just his rooms, yes I said rooms, bed, living and bath. yup, not a bad gig he has.
You seem to think that you are financially responsible for dad's care.
You are not.
Dad needs to apply for Medicaid (your household income is not what counts--HIS income is what counts).
Dad should have a "Needs Assessment" by the local Area Agency on Aging and ask them how to get dad qualified for assistance.
You are going to need to sit down with dad and say "this isn't working out anymore. You will need to be in other living quarters by Jan 1".
Can you do that?
If I recall, your wife has already had one stroke. Please don't put this off any longer
(((((Hugs))))))
It is virtually certain he will face one or more of the above in the coming years. Any guilt you feel now will only be compounded if you stay in this situation. To many elders, the hosp trips, the doctor's visits, the setup of durable equipment might not matter as much as, well, can you drive me to the Lodge? Can you stay up to wheel me in after my date? Run around with me in search of my favorite hot dog? Remember when you were a kid and we...
Yeah, you're already increasingly snapping with the non-optional things, and that's when they tend to escalate performative requests designed to elicit sympathy or nostalgia in the caregiver, while really, the caregiver is just exhausted from the harder parts of it that they won't get credit for. He's already doing it to you, and again, THIS WILL ESCALATE.
Do something about it now. If he has assets, he has options with them. If not, he still has options to be placed through Medicaid. Those are his options.
He knew what he was going into when he had a kid, you. Completely made on his part.
That doesn't mean that you now involuntarily have to give up your life now for as long as he lives. Or for that matter, as long as you do.
The "mean & bitter" feelings - I'd call that *resentment*.
What do you think it is trying to tell you?
Why don’t you stand up for yourself. If he doesn’t like it, he can move out.
it is not a rant it is reality. If there is no money, what about the Medicaid spend down and putting him in an adult family home?
Since you took this in several years ago, I am assuming you have not had a good person/ safe person that you could be truly honest with. You and your spouse need to make hard decisions for the future as yu are clearly not caring enough for yourself, or to put it positive, you need your time back and you are tired of doing this. If no family members have come to offer any help, I doubt they will for the future. I was going to suggest care giving, but if you don’t have money then there is no money for that.
I would look into putting into a Adult Family Home that accepts Medicaid. It is not selfish, you just cannot handle this anymore and that is ok. It is not ok to see and hear you so burned out because the. your health is at risk.
Bottom line, you need to take care of yourself and you need to have some support which I don’t know if he has Dementia or anything like that but there are several public agencies that can assist you to getting your father to a group home and that will be paid by the State and then you can claim your life back. That is NOT SELFISH, it is for your SURVIVAL.