I have been going to my mum and dad‘s one or two days a week for about the past three years to help out as they are determined not to move into any type of nursing. My two older brothers, who are both much better off than I am, seem to be able to find every excuse in the world to either not be involved or just to be extremely angry with my mother. I’m finding it difficult to explain things to them without them either exploding or getting angry. In particular, the anger at my mother who is showing signs of what I think is dementia. I have a form of early onset dementia and my capacity to help them at the level that I have been doing is reducing. I am beginning to find things very challenging. Don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for these two beautiful people. My mother hates the word elderly. My dad seems to be incredibly exhausted and has given over some quite confidential information about my mum that if she knew I knew she would be very angry with him so I don’t say anything. My mother used to be a clinical nurse specialist and knows hospitals, nurses and systems very well from your past but when it comes to situations that take place in the short-term or short term memory, they just don’t stay there. Things are really becoming challenging for me to fulfil their needs. I really need my brothers to step up and help, not just be angry. My brothers both have children, but they are now grown. Making the excuse that their children are taking up all the time is less and less believable. I have a better relationship with their children than I do with them. I plan to spend Christmas (about four days) with them in which they have set up the back spare room of the house. I can tell that they are quite excited. Yes again, my brothers are nowhere to be found, even though they live in suburbs that surround the city.
Sometimes in this life there aren't always "good" or "bad" choices.
Sometimes there is only a choice of how to minimize damage and pain.
I hate the word elderly too and no one who is elderly ever wanted to go to a care facility. I never knew one who ever went willingly either and I was a homecare CNA for 25 years. Even the elders living in homes that were literally falling down around them and hoarded with filth and squalor never went willingly. They had to be placed against their will for their own good.
Your parents need a higher level of care than you yourself with dementia can provide.
I may be mistaken and hope I am, but you state that both of your brothers are "better off" than you are. Does this mean they are financially better off than you are? If so, then placing your mother and father in an appropriate care facility to meet their needs may not seem so bad to them.
You aren't going to be able to preserve any assets or inheritance for yourself or anyone else at this point if that's a concern. Your parents would have had to do estate planning long before they needed care.
Have a meeting with your brothers and decide how best to get your parents placed in AL or whatever level of care facility is best to meet their needs. Or getting them professionally assessed to see if homecare may be an option for them.
This is what has to be done now. You will need their help getting your parents placed and making some real decisions and plans for them. If the lot of you sit down like rational adults and make some plans that are grounded in reality, I'm pretty sure that they will help with that. Most of the time this way works. I'm speaking from experience because I have seen every family dynamic there is.
Trying to guilt-trip them into becoming caregivers or holding fast to the fantasy that they will one day step up and gladly take on the burden of caregiving is not reality. That is not going to happen. All this will do is alienate them further.
Ask to meet with them just to talk and more importantly to listen. Good luck to you.
I know that you don't want to hear this, but listen to what most of the people here are saying. You can't fix this. As much as you love them, they need more help than you can provide. I'm sorry that you are in this position, and I recognize that you feel that you need to make this situation better, but you can not fix this. Help them find a senior facility now. There are many online sources. Start now so that they can become acclimated before they can't acclimate. It's hard, but in your heart, I think you know that the only solution is them being somewhere safe now.
AND most important to you right now, tell every one of them how you feel and you can't do this alone. They can't read your mind. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. !
The short answer is that they don’t want to be caregivers. You will have to accept their decision.
Not only that, do you want your parents to be cared for by angry caregivers? I wouldn’t want to be cared for by someone who is angry.
Find alternative solutions for this situation.
Start putting your energy into caring for yourself too. You have your own needs to look after.
Best answer on the thread. You are one-hundred percent right too.
No one has a right to expect everyone else to do the 'heavy lifting' to keep the elders out of care or to prop up some false delusion of independence.
The OP's parents are not the only elderly people that simply assume their adult children will be their old-age care plans. It happens all the time. It's wrong, but it happens all the time.
These people need outside care or placement.
It would be good if you could work out your own ideas about their future care, now that you are not so able to do it and you know that your brothers won’t do it either. When you have considered a few options, have a meeting with your brothers to discuss the future – making it clear in advance that you know that it won’t involve hands-on care from them (or their wives). Next step after that is to put the OK (least worse) options to your parents.
Your parents both need to be in AL. The fact that they don't want to go is not your problem.
You said their response is anger.
Have you asked what they think? How they feel?
Why they are angry?
Angry can arise when people are people told what to do.
Are you angry that you are being 'forced' to step into being your parent's caretaker ??
As much as children would love to accommodate their parents wishes in old age, it's not always possible to do so. Nor is it always the safest option to keep them "aging in place" at home. They may have no other choice but to move into managed care if you, as one person, can no longer manage their care alone. You did the best you could for as long as you could, and now it's time to look at alternative living arrangements. Or hiring a caregiver, at their expense, to perform the duties you've been performing for them.
Best of luck to you
Here are three things to consider -
1) can they help in other indirect ways more from afar? Sounds like your parents are still in their home . Can your brothers help with stuff for the house upkeep? Do parents taxes ? Help with computer trouble shooting ? Send their kids over to spend time with their grandparents ? (Without them being there ). Things that don’t involve regular contact themselves with your parents ?
2) if you are doing direct caretaking , can you have your parents / the estate set up so you get paid for your time ? I know , it’s not the same as siblings actually helping . But you get some financial compensation at least
3) if and when it’s needed , get in home caretakers to come in , paid at an hourly rate .. Then tell your brothers that, at a minimum , they each pay their 1/3 share each of it , if not more ?
none of these are likely to be easy conversations …..
It absolutely sounds like your bothers are not cut out for caregiving and it’s not in your mother’s best interest to have them as her caregivers.
You need to move on to your next choice for their care. Your brothers aren’t it.
Don't feel guilty for something you have no control over. Brothers will have to step up to the plate or eventually the State takes over your parents care.
I myself would not do it. And I am a retired RN.
Caregiving is a choice, and you apparently have made the choice to do so, but others need not follow your lead, and are under no obligation to do so. I think that in reaching out with expectations of help you have only been met with anger.
I am sorry to hear that you yourself are facing early onset problems and wondering if you are diagnosed? You are exceptionally well-written, still, at this point considering your diagnosis.
It is looking like your parents ARE or soon will be on their own, and it is a positive thing that your mother is as experienced as she is.
My only advice to you is to
A) Leave your brothers alone. Apologize for trying to draw them into caregiving they cannot accomplish. Let them know that if they ever can help you in your family's needs in any way that you would love a call from them. Then step away from all that.
B) have an honest sit-down with your parents and tell them of your own diagnosis and your own needs. Tell them that you cannot any longer serve them in the capacity you have been. Ask them if you can now help them make plans and a move, knowing that soon you cannot help them in any of that. If they cannot, then concentrate on your own self and your own needs for your own future, and leave them to do that for themselves.
I would reach out to APS and I would check into any community help available to your family after telling them of your parents condition and your own diagnosis.
Alternatively, given you have told us of your parents condition, perhaps you can consider the following:
You say you 3 have a loving relationship and they do not wish to go into care.
You say that you, yourself, are suffering now from early stages of early onset dementia.
Is there any chance you can all now take steps to move in together and function together doing what you are able to contribute to staying in home, saving money for in home care, so long as you are able? It's just a thought.
Other than that I have no advice. The brothers are out of it all, and that's where they wish to stay. Forget they exist would be my advice because they won't change.
I am so sorry for all your woes. Stay in touch with doctors and the social services available to all of you in so far as you are able.
If you cannot fulfill their needs perhaps someone can be hired to help or they can be placed in a facility.
Obviously your mother has issues that need to be addressed.
Good Luck.