Just want out. Advice?

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I've heard of one daughter who took her daughter to the hospital and as her mom was being treated, when asked where mom lives, the daughter said she doesn't have a place to live! She had her at her place for a few days but her landlord said no more! Have her suitcase with you! Also, you can get her into a facility by getting her on medicaid! I live in Oregon and I moved in to my mom's house, so it's a different situation! I was told that even if I was to give  DHS advance notice, if I leave I will be arrested for elder abandonment! The only other thing I can think of is for you to go through DHS and get caregivers to come in to help you!
I know how it feels to be trapped! I'm legally trapped to take care of her, get her on medicaid, find her a place and then I have to clean up her home and sell it! But this stuff varies from state to state from what I understand! When she gets violent and mean, please call the ambulance! They'll come take her to the hospital and depending on how she behaves, perhaps they'll keep her for a while to examiñe her mental state! God bless you and I am sending you a big virtual hug!

I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. It sounds like she has a very bad case of dementia. I think you'll have to get her into a care facility for your peace of mind.

This is a very sad and difficult situation (for you and her). Good luck to your both. Don't take anything she does personally. She needs to be calmed down, and you'll need professional medical people to help you. She needs a psychiatrist who specializes in geriatric psychosis and can prescribe medications to calm her down and help her get the correct kind of care. Keep trying different meds if the ones prescribed are not working or have unacceptable side effects. This may be a trial and error process to get something that works. You may need to get her calmed down before she can be admitted to a senior residence, but some senior residences can handle this. Contact Medicare and a social worker in your area and senior networks who can advise you on your options. It is not unusual for people with dementia to become violent. The hospital she was in should be able to connect you with a social worker. They should have helped you more to find the correct care for her.

Hi SharonAS,

This is my first post on this forum and I know you have asked for advice, which I sadly do not have, but I just wanted to let you know that I wish I could help you! Has you mum always been like that? Has her bad behaviour started in the last few years or was she always like that but just got worse over the last few years? I am going through the same thing, but with no medical help as my Mum refuses to be assessed. I doubt the authorities would believe I am getting hit and emotionally and verbally abused by what appears to be a frail little old 85 year old, so I guess she is banking on that. But that indicted a level of awareness. Is your mum aware of her behaviour and being manipulative, or is she not with it when she lashes out?

She needs a neurologist specializing in Dementia.

If you leave her in the Emergency Room, you can tell them that you are no longer able to care for her, and they will find a place for her.

My god - this is horrible. Under NO circumstances should this be allowed and she should NOT be in your home. I don't care what is wrong with her but this is beyond what anyone should tolerate. Please find a way to place her into a facility before she totally destroys you. YOU must put yourself first. Her behavior is not something you can or should deal with.

Wow. You have been through hell. I now feel lucky that I 'only' put up with emotional and verbal abuse from my sociopathic narcissist father. Thankfully, he was in an ALF and I was able to go no direct contact. I checked in with staff to monitor his care.
You must do whatever it takes to protect yourself. No one deserves to be abused or threatened, even if it's due to mental illness.

There is an intersection between neurology and psychiatry that, unfortunately, many providers have difficulty diagnosing. Request a neuro-psych evaluation. They are trained in both areas and may be able to help with the physical vs. thinking difficulties for your mother. Loving someone doesn't mean that you always like them or should be around them a lot. Best wishes and stay safe.

SharonAS - we all are rooting for you and your mother. You need your life back, and your mother needs PROFESSIONAL care.

This is your big break. Say no to taking your mom back home and stick to your NO.

Imho, this living dynamic is NOT feasible any longer as your life is in danger. Demand that the medical professionals no longer "kick it down the road."

As hard as it is... you may have to call the police..tell them you are afraid ( I think you should be) they can call an ambulance - have her admitted- then tell the hospital she has no where to be released to. I know someone who had to do this yes it’s terrible but it was the only way they could get their loved one placed because they could no longer handle her

She needs to be in a supervised living facility. It is too dangerous for both if you. Contact your county social worker for guidance. Sometimes they just can't stay home.

Stick to your plan, Sharon, to not allow your mother back in your home. When hospital contacts you for 'discharge' plan, just keep it brief and repeat..."There is no plan. She cannot come to my home. I cannot care for her or provide care for her. She is not safe here...." When the caseworker (or hospital whomever) tries to push the issue, just repeat..."There is no...I cannot care..." Let the hospital caseworkers work out a placement plan.

I manage my 98 y.o. Mom’s care.
My recommendation is to find a neurologist that specializes in geriatric care. We also have a palliative care doc and as well.

Mom is on Zoloft for depression
Remeron for sleep and Respiradole for psychosis......HUGE improvement for ALL
involved.

The meds were given over the course of the last year and doses were adjusted.

Pharmacology is complicated and takes patience.

Our goal is to make life as joyous and pain free as possible for Mom.
It takes a village and perseverance.

My heart goes out to you.

Next hospital stay, I think you can refuse to take her home. Ask for the social workers. Tell them you are not safe, she is not safe. They will have to help you place her. Just refuse to take her. I don't think there is much they can do, unless she has ownership in your home. They have failed you, why should you cooperate at this point.

Grief, Sharon, grief. That’s what you’re feeling.

Guilt implies that you’ve done something wrong. Which you HAVEN’T.

I’m not sure why our society puts pressure on family members to remedy the chaos that accompanies a broken brain. They we don’t face that pressure when our LO has a broken hip, for example. That would be LOONEY.

But, here we are. Feeling that if WE can’t deal with DEMENTIA all by ourselves, there is something wrong with US.

SO, as the first lesson I learned here said, it’s GREIF. It’s sad. It all stinks. But, you did all you really could.

Good for you for getting your mom the care that she needs! And, thanks for the update.

Hi,
I feel your pain.
im going to give you the nuclear option no one discusses but is the only answer when your own life is being destroyed.
The next time she goes to the hospital, don’t pick her up.
Talk to a social worker at the hospital and explain that you’re not safe in your house with her and that she needs to be institutionalized due to her psychosis.
I’m angry on your behalf that she’s been bounced back to you like that. Your own life is being destroyed and that’s wrong.
The hospital probably won’t be thrilled, but too bad. It’s unconscionable that the medical community has not helped you.
But you need to stand firm and demand that they find her an appropriate placement, not with you anymore.
I hope this helps you. I know everything about this hurts and your life has come to a full stop. But even though this may seem drastic, I think it may be your only option.
Best of luck and hugs.

Best of luck to you and your family. It is never easy to make these types of decisions. And right now you know she is getting the help she needs.

Sounds unrealistic!

Well done Sharon!

Now she can get the help she needs and you can be her daughter and advocate.

ugh, but you saw it w/your own eyes.
My mom acts seriously disturbed from time to time and no one would believe it if they didn't see it.
She is manipulative YEARS in advance.
She plants small scenarios in the universe then calls on them if needed.
She won't take no for an answer.
She retaliates constantly for perceived slights.
She is full of grievance.
She threatened to "slap you if you don't shut up"
when I was concerned about her not stringing sentences together and questioning if she was ok/
I see her becoming what your mom is
I'm so sorry you had to do this
I'm making her house foolproof, she'll have to bust holes in the walls to hurt herself in there

Sharon, you've done the right thing to get your mom the professional help she needs and deserves. Well done!

After days of nonstop rampaging and no sleep I did call 911. Mom is back in the geriatric psych unit at the hospital. I had first called my brother and told him I was burnout and couldn't do it anymore. He said he needed a week. I couldn't wait a week. I hadn't slept and felt awful, so I called 911. When she gets out she won't be coming back with me. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel sad and guilty I couldn't make it work. I pray they get her on something so she can have some peace. I just want her to be ok.

While I haven’t had any experience with this in my aging LO, I have watched or been around similar behavior in younger people one being my aunt when my cousin was 14-15 and it was awful. Their were other psychological circumstances there but it sure sounds like there might be a combo here of long time psychological imbalance, dementia setting in and who knows what else medically. You just haven’t been fortunate enough to get the rite doctors for her which is apparently hard to do. As long as you have MPOA or Heath care proxy of some sort I would first enlist the primary in finding a good geriatric psychiatrist and a geriatric neurologist who will work together. While I understand her primary won’t prescribe psychiatric medications and I understand why, Especially in your moms case it’s not a specialty a primary has enough training and experience in and frustrating as it is he or she is being responsible in not prescribing. However they should be coordinating the proper people and helping to make sure she does get the care she needs including ruling out other possible contributors. I would approach them with that responsibility, the hospital stay they expected to help didn’t and you need help and guidance with fining a team that will. If they aren’t helpful by being an integral part of it, communicating with the specialists and checking in regularly with what I’d going on it probably over this doctors head and your mom needs a new PCP. It does seem to be a bit harder these days when you involve the hospital and or rehab but I think you are going to have to again. If with her PC help you can set up with a good psychiatrist and or neurologist attached to the hospital that can facilitate her admittance so you aren’t just getting the on call or a much more inexperienced resident the process should be more productive, though there is no guarantee of course. Even if you can’t set it up ahead of time or if that’s taking more than a couple days I think you are going to have to, as others have suggested, call 911 when she is in the midst of her violent behavior so it’s documented by professionals not just you and they will take her either to the ER or direct to psyc hold depending on your system, if it can be directed by a specialist they may have her transported and sent directly to psyc floor or better yet elderly psyc facility but whichever way it works for you once she is in the hospital you do not nor should you take her back home unless and until you feel it’s safe for both of you (she is properly medicated and has been for a while, no longer violent and cooperative about taking her meds), they can not force you to take her home to your house and they are responsible if sending her home alone, they remain responsible for her care and safety until they can transfer that to someone else or she’s competent to be responsible for herself, stick to your guns. You can be involved you don’t have to dump and run but you also don’t have to help them by accepting the responsibility back unless and until you feel comfortable with that. It is best for both Mom and you to have her cared for by professional medical staff rite now, have the right people figuring out the best balance for her brain and body so in no way is this something to feel guilty about in fact just the opposite, she needs help just as much as you do. It may mean she never comes back to your home and that’s ok too. I know you feel weary and at the end of your ropes but you are a loving daughter who has already gone far an beyond any reasonable expectation in caring for your mom apparently without the support you should be getting from your sibling, you can get out from under this while still taking care of your mom.

SharonAS, my Mom's journey started a little over 6 years ago when she was only 67 yrs old. Her first stay on the Geriatric Psych Ward was approximately 28 days. Yes, it took that long to get her "meds" adjusted for dementia with psychosis. She was only home (alone with health care coming by during the week) for 4 months before the state stepped in and took her to the hospital yet again. (long story with that one) I was called by the social worker from the hospital because the state was not aware my Mom HAD a daughter that had been there with her the first time. Because the state was now in custody of my Mom, I had to go to court to get guardianship of her. (no cost to me) Was told upon release she could not return home, so we found an AL for her. She lived there well for a little over 2 years before being moved upstairs to the MC part of the facility for another 2 years because she required additional care. THEN they called saying we had 30 days to find a NH for her because she required more care than they could provide. Well, we did it and imagine our surprise when she was assessed by the NH Dr and we found out it wasn't the original diagnosis at all, but Parkinson's! They cut out many of the meds the MC had her on, adjusted others and started new ones for PD. New Person Now! Long story but I'd definitely ask them to test her for Parkinson's. My prayers are with you and yours.

You can't go on like this. Both of you are in danger. My Mom was extremely violent, screamed for 3 days and said that if she didn't feel there would be repercussions, she would slit our throats. I went to social services. They had an elder abuse rep who came home with me. After 5 mins, she called the cops who took her to the ER. Hospital wanted to sedate her and send her home but I refused. Gotta be firm. I said that I didn't care where she went but that I was in fear for my Dad's life and mine. After a few hours of standing firm, Mom was sectioned and taken to the state psych hospital. Ghastly experience but she was there for 4 months getting proper help. She's now on a cocktail of Seroquel and an antidepressant and home with me. Different woman.

SharonAS,

I read your previous post and I'll say the same thing here.
Your mother cannot remain living in your house with you as her caregiver.
She is a threat to herself and others. The next time she gets worked up into a violent tantrum call 911. They will take her to the hospital. You go straight to the police station when she gets taken out of your home. Make an official statement and get a restraining order so she will not be allowed back to your house.
They will take her to the hospital. Then someone from the hospital will want to speak with you. Make sure you tell them she tries to hurt herself.
Show whoever the hospital sends to speak to you the restraining order and tell them that you cannot and will not allow her back into your home and that you refuse to continue caring for her.
They will keep her in the hospital until they find a suitable facility to put her in.
In the meantime, you do not have to allow yourself to be injured or your property wrecked because she is old and has dementia. No one would expect someone to live with a spouse or domestic partner who behaved like your mother. That would be domestic violence and abuse. You are living in domestic violence and abuse too.
I don't know what your physical strength and conditions are. The next time she comes at you, hit her back if you can. Use pepper spray. Shove her to the floor and restrain her with zip ties or handcuffs if you have to and leave her there until she calms down or tantrums herself into exhaustion. From what you say here she isn't suffering from any mobility issues and isn't weak and feeble if she can kick, bite, punch, and choke you. What will stop her next time from taking a kitchen knife and killing you with it? Or from smashing every window in your house? Or from burning your place down altogether?
She is a violent psychotic and you are in danger having her in your house. She has to be placed in a secure facility where she can't hurt her self and others. Drop her off at an ER before it's too late.

In Florida we have the Baker Act if she is a threat to herself or others. They will take her to a psych setting and determine the best care and medication. 3 day min stay depending on diagnosis. They can also assist with placement in to a memory care. Do you have a similar program?
Also if appropriate hospice can assist if she has a life limiting illness.

She needs professional help in a retirement home.

Call 911 now! Repeat. Call 911 now. Don’t wait for the appointment with the new psychiatrist. The past is typically a precursor to the future, so don’t hold out for a miracle cure that is unlikely to happen. You need to call 911 now. Do not under any circumstance allow her to return to your home.