We just moved my in-laws with dementia and now they want to visit their old home. Should we let them go back and see their home?
My in-laws (mother-in-law especially) want to "say goodbye and get their things" from their former home. Other days they "appreciate the vacation home the kids have provided (!) but are ready to move back home". Currently the house is in disarray because we moved them into an independent living duplex (we have lots of family help and a state-funded personal care aide) and furnished it with most of their furniture. We packed EVERYTHING they loved and more than they could ever need (thank goodness for an attic in their new place). Their new place is FULL. They don't remember what the old house looked like and don't remember any items they don't have. They got into financial trouble a couple of years ago, and my husband and I paid off their debt in exchange for the deed on their house (they wanted us to be able to recoup that money), and now we must sell it. They continued to live there for two years until he had to have surgery this past January. He had surgical complications and was in the hospital for six months, which worsened his memory loss. The house needs cleaning, many repairs, and updating. Of course, they don't remember any of this and still think they are fine. They have been in their new home for about a month. They (she in particular) are very insistent with their daughter and her sister about going to the house NOW. We want to accommodate them and allow them a normal grieving process. It will be very hard on them and all of us kids, who are still struggling with his near-death situation and caring for her 24/7 during that time, the shocking and significant state of their dementia, and having to move them from their beloved home. The family dynamic is to do whatever the mother wants. Will they remember that they went, and why they are upset? Will they continuously want to return, and how do we deal with that? Can they go through a normal grieving process? If we take them, when should we do it? One therapist recommended doing it when the house was completely empty. Is it cruel to take them? Or not take them? She didn't want to go through her stuff originally, and she doesn't have the ability to go through the selection process since she can't problem-solve well. They will be very emotionally overwhelmed during and after the visit, but we want to do what is best for them and for us. Any input would be appreciated.
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Deanna
There is some appeal to waiting until the house is ready to sell to take them to see it (if at all). That might provide a kind of closure. But they have dementia so all bets are off regarding how they will process it.
You might satisfy their needs with some family albums. That is often a good passtime with people who still have their longterm memory. Oh look at the lilac bushes next to the house! Did you plant them, or were they there when you bought the house? Tell us about when you bought (or built) the house. Why did you pick that location? Etc. etc. Perhaps during some of these conversations someone can work in a comment about hoping that the next owners of the house will get as much pleasure out of it that your family did.
Keep in mind that what dementia sufferers say they want and what they are really longing for may not be the same thing. My husband went through a period of begging to "go home." He sometimes packed things to go home. He frequently asked when we could go home. He waited at the door for the ride to take him home. All this while we were in the house we had lived in together for the past 14 years. At various times he thought our house was a nursing home, a hotel, a railway station, a high school, or a hospital. I later learned that wanting to "go home" even when they are home is fairly common in dementia. Was he thinking of a childhood home? Was he just wishing his life was the way it used to be?
In your situation there is a literal building that your in-laws want to see. But they can't "go home" to that literal building or to the way their life was before dementia began robbing them of it, any more than I could take my husband home. Whether satisfying the request to see the house again will help or harm I can't guess.
Use your best judgment, and realize that whatever happens regarding the house, your in-laws situation is profoundly sad. Seeing or not seeing a building will have little impact on that, in my opinion.
Hugs to you!
Second, is her daughter and sister aware of how bad a shape that house is in?
Third, it does not sound like you and your husband will be able to regain the money you used to pay off that debt with how much work the house will need and the current housing market.
Fourth, do they understand that since giving you the deed to the house for paying off their debt that they no longer own the house?
Fifth, what does your inlaws doctor say about moving or not moving?
Sixth, as I see with my own mother who has dementia and does not realize how unrealistic her situation is for ever going back home, your inlaws will want to go home which you'll have to find some way to deflect the conversation to another subject.
Seventh, is there a social worker who works there that can give you some guidance.
Eight, is your family really ready to handle the 24/7 care for your inlaws and the declining stages yet before you?
Ninth, more than just "let's keep mama happy because if she's not happy, then no one is happy" the focus really needs to look at the situation as a whole as to what is best for everyone involved given the realities of the present and the prognosis for the future so that no one gets thrown under the bus.
I wish you well in sorting all of this out.
Don't over think this. They have made a simple request. As a caregiver there are and will be far bigger issues to deal with.
Overall I say let them see the house when empty. Be sure they know that you are stopping by to tour the home on your way to some other activity that is important to attend...an activity THEY want to attend. (Perhaps a grandchilds activity) Video tape the tour . Be sure the video shows them walking through the home, the yard, the garage, any outbuildings. If they talk about memories as they tour the home capture that. Then as appropiate they can relive the visit.
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