Let them stay or get them out?
My folks moved into our basement apartment after hating the IL facility they moved into. They were out of state before and I had limited contact with them. Now that they are here, it’s obvious they are in decline. They are unable to handle their meds, finances, appointments, and little things around the house. I am slowly having to take over things. My husband is very good with them and my sister (out of state) does what she can.
They can’t afford AL (a decent one) but there is a little house going up for sale in a few months that they could buy. We have figured they could buy the house and we hire they help that we can not provide. This home is 4 miles away from me. My parents are still able to drive for now. FYI: my father wants to move (he hates living in our 3 bedroom,2 bath walk-out basement), my mother refuses to move.
My husband feels if they move, we will just be going farther to do all the stuff we do now. He also is a caregiver at heart and enjoys going downstairs and talking with them. They think he is wonderful (🤦🏻♀️ hahaha).
My mother is a narcissist (which I never realized or admitted to myself), my dad has always been an SOB. They are not nice people, selfish, and demanding. I left home at 18 and never looked back. I do not enjoy their company.
My sister feels they should move. My husband thinks they should stay here. I am torn. I don’t like them, I have taken over finances, meds and other things as needed. I have them scheduled for the aging eval and hope to get an official dementia diagnosis for both of them. We are working with a senior attorney and getting all the different paperwork that is needed.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t mind helping them with stuff, but I am struggling with the little spiteful things my narcissistic mother says. She also is in denial of her mental decline and blames me for her issues. My father just sits in a chair and moans and groans all day. My opinion of quality of life and assisted suicide are changing (please forgive me Lord for these thoughts)
My options: Move them out, have my space, but my husband and I would be spending time over there.
Keep them here, hire help as needed but I still have to deal with “them”.
It would be easy if my husband wanted them to move. They would be gone. My husband feels I need to learn to deal with them and not get so upset (he is right about that). So add guilt to my issues hahaha.
Any suggestions, and please NO ONE GUILT ME! They are not nice people and I do not owe them a dime! I am in this position out of responsibility, not out of love for them. They ruined that years ago. Count your blessing if you have love for your parents. Some of us were/are not that fortunate.
Please for their own safety and the safety and lives of every person on the road, take their keys away.
You say they didn't care for the IL facility they were living at. Help find them another one.
Here's the plain and honest truth. If they cannot afford a high-end IL or AL, they can't go to one.
Get them out of your house now because it's only going to get worse. Find them a senior community they can afford then place them.
Your house or buying them a house should not even be considered.
Who will do the maintenance? Plumbing? Unclog the toilets?
Folks with dementia generally get to where they can't be left alone around cooking appliances or running water. Who is going to be there to super big ise?
Have you looked into what private aides cost? $20 an hour at least?
I trust your elder law attorney is well versed in Medicaid. Your parents funds should be used to get them into the best possible Assisted Living Facility that will take Medicaid after a period of private pay.
Evict them if you must. Caregiving is hard enough when you love the person and have loads of good memories. Caregiving for someone who is nasty to you and who was NEVER kind is a total soul suck. Don't fall into that.
I couldn't agree more. My mother's abusive neediness and being her caregiver almost drove me to an act of desperation.
It ruined my life and it's been a long and slow road recovering from it.
Tell hubby that he doesn't get to make decisions about them living in your home bc he doesn't share your history w them, nor does he get treated in the same manner. He's a MAN after all. Sheesh. He may love doting on them now, we'll see what happens when they're playing with their feces laden Depends at 3 am down the road. No joke.
Your parents hated IL and now dad hates living in your home. Would Buckingham palace be too small for his tastes as well, as it would've been for my mother? Some people love misery so much they meet it half way.
Best of luck with all of this.
Your parents don’t get to decide if they remain living in YOUR home or not . Your parents may not be happy with the arrangements but as my wise friend told me .
“ They get what they need , not what they want .”
Meaning figuring out the way that this will work for you as well as your parents get the care that they need.
That could look like help coming in and you don’t go downstairs that much .
Or your parents move out and have help coming in.
Or your parents move to a facility . Do not use your own money to support them. I realize though that you said they can’t afford a decent AL. At some point down the road Medicaid can pay for care in a nursing home if needed . I’m glad you are consulting an elder care attorney .
IF they move out why would they buy a house? Too much upkeep. An apartment would be better , where the landlord keeps up with maintenance and repairs, and no yard to mow .
Option 1 was the folks move out, but you provide their assistance.
Option 2 was the folks stay & they hire help.
Hang on.. what about
OPTION 3 The folks move out AND hire help?
OP, think about what’s best for YOU. Your narc parents are nice to your husband, fine. But they’re NOT nice to you: YOU’RE the one who’ll suffer.
OP, you might suffer for years.
:(
So your folks are showing you quite clearly they now need *Assisted Living*? But AL 'hotels' cost $$$$.
Get that aging eval to see just what is needed. Start there.
- What tasks are they Indepenant?
- What tasks Needs Assistance?
- What tasks Needs Others To Do.
This will give the shape of things.
Downsizing - to something smaller to free up funds for care... in some shape or form may well be needed. This task will be their next big life adjustement.
Your task, is up to you...
BE the assistance part of their assisted living? Point them towards services to help them?
Or be a support & interested bystander (or even not).
The stress from the emotional abuse is enough to tear you down bit by bit. I don't have any compassion for these narcissists. If they didn't act like parents to their children when they were younger, they shouldn't expect kids to rally around them when they are older. I had a father like this. I never hear from his wife now since he passed away almost ten years ago.
No explanations needed. Both my mom and mil are narcs.
If it were me, I would let them stay and hire help as needed. Since they are unpleasant, simply limit your time spent with them in the basement and hopefully they do not come up into your living space. Obviously, as they decline to a certain point, assisted-living or memory care will then be necessary. As long as everyone has their own space, it should work OK.
It is certainly different when the elderly person lives in your personal space and makes messes, spreads their possessions all over your living room, dominates the TV, etc.
I think it would be easier to manage them if they are living in the basement versus having to travel to their house daily.
The ONLY reason I think it is a good idea, if there are only these two choices, is that it is a step out of your house and perhaps a step closer to a permanent home. Win/win.
Usually each move will bring some decline. And it will all have to be done again until they are in a NH or pass. Since they don’t seem eligible for NH at this point, it is kind of you to try to find them suitable housing.
The testing you have set up is not until October. You have had them since March. Do you plan to wait until Oct to move them?
If you need help knowing the level of care they need, contact a Social Worker, Area Agency on Aging in your county, or consult an ADL list on your own and determine how many of their ADLs they are deficient in. I’ve attached a link to help you. There are many online. It seems that you are performing their IADLS for them now except that your dad is still driving.
The $2,000 they pay you won’t go very far in their care expenses. You have to document/protect the flow of their assets to keep them eligible for Medicaid when/if it is needed. You don’t give their ages so hard to know how many years they might be expected to need care.
Bear in mind, not going forward on the legal work can backfire. They can reach a point where they are no longer competent to assign a DPOA. This will make your life harder.
It’s not advised to wait until you need it. That’s generally too late. EDIT; I see you now working with an attorney. Great.
There is no fresher hell than caring for someone in your home that you don’t like. Even when you adore them, it is life changing and takes a long while to recover.
You remind us that they are your parents. sometimes because it is our child or our parent we think we are doing them a giant favor when the truth is they may be better off with caregivers who can relate to them as people with no more baggage than the next person.
You have a good example of that with your DH. It doesn’t bother him as much as it does you.
Annie51 most of us have cared for loved ones, some not first hand, but we read posts daily of others in various stages of where we have been, still are or recovering from. We see the struggle and know the pain, conflict and how much it takes to recover. Forgive us for not sugar coating the reality of the situation as we see it. We are volunteers, giving of ourselves to our mostly sister caregivers. Each situation is different. We do all learn from one another, even the ones we don’t always agree with.
http://www-tc.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/caregiver/pdf/cfyp_adl_checklist.pdf
https://www.newlifestyles.com/blog/adls-iadls-what-are-they-how-do-you-measure-them-why-might-storytelling-help-those-who-are-adl-deficient
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