Does anyone else feel like their life is disappearing in an effort to take care of their aging parent?

Thanks for the info. Mom is not ill enough for hospice. she uses a walker to get around but needs help bathing, dressing, preparing meals etc. I take care of the home, bills, petcare, meal prep, shopping, just everything. When I am at work I have a caretakers stay with her during the day but she is never happy with them She has gone through 5 different caretakers since last November.

She gets mad at me and tells me to get out her house. I can't afford to move out because I can't afford to hire the caretakers she needs if I were to move out. She treats me like hired help. She never sees or understands that I have sacrificed my entire life to care for her.

I get very depressed because I know the situation will only get worse as her disease progresses. I know I have days ahead that will be like yours. I tried going to a counselor and all she can tell me is that I have to treat her as an irrational 3 year old. She may be childlike in her behavior but you can't respond to her like you would a child.

Thanks again for your info.

Me again My mother too, has a colostomy that she refused how to learn to change it so that is my responsibliity and you never know when one might burst. I have to give her all her meds she has no idea which ones to take. Can not remember how to use any kitchen appliances except the toaster. Never gets dressed for the day says she does nt feel like it. She is a very depressing person to be aroung all day. I have notices tho when I keep my site of God and keep my faith strong my life does go much better, I to have pitty parties instead of trusting God first that there is a reason I am here, I just not sure what all of it is yet, except to make me more humble and lean on him more. But a good sleeping pill for my mom that won't make her crazy wwould be nice any suggestions out there. Thanks again. And for the belivers out there please pray for me.

The stress level on this one thread, I think, is the highest that I've read anywhere. The feelings of being imprisoned and the descriptions of the decreasing health of us as caretakers is a horrible story which needs to be told and when it is vented there is not any rational reason for feeling ashamed or a need to apologize for venting. Maybe I'm feeling a bit manic in response to so much here, but I've posted on several people's walls tonight the need we all have to deal with the F.O.G. which sounds like it is so thick for some that even fog lights might not help.

In our own situations with what is realistically available within the context of our lives, and how comfortable we are with not or stopping walking on eggshells, we need to take some steps to get freedom from the overwhelming sense of Fear Obligation Guilt that has either come from how our parent's programed us, or some relative in our lives or from somewhere else that keeps us from finding ways to take better care of ourselves and set some healthy boundaries instead of thinking we are bad or selfish for doing so.

I love the support that I get here and I enjoy offering support. The more I read of other's stories, the more I find that it seems that one of my purposes for being here is being a F.O.G. buster.

I have just found this site and have to admit that it is a relief to read that I am not alone.My mother is ambulatory, but between mini-strokes that continue to take away more of her cognitive abilities, her ongoing physical issues (colostomy, no thyroid, high BP, etc) and the continual resistance and arguements she puts forward, I often feel stressed and exhausted. I love her, but I just wish this time would come to an end. The only piece of advice that I feel I can offer is first I have found stretching exercises, listening to music (via ipod) and reading when she is asleep to provide small islands of relief. I also try to not focus too much on the caregiving situation and just tell myself to keep my efforts in "auto pilot"...meaning keep moving forward. This keeps my energy levels from becoming too depleted or my mood too depressed. We are all in a situation that we have little control over, therefore I work on trying to not let the feelings of being overwhelmed take over. My matra has become "it is what it is".

Good morning everyone, I was reading through everyone's comments and just wanted to say that I can relate to the frustration and anguish. I would like to offer that I have come to the conclusion that there is one thing left that I can control and that is the amount of energy I am going to give my anger, frustration, and anguish. I can tell when those levels go too high, my neck pain becomes more prominent, hips and joints ache more, and I eat more. The absolute most difficlut thing I have had to learn is letting go of these emotions. I don't mean that they fly away or disappear, I just keep talking to myself about letting go of the amount of energy it takes me to keep them AND then to keep things going with my mother....who each day manages to find the dark side of things. The bottom line is I believe that she is no happier than I am about this situation which is why I think she "strikes out". I also have observed and put together pieces of information which now helps me to understand that it is not that mom has become this "person"....she had issues to begin with and unfortunately aging, health complications, and cognitive impairments have lessened her abilities.
Bottom line of what I want to offer: Yes they are our parents; yes, we feel stressed by the extra burden placed on us and they appear to be ungrateful, and yes the stress we feel turns us into people we do not recognize....BUT in the end, you still need to decide how much energy will you put forth fighting something you cannot control (your parent's health and their behavior) and how much energy can you re-channel to keeping the qualities you like most about yourself with yourself. I have been up and down with mom, but I am getting better at just moving forward...which is what we all have to do. Take care everyone.

I'v been taking care of my mom for 4yrs now.I was angry all the time at my siblings for not helping but I realize it was only hurting me so I prayed and prayed and ask God to change my way of looking at things and help me to have a better attude and realize that this is where I am to be right now.Just changing my way of looking at things has help me so much.

It is so very helpful to hear others echo the same feelings I have. My problem is that my mom is very anxious and will do NOTHING to care for herself, and conveyed the message very successfully to her son and favorite child that he was not required to help, even though he lived off my parents and took money from them! I have come to realize that the anger is a legitimate emotion that we should NOT feel guilty about. We can do without and give up for only a certain amount of time. I realize that the feelings I have for my Mom are a reflection of her feelings for me. If a parent didn't give you what you needed emotionally when you were a child, you cannot do better now, and it is NOT your fault. You can only give back what you have gotten, and no more. It is very difficult to feel any kind of warmth to abusive, dysfunctional parents. I carry on by trying to care for my Mom as best I can in a humane way, and tell myself that the "empty spots" in her care are when her son is supposed to be contributing to her upkeep but doesn't do it. The problem is, we take a vow to care for our spouses and children, but not our parents. They think because they gave you life they can take your life, not realizing that sending you to college or raising you was their job, and you don't owe anyone anything for doing their job! I just pray very hard and hope that I don't lose my mind. Most of us also have families to care for, so we have to stay sane for ourselves and spouses and children.

carol7,

I remember the quick downward spirial that my mother went into last March after finally agreeing to give me Durable POA. I sure wish she had done that earlier and asked for my help with taxes that I learned last February were secretly past due since 2004. I remember well what the drama of those weeks which esclated with many ups and downs until around the middle of the fall things became a bit more stable.

It sounds like you have become the person who now must make the dicisions that your parents avoided making. That's tough and I feel for you.

When my family was going thorugh an extremely rough time several years ago, I tried to be therapist for my boys, but while that was good for us in becoming closer, we later realized that we were all sinking as I was less and less able to be their rock. Thus, I got them to their own therapists 6 years ago and it's helped them much.

Yes, your close geographical location does make it more difficult to not absorb their emotions to the point of what they are feeling becomes how you are feeling, but that can't be solved by distance alone. I assume your parents have medicare A and B. Do either of them have any helath insurance from prior work experience?

It sounds like you could really use a third party to work through what your mom needs and what your dad needs and what can realitically be done. I wonder if someone from home health would come out and assess the situation and give you some optoins?

Right now you basically sound like I felt last year around this time and for a good while longer. As my mom's only child, all I could see was 5 years of past due taxes; a stepdad in a whieel chair as well as disbelif; and some step-siblings who did not seem to care that their dad was also 5 years behind in taxes. I had all the legal authority that I needed with both Durable and Medical POA, but it was like I was both overwhlemed by the situation and not entirely taking hold of the reigns with the tools in my hands. When you are looking a potentional IRS tax bill from 2004 with penaltieis and interest of $94,000 it gets your attention. My therapist helped me just take one part of this mountian at a time, get proactive in my communication with my step-dad and step-siblings which probably has made them feel like I'm going great guns and should give me the nickname of Rambo Crowe. Anyhow, The new CPA I hired back in September has completed tax years '05, '06, '07 and the plan is to finish '08 in March and '09 in April. It's been a royal nightmare finding all of the documents needed, etc. We've had one more letter about the 2006 return looking like another $90,000 plus. However, both '04 and '06 ended up beeing far less once we got all of the information together.

This was all done with me making several to where they live an hour away. Plus, I and my wife are both on full disability, and we have two teenage boys. This whole journey and my bipolar II which is the depressive kind have not gotten along with each other too well. Nor has this been a smooth emotional journey with the family or origin issues related more to my mother, but also with my dad that I'm deeply into right now.

So, it was a major turning point for me last week when I could finally clean my "Man Cave" and restore it to both being clean and orderly which included putting two years of my mom's financial info in containers outside of this room. As long as this room is ok, I feel like I can deal with the drama of my own family as well as the drama of my mother and step-dad, but this room falling apart went along with me fallling apart. One thing that also bothered me was not knowing where my mother's will so I woud see who the esecutor is. Well, since finding it back around Sept or so, I have the peace of mind knowing that if mom dies before taxes are caught up, we will still move foraward with the taxes because I'm the designation executor of the estate.

So, yes you are not alone. You will make it. Just try as hard as it is to take this moutain one peice at a time. Try to be both aware of how your parent's are feeling without being controlled by those feelings because you have absorbed them into yourself if that's taking place. You very well might have to have some discussions which are going to be rough and probably need to begin with "I'm sure this is going to be something that is not easy for either of us to talk about, but we really must talk about this now" with out the I wish ya'll had done this or I had pushed you do do that long ago. Somewhere on this site is my poem Path through trajic Pain. I think it might help. If you can't find it here, just google Path Through Trajic Pain and you wil find it.

Hang in there and know that we are all rooting for you for we understand right where you are and truly you are not alone.

Oh how we all feel your pain. I'm the youngest of 8 kids...and the only one that has been by my mom's constant side. I have a husband and 3 kids. Quit all my cleaning jobs to care for my 91 year old mom, who has progressive dementia. I'm going crazy out of my mind from no sleep. She is up every hour on the hour, even with all the drugs I have been instructed to give her. She has hospice and they have been my saving grace. I am getting C.O.P.E. at the end of the month. So I can get some much needed rest. Hang in there and check for any resources in your area that you might qualify. I thought I could go it alone. But I'm so glad I have them all to lean on. Respite is a wonderful thing.

Yvone I am so sorry for what you have to endure-my husband did not love me-he changed as soon as we got married and did say he hated me so caring for him was difficult and I finally had to learn to detatch and not let his bad moods and behaivor reflect on me and that I simply did not deserve to be treated badly-and his bad behaivor kept up until his last heartbeat-he was unresponsive to me the last days but did try to talk to our kids and grandchildren-he was punishing me -the one person who stuck with him through long standing abuse the verbal hurt more than the physical abuse. Moonlily please call social service or the office of the aging in your county-someone needs to give you some relief-please keep us posted. Lavender-any friend that indicates that they are tired of hearing your feelings should not be in your life-a true friend would try different things to help-maybe stay with the person you are caring for for 2 hrs so you can rest.