Hi, new here so it's great to find this resource. Myself and my husband and toddler moved in with my FIL last year to care for him after MIL passed away. He does not need 24/7 care but has early stages dementia, anxiety and depression. Family only visit when it suits them. The problem is when they do visit they come in a group of 5 or 6 at the same time (kids included) and stay late so I cannot get my daughter to bed at her routine time which causes chaos in the house and leads to a very grumpy toddler. I have reached out and asked them if they could perhaps call a little earlier so I could do the bedtime at the normal time. They Have refused and said they will call when they like and won't be told when they can and can't call. It makes me feel like I am so unwelcome in my own home. They are due to visit again soon and I am dreading it. Am I being unreasonable in what I am asking them??
I would say when family visits, leave. They can care for Dad and you can get out of the house. Don't feel you need to entertain. Also, it really isn't your home.
If they want to cop this kind of attitude, let them take care of the elder. They'll change their tune if they do.
The problem is, unless (and unfortunately, EVEN IF) you have purchased this home from your FIL, you clearly have relatives who view this as his home, and not yours; regardless of whatever care you're giving FIL. These self-same relatives might even feel that you "owe" FIL this care for "letting" and your family live in FIL's home - even if you're paying towards the household.
You and your husband might want to seriously re-think this living arrangement. You should also have some ideas for the future - like in the instance that your FIL needs placement and his house has to be sold in order to finance that. Will you and your family be left homeless should that happen?
There are too many sad stories of adult children who move in with ailing mom and/or dad, and figure that it will be a "win-win" - figuring they can save some money on living expenses, while giving needed care to mom/dad who don't want to leave their home and their "independence". Then the care becomes too much, parent(s) has to be placed, parents' assets have to be used, and adult caregiving children find themselves in a real financial bind. And often, non-caregiving relatives feel like the caregiving children should have been "saving up" for this very scenario - never giving any thought to the difficulty in maintaining a full-time job while being a 24/7 caregiver.
Make sure you have an ironclad, doable "escape plan" in place if you are going to continue on this path.
Good luck!
If you would like mediation contact numbers I can give you web sites; just ask for them.
This is basically still your FIL home; I think that you should see an elder law attorney with him to get together on whether you are being paid for any care now or in the future. Whether he requires your acting as his POA and limiting visits or not. Much of the power here still rests with your FIL and an adversarial relationship with the rest of the family is going to end in a total nightmare for you. This is a matter of "can't we all just get along" and I think you all need to find a way to come to agreement and to get along WITH your FIL part of those decisions. There are worse things than a periodically grumpy up-too-late toddler. MUCH worse, and you could be heading there.
Basically, unless he has serious dementia you are down to WHAT DOES DAD WANT. And before he does, see an elder law attorney so that when he does you can act on your POA to limit visits as you feel is needed. This all needs to be in writing, and thought out. You, as daughter in law living in your FIL's home will have little say in this matter. It is FIL first, his son second. Hard to handle when you are doing the cooking and cleaning, I know, but you took this on, hopefully not totally blindsided by who this family is.
It's really a shame when you are doing something kind & generous for your FIL and his own family won't compromise a bit for YOU. It must make you feel like someone who has NO VOICE at all in this home you're living in, which stinks.
I think maybe you should ask your FIL to set down some rules for the family members. I hope it works.
Best of luck.