Mom's "Core Personality" on full display today. Long story not so short, after telling Mom, again, that she cannot live with me, I do not have the room for her and she cannot climb my stairs to the bathroom, and her again saying, "But my grandparents lived with us when I was a kid and we had a great time" (no they didn't. Her senile grandfather grabbed her hand and put it on his....and ask her to pleasure him when she was 9 years old) and telling her that it doesn't matter what her parents did, I do not have the room for her and I was not going to force my kids to help take care of her, anyway, I changed the subject to the two new pairs of pants I bought her a month ago that she hadn't even worn yet. She first said that I hadn't bought her new pants that all she had was two pair of pants. I opened her pants drawer and there, on top of the six other pairs of pants, were the two I had just bought her. "Here they are. How do they fit? (While noticing that the tags were still on). She realizes 2 things, I can see it in her face: 1. That she had forgotten something and was not correct that I didn't buy her new pants and how dare I, a 52 year old CHILD in her eyes know something she doesn't. 2. I was changing the subject because I wasn't putting up with her pity party game and how dare I, a 52 year old child in her eyes, not let her try to make me feel bad for not letting her live with me. so I must be punished. Mom's favorite way to punish anyone, especially her kids... MIND GAMES. "They don't fit. They're too big. They fall off me." "Oh, really? Can I see how they fit so I can get a sense of what size to get you instead?" Uh-oh, now she's been caught in a lie thus - Fake can't get the pants that she has on and are falling literally slipping down to her butt off, they "won't go past her waist" she says, just as she's dropping them to the floor. "Mom, please sit down to take those off so you don't fall." Grabs the new pair, and while standing tries to put her legs in, "Mom, please sit down to put your pants on." Ignores me. Mom, Sit Down. You're going to fall. Ignores me. Pulls the new pants up to her bust line panting, "SEE, they're too tight, I I-I ccan't -b-b-reeeaaatthe) All so pathetically fake its was disgusting. "They look like they fit fine, Mom." While she begins taking them off again, still standing and nearly falling over. The whole time faking that she's suffocating. "Mom, PLEASE sit down to take those off." Ignores me. MOM! Sit down! Ignores me. So I lost it. "SIT YOUR @ZZ DOWN, NOW! THAT IS ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE! " Well, here comes the, "I'm stupid. I'm going to kill myself" emotional blackmail I have listened to my entire life. Fine. Good Night, Mom. See you on the flip side, maybe. I felt bad about yelling at her so badly driving home. But after I sat down on my couch and immiserated for a while, I realized, No. I have to stop doing this to myself. My mother's life long undiagnosed mental health disorders now coupled with her dementia are not my fault, and ...also not my problem. It will be months, hopefully, before I visit her again. I'm tired of going through this with her. My entire life has been like this, but now it's all the time, and so much worse that it already had been. I have my own life and my own responsibilities to attend to. My KIDS need me emotionally and psychologically healthy and too bad, so sad for Mom, they come first. That late night text that she needs breath mints...Ignored. That early morning message that she needs help, she's too hot, has no fixodent despite having now SIX brand new tubes, or toilet paper despite having 4 unwrapped rolls in addition to the brand new roll on the holder, but come now please, "I'm so scared! Help. Please!" Nope. New phone, who dis? I can't take it. I won't take it. I want my life back.
She's a Drama Queen BRAT, acting like AL is a jail/asylum, when she has no housework, cooking or cleaning to do! Ignore her whining how "she's scared." Scared of what? The housekeeper missed a spot? She doesn't like her meals made for her? Her towels aren't soft enough? Seriously?
Stop answering your phone, stop visiting, stop wasting your time and money. You have to be strong and simply AVOID HER. Don't buy her anymore clothes. As long as you come running every time, she will never stop her drama! She's in a nice place, has people to help her, and if it's an AL, she can leave if she wants!?
Make your own family your 2025 PRIORITY. You don't get the time you waste on Mom back. If you don't distance yourself and break this cycle, you have only yourself to blame. I don't see why so many caregivers get their troublesome parent placed, then go running back to them at every call! Mom's needs will be met fine where she is!
Life is too short. You must take yours back!
Stop spending your money on things she doesn't need. Learn to ignore her crazy demands. Mental health issues and dementia sometimes go hand and hand.
It will only get worse.
Yes she is mentally ill and forgetful, but she knows what she is doing. I can’t stand it when adults play games like this. I have never accepted that family should just let their elders treat them like dirt. Living to get old doesn’t give people license to say or do whatever they want, whenever they want. It is not wrong to call such people out on their actions. Especially when they have never been called out or challenged on their behavior!
Stop feeling bad about it . I know I did too and it served no purpose .
My mother was also mentally ill and dementia just fanned the fire. She would push my buttons because SHE was unhappy about HER situation .
You have to protect yourself from getting burned . You can’t change Mom.
In desperation one day I yelled at Mom and told her “ I did not make you old Mom , I can’t fix old “. It actually made it better . She stopped her nonsense that day . And from then on she toned it down . You have to stand up for yourself .
Leave when she starts , tell her you have to go .
I deal with all types of clients. I have one in particular that I had to take a firm stand. He sat there in filthy clothing everyday for months. The air even smelled dirty. Finally, I broke it down to him that if his nurse saw him in those clothes that she would call APS and report self neglect. He would sit in wet pants refusing to change them.
After that firm talking to, he bought an entire new wardrobe of clean clothing and the bathroom is much cleaner.
I grew up in a house where mom's mother lived with us. I was an only child and dad worked from 7am till 11pm 7 days a week. Mom and grandma fought like rabid dogs all day long, with mom punching herself until she fell down in a heap on the floor. Lost her voice from screaming. Would get in the car to go "kill herself" while burning rubber off the driveway. Leaving grandma praying on her knees at the door and 4 year old me crying behind the high boy dresser in her bedroom. THIS was "losing her temper BIG TIME."
You need to stop buying mother things. She doesn't want them, or deserve them or appreciate them. You're looking to get blood from a stone thinking she'll appreciate your efforts in buying her slacks, and she turns that act of kindness into YOUR problem. I know the routine, and it sucks.
Your mother is a dramatic victim. Nothing you do is ever quite right or good enough. She wants to provoke you to overreact to her histrionics so YOU will yell, and then SHE can play victim and be The Injured Party. She's "so stupid she doesn't deserve to live" B.S. which is the Waif personality of the Borderline Personality Disordered individual. Read about it on Outofthefog.website It'll blow your mind like it did mine.
Mother needs to hire aides to help her and pay THEM to put up with her. You need to back AWAY from the nonsense. I had mom in AL for years bc I told her I'd do no hands on caregiving or cohabitating. Once was more than enough.
Protect yourself. Once these mentally ill women develop dementia (which they all seem to do), they go from a 5 to a 10 in their lunacy. They become unmanageable in every way. The only answer is very limited contact so we're not sucked into the vortex of insanity WITH them.
My mother lived to 95.
What steps will you take to protect yourself?
No matter what we decide to do , help them or not , either way , we have to do what is best for US.
Sorry this turned into me venting my life not very helpful to you, but we are not alone! 🫂🫂
I know I must have recommended Liz Scheier's memoir, Never Simple to you. You can get this through your library, on any book service, cheap on Amazon. She tried to function for her mother for decades, along with the Social Services of city and state of New York, all to no avail. Her mother died in either skid row housing or on the streets, I cannot now remember. Her mother was mentally ill mostly undiagnosed, and also almost certainly by the end in the throes of dementia.
You are driving YOURSELF nuts with all this.
You must stop.
You need to get it that there is nothing you can do FOR your mother.
There is nothing you can do ABOUT your mother.
You must disengage.
Currently you are contributing to the chaos by partaking in and of it; there can be no such thing as one-sided argument and one-sided fighting. It ALWAYS takes two. You are layering, HEAPING, needless guilt upon yourself.
Please practice the Serenity prayer like a mantra and I say that as an atheist.
Please get help for yourself. GOOD HELP with a cognitive therapist (none of the online nonsense).
Please leave your mother the phone numbers for your local council on aging and APS and EMS and tell her to phone them and not you. Tell her you are bowing out to save your own sanity, and are sorry for her and wish her the best.
Please stop answering your phone.
If you have not taken on POA be certain never ever to do so, and worse yet would be guardianship.
You have no power here.
Not everything can be FIXED.
You are helpless here.
Please stop. You are contributing to your own agony.
You are figuratively smashing your head into a brick wall over and over again.
No one will be able to help you if you continue this just as no one can now help your mother until and unless the state intervenes to diagnose her and manage her in in-facility care.
I am so very sorry. YOU are the SANE one here (for NOW, I stress). You MUST act to protect yourself. You are doing this woman utterly no good whatsoever, and it isn't within your power to do so.
Nobody deserves this crap.