I am married but have no support system. Any advice?

I cook,clean,try and make time for everyone and try to keep everyone happy. I cant do it all with out a little support. Thats all i want is every once in awhile to be able to lean back and have someone catch me.

How were things between you and your wife before your grandmother moved in and your wife became her care giver? Did she do all the dishes and wash all the sheets before your grandmother moved in? Sound like your wife is very unhappy with the current situation. You may need to decide between having your grandmother live with you and having a marriage. You have taken on an impossible task - trying to keep everyone happy.

My feeling is there are some people who enjoy being miserable, especially if they can make others that way. Its like that portion of depression which sometimes leads one to self pity in that one gives own self sympathy. If they don't want to change, its almost impossible to make them recognize their own self pity. If they were a reasonable person they'd tough it out and help you and help your grandmother. I am afraid you're stuck, for now, with it, and the self pity that goes un noticed and unaddressed.

goddessrp, it would be helpful to us if you would fill out your profile a little, so we could easily look up background information. For example, how old is Gramma and what are her impairments? Dementia is somewhat different to deal with than hearing loss, for example.

You did not make this decision alone. You asked your significant other whether she would like to/be willing to take care of Gramma for pay while you worked. But many, MANY people make caregiving decisions without really understanding what they are getting into, and are heartily sorry for the decision once they experience the reality.

Would SI prefer going to work outside the home, and hiring a caregiver for Gramma and also housekeeping and laundry, etc. done? Is that a viable option?

Or is it the lack of privacy and/or Gramma's personality that is most disturbing to SI?

Without knowing what the real sources of dissatisfaction are, it is hard to know what to suggest to help remedy them.

I do have this suggestion, though: Seek relationship counseling together. Have an objective third party help you identify and explore the real issues here.

Come here and talk to us. Our situations are not exactly like yours, but as caregivers we "get it."

If it's only been a month and there is this much discord in your relationship as a result I would find another arrangement for grandma ASAP. If your significant other is this miserable it's only going to get worse from here as the caregiving continues.

And like Jeanne said, so many people agree to being a caregiver out of the goodness of their hearts and have absolutely no idea what they're getting themselves into.

Some people are very lucky to have sounding boards, people they can go to to unload and lean on. I cared for my dad in my home for 5 years and until I found this website I had no one either. I would literally flee the house and go and sit in a park in my car just to get the hell away. It wasn't until the last 6 months of my dad's life that I had support from my brother. He assumed that I would ask if I needed him and I assumed that he should know that I needed him. When we finally came together it was great and much needed. If you need something, ask for it. I wish I had asked sooner.

wife sounds like a passive aggressive rag to me. my ex usedta think she was making some kind of statement by slamming the toilet seat down or slam banging a few dinner dishes. i was trying to teach two boys about couth and manners and finesse and she carried on like a hateful brat. i have no patience for it. shes making someone elses life miserable now and i have the opportunity to find someone with with some sense.
i hope she dies, and it dont take long.
i hope she dies, ' fore i end my so - oong..

Thank you all for your in put.As far as cooking and cleaning it has always been shared. But now its such a separte issue. She makes it a point to let it be known she is only doing her things. And before my grandmother came we had our issues like anyone else...but the problem comes when she blames everything on our current situation. I never was a big going out on the weekends person but now that gma is here Its her fault we cant go out. She feels she cant sit in the living room bc my gma is in there??? Who thinks like that? My gma doesnt complain ask for much and does what she is asked. She isnt a difficult woman and im not being bias. I knw there are some days where her dementia is a little worse than others and it gets to me too but she isnt doing "crazy" things yet. We have it set up to have someone come in tues and thurs from 6pm til 8 pm just so we can have us time to go somewhere and get tea or coffee and friday or saturday we have someone else come in from 7pm until 3 am so we can have our "night out". I am trying as much as i can to accomidate her needs as much as u can and i get no credit. She wants everything the same as it was and she is so unwilling to compromise. She still has a my way or no way mentality about life. I continue to try and she continues to pout and fold her arms until i figure out more ways to accomodate. And ps....before gma came our WE time consisted of us laying in bed on our smart phones so its not like she interupted our ability to have wild crazy dinner parties or anything of the sort. I will never choose between my gma and my wife. It is a loose loose. I choose her i resent her we divorce. I choose gma i resent her and im still alone. But atleast with the latter then is a chance. I am willing to fight to get her to understand. We live in a 3 story 5 bedroom 3 bathroom home. She has her own music studio,finished basement and my gma has her own big room with her own bathroom. We arent falling all over one another. She doent have to be eyes on 24/7. She cant have time alone even when she is there. We can have few stolen momenta but its not exactly they way she wants things to go so its not enough......oh yea and we WERE talking about having kids.......i have since changed my mind...lol could you imagine

She was an stna before she decided to stay home and she complained about going to work everyday. She hated driving from home to home,she hated buying gas every 2 days she hated the boss. But loved the clients.......she always spoke about working from home. So .....i guess be careful what you wish for has never been more true.....lol

Here's a different way to look at this: even though your wife agreed to this and she is an adult and you didn't force her, do you think she was hoping you'd change your mind or didn't want to be the "bad guy" and say "no" but now resents it now that you've done it?

I have family members like that, so that's why I ask. I think I'm discussing what I'm doing with Mom with them, and then get nothing but grief after I do what I said I was going to do, even though they knew about it. Some enjoy waiting until after I do it so they can blame me, as some people are just like that.

Sometimes, I say to them things like: "You agreed to this so I don't want to hear your complaints. Tell me what you want me to do, now, and I'll have a discussion with you, but I'm not interested in complaints. Change the future, don't hang onto what I did or didn't do." I don't know if you think that would work with your wife or make things worse. With my own family members, it hasn't changed their views, but it does get me a little peace and quiet, which is all I really want. And, in my case, it's with people I don't have to live with, so I know that makes a difference, too. Anyway, just giving you some views, not that it's necessarily helpful, just sympathizing more than anything else.

Just a thought: You mentioned that you're going to have to make her understand. Instead of putting yourself in that no-win situation first try understanding where she's coming from. And I'm not "siding" with anyone or anything of that sort but coming at a situation that feels as if we have to 'make' someone understand is a recipe for disaster. She's only doing her dirty dishes, only washing her own personal linens, this is all very passive aggressive behavior like the captain said. Be the better person in this situation and come at it from another angle and listen to what she has to say. She's the angry one, you're the confused one. Find out why she's so angry. Demonstrate to her that you respect her feelings enough to want to discover what she's so angry about and that will probably go a long way. And it's not that I don't believe you but it's so hard to figure out how and why she can be this angry and resentful after only a month of caregiving. What were her expectations of being a caregiver and where did they fall short?

@geo123...that very well is the case. She always says i did this bc i love you and i tell her i love you for doing it but all in the same u cant blame me forever u have to grow up and learn how to deal with life and its difficult situations. She has always been able to talk her way or bat her eyes and get thru life without much hard work. I always sympathize with her. I tell her i understand and i do. I let her go out and enjoy herself ,have free time. I make us time but all there are are complaints...not fast enough, not good enough...just not enough. I try to make and keep her happy bc i understand the changes that have been made and i appreciate her for what she does daily....but i expect the same appreciation and respect. I had issues with my uncle and father concerning how much they visited(or didnt i should say) gma and i would be so mad...i wouklld try and talk with her as wife about how it made me feel and all she did was personally attack them and say that she put herself in a situation to help me bc no one in my family wants ti help. Which then turns into a huge arguement. Lol its just a never ending Whoa is me story with her. I dont have a partner to lean on and help me be strong. I have a wife that i have to dance for in order ti keep a semi happy home. Hhhmmmppp....but i never give up

I'd toss the wife out and keep the grandma! ;-)

@eyerishlass....everything was laid out for her. From 8 to 5. I know her issues with the situation. She wants us time and time away. It wasnt happening fast enough (monthes time) so she continued to blow up at me. She is the snap ur fingers and make it happen type of person. She doesnt understand the concept of working at things and things take time. She still believes that if u see a car advertised for 199 a month thats what u get when u walk into the dealership. Not by any means am i down playing her intelligence bc she is very intelligent but she just doesnt understand what real life is about sometimes. I never drug my feet about a situation or made it seem as if it wasnt a priorty. I would spend half of my wotk day making phone calls to comp and agencies to get workers in when we needed them. I would come home all excited and say babe i have a meeting with the guy from such and such company and she would look at me and say so how many more days will it be. She is not willing to see the light at the end of a very short tunnel. And i always take responsiblity for changing our living situation bc i know she did it for me. But im doing everything i can. I just need a sincere hug from the one person im working so hard to make happy. Im taking care of my gma bc i know ahe needs me. I love my wife and i will run my self ragged to show her i value our marriage and our time together....but appreciate my efforts

its a shame you cant attend a 26 week anger management class. not because your angry but because they teach you the various sick tricks that people pull in order to shame their spouse into submitting to their control. if your wife has been stomping her foot and bullying people since she was a kid shes not likely to ever change. if you dont become more assertive she'll never respect you cause frankly, whats to respect about someone who always caves?

Captain that is a very good point

Good news :) If you are having a bad day you will always be welcome to come here and vent. Spitting everything out is excellent therapy, and people make allowances (e.g. I've never yet been told to stop whining and pull my socks up. I have been told to get a sense of proportion).

Bad news: Dur!!! What is this?: "... I asked my sig other if she thought it was a good idea if my grandmother moved in and she would take care of her and i would work during the day and once i got home she was "off duty". ...Obviously she agreed…." Obviously she agreed! I say again, DUR!!! What was she supposed to do? Say "are you out of your tiny mind?"

There you are, the two of you, dreaming up this rosy picture with cute grandma in the centre of it and you both beaming on her as she sits tucked in her rocking chair, knitting, with a contented little smile on her face and twinkling eyes… And neither one of you had the faintest idea of what you were taking on, right?

Listen.
1. Your significant other agreed to the idea to please you. That's all. She shouldn't have. But she didn't know what else to do.
2. She didn't know what she was agreeing to, and probably neither did you. In fact I'm not at all sure that you see what the problem is even now. In which case, see point 5.
3. Reality has dawned. You are holding her to her freely-given commitment. She bitterly regrets her freely-given commitment. She wants rid of it.
4. That is why nothing you can do to mitigate the problem is enough. She wants not to have the problem.
5. "She thinks ALL she has to do is look after Grandma…" "All," eh, and you think she should be getting the coal in too? There speaks the master delegator. Try it for a week. See if you have enough energy or morale left to raise the TV remote. If you have, try it for a week only this time looking after someone you don't have close emotional ties to; and while you're at it picture it carrying on indefinitely. Then see how you feel.
6. Are you looking at the situation from your grandmother's point of view? How does she feel about it? I don't mean to depress you further, but if she's comfortable in this atmosphere then either she is astonishingly obtuse or she thrives on conflict.
7. All the rest of the petty nonsense derives from above. She's pissed off, you don't get why, she gets more pissed off and flounces about trying to piss you off too so that you'll know how she feels. Yes I know it's daft. I'm just saying, that's what's happened. I hope it's reversible.

Now then. Want to save your marriage? Ask your Grandmother nicely to take a two week stay in a good respite care home (when you're looking for one, think decent hotel with nursing care thrown in). Take your wife away somewhere and spoil her. Apologise for leading her to (note, I didn't say INto) a situation you're both finding impossible. Explain that you hadn't understood what the repercussions were for her. Express your regret that your best intentions for your grandmother aren't doing your grandmother any good either. Accept the need for a radical rethink. Request time to make orderly, humane, alternative arrangements, put a realistic deadline on it, and stick to it. Then you both use the rest of the two-week respite to do some intensive, collaborative research on your grandmother's options, putting grandma's welfare (and known wishes, as far as possible) top of the list of priorities.

In exchange you will be entitled to expect an honest effort on your wife's part to return to married teamwork. You are on the same side and should be pulling together. It won't happen overnight. Keep up a steady tension on the rope and eventually you'll feel your wife taking her fair share of the strain alongside you.

What's your alternative? You jack the whole thing in - and then what? What happens to poor old Grandma? Elderly dependants are much like children (if they're not monstrous tyrants instead) - if you get divorced, Grandma will blame your wife, probably, but more likely herself. I doubt if she'd blame you (my grandson the hero) - but I would. Never take on a project with human factors to it without exhaustive research and back-up from people who've done it before: "…and fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."

I'm sorry you haven't had anyone to rub your back and say poor you - we all need someone to take pity on us after a hard day. Be very wary of ladies who offer to do this, by the way. Their motives may not be pure; and at this difficult time you are a sitting duck to the "understanding" type. I really hope you all come through ok, you've had a poor return on your good intentions. Best of luck.

Hey look in your community for resources for that you have some kind of group a gathering they have them for all kinds of support if you have a Bible you could read proverbs and its supposed to give you understanding :-) just keep on trying and don't give up God has a way of working things out

I have been a caregiver for my spouse, who has Frontal Temporal Dementia (Pick's Disease) for 7 years, as well as my mother who has suffered from Parkinson's for 10 years and then during the last 2 years of her life with Alzheimer's. My mother recently passed away on January 2nd. Taking care of 1 individual with dementia is EXHAUSTING. Taking care of 2 individuals is MORE THAN EXHAUSTING. As time goes on and a dementia patient becomes more unable to do the normal things of life (eating, bathing, going to the bathroom, getting into bed), it becomes more and more exhausting to the caregiver. Simply put, if this is too much for your wife, then assistance is needed. If this is something that has made your home life totally miserable, then there are 3 things you should do:
1) Go to an Elder Law Attorney and get your mother's finances and POA's in order; 2) Go to a personal counselor with your wife and explain your situation; 3) The RESENTMENT and BLAME from both of you must STOP. Perhaps your wife agreed to do this; however, it is an over-whelming task. She may have gotten herself into more than she knew it would be. All jobs have situations that are difficult. However, it is far easier to go to work everyday and then it is to be a caregiver.

I'm sure your experience is slightly different from my perception, but what I noted about your further explanation is that the help you bring in is during "your" time at home after work in the evening and on weekends. That never gives your wife a break during her accountable time of day. It gives you a break from the commitment you made to her.

In my life, most of the time, not always... I've found that people are unhappy for legitimate reasons from their perspective. It must be overwhelming for you to listen to your wife, but she is trying to tell you something and you don't seem to hear her, so she is repeating herself and making bigger gestures to get your attention.

For example, having your relative in her home 24/7 may be overwhelming to her. While your home is large, she may feel uncomfortable with your family member in her home. She may be on alert all the time.

I hope you can find it in your heart to listen carefully to your wife and find out what is really bothering her. Yes, this is an overwhelming situation for you both and yes you did a very kind thing and probably the right thing. I would have wanted to do the same for my grandmother. My blessings to you both.

In my recent experience caring for my dear mother, although I didn't recognize it at first, it was completely overwhelming to me. She didn't even live with me, was completely independent and drove her own car until she passed away. However, I never knew when she would be feeling unwell and would call on me. I was on edge always. I stopped the entire rest of my life waiting for her phone calls early in the morning. I cancelled every appointment I had and every interest and all my work... stopped, just waiting and being there for her when she needed me. In the long run, my weight went up, my blood pressure when up, my cholesterol went up, my vitamin levels went down... I had almost no Vit D and B12 to speak of in my blood... things that cause depression and anxiety. It happened slowly, no one was nasty or demanding, it just happened while I was constantly on alert.

I am glad I did it and so happy that I could be there for her and on the surface, to my relatives, it looked like I didn't have to do much, but my whole life crumbled while I was her "person". It is a slow and quiet thing that happens when we care for the elderly. Ultimately I realized, they don't grow up and become more capable, they grow older and less capable. It is NOTHING like being a parent and the miracles of raising children.

I hope my perspective helps you and your wife. You have taken on a major challenge, that in the long run, hopefully will enrich your lives. Hopefully your wife and grandmother will become good friends, but very likely it will also become even more challenging in time.

In the short run, just from my perspective, you owe your wife a HUGE thank you and some special acknowledgement just for HER day time hours.

As others have suggested here, try to get as much help as you can for both of you, together and for each of you.

goddessrp, I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sorry that Gma is in this tense atmosphere, too. I'll tell you right up front that I have no patience with selfish people and your SI is a selfish person. Counseling has been suggested by others and that is a good idea. I don't think counseling can fix 'selfish' but it's worth a shot. The problem is not Gma in my view. Your relationship was in trouble before Gma and the change just made everything more clear. You and your SI are not a team, and my guess is that you never were. The two of you have probably never had your relationship stressed like it is right now but this is emphasizing an issue that was always present. You sound like a mature, generous, kind person. You are willing to compromise, communicate and grow with someone who is also capable of those things. I can't tell you what to do, but I think some fundamental changes are required. I'm sorry.

I have offerd her time to get away i have offered to bring someone in so she could have time off during the day and she says she doesnt need it and thats not the problem. I said she can work mon wed and fri and have tues and thurs off and have our weekends and she doesnt want or need that she says

Babylettuce...thank you. It feels good to hear someone ( even someone i dont knw) appreciate what i do.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My mom has been with us for 6 months so far, and although hubby and I have had a couple of tense weeks and a few words, nothing like this. I took FMLA from work but my leave is all gone and we have been trying to switch off. My husband's schedule is crazy at work, and I am afraid when the FMLA runs out I could get fired. I really wanted to work Through July/August to get to 20 years, so I will be able to draw retirement at some point in my life (although it will not be much). However, my problems with my spouse has been pretty minimal. He and I have always been best friends and partners. For the most part is very supportive. It sounds like you need some mediation. Marriage is a two way street and will not work if you do not work together and support each other. I hope this works out for you. Let us know if you are able to get some help working things out with her.

I cant possibly get out everything that has gone on during this one month. I never intended this to be easy. I take days off of my job to give her days off from time to time. I have literally tried everything to make this an easier transition so we can get into a routin but nothing works. I mean for right now this is life. And i never forced this on her in anyway. She always wanted to work from home and hated her job. She didnt hesitantly agree she jumped and said this would be great. My gma was with us for a week and had to be hosp briefly and she cried and cried and said she missed gma soooo much and cant wait for her to come home. And now these. I never once said i am innocent in every aspect of this. But everytime she lays her problems issues and concerns on the table....yelling screaming and kicking i attempt to help. I listen i care i take it in I TRY....thats all i ask of her is to try. Not be perfect not to always be happy and jolly but just try. I have even told her if she doesnt want to do this anymore she doesnt have to. Nope thats not good either.

God this feels good to get out

It may be a matter of which relationship is more important or look for ways to find an alternative living situation for your grandmother. It is a lot to ask someone to have a person significantly older move into your shared living space. It is one thing to have a buddy move in who is young and self-sufficient to care for self and quite another to have a much older person move in with their age appropriate needs. We can't expect people to be any thing other than who and what they are or where they are on the aging time line. I think it is very kind of you to have invited your grandmother to live with you, but it may not be the best living arrangement for her or for you and your wife. Can the three of you sit down and discuss the situation?

Hey Ibrown...im glad things are good for you and your husband. Have you tried the agency for aging. They have certain grants and programs for the senior and for the cargiver that you all may qualify for. Its worth a shot.

Wow. Well, at first you said the person who is never there for you was your "significant other." Later you said she was your wife, and spoke of your "marriage."
If you are not officially married, no wonder she's HAD it with taking care of your grandma. I mean, I don't buy the common law stuff or living with a person and saying they are your wife but technically aren't. If she, in fact, is your legal wife, I can still see why she's acting like this toward you. She apparently has had it with being the primary care-giver for your grandma. It doesn't matter what the supposed agreement was in the beginning. Things change over time, people get warn down. There is ALWAYS a reason for negative behavior. If she won't talk to you about how she truly feels, it's probably because she feels you will make her stick to The Agreement. Everyone, especially our spouses, are entitled to want a change in their circumstances, - PARTICULARLY when those circumstances are extremely challenging. Who knows? Maybe while you're out of the house at work in the day, your grandma treats your sig. other badly, getting very difficult and nasty with her. Then, when you come home, she's a different person, "playing" nice to get your sympathy for her while becoming increasingly fed up with your sig other. I think if want to save your relationship with her (not your Grandma, btw) you need to man up and tell her you want to do whatever it takes. You will go to "marriage" counseling, whatever, and you WILL take your share of the blame. Don't think about how she hasn't done this or that, like washing your pillow cases. She's sending you a message that she feels like a second class citizen, probably compared to your grandma. Humble yourself and realize it was probably a big mistake having your grandma come to live with you. At least humble yourself to realize that your sig other's behavior is signaling she wants a change. The fact that she has to go to such extremes shows to me that she feels you aren't open to her suggestions. Otherwise, she'd just tell them to you, instead of acting "witchy." Yes, woman can and often act this way, but generally only as a last resort, when they feel their voice won't be heard.

One more thing after re-reading your paragrah. There are people who are over functioners. It is like being addicted to a substance. Some how along the years of growing up a person gets labeled the "helper" or the "peacemaker". This person tends to get dumped on. I think you need to see a counselor and talk about your situation and start working on learning to think more about yourself and how to say "NO". Helping everyone, every time can become an addiction and it can destroy you just like drugs and alcohol.

goddessrp, you arrange breaks for your wife, you've altered her hours, she's on duty from 8 - 5 only and the work is nothing she hadn't done before, yes? So when she's not at work she…. what, goes home? Gets away from it all and enjoys a cosy evening with her husband?

She's living in the shop. She can't hack it (neither could I). No amount of sacrifice and effort on your part is going to compensate for that.