We have been taking care of his grandmother for the last 2 years. She has dementia and is also an amputee. We get no help and we both work full time jobs. We actually moved in to her home to help her but we have just had our fill and think it is another family members turn. She has 3 children that live in the same town as her and another who lives 3 hours away, we get absolutely no help, we can't go out on dates or go away for a weekend without having to bring her or only going away for a few hours. Our name is not on anything and we do not get paid, would we be held liable if we told other family members we were moving back to our home and someone else had to take care of her?
Ditto to suggestions for family round table meeting below. I did this with 4 other siblings. My husband and I had an actual agenda to follow (which you could print out for the others). We made sure the main point was to provide the best care for your Gma that does not include you living there as now that is no longer a possibility (and you don't "owe" them an explanation why but you could give a brief summary of the reasons if you think they won't attack you for it).
Come to the table with some solutions/suggestions and give reasons why those might work. Then as others have stated let everyone have a calm, rational time for each to process and react. Redirect the conversation the minute it gets out of control (maybe come up with a time limit on the meeting -- make up whatever reason you need to give). Maybe warn them (politely) that any unproductive tangents will be ignored.
People get really worked up over money (understandably...this was the big concern in our family mtg). If you come with some realistic numbers (like what is the cost of in-home care that is NOT you, can Gma go onto Medicaid and into AL, etc.) Answer their fears before they take hold of the discussion.
Keep reiterating (politely and calmly) that it is not possible for you and hubby to do the caregiving any more, free or not.
Don't leave the meeting without total consensus for "next steps" (who will be doing what, when will they do it, how will they do it, how will they communicate it to others, etc). Any uncooperative people will be cut out of the plans moving forward. No one should derail your plans to exit. Make sure everyone knows your exit date.
It would be helpful to know if your Gma has any financial means? Does she have savings other than SSI? Does she own a house? Have any debt? The PoA needs to be transparent with this information if s/he wants a productive solution.
Alt ideas: get paid to do it, period. (find out how much the avg paid caregiver makes) and get it in writing. Arrange for specific time/days off. Stop doing anything if they don't keep their end of the bargain. Or, have your Gma give you Durable PoA (which she can do if she's of sound mind -- she doesn't need anyone else's permission to do this) and you continue to live with her and this way to call all the shots and no, you still won't be responsible financially as long as you don't co-sign any credit cards, loans, etc. But don't seek durable PoA unless you get family agreement. Communicate clearly and to everyone, be transparent. Wishing you success and family harmony!
Time for a family meeting (plan on it getting hot and some angry word spoken). In fact, it wouldn't hurt to get a disinterested 3rd party to step in and correlate the discussion--but I don't know how you'd facilitate that!
Minimally, make a detailed LIST of the things you want to discuss. Make it a roundtable discussion. Let each person talk for 5 minutes. Then move on.
Maybe, and that's a HUGE maybe, you can work things out with a minimum of fuss. But plan on it getting ugly. I don't know your family's dynamics.
You are NOT financially, emotionally or physically responsible to continue to care for Gma.
I wish you all the luck in the world. My 2 attempts at this (simply getting paid help for mother twice a week) resulted in our family fracturing into 6 separate segments. I have not spoken to the brother who has mother 'captive' for over 2 years.