Its not that she isn’t sweet or I don’t have empathy for her. But I need space and downtime from this situation. It’s draining even when I don’t see her. His family is dramatic. Right now we have her ever Saturday. His grandmother passed this week so now it has to be the entire weekend.
His sibling is out of state and has found a way to steal from her mother. His father is estranged. His uncle will not help.
i understand he wants to save money and doesn’t want her to rot. But it’s not fair to me. I wouldn’t expect him to do the same. I’m 30. He’s 40. I’m still young! I want to enjoy my 2 year old and my life I don’t want to shoulder this burden. I was never even asked just told.
I understand life won’t always be fair. But I want my weeekend to be easy and with my son he’s the only one I have. I’m sorry but I don’t want the third wheel every weekend. He says I don’t always have to be there but I shouldn’t have to leave my house. I want two weekends free of her a month. She can have companion care those days.
My bf agrees but won’t pull the trigger.
Right now I see her every Saturday but this will be every weekend day starting this weekend.
I can't handle it. Her disease forces me to be a prisoner as it is. If this happens and he won’t compromise I want to leave. There has to be a compromise. This isn’t a fairy tale. This is really life. My therapist says I shouldn’t have to do this.
Help! Suggestions -tough love?
I’m sick over this.
Here are my thoughts - So from now on it will be every Saturday and Sunday? How old is MIL? What will happen as she worsens? Will you H think that the only way to "save money" is to have her move into your home so she won't "rot"? Who has HCPOA and POA?
So your H agrees with you that she shouldn't be over as much, yet has just said she must be there every Saturday and Sunday? He needs to walk the talk.
Some decisions need to be made now, not just about how many weekend days/month she comes to your house, but also regarding what will be the plan as her needs increase. (What is happening now during the week? Who is taking care of her?)
One thing in particular concerns me...your H's sibling is stealing money from their mother? When/if the time comes for facility placement for MIL, that money will be considered a "gift" by Medicaid and will jeopardize Medicaid NH payment. What are MIL's finances. Can she fund facility care with her own funds/assets?
Give us some more information. The posters here are wonderful.
My therpiast gave mw the idea of conpromise bc i was abojr I was about to snap. He is working on how to communicate it
To your first point- exactly. He is the POA. She is 74. She has been like this since she was 67. It’s orogressed over the last three years. It will get worse. He doesn’t have a plan. I have tried to give him one but he never makes a move. We are not Marie’s. But yeah exactly. WTH.
To your second point he knows it will be a burden but says he has no choice. And I am expecting to much he can’t help his mother is sick. I said it would be a lot. And we need companion care and he said just bc I present the idea won’t mean he takes it. He doesn’t have a problem with her bc it’s his mother. He feels comfortable. For me it’s different. I need space. And for me that means alone time with my family where I don’t feel the need to entertain.
The sister is a piece. I asked him to do several things to remedy this. She will find anyway to get what she wants. So far she has had the weekday and week night nurse send her money. He won’t fire them. His sister husband drove up and cohearaes his month to sign a check for 6k. It’s out of control
it will be time a facility within a year. If not already. They are managing now bc there is a weekday and night nurse. Saturdays she is with us soon to be Sundays. She used to go with her mother on Sundays.
I agree bc I aside from being mentally stressed by this. His mother needs a plan. He doesn’t have one. I have given him many options. He doesn’t make a move on anything.
i feel like by letting it go and waiting for change I’m hurting myself. Sorry to sound selfish. But also his mother. And I really don’t think I should be with him his he can do the right thing for his mom. Which would be
1. Companion care every other weeks
2. A faculty lined up in the next yesr
3. Fire the nurse
4. Cut of the sister by putting her 1.4. Million in care of an attorney that signs of on spending
You need to be lovingly clear that his expectation for you to meet this at the level he does is not fair but you’re willing to compromise. State what the compromise is and when you expect it to take place. Also be clear that the expectation has a lot to do with your level of respect and admiration. People fail to realize it’s not lack of love that kills a couple, it’s lack of respect and being able to admire the person you’re with. Once those are gone, the love soon follows.
I do need to communicate this delicately. Our relationship has not been enjoyable since his mother became sick. Which is the exact same time I became pregnant.
We shoulder the burden for years. He has issues doing anything that would help him and benefit his mom. It’s either he is addicted to the misery, doesn’t value the relationship, lazy, can’t handle confrontation and feels guilt and thinks he has to do it all.
albeit hard for him. Our relationship won’t survive is we don’t get a break and it won’t survive because I can’t contibue to live under this pressure.
Tha k yoh for you advice
Respectfully and kindly put your foot down. Your child will be grown and gone before you know it. You could go out for the day with him, but you’re right, you shouldn’t have to leave your home. Tell your partner you will help find a companion for her and then get on Facebook to advertise for one. And the wages don’t come out of your pay, either. When my in-laws became elderly and FIL went to a facility, we hosted them for dinner once a month. His sibs did the other weeks. It worked for us.
My therpiast gave mw the idea of conpromise bc i was abojr I was about to snap. He is working on how to communicate it
To your first point- exactly. He is the POA. She is 74. She has been like this since she was 67. It’s orogressed over the last three years. It will get worse. He doesn’t have a plan. I have tried to give him one but he never makes a move. We are not Marie’s. But yeah exactly. WTH.
To your second point he knows it will be a burden but says he has no choice. And I am expecting to much he can’t help his mother is sick. I said it would be a lot. And we need companion care and he said just bc I present the idea won’t mean he takes it. He doesn’t have a problem with her bc it’s his mother. He feels comfortable. For me it’s different. I need space. And for me that means alone time with my family where I don’t feel the need to entertain.
The sister is a piece. I asked him to do several things to remedy this. She will find anyway to get what she wants. So far she has had the weekday and week night nurse send her money. He won’t fire them. His sister husband drove up and cohearaes his month to sign a check for 6k. It’s out of control
it will be time a facility within a year. If not already. They are managing now bc there is a weekday and night nurse. Saturdays she is with us soon to be Sundays. She used to go with her mother on Sundays.
I agree bc I aside from being mentally stressed by this. His mother needs a plan. He doesn’t have one. I have given him many options. He doesn’t make a move on anything.
i feel like by letting it go and waiting for change I’m hurting myself. Sorry to sound selfish. But also his mother. And I really don’t think I should be with him his he can do the right thing for his mom. Which would be
1. Companion care every other weeks
2. A faculty lined up in the next yesr
3. Fire the nurse
4. Cut of the sister by putting her 1.4. Million in care of an attorney that signs of on spending
How is MIL's health other than the Alzheimer's? Is there longevity in her family? If she's only 74, she could go on for years.
Does your H realize what facility care costs? I'm wondering if when he finds out how much it is, that he will balk at spending (MIL's) money in order to preserve the estate of $1.4M. What will happen then? Do you think he will want to move MIL in with you? (I think that could be his plan, in order to preserve the estate as much as possible.)
Who is the executor of the will? Since H has POA, I'm assuming he is also executor? Who are the beneficiaries? If the estate is to be split 50-50 with his sister, I would want a way to subtract from her part what she's already gotten (but that is just me).
Why isn't your H in charge of the $1.4M? If your mother is still writing checks, is SHE still in charge of it? That shouldn't be happening!
You have rights too, set your boundaries, tell him what they are and say what you mean and mean what you say. If he wants to spend the weekend with her, let him, just not at your house. And, he pays for whatever they do, not you.
If you don't put your foot down now, it will continue to get worse...not my rules, just how it works.
I didn't catch that...thank you! This puts a very different spin on everything. There is no marriage to work to keep. His attitude towards BF's mother is a very dark cloud on the future of this relationship.
If you don't want to care for her don't. He said you don't have to be there. So, just go about your weekend and let husband take care of his Mom. And I mean do everything. Like toileting too. You do what you want to help but tell DH that your child is priority.
Firstly you say that you were "not asked; you were told". To me this means that you have no choice, and you do not have a voice, which is worse. It doesn't say a whole lot for the chances of the relationship that you are trying to save.
You say she is already there for one day of the week. OK. I could "see" that. I guess I could DO that if I were asked, and not told. But ALL your free time? Nope.
Now, if you truly want to save the relationship, I am sorry, but you are going to have to do a bit of experimenting. You are going to have to leave your home one day a week. That may even mean you are going to have to pay for a motel on that one day of a week. Early up and late home. You don't see her come, you don't see her go and she is all his. All the cooking, all the everything.
I am only assuming, and I think already have fallen into the sexist statements hole here a few times, but it is often the WOMEN who end doing the care. Is it your BF who does the care all day Saturday, or you, or do you both do it.
I think he may soon enough give this up. Meanwhile you and your two year old get out there and see your world. You go and do and be with one another exclusively.
I am sorry. It's all I can think of. I am 77, and I have learned finally about relationships having been in a FEW and married several times. I have learned what you know is the end in the beginning. A man who tells you how it will be --that is the beginning of the end.
I must say I understand his pressures as well. Clearly whoever is taking care of Mom in home now is up against it and feeling the pressure. That is to be recognized. But it is not going to be better. You are a new person coming into this and you may be getting to be seen as "A Place For Mom" quite literally.
Good luck. I hope you will update. Meanwhile start putting aside money for that motel room, and for your time with your child. Do this kindly, do this gently. Just explain, you already have not enough time with your little one. And you will not give it up, so you will insure that you have one day that solely a day belonging to your son, while his Mom has a day solely belonging to her. Will it be exhausting? Yes it will. But but it is the only thing I can think will make an impact.
The other option is building a tiny house in the back yard. Haul in a shed and build it yourself one day a week. Make it yours and your sons, with you books, your TV, your sewing machine, your crayons and paint sets. And spend a day in it once a week.
PS Just read some responses below. So I think I understand that this child is his son as well. He doesn't think the child deserves some purely family time? And he is telling you what will be, not asking you. This is not good and doesn't forbode well for the future. Also, the MIL clearly needs to be in care. At 74 she may have a good two decades ahead of her. Your son will be 22 then. And I doubt you three would be together. I even get it together what is going on with money and sister. Just is too much for me. But if there is --I think I saw 1.7 million, and there are concerns, then that money needs clearly to be preserved for Mom's care, not wasted on one on one care, and there is perhaps a need for a court appointed guardian to manage all of this. Sorry, but sounds quite an awful mess with lots of cooks in the stew.
You state that your boyfriend won't do anything for his moms situation because he is lazy (do you really want a lazy male role model for your son?)
He can't handle confrontation, really, not even to protect his own son and his mom.
You say he doesn't want to spend any money(her money) on her care to preserve the estate, so he can get a bigger inheritance. Who destroys people for money? Is any amount really worth the turmoil that you are living?
If you were my daughter I would counsel you to run, don't walk, run for your life. He will always be a disappointment because right now he is showing you his character and it is not pretty. Money grubbing, lazy, scared to defend his family, 3 strikes.
That money is for his moms care, it is hers and no one is entitled to a penny until she dies and then it is a gift, not an entitlement. We all work and save for a rainy day, well, its pouring on this woman right now and her greedy family would rather up end her life every week than do what is best for her.
One word of advice, it never works to tell your man what he needs to do. They need to figure it out, you can research and back him up, but as soon as you say, you need to...they go into rebel mode and you lose. Ask lots of questions that make him look at the situation, reaffirm his good ideas, say nothing about the bad ideas and lovingly guide him to a solution. Whether you two make it or not, you will want to remember this with whomever you are involved with, after all it is his family and he has his demons in that area.
I would also stop entertaining his mom, when she comes over, do your thing and let him deal with her 100%. You never know, it might be okay with her there as long as you don't have to worry about her. By the way, he is not aware how much work is involved if you are doing most of it. I would insist that he not be leaving any messes for you in his endeavor to care for his mom. Let him do what he wants and do it alone, he will soon see that she needs professional help. Don't waiver, let him do it, that was the solution he gave you, use it.
Best of luck, this is a tough situation for the strongest relationships. Remember that this is really about your son having a safe, loving home environment and work towards that goal.
Can you share what her care requirements are or is this just about no private weekends? No judgment. Alzheimer's disease can be quiet and not require any hands on care or it can be a grueling, never a moment to breathe endeavor. What is she like?
Every, and I mean every, couple I know who lived together but never married are no longer together. And it makes sense, because they had one foot out the door the entire time. It's easy to walk away from someone; it's harder to get divorced.
I'm also seeing a trend on here where it's younger women with older men, and the man is... well, older. As in the woman still has a lot she wants to do, but the man would rather stay home or is not able to do much, and how unhappy it makes her. It's like none of these women saw this problem coming when they were swept off their feet by the older man. Ten years isn't a huge gap, but 30 feels different than 40.
So! I say all that to say this... given what you've told us here, this is not going to end well for you. Don't have another kid with him! He has shown you already that he is not willing to put his own family first. He has not and does not want to commit to you. Not saying he's a terrible person; I don't know him. He's just not the partner/parent you are hoping he will be. His mom isn't the problem, so much as a spotlight on the REAL problem.
It could be better to bring it to a crisis ASAP. Then it’s a clear choice for him to make – his mother or you. You seem to get on well with MIL, so let her know that the chips are down and that she is part of the choice. You already have some options to put forward – one weekend in two, or BF to go to spend the weekend with her rather than her moving in with you. There may be other options you could live with. But if BF insists on choosing MIL not you, the sooner you go and make a decent life for yourself, the better. Looking forward, the next step could easily be that BF decides that MIL will move in permanently with you. If you try to leave now with as little bitterness as possible, BF may even change his mind when he has some experience of coping on his own.