This question relates to the recent post, 'feel like it's Groundhog Day'. Sometimes everyday does feel identical to the one before it. The same endless questions; the same belongings "lost" and must be located. In between the same-old, same-old, I look around at the clutter my parents have collected, and won't part with because "It might be useful someday". I think I understand that mindset, and indeed share it in some respects. However, as a merged household -- and the home I will inherit -- I often feel resentful that there's almost no space for my husband's and my things, due to all the unused, "can't part with that" stuff of my parent's. I guess I am the household manager now, but haven't felt comfortable sorting out, disposing of or donating their excess possessions. It's still their home, and their savings/ pensions pay the bills. So, I was surprised by forum members strongly recommending that live-in family caregivers begin sorting through and clearing away the care recipient's belongings. Not only has the idea made me uncomfortable, but I felt I didn't have the right.
If I were to start doing so, I know I would start feeling more in control, maybe even be more motivated to get out of bed to start the next Groundhog Day. What I'd like to know is, should I be rethinking my rights in this situation? Should I start making the decisions about what stays in the house and what goes, because it's of no use to them or to me any longer?
In our case, once my mother had passed away I was able to take the boxes of (mostly unworn) shoes and bags of clothes straight to goodwill. I also took comfort from knowing that in the highly unlikely event that she had missed a particular blouse or business suit I could, in the last resort, have sorted through the bags and retrieved the wretched thing (it never happened).
At one end of the ethics scale this is not your house, the items are not your property, and strictly speaking you shouldn't even move anything without at least tacit permission.
Inching away from that: your parents invited you to live with them as your caregivers. You and they have an implied agreement that you and your husband therefore have certain space allotted to you, plus free use of communal areas; and it is not only all right but incumbent on you to help keep these areas in practical working order.
From there, you use mission creep, but softly. I completely agree with you that you have no more right to decide that their possessions are useless junk than they have to do the same for you.
When you have qualms, which you will, visualise the space you're tackling "Before" and "After" and remember that your parents too will benefit from having a more attractive, less congested, easier-to-clean home. I dare say they're as fond of the house beautiful concept as the next person, and having somebody else accomplish it for them will be a good result.
One note of warning, though. As a keen watcher of programmes like "Life Laundry" I also spurred myself on by thinking how nice it would be for mother to enjoy her genuine treasures: her photo albums, favourite books, cleaned and sparkling ornaments, ha ha ha. Didn't happen. Actively looking at, using, appreciating these things is not the point, apparently; it's all about knowing they're there. Think Smaug, the dragon in the Hobbit, sleeping for centuries on his hoard and going ballistic when one tiny cup is sneaked away from it. As long as you can reassure your dragons that the hoard has been contained and stored but not otherwise molested, I hope you'll find a way forward.
i realize this has to be difficult. My husband and I had a modular home moved behind my mom’s trailer which allowed her to stay in her home until her death. At times I felt like I was totally losing it. All the care was put on me. I was also helping my blind brother at the same time and working full time. I used up all my leave from work and was very overwhelmed. Finally I asked my sister to please help with my brother because I just couldn’t do it all.
But I didn’t actually live in the trailer with her and it was only my mom.
The stress must feel overwhelming to you. Is there anyone that can give you any breaks? I hope so.
A lot of responses had good suggestions that may be helpful for you.
I wish you strength and the very best in this journey with your parents.
I have a super sensitive kid who gets the same attachment disorder to clothes. The first item I see with a hole when I do his laundry disappears - not into our garbage but it goes under my seat in the car. The next store I find gets that item. Then I can legitimately say "I have no idea where that is." I slowly get rid of items that way.
I'm working on picking up small parts of toys and throwing them out. The kids are a lot more careful about leaving legos, electronic pieces, and odd things out since I started and I only threw out maybe 5 pieces. BUT I *told* the kids about them the day after the garbage bag was taken out.
(1) safety snd health issues, and
(2) quality of life issues.
If accumulated stuff is blocking fire exits or attracting vermin, something needs to go.
Quality of life is a judgement call that you have to explore with them. You've already expressed your own dissatisfaction with the way things are, so you probably need to make some changes, either in your surroundings or your attitude about it. I'm not being judgemental about which you should change, just making observations.
I struggle myself with clutter and disposal of things that "someone might use someday." Much of my stuff is not good enough to donate to a charity. One solution that worked for me was to put much of it out by the road with a money jar and a sign that said, "Take whatever you can use and put whatever it's worth to you in the jar." This lets me feel that perhaps someone that did need it IS using the stuff instead of it going to the dump or wasting away in my house. We gave the $ to our church, so win-win. After a week or so, the remainder was obviously not worth anything, so I changed the sign to "FREE." The rest went in the dumpster--well, except for a couple things my husband put back in the barn (sigh), presumably for next time.
If your parents would accept that someone else might really use and even cherish the stuff, that might help them let go, as it helps me. You might even get grandkids, etc., to ask them for specific items that they "want" or could use "to set up housekeeping." This is, after all, why we've kept the stuff all this time--because it might be useful to someone.
Bless you for moving in with your parents--I couldn't have done it. Hope you have new energy and new optimism for the new year.
Thank all of you.
I guess I have no sentimentality. Stuff is just that: stuff! The memories are in your head and heart, not in an old lamp that sat on Grandma's end table.
We recently took 15 pair of pants to the alterations lady (some of which had been in her closet for years and had the price tag still attached!) to have them hemmed and taken in to fit her now. I was able to talk her into getting rid of a few pair of pants, but even if the item was torn or stained, her comment was "Keep that. I can wear that around the house". Huh?! I could not convince her that NOBODY needs 50 pairs of pants! After Dad passed away, she soon filled up his closet with her clothing purchases. If she lives long enough to wear all the clothes she now has, she will be 180 years old!! I plan to take the blouses with plunging necklines or cut-out backs and donate them. She will never miss them. And, if by some miracle she does recognize that the items are gone, I will buy her new ones to replace them.
So I suggest you start now to unload, a little at a time. My mother had a good idea. She took Dad's old clothes up to a wardrobe in the attic. When he asked, she said she was storing them upstairs. Gradually she got rid of them and he never caught on. I told my husband we would keep boxes from the garage if he told us what was in them. He has forgotten, so they go. We have moved into a smaller house that had belonged to his mother. He will be set up in the cottage and I will, with the help of caregivers, run the house. He will keep everything of his in cottage. He actually likes that plan. He likes being free of the terrible mess. Maybe you could find a place in the house to "store" things for awhile. Start slowly and explain that you're cleaning and need the space. They will know their things are still there. Then gradually you can get rid of them, donate them. My husband does like to help out homeless people so that's where his older clothes go. Churches hold white elephant sales to raise money and would probably love to have your odds and ends. We old folks have accumulated way too much "stuff". It's remarkably better and easier to live in a simpler, uncluttered environment. I can think more clearly, find things and have time for fun instead of cleaning out closets!
If I could I'd offer you my sister, whose lack of sentimental attachments to any objects and willingness to apply the law of "fait accompli" made her rip like a tornado through two rooms in my mother's house. The only difficulties were that her boundaries made her leave before the work was done, and that I then had to deal with the fallout. Besides, she doesn't travel and we're no longer in touch...
However. May I suggest that you let boxes and storage bags be your friends?
Clothes: laundered and neatly folded, no matter how tattered they may be, can they be sorted into "seasonal" bags and stored away. Do you have an attic, loft, basement or garage? The thing is to get them out of sight and out of mind. Warning! - Do not pick up individual items - pyjamas in your case, in mine it was a sweatshirt with its cuffs falling off and worn through to holes in the elbow but with its Cats' Protection League logo still barely visible - and mock them. You will trigger adamant resistance to any further culling.
Cookware: highly specialised items such as Rumtopfs, ice cream makers, casseroles of 20 person capacity, fish kettles; complete and completely unused Pyrex sets which were doubtless a bargain at the time; rotisseries; fondue sets; these can be boxed up and put onto "infrequent demand" shelves.
Stationery: you may have the other half of the world's entire supply of paper clips, treasury tags (who the heck uses - ?!), suspension files, elastic bands and hole punchers. Also in this section, your father's contribution of fuse wire, leather reinforcement patches, dodgy half bottles of methylated spirit, and an infinite array of unidentified screws, tacks, washers, bolts and mysterious implements. The trick is to centralise and compartmentalise. You may find your local DIY or hardware store sells cabinets for the purpose.
But perhaps the first thing to do is to claim your own space and turn it into a shining example of feng shui. Has your personal apple fallen far from your parents' tree, if I may put it like that..?
In my question, I stated that I have a hard time decluttering my own possessions. Also that I've lived with the collective clutter for 2+ years. I used examples like massively ripped pajamas and bathrobes and broken appliances. But I never asked the forum WHAT to store or get rid of. I said I understand my parents holding onto stuff, because I do it too, and because of their upbringing during the Great Depression years. And I also said I was asking my question because I'd been taken aback by another post about clearing out a family home and was shocked that any family caregiver could sound so callous about "getting rid of" their parent's belongings.
I see my question as an ethical one: Do I start now while they're still in their own home, or wait until I receive the house as part of my inheritance, even though I'm both suffocating and drowning in stuff.
I like this forum and find it very useful most of the time. But I have to wonder whether other questioners get frustrated with the responses they get, or is it just me who feels like people really don't read or remember what was asked before they start typing.
Wow. I am Gob-struck by the thought of someone moving in to take over control. I understand that apparently you will get the house, but shoving your parents to the side seems crass, especially if their money is paying the way. Sorry. That is why people often get ready to downsize and enjoy the fruits of their labor...leaving whatever is left to loved ones. I don't believe children are entitled anything beyond what is left.
After my dad died in 1997, I tried for years to get my mom to pare down and get rid of a few things. She got rid of some of his things because they were a painful reminder of his passing. After those things were gone, we'd sort though years of old magazines, clipped recipes, and outdated clothing, and even put a few things in a box to donate. But, I'd leave and come back to find the box empty and the things back in their place. I'm prefer a minimalist or very simply style, and the "visual clutter" in her house frustrated me. For over 21 years I tried to get her to pare down because I found the "visual clutter" frustrating.
Then, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. With no treatment options available, she wanted to die at home, around the things she loved. (That included a cigar box covered in macaroni and spray-painted gold that I made in first grade. I'm 64 years old now.)
Less than two weeks ago, she died at home at the age of 92, surrounded by the many things she loved. I'm glad - no, I'm proud - that I didn't force her to get rid of her things. They gave her so much comfort during her last weeks as she related stories about many of them, remembering the person, place, and circumstances in which she received or purchase the items.
So, please don't be in a hurry. You probably have years left of your life. Your parents are old and find comfort in the things they have. You can clear it out after they're gone. If you don't care anything about their "stuff," you can have estate sale personnel or a charitable organization come in after they're gone and clean it out. In the meanwhile, have some respect and compassion! Honor and love your parents instead of considering them a burden! At some point, I think you'll be glad you did.
More often, when the "junk" becomes of more value than relationships, then what is the POINT of keeping the junk? BECAUSE my mother chooses to hoard--she also chooses to have zero relationships with any of her grand or great grand kids. There is simply no room for anyone to come and visit her.
While "keeping everything" worked for you--in most situations, it's a nightmare of gargantuan proportions.
Mother has chosen garbage, literal garbage over people.
My "friend" is losing her home b/c she cannot afford to store her "garbage".
Where is the "loveliness" in that? I'm not trying to pick a fight--I think that you're amazing b/c you took the road that gave mom the life she wanted with all her stuff in it. Sounds like she had her "people" too.
Most hoarders are not that fortunate.
Being that you have 2 household goods merged, why should it be Mom/Dad's stuff that is removed first? How much stuff do you have that you haven't used, but maybe will come in handy someday?
My small suggestion, again just suggestion, why not start with your stuff while Mom watches. Talk with her and every time you come across something you haven't used in say, a year. Look at it, talk about the fact that you thought "this" would come in so handy, but you haven't used it since____. That perhaps it will come in handy for someone else in need and that you're donating to habitat for humanity, goodwill etc. Place in a box labeled whatever charity. After you've gone threw a box or 2, "suggest" to Mom that perhaps the 2 of you could do the same with their stuff. Start small and the more both of you see that neither really needed these "things" the clutter disappears and you both will get Tax deductions at the same time. We do this in our own home every December.
I would do this with Mom during my visits back home. I didn't have any of my things to give, but Mom would tell me every visit "you're not here to clean my house". Ok Mom, then I'd wait a few days and start with her magazines and eventually I had her house cleaned. Refrigerator, floors, entire house. That was the #1 reason to visit because I knew my siblings wouldn't do it. Now that Mom/step-father are in assisted living and I'm guardianship/conservator, I visit, check the property and have begun to clean out things like 3 decades of cards she hoarded. It takes me about 1.5 days and 10 gal trash bags each trip home just cleaning out junk. I can't do anything YET with furniture etc, but I'm ready. I can't do anything about the household items because merger of 2 households and other legal issues. As soon as I get done with the "junk", I'll have the house cleaned for appearances which will make easier when I can deal with that part of my duties for Mom.
One day at a time (trip for me).
Please, remember until that sad day comes, the house is not yours to with what you want.
I went through the same thing with my parents. Although Mom went through some before she passed, there were a lot left. The reason why they don't throw anything away is - they lived through the depression era. When they had nothing! Nothing! And what they do have tied to these things - clutter, whatever you want to call it - is the memories. I have heard "I may need that some day, you never know" many times. It was very difficult going through Mom's dressers and closets. Many, many tears just looking at the items she kept and the things I found - and now I keep. It is all about the memories, to look at some old object and remember the happier times when their families were all together. I now understand this, although it took a while.
I made piles of various items and donated them. Adult day cares, assisted living facilities may accept any games or puzzles, books, etc, for their residents. There was boxes of extra holiday items that l donated to a place that sends them to the troops and they were so happy to receive them.
I hope this helps.
My Grandma (Mom's Mom) gave me so many family memories because she knew I would protect them. As years pass and our adult daughter looks deeper into what these memories are, she asks if she can have them. She has taken some newer memories from our 46 yrs of marriage! Her favorites are my Corningware Cornflower cookware. I bought a few pieces for her Christmas from the 60 yr anniversary of Corning. OMG! Husband is like, why are you giving her this stuff. She appreciates it and uses these memories.
My last trip to Mom's house to get junk out....found our original pickup sticks from 50's. She was at our house for Christmas and I showed her things I had brought back. She asked if those pickup sticks were still around....SURPRISE, I had them to give her. Memories of playing this game with my Mom/Dad at their cabin when she was like 4 or 5.
I have handed down to 2 nephews I trust to watch over a few memories too. Nothing yet to other nieces/nephew because they haven't earned my trust yet to protect the memories of the family.
The cost to store those pods in her DRIVEWAY??? $670 a month.
Now, I was at her home almost every single day for 3 months. She would not throw away a SINGLE THING OF HER SON's--yet he never showed up to help, nor cared one whit about the whole thing. She would hem and haw over EVERYTHING--and I mean EVERYTHING. I pushed her to the limit as to what HAD to go--we had 3 yard sales, a 'huge dumpster' day to simply throw away yard waste and the men in the neighborhood cleaned out the shed--who needs 9 chainsaws? 11 lawnmowers? The KIDS were happy to be throwing out old broken toys and g-ma is telling them "I'm not buying you a new..." Kids were better at deciding what was junk than she was.
In then end--the weekend she was supposed to list her home and move--she balked, big time b/c son called her and said "don't move! I WILL help financially!" (she's had the kids 2 years and he has paid nothing in support)
(I am out of town during this or I would have lost my mind).
I come home, go to check on her that the initial move went well---and there sits those pods and she sheepishly tells me she's not moving after all.
I just LOST IT on her. So many hours wasted--so much MONEY wasted---
She moved everything back in the house. I have no idea how, I was not involved. She took me for a fool and I won't "help" another hoarder again in my life!
Hoarding is a serious illness--One that without therapy and help and a sincere desire to be "well" just won't happen. Tried to help my mom and got the rough edge of her tongue. Over a green rubber frog.
If you have to cohabit with a hoarder, then you have my utmost sympathy. I can't even go into mother's apartment, it's so filthy and messy--yet to her view, it's "cozy".
Sadly, so many people over-cozy their homes and then what really matters most (PEOPLE!) are not even able to come in and sit down.
And most hoarders are NOT in the end, happy for the help.
Do I sound bitter? Absolutely so.
But it has made my decide for 2019 I am cutting down by HALF the stuff we have.
I grew up in a huge home which I realize now were hoarded out pretty bad.
Oh, and the friend I "helped" won't speak to me--and her son has not made good on his financial support so she is now in the beginnings of foreclosure. She is literally going to lose her home because of garbage.
All the respect in the world couldn’t get my mother to agree that 11 boxes of Band-Aids was 10 too many. Or to donate her clothing from 10-15 years ago that was 4 sizes too big for her. Or to concede that she had no use for stacks and stacks of catalogs and magazines from the past 20 years.
Multiply that by every square inch of the house. Fine for Mom. Her stuff was SO important to her - in a way she could not articulate, other than blowing up at anyone who dared to mention it.
Not fine for anyone whose brain functioned properly. For anyone who had a modicum of safety knowledge.
In the end (and I mean END), extended family & I filtered out the (few) valuables and sentimental keepers. It was total chaos. We then shuttled countless carloads of donations to the thrift store. The rest went into a huge rented dumpster - that was emptied and replaced 3x.
On a kamikaze schedule, of course. Luckily(?), I had scheduled that week off work months earlier (with entirely different plans, naturally). Cuz 3 stinkin’ bereavement days from my employer weren’t gonna cut it.
My only comfort was learning how common this syndrome is. And it wasn’t very comforting!
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