How is it that Mom fools everyone but family?
I know there's a vast range of how dementia patients present in their varying stages, but how can it be that Mom fools virtually everyone other than family members? Upon her initial diagnosis, she missed almost all of the mini mental exam, and yet she can carry on a remarkably fluid conversation, only stumbling a bit here and there. I think she relies on a repetitious script for the most common topics. I listen to her all the time and everything she says is regurgitated over and over. Emotionally she's a bit more stable now that she's on full-dose Aricept and Namenda, but every once in awhile she goes off on a topic, something she's really upset about and you wish she would just shut up about it! You might have to hear about it for weeks and then she'll drop it for awhile and then pick it back up again days or weeks later. Memory-wise she cannot retain information much longer than 24 hours, often less, but the next day if you reference some one who visited her the day before, she'll make up some BS story. .She is unbelievably paranoid. She's convinced that all conversations she's not included in are about her. No one is as they seem. They are all conspiring against her. Someone is leaving the lights/TV/whatever on. Someone stole her hearing aids. Someone has been in her room (at MC) and rummaging through her stuff, even though the room looks completely undisturbed. She thinks I am stealing from her, taking advantage of her, etc,: doesn't confront me directly about my "crimes" but tells fantastic stories to everyone else she sees (and many believe them!!!!) She can still use her telephone but screws it up from time to time. (The cleaning ladies bumped one of the buttons. It's never Mom's fault. Mom is still remarkably neat and tidy and usually dresses appropriately, although I cannot say the same about her conduct. At 90 she still insists on getting her hair "done" and wears makeup every day. Sometimes she says the most outrageous things and lies like a rug. How can people who have known her for years not see this! Sorry for rant. Just blowing off steam.
Some of the typical dementia behavior can really drive the caregiver or closest relatives nuts! When my sisters would visit and my husband was showtiming they had a hard time understanding why I was having such a challenge coping with his dementia. They believed me, but it would have been more convincing if they saw him at this worst instead of his company behavior. Yes, this is very frustrating! Vent away!
It may help you to take a slightly different perspective. Mom is not "lying like a rug." That implies a deliberate intention to deceive. Mom no longer can distinguish between reality and fiction. She needs an explanation of why her magazine is missing. Someone must have stolen it. That is an attempt to make sense of her very confusing world. It is not a deliberate attempt to get someone in trouble. The link between actions and consequences is very blurred for her.
She has a repetitious script for common conservation topics? Good for her! She has discovered a way to continue to participate in social activities, in spite of the damage in her brain.
She has her hair done every week? My mom did, too, right up until she died of dementia at age 94. It was very pleasant for her to get compliments from staff and other residents. And it was a way she could continue feeling like herself. She could no longer walk. Her days of nurturing were behind her. She didn't cook. She couldn't even dress herself. But one thing she could continue to do that linked her to her own past was get her hair done. Her kids gladly chipped in so she could afford it.
Yes, having a loved one with dementia is very frustrating!
Who is it that "believes" her outrageous claims? The cleaning staff? Another resident? Other relatives? Do they really believe her or just go along with her for the sake of keeping her calm? Does any of this matter? I guess it would if a relative believed you were stealing from her, but surely a conversation with that relative, perhaps with some literature about how common these accusations are, could clear that up.
Vent away! You have lots and lots of company!
I'm a work in progress toooo!
( but then there were afraid that she would say that THEY stole it!)
Luckily my mom is not quite to this point yet - I know it drives caregivers crazy.
I does sound like your mom is a drama queen, like mine. (Nothing is ever HER fault, either.)
"Any attention is good attention." That's their motto.
Once you have a POA you can check on the outgoing checks - I have a friend whose father used up 80,000 in donations.............watch out for that too.
It is generally true that persons with dementia have an extremely hard time learning something new. If fact they often cannot to it at all. But that doesn't mean they've forgotten everything they knew in the past. I would certainly not try to teach a person with dementia how to play cribbage, with all its jargon and complicated score keeping. But my mother had played that game for 70+ years when she developed dementia and she could continue to play it very competently right up to the end.
Can people with dementia be manipulative? Well, manipulation is a complex skill and persons with dementia typically cannot learn new skills that complicated. But someone who has been manipulative all their lives and has those skills down pat may indeed be able to continue that behavior, much as my mother could continue playing cribbage.
As they say, If you've seen one case of dementia, you've seen one case of dementia.