My mom lives 9 hrs away. We are super close. None of her 6 kids live in town. She is at home with 24 hr care, but due to finances has to move to assisted living. I have been handling her medical appts and communicating with caregivers as I am a nurse and know I will have no control and more limited info on how she is doing in assisted living. I am just so sad as her only wish was to die at home. She is in pain and has no quality of life. Any suggestions on how to deal with my own sadness and guilt at not being able to help her stay home? She has excellent care at home and I know she will have to call for help to the bathroom, when she drops her remote, etc.
2. You can feel sympathy for Mom and even empathy for her. Express that.
3. Bring in Hospice. From what you say, it is time.
4. Dying at home is a weird concept when you think about it. Why do people feel strongly about it? Is it denial? Isn't it harder for the family? Does it really matter? Isn't it easier to provide palliative care where there is 24/7 medical support?
5. You are sad. You are starting a grief process. Get help and support with that.
6. Make the end of Mom's life about life. Make it as good and happy as you can.
7. Is there any reason you aren't her medical POA? That way the ALF will communicate with you directly, even though your brother manages finances. This isn't a big deal - we did it for almost 5 years. You sound like you might feel better about this process if you have a more active role in Mom's care.
8. Plan regular visits. Video chat daily if you can. Send little gifts, pictures, whatever might make Mom happy. It will make you happy too.
9. Sing with Mom. Sing to Mom. Sometimes that is easier than talking. If you can't sing, play music that Mom will like.
10. Do what you can to improve her QOL. When you do what you can, you will feel better about yourself and it is easier to let her go when the time comes.
It broke my siblings and my heart to move them but APS decided they weren’t safe overnight without a caregiver. I truly wish I could say things improved but they did not. My mother is now in her third facility and my father died from a fall in October.
My parents went from a horrible unlicensed residential care home to an even worse memory care facility where my father fell when a wheelchair was in his way that caused the fall which resulted in his death. We immediately moved my mother to another residential care home which so far has been OK. This all happened between May 2024 and October 2024!
Again, I empathize with your grief and hope things go better for your loved one.
My advice is watch everything very closely. In my opinion, no place will care for your loved one the way you would. But, we are limited as to what we are able to do.
Your feelings of loss and
anxiety are normal and to be expected. There is no good answer for this situation.
I’m sorry.
Surely as an RN you understand that any guilt here is entirely inappropriate. You didn't cause aging problems/issues and you can't cure them. Guilt requires causation and refusal for fix things. That isn't this.
Change out your G-words, because inappropriate words we repeat to ourselves are self-harming. That won't help anyone. Try on "GRIEF" which is the correct word now for both mom and for you. This is suffering in age, and the losses of aging that can't be prevented, and standing witness to the pain of a loved one is worth grieving. Allow yourself and mom the pain and tears; they can't be prevented.
Now, on to the adjustment. My brother said to me "Hon, it's kind of like being young and in the army. I don't much LIKE it, but I make the best of it". And he did. And mom will have to as well. You can't be responsible for her "happiness". And you KNOW that old age (at 82 I guarantee) isn't about happiness. It's a time of losses. And acceptance. And making the best of things for ourselves and our families.
I wish you the best. I hope things work out better than hoped for. They may and they may not. The general tendency is to complain. My bro said they sat about the Gazebo watching the ambulances and hearses come and go and discussed their various aches and pains. That's sort of what it is until movie night or bingo or a game, craft, tour of some sort, ice cream social.
Best of luck to you and to mom. We all are on a journey of our own to the same destination. Accept all the tough feelings, but don't imagine you have responsibility or control. You aren't god or even a Saint, and the job description for Sainthood isn't a good one, anyway. I so wish you the best of it. It's what my brother did before his death. I always loved him; he had always been my hero, but in the end I knew how heroic he really was.
We had good intentions but it reached a point that we couldn’t safely care for them at home any longer. No one was going to move in for reasons I won’t get into.
Sure no one wants to die in a LTC facility but given how elders linger now well into their 90s and with children who are also seniors, it cannot be helped.
You may have the wrong idea about Assisted Living. It's assisted. This means she'll have a whole team of professionals to look after her. To provide companionship. To pick her up when she falls. To have meetings and discuss her care. You can go to those meetings or listen in if you can't be present.
You will have some control. Before she moves in, ask to talk with those in charge of her care plan. You can fill them in on mom's likes and dislikes. You can tell them how she reacts to other people, for instance, if she prefers to be left alone in her room sometimes to watch TV there instead of with everyone else. You can ask them, if mom likes chocolate ice cream, that they order if for her once in a while. You can ask for a weekly email report from them about mom's behavior, meltdowns and all. They will send you a record of recreation activities in which she's participated that week. At least that's the way it is in ALs where I've had loved ones.
You are not sending her off to Siberia to be abandoned on an ice floe where she will die! For heaven's sake, she'll be going to a place where you will be part of her care team. Look at it that way and stop running yourself into the ground. At least she's not wanting to live with you. That in itself is a blessing because you can be her advocate instead of the lone caregiver who is exhausted and unable to enjoy mom at all.
I look at it this way .
Kids don’t always want to go to school but we send them , and they do ok even if they don’t like everything about it .
We went to work too because we had to . Did we always love our jobs ? Probably not .
Individually we have to make the best of our situations . We are not responsible for the elder’s happiness.
Hopefully OP’s mother will make the best of her AL .
Is it possible to have Mom live in an assisted living near you , where you could visit more often ? Perhaps this would make you both feel better.
Mom will have to adjust to needing to use the call bell . It is what it is .
Everyone says they want to die at home .
Unfortunately , what your mother needs and can afford is what has to happen . It’s not about what she wants anymore .