Mom was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia after I brought her to Pennsylvania. She also had 3 strokes within a 1 year period. One day she is nice as pie, then it is a snap and she hates me, telling me to get the F out. She fights with me about lots, she even says I don't buy the food she likes. I lose my mouth control when she starts cursing and saying how much I don't do anything for her. I need some pointers because if this doesn't work, her and my dad are going to be placed in a home.
Help I am desperate.
I would recommend learning as much as possible about the disease so you are better prepared. Teepa Snow has many wonderful videos on YouTube that will be helpful. Also the book called The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias, with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so please understand that your moms time here on this earth is more limited.
My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July 2018(although he was showing signs about a year before)and he died Sept. 2020.
You will have to learn not to take what she says so personal as it is the disease talking and not your mom. And also remember that people with dementia tend to mirror our attitudes and moods, so try to keep your attitude and mood as positive as possible(even if you have to fake it)so as to keep the peace in your home. It's well worth the effort.
And if you can't, as caring for someone with dementia is not for everyone, please start looking for the appropriate facility for at least your mom if not both parents. I wish you the very best as I know all too well how very difficult it is.
God bless you.
:)
unfortunately, i have no solutions.
but i have deep empathy for you.
i'm helping 2 elderly LOs (both sound mind).
1 is very sweet.
the other one screams. sometimes nice, sometimes abusive.
your case is different because your mother has dementia. this means, mayyybe you're able to tell yourself:
"it's the disease".
that's why your mother is mean sometimes.
either way (your case, my case), it hurts to hear certain words, or to be screamed at. i limit contact - but still, i receive screaming.
at the moment, my LO is 20% nice, 80% mean.
the screaming/meanness is directed only at me.
you said:
"Help I am desperate."
i would warn us both to be careful. screaming/meanness is damaging.
"she fights with me about lots"
same here.
-----
i think it helps to imagine we're 20 years older:
what would you say to yourself? "i wish when i had been 20 years younger, i had decided to...[....]."
fill in the blank. and that's what you should do.
Dementia and/or dementia-like behavior is extremely difficult & frustrating to deal with, that's for CERTAIN! The behaviors are erratic & you never know what to expect; each day is different and sometimes, each hour is different too.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The "Do's"
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
~You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
Another good book is The 36 Hour Day, which is more like a reference book to use when you have a specific question.
https://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/1421441713/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TK7U7YGKQI8R&keywords=the+36+hour+day&qid=1648760326&s=books&sprefix=the+36+hou%2Cstripbooks%2C274&sr=1-1
Learn all you can about dementia b/c knowledge is power!
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
I would discuss this with a good doctor first; start with Mom's doc and explain that you now are at the crossroad where you must consider placement due to your Mom's attitude and her acting out. He might try some medication, but do understand that with medication you are between the devil and the deep blue. Too much and you have falling and broken bones at worst, and non participation, no eating and such at best if the dosage or med doesn't work.
I would think you are probably looking at placement.
Is there any way your Father could stay with your Mom being placed? The expense will have both on medicaid very quickly otherwise. Would your Dad even allow that.
I wish I had a better answer. Not everything has a fix, and you have a right to your own life.