I am totally disabled due to a severe back injury and cannot physically take care of her. Also my husband is a gem but can only tolerate her for short visits. I find myself getting "short" with her, it's like she says things that just really hurt and are irritating. I feel like all I do is run for her. I do all the Dr. appts and keep track and get all of her supplies. I have 3 sibs but all live out of state and only one will call her on a regular bases. She only calls me daily and doesn't seem to be able to call anyone else. "Forgets" how to use the phone. I have taken to hiring a lady from church to take her out once a month for lunch just to give her someone else to interact with. She seems to argue a lot with the other residents. They do a lot of activities at the home. She really has a lot more to do there than what she would living here. I volunteer a couple days a week at the local Office for the Aging and I know she resents the fact that I'm not spending that time with her.
"I do really love you. I also love my husband, and I love peace. ... I see that at crafts tomorrow they are making greeting cards. That sounds like it could be fun. Are you going?"
Respond briefly to show that you have heard her, then change the subject. If she persists, leave. "Mom, I do love you and I am not going to argue with you about this. I'll be back on Friday and I hope you'll be in a mood to talk about something else." (Or end the phone conversation.)
Make it clear that she cannot live with you and furthermore you will not discuss the matter any further.
It sounds like you have the best arrangement at the moment. Maybe you could just make light of her wanting to move in, telling her that the two of you would fight like cats and dogs. It is better to just visit and talk.
My mother did this. My answers were that we are never home, our cats are a risk for her falls, the stairs are dangerous, and I don't know how to cook for her tastes. We practice our instruments quite loudly and all at the same time. I can't pick her up to move her. My teenagers will play their music and have friends over when they want and it might bother her. It's not going to happen mom. It just is not. This is not an option. I would drive you absolutely crazy and so will my family. The answer is no and will always be no regardless of what you try or threaten.
Only you can allow her to manipulate your emotions. Be aware that's what is happening and don't play into her hands. Rise above it, state your boundaries, and stick to them.
My mother had already started planning how she was going to redecorate my house! After I recovered from a panic attack, I told exactly where than plan was going. It involved a place the sun don't shine.
"Oh Mom, I don't know how a person like you managed to raise such a selfish daughter! I feel bad about it sometimes, but that is just the way I am. I value my comfort and my family's peace so much that I will protect it no matter what. How do you think I got to be so selfish?"
If anyone tries this approach, do let us all know how that goes over!!
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