I am totally disabled due to a severe back injury and cannot physically take care of her. Also my husband is a gem but can only tolerate her for short visits. I find myself getting "short" with her, it's like she says things that just really hurt and are irritating. I feel like all I do is run for her. I do all the Dr. appts and keep track and get all of her supplies. I have 3 sibs but all live out of state and only one will call her on a regular bases. She only calls me daily and doesn't seem to be able to call anyone else. "Forgets" how to use the phone. I have taken to hiring a lady from church to take her out once a month for lunch just to give her someone else to interact with. She seems to argue a lot with the other residents. They do a lot of activities at the home. She really has a lot more to do there than what she would living here. I volunteer a couple days a week at the local Office for the Aging and I know she resents the fact that I'm not spending that time with her.
It sounds like you have the best arrangement at the moment. Maybe you could just make light of her wanting to move in, telling her that the two of you would fight like cats and dogs. It is better to just visit and talk.
"I do really love you. I also love my husband, and I love peace. ... I see that at crafts tomorrow they are making greeting cards. That sounds like it could be fun. Are you going?"
Respond briefly to show that you have heard her, then change the subject. If she persists, leave. "Mom, I do love you and I am not going to argue with you about this. I'll be back on Friday and I hope you'll be in a mood to talk about something else." (Or end the phone conversation.)
Make it clear that she cannot live with you and furthermore you will not discuss the matter any further.
My mother did this. My answers were that we are never home, our cats are a risk for her falls, the stairs are dangerous, and I don't know how to cook for her tastes. We practice our instruments quite loudly and all at the same time. I can't pick her up to move her. My teenagers will play their music and have friends over when they want and it might bother her. It's not going to happen mom. It just is not. This is not an option. I would drive you absolutely crazy and so will my family. The answer is no and will always be no regardless of what you try or threaten.
Only you can allow her to manipulate your emotions. Be aware that's what is happening and don't play into her hands. Rise above it, state your boundaries, and stick to them.
My mother had already started planning how she was going to redecorate my house! After I recovered from a panic attack, I told exactly where than plan was going. It involved a place the sun don't shine.
"Oh Mom, I don't know how a person like you managed to raise such a selfish daughter! I feel bad about it sometimes, but that is just the way I am. I value my comfort and my family's peace so much that I will protect it no matter what. How do you think I got to be so selfish?"
If anyone tries this approach, do let us all know how that goes over!!
For one thing, most AL have transportation for people to go to the Doctor. Why can't she do that instead of being so dependent upon you given your totally disabled? Does she not even consider your health problems? If not, that is rather selfish.
One other thing, she just might have some depression. Has she ever been evaluated for depression. Some meds just might make her a happier camper.
I think the fewer words of explanation or defense the better for that will only escalate things. A simple no using the broken record approach of repeating yourself and then exiting or getting off of the phone if she want let it go. If this has been a life long battle of having your own life apart from her, then get some therapy to move past this.
If she was thinking clearly, she would understand that a person with a severe back problem, would not be able to provide care for a person with mobility issues in their home. So, I'd just keep saying, "Mom, my doctor says I can't do it. Please accept it and let it go." If she doesn't get that, then that would tell me she has some mental deficiency, because a mother would understand that and not lay on the guilt.
I've been dealing with my Moms life long pity party and as we circle the drain it just gets worse. I've drained my guilt reservoir and turned off the give a d*mn. You just have to.
I'm glad Windy's back as well. I enjoy his humor and insight. We can always use a few good jokes!
BTW, are you a member of the Jane Austen Society of NA?
She does have a wry sense of humor, doesn't she? I also appreciated the way she integrated politics in such a subtle way, but more importantly I think, she addressed the bitter choices of women in a society that saw them only as marriage candidates. No husband = old maid. What an awful thing for women to have to deal with.
I was also fascinated by her insight into people, especially manipulative, and domineering ones. Her novels are excellent character studies.
You know, it is really kind of sick that men used to prefer women 16-24, no matter how old the man. I remember the day of seeing middle-aged men chasing after 18 year old girls. I don't see that anymore, thank goodness.