I live at home with my 70 year old parents (I'm 40 and single due to my obligations here that make it difficult for me to have a life of my own). My mother retired a few years ago and has become increasingly worse since. Her and my father were everyone's ideal parents. They had a good time together. My dad has always been more social than my mother but was never a big issue. Now my father can't even go outside in the front yard without my mother accusing him of staring at our neighbor (woman) across the street. She also accuses him of staring at my sister in laws when they bring the kids to visit (he doesn't). He feels like a prisoner and has shown a decline in health because of this. He also has started sleeping on the couch and my brother caught my mom trying to record on her tablet at night to see if he sneaks out. I believe my mother has the beginning stages of Parkinson's. She is very suspicious of everything and plays the victim when shes the one that causes all the drama. My father has repeatedly told her that there is nothing going on with the neighbor to the point that he just doesn't acknowledge her accusations anymore. Shes gone as far as confronting the neighbor where she also told her that she has nothing to do with him...they dont even speak. But somehow she has put in her head that my 70 yr old father, with bad knees, sneaks out in the middle of the night to visit her. And that they have some sort of good night signals that they give. Its horrible. My father wants to leave but she always apologizes. Only to start it all again the following day. She gets upset when I tell her anything about it. She right away says that my brothers and I side and will cover for my father. She plays victim, starts crying and will throw out either "I'll leave so you can all be happy", or "sell the house so I can leave". Then its silence until she needs something from me. This has not only affected my ability to have a life of my own because they've become totally dependent on me for everything (they are still active and able to walk but have me run all their errands), and give me a hard time when I leave the house (guilt trips are given almost daily here), but she has also created friction with my brothers that they dont come over often just so they dont have to deal with the drama. Which again leaves me with the burden daily. I dont know what to do. I want to leave this house because it feels so toxic being here but I dont want to just leave my father. I'm also afraid of how my mother would handle it if she was alone knowing she was the reason for all this drama. She likes to say hurtful things to my father, but plays the victim when confronted. She refuses to get evaluated to see if its something that's making her like this. If that was the case, we'd be more educated on how to deal with it properly and know that this behavior isnt just her being a jerk to everyone...its actually a disorder. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for rambling but this is wearing me out.
Your mother sounds like she's suffering from dementia and paranoid delusions about what your father is doing. Not to mention a healthy dose of passive/aggressive behavior thrown in to keep YOU feeling guilty, off track, and not knowing which end is up. She may have always displayed this type of behavior and nowadays it's worsened b/c of other mental or health issues being contributing factors.
https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/
Your mother badly needs a medical evaluation and your father deserves for her to have one. This is something HE needs to push for and something HE needs to drive her to, although you can be present if she allows it. The issues that are going on are, in reality, between your mother and father...........and are affecting YOUR sanity because you're stuck in the middle. Your father may want to call 911 during one of her rants and have her taken to the hospital for a psych eval.
I'd move out, if it were me, letting your dad know you're always available for him, but that it's time you forge a life of your own. Your mother's mental health issues, whether they're dementia related or something else, is not your problem. You can't fix this. Only SHE can choose to do what SHE needs to do to get a medical evaluation and move on from that diagnosis, you know? Your father can choose to divorce her or give her an ultimatum: either you go to the doctor or I'm putting the house on the market and moving to an apartment. That kind of thing. Sometimes it's necessary for a wake up call to be issued for ALL concerned.
I sincerely hope that you can detach yourself from this situation to some degree so that you will allow yourself to have a full life. You deserve to. Your life is just as important as their lives. Just because they are having issues does not mean YOUR life stops. You've already put your life on hold; things aren't going to get better from here. It's up to dad to figure things out moving forward.
My father chose to live with my mother for 68 years & she treated him like a dirty dish rag. I hated that, with every ounce of my being. But after many years, I realized something: it was HIS choice to stay with her. There wasn't a darn thing I could do to change those dynamics, either. As she progressed with her dementia, her behavior only WORSENED towards him but he STILL chose to take it. I think when he died in 2015 he finally broke free from the abuse he chose to endure for all those decades. I know he's at peace now, thank God
Wishing you all the best of luck moving forward.
Please talk to her doctor about an involunary psychiatric evaluation.
I have a dear friend who became dangerously depressed a few years ago. Things finally got so bad that her husband and one of her adult daughters pushed her into a cab and took her, screaming and crying to the psychiatric emergency room at a large NYC hospital, where she was immediately admitted. It was clear that something was very VERY wrong, although my friend was having none of that.
Talk to mom's doctor and tell him (and show him in recordings) your mother's actions and rants.
Good luck.
Your dad has to convince her to get help. I would suggest moving out. They could easily live to be 100 years old. My mother is 96 and my best friends father is 98. That is the reality.
Move out!! Live your life. Have a baby!! Find someone to spend the rest of your life with.
The choice is yours.
Your mother’s best years are behind her. Her own life is not enjoyable, she is sucking most pleasures out of your life, and she may well kill your father. She is going to get worse, and because she is relatively young it could go on for over 20 years. The chances of her ‘doing something drastic’ are not high. In fact the week away could turn things around for the better. But if the unlikely result is that she does end her life, it is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is that she lives on in misery and makes life intolerable for the rest of the family.
Please think again. Love Margaret
70 is not old, but your mom is showing some really BIG signs she's not OK mentally.
Starting with a complete physical, including psych exam (good luck with that!) you need a baseline to mom's health. She's having delusions that are making you dad sad and probably depressed.
Once you rule out illness, then you deal with the mental decline--maybe she needs some psych meds to calm the delusional behavior.
Dad is really the one who needs to have the say. You be supportive, but sounds like dad is on top of things and this is his call. If mom cannot be helped by meds/therapy, then perhaps she needs to live elsewhere.
At age 70--she could easily have 15-20 more years of this, and it won't likely get better.
I'm sorry you have given up your life for them. I bet it's wearing you out!
For immediate purposes, accept that your mother genuinely believes her misperceptions (I don't want to use any kind of technical term, see above). The impact her illness has on others is bad enough, God knows, but imagine what it feels like inside her head! It must be dreadful in there - hurt, angry, fearful, heaven knows what's going on. And, crucial to note, the cause could be physical/organic and not related to aging/personality/emotions at all.
Will your father consult his doctor about this? - he might get useful advice about how to persuade/coax/convince/ultimately force your mother into at least an initial consultation. Maybe they could have a joint visit? - he could ask her to go with him?
Yes, easier said than done, I know. It will take a bit of practice but when you are able to move forward you will look back and see that you are in no way responsible for changing her behavior towards your dad.
Yes, indeed it is awfully sad and I truly empathize with you about the entire situation. Reach out for help if you need guidance from a professional therapist.
Be open and willing to hear an objective point of view. The circumstances will remain but it can change your way of thinking on it. That is a life changing experience for the better!
Best wishes to you and your family.
The OP's mother is a very nice lady - "everyone's ideal parents" - who until comparatively recently worked full-time. She is now experiencing paranoia and quite extreme anxiety, which is completely unlike her. It is a major CHANGE in her, and it needs professional evaluation.
Preferably starting with a CT scan, would be my hope.
Ginaq, even if your father can't persuade her to attend an appointment with him, he should discuss this with a medically qualified practitioner and get some informed advice.
DH would be angry for awhile and then very calm. Like trying to talk to someone with difficulty hearing or understanding. I know this guy Mike. Have met him and his wife at social functions over the years. Funny, sweet, smart guy. But something was going on. DH would say Mike messed up again, cost the company money, Yada, yada. Going to have to let him go. Can’t believe he keeps messing up. One day I told DH. You need to call his wife. There is something wrong with him. He was on an assignment out of town. Wife several states away. DH said he wasn’t comfortable doing that.
This has been going on for months. The next day, the wife calls DH. MIke is very sick, she says. She went to visit him and he’d lost 35 lbs. Mike goes home with his wife to go to his doctor. A couple of days later he had a seizure. Turns out he has a GBM brain tumor. Cancer. They think he has a few months to live.
As CM said, this is a major change in behavior. Do what you have to do to get her checked out. You can leave, your dad can leave, brothers can stop visiting, none of that will stop your mothers illness from progressing. Something is very wrong.