Heart failure, liver failure, systems shutting down. She has not eaten for 4 days. I want to bring her home with home hospice and caregiver help. She wants to do hospice at her assisted living facility to spare me the care and pain. Assisted living would not allow visitors and she would be in quarantine with no visitors until right before she passes. I cannot tolerate this thought and am telling the social worker/nurses to intervene ( she can't hear me well on the phone because of deafness) and explain why I need to override her plan and bring her home with me for the end. I have cared for her for several years until she went to rehab in January after a heart attack and stroke. My heart tells me I am doing the right thing, but part of me is programmed to listen to my mother...do not want any regrets. Help -
I would do it all over again, but it was HARD (physically and emotionally) as a single woman, with no family help. I had 24 hour caregivers and home hospice nursing. I am a pediatric nurse. I told people at the time I don't know how lay people do it. But I was alone as a family member with only caregiver help. If you have a supportive family and friend network, I would not hesitate to bring her home so you can lavish your love on her with your family. If she hasn't eaten for 4 days, with so many co-morbidities and probably multiple medications needed and she can't take without eating, I doubt she could last a full two weeks with no intake. (Before her last large stroke, the only Rx mom was on was a anticoagulant and little something for pain.) However, there is no way to know for sure. I would listen to your heart. Being separated at the end would be so heart wrenching. These Covid circumstances are insufferable. Just pray and ask for leading. No guilt either way. Like one person said, make a choice and move forward, no looking back. Just look for the way of peace in your heart and set your mind like flint and do it. Your mom knows and feels your love either way. She loves you too, and does not want to cause you any further pain. Ask and look for the way of peace, then strength and grace will be given to you either way. Hugs and prayers, dear one. 🥀♥️
God Bless you & Mom. Been there with many friends & family with the home support of hospice & worked in a inpatient hospice unit. With Covid restrictions I would not send her back to assisted living as she’ll not have the comfort of visitors & May die alone.
At first some improvement, rehab was her sitting on side of bed with help,, then could not swallow, stopped eating, hospice only 1 day. 1 week total. But I was with her and had help! Very grateful for this time.
AL could not get an exception.. I would not have been allowed with her.
Home help if needed is harder to get with virus, too.
However moving your mom will have positive or negative affect too.
My mom only lasted 3 days not eating, but was told usually longer.
Home hospice was very hard. It was rewarding and I'm glad we did it, but it was hard physical work. I'm sorry you are going through this. Losing your mom at any time is wrenching. The current situation makes things even harder.
If you are sure you want to take care of her at your house, then do it. But you do know that hospice only is there for a couple of hours; they are not there 24/7. Since she had not eaten for 4 days, she may not live much longer. If you are comfortable with the care she will need, then do what you want to in your heart.
If she's at the AL place, you won't be able to be with her until the very end, and to me that's not acceptable. Hospice is wonderful, and you won't be terribly burdened.
Once settled in your home, I feel she should know "at this time" she wouldn't be returning to the AL "as she remembers it". No socializing, no dining room, no visitors from outside. In 2-3 weeks, if hell-bent on returning to AL, then honor your word, and transfer her. FaceTime is a way to stay connected to friends (AL) if available. Hopefully this could be a win-win for both of you.
Ask mom if she would come home and be on Hospice for 4 weeks, if it is to difficult for you, or if she is unhappy Hospice can arrange a transfer back to her AL facility.
You would have her home for a while and you can care for her with the help of Hospice.
I am sure one of the reasons she wants to go back is she has friends at her AL facility that she would like to see again and she knows that might not happen.
Your last few words to your post..."do not want any regrets..."
There will always be regrets, whenever we make a choice we always wonder "what if". Make the best choice for the NOW and don't look back.