It’s starting to take a toll on me. My brother seems to not have this problem when he's doing his time with her.
She is also is starting to not let anybody stay with her at night. Which is how I get my relief, but I feel guilty to leave her.
My wife has been supportive and my rock. She’s not even allowed there anymore.
If she is getting that confused, she might start to wander , looking for her husband, or like my mom, looking for her children.
If you are unwilling to set her up in a residential setting, which it seems like may be the best solution, I would at least set up sitters for part of the day to give you a break, and maybe set up some cameras inside so you can check in on her while she is alone. Our Ring doorbell system can send notifications when someone goes in or out of the door, so you could know if she tried to wander.
I would consider disabling the stove so that her fire hazard is lowered, especially when she is alone.
I don't think there is anyone managing the care of a family member that doesn't deal with guilt/grief on a regular basis. You and your brother should start visiting facilities so you can make a decision sooner than later.
Take care.
She cannot possibly live by herself anymore--one day she will start wandering and may end up getting killed on the road, or assaulted by a thug.
As for her behavior with you, you can not change her thought patterns. The best you can do is make sure she can't compromise you: always have somebody else visit with you, keep affection very brief and polite, social distance... She may continue to think you're her boyfriend (you must remind her of your dad when he was young), but you can keep her "chaperoned" so she won't get any ideas.
If she will not allow anyone but you to stay overnight, her family needs to take on these decisions and place her in a facility that will keep her safe from herself. Placing her in a facility is sad, but not as sad as what can happen to her if left to her own devices. Also while in the facility, you can step back let the staff do their work and visit with your wife - she still may mistake you as her boyfriend, but hopefully she can make friends with those around her.
Good luck your mother and her family.
This is going to require you to take a long look at your mom’s circumstances and possibly have to make some difficult decisions. Your mom may not necessarily need the full time care of facility yet.... I’m not sure. I think if she is still capable of handling her ADL’s then perhaps just supplemental in home help will suffice. There are many benefits to this. An occasional helper can provide positive social interaction that can benefit her mental and physical wellbeing. She may resist at first but she should adjust and hopefully eventually even look forward to it. Finding the right person is key. They have to have good chemistry with her. This will take the attention and stress off of you and give you the needed break. You don’t have to suffer the entire burden and live with guilt. You obviously love your mother and are trying your best to care for her. Guilt is just a natural part of the grieving process we go through as we watch them struggle through this and feel them slip away. But remember to be kind to yourself and protect yourself and your family.
Have you looked into Palliative Care? Sometimes insurances will cover this. We have it for my Father in Law and it’s been a a lifesaver. It was referred to us by his Primary Care Physician. They operate under the service of hospice care but they are not hospice. They come in and offer assistance a few days a week with dressing, bathing (if necessary) light help around the house.... they can help make a bed and help them fix a bite to eat. They engage them socially and can also do exercises and range of motion as well. In addition they have nurses come and make sure all their physical health needs are being met and make sure meds are in order. Even if you think she doesn’t need all this right now sometimes you are surprised at how quickly the situation can progress and then you realize how much your loved one really does need the added support. And so do you. Also, pay attention to meds. Sometimes they need to be adjusted. Meds can play a crucial role in how our loved ones behave. Make sure you or your brother are closely monitoring them. I don’t believe in overmedicating them but I do think if properly prescribed and administered they can make a world of difference.
Good luck🙏🏼
Either stay with her on your nights or talk to brother about moving her - facility, one of your homes, but she can't stay alone.
Mother doesn't get to make decisions of this caliber anymore. It's no longer about what she WANTS but about what she NEEDS to keep her safe. You are taking orders from a mind that's now addled with a disease, and no longer making rational decisions or choices.
Mother either 'allows' full time, 24/7 help inside of her home OR she gets placed in Memory Care immediately where there is a 24/7 staff of caregivers to care for her all night long.
It's time for you to make decisions FOR your mother that keep her safe. AD is a horrible disease and one that requires placement when it becomes advanced, in most cases.
Good luck
I had a few clients who confused their sons' with their ex's. You may want to try having a few picture of your father or past boyfriends available. Nice sizes so they can be easily seen and limit the picture of yourself in the house. If you do have a picture of you, perhaps make it a picture of you and your family, so your mother can be reminded gently of your circle and hers.
Plus understand this period of time is only temporary, unfortunately or fortunately your mother will forget all relationships and and you and your wife will be friendly faces.
My grandmother suffered for years with the disease. I was my mother in her head and my kids were me and my brother. I strongly resemble my mom and I was the oldest and I had a brother 3 years younger. Just so happens my kids were in the same order, my daughter and my son 3 years younger.
Stay Inspired,
Shonda
Having Alz/dementia doesn’t mean that an LO is somehow entitled to design the whole landscape or run the whole show.
She deserves your compassion, love, concern and the best management you can design to ensure her SAFETY.
If you have not discussed judicious use of medication to help you and her manage her more difficult outbursts, consider that.
As a family, do some research on local residential care sites. Being pro active in terms of her care will empower all of you.
Be open to the perspective that the illusions of an elderly sensory deprived victim of terrible illness do not extend to giving her the power of management, for herself or for those who care for her. “She’s not even allowed there anymore” dignifies an unsupportable error in caring for her, as does “starting to not let anybody stay with her at night” which is not within her NEED for SAFETY, and must be managed as such.
Her aberrant actions need to be addressed, and ultimately, like many of us here, you may find that she will ejection from residential care provided by professionals.
You will be prepared for that decision by having researched all her options in advance.
Peaceful, loving management. Your decisions, made with love and preparation.
That's among the most WTF things I've read on here... he needs to move out.
This takes the whole Mommy's Boy thing to a creepy new level.
That’s what we are all looking for here.
Regarding the 'boyfriend' issue - I think if me, I would take this as a cue to step back a bit & find replacement caregivers.
So... What's the main priority as you see it?
Sometimes I hear 'keeping Mother at home'. If so, then round the clock caregivers will be soon needed (if not already) to enable that to be realistic. This will be your challenge - to have them acceptable to Mother & even be let in the door!
Sometimes that statement can be tweaked to: Mother to remain at home *as long as possible or practical*.
Or is it 'keeping Mother calm, safe & comfortable'. If so, that can be done in another setting.
It IS sad to move people from their homes but this is the dilemma: Duty of Care vs Dignity of Choice.
Of concern is leaving her alone at night. While it is a relief to get out, is it possible to "pretend" to leave, and just wait outside for her to fall asleep, then go back in, quietly? Too many people with dementia end up wandering, sometimes in the middle of the night. That would not end well.
In the meantime, it would be best to start searching for a facility for her. It isn't safe for her to remain in the home. Additionally, it WILL take some of the onus off of you AND allow you to resume your relationship with your angel of a wife!
Once she is safe in a MC facility, you can try visits, but perhaps it would be best to have someone else join you during those visits (sadly not the wife.) It will be better for you to be able to try to be a caring person who visits (you will likely never be son in her mind again) VS a strung out stalked "lover" who provides care-giving!
And if mom doesn't have the money, you will have to apply for Medicaid for her. Your mom I'm sure wouldn't want you or your brother giving up your lives to care for her, so time to make some major changes. Best wishes.