Parents live independently and are well into their 80s. Dad has memory and confusion issues but still functions well. Mom has suddenly dug her feet in with control issues over things that are unreasonable. Have had two major instances. Most recent she has litterally bullied my sister over a guest list. She emailed my sister her concerns after they clashed. I spoke with mom and explained there are extenuating circumstances for my sisters decision. My sister is under a tremendous amount of stress. Asked her to please let it go. Spoke with her about different value systems and it wasn't out place to tell my sister who she could or couldn't have in her house. Mom just won't let it go. Said she would forward me the email she sent to my sister and I would see that she is right. Explained I didnt want to see the email as it is my sisters decision who she invites to her home. Asked her to please, begging you, just let it go. Mom immediately forwarded the email. She plans to tell my sister if she doesn't comply, she will drop off a cake and leave.
My family has never gotten drawn up in drama. This is the second time in recent months mom has just plain argued her point with no reason. Not like her at all. Spoke with her doctor and she brushed it off. Am I going nuts? How do I handle this? Have been careful to avoid flat telling her how it's going to be but she just keeps circling back to my sister is wrong. Have told her this isnt about right or wrong. She's a grown woman who can make a choice different than ours and that's okay. It's not what I would do but it's not my decision. Help!
Second guess is that she is having some kind of cognitive decline or dementia which is making her not listen and be unreasonable. I'd try to get her evaluated for these type of things.
Do not just let the doctor brush you off. Talk to another provider. Ask for a referral. Something.
Ask yourself if there is a reason mom would have such a strong reaction to this list based on her generation.
With your sleuth hat on - anything else amiss?
Bills being paid OK? Appointments being kept, or some being missed?
Any unusually poor or impulsive decisions being made?
Any increase in general misunderstandings?
These are some of the flags I know. Little subtle changes to planning, reasoning & language processing that you may see, but Dr probably won't.
Eg food is in the cupboards but dinner is just cheese & crackers... or while out shopping there is disagreement or misunderstanding with many shopkeepers.
Or in the example, maybe the real reason she wants to control your sister's guestlist will become apparent soon. Keep asking.
"Spoke with her about different value systems" is there a cultural thing in play here?
IMO sister should do what she feels best. As you have told Mom, it's sister's home. If Mom doesn't go, thats her decision. I would not change anything to appease her. But, I would look for other signs and make a list. If you expect Dementia, then get her to a neurologist. I may even have her PCP run labs to rule out anything physical causing Mom to act this way. Not being able to reason with someone is one of the first signs of Dementia.