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We are originally from Western Maine (cold & snowy), my folks lived in Florida 17 years, Mom bought a condo last year when she moved to Mass (didn’t go well, but the yard work and snow removal were done). We sold the condo and she bought a 2 family farmhouse. There are tenants upstairs. Mom does not want to pay for snow removal, thinks it is a better idea to do it herself and SAVE money!! She bought a snowblower that can chuck slush because the guys at Home Depot suggested would work. I know the cost of snowplowing is variable-will it be a $300 winter or a $3,000 winter? I think falling on the ice will be the end of her independence and to pretend its reasonable for a recently widowed 77 year old lady should undertake chucking snow is just ridiculous. I had a bone density scan yesterday and apparently I have bones like someone in their 80’s. I am in PT and starting a new med but in treatment for autoimmune. I cannot help plow the snow myself. I am 54. Anyone else been less well than their zealous elder parent? Parent with no judgement about their capabilities?
I think you have a bigger issue here than a snowblower, or even a mom who, in my opinion, has the "Peter Pan" syndrome - that is, refusing to acknowledge the fact that she is getting elderly.
You say the grand plan was for you to move in with mom in this 2-family house. If you haven't, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this plan.
I have a 2-family home, and my mom moved into the upstairs apartment when she retired. Now, for us, this wasn't at all a problem - my mom was kind and loving, she adored her grandchildren, and she was really a delight to live with. She never interfered in our marriage or gave an opinion that was unasked for. And still, when she grew ill with congestive heart failure, I found myself at times resenting the hell out of the situation we were both in. I realize how selfish this must make me sound, especially to those here who have been taking care of nightmarish parents, but I want you to understand what I'm trying to convey.
Once you are in the apartment, separate space or no, every time your mom goes to the doctor, or ends up in the ER, she is going to get asked the same question - "Who do you live with?". Every. Single. Time. And it's not because the medical staff are interested in this sweet old lady's life, but so they can check "no" on the check-off box that asks if this person represents an "unsafe discharge". They will NOT ask YOU how things at home are going. They will NOT ask YOU if you are ready, willing and able to be mom's caregiver. They will simply ASSUME that because you share an address and share DNA, you are a willing participant in all things care-giving. Trying to convince them that you aren't able to - for whatever reason - care for mom will fall on deaf ears - or worse, you will forever get the BS about "we can get you help".
When the cardiologist convinced my mom to try a Milrinone drip to help stave off the effects of CHF, he told us both "A nurse will be sent to the house to infuse you, like once a week". We agreed to try it, mom had the procedure to have the medi-port put in place, and the night she was being discharged we were told by the nursing staff that no, this was a 24/7 continuous drip, and *** I *** would be responsible for changing the medication and maintaining the machine. This wonder drug that was supposed to make her quality of life so much better was like an albatross, and after my mom literally hog-tied herself to her walker with the picc line - twice - she declared it to be a "pain-in-the-a**" and told her doctor to take her off if it. She entered hospice that day and passed peacefully 8 weeks later.
I don't know what your impetus for moving in with mom might be, but with the way you describe your mom and your relationship with her, you might want to re-think this particular plan and come up with a different one. You move in, and either mom becomes more reckless because you're there and now she has built in support, or mom steps completely back and expects you to do every little thing that needs to be done. The best-case scenario you can hope for is mom stays the same way she is now, which doesn't seem like a very good living arrangement for you.
We have quite a few autoimmune conditions in my family, and I do know that stress does a number on them, causing all kinds of flare-ups. Please, reconsider this idea of living in the same house as mom.
Uhm. if it were a man rather than a woman would everyone be as upset? You don't say what kind of snowblower it is but these things are often self propelled and have a key start so all the operator has to do is walk behind them and steer, my elderly neighbour used his well into his 80's. That said a rural driveway is usually quite long and it would be wise to have an arrangement for someone with heavy equipment who will come as needed when there is a heavy snowfall.
Were I you, I would inform mom that you cannot move in to help with the maintenance. Like you said, your bones are akin to an 80 yo, plus you’ve got a chronic immune disorder.
The grand plan was I would move in this June. To an apartment with separate utilities and kitchen. I could not share space with her. The amount of time she spends worrying about turning out lights -it is exhausting. The tenants have a dog who needs to go out at night-she doesn’t think the light should be on all night for them. She has shut outside lights off while tenants were outside…I suspect many times. And she is just mad that people leave the lights on. All of the lights are updated. It is not worth hours of arguing and wrong-making.
My biggest problem is the lack of a support system for her. Because she is so suspicious. She didn’t want me to let family know my Dad passed. I had gotten closer to some of my cousins and my aunt but I feel like I can’t contact them. She wouldn’t let me write obituary-no funeral or service (sad for my kids).
Maybe this is a canary in a coalmine situation—and I am more than ankle deep in dementia but its been difficult with her secrecy and paranoia since I was in elementary school. Honestly, its worse but always been like this. She doesn’t join groups or have friends because “something always happens.” People have no clue they have critically ticked her off.
The really nutty thing is that everywhere we go-people are great and friendly. But, you see the world through your own lens. She has forgiveness issues.
We have checked out the senior center and been to an activity and signed up to ho back next month. I need to go with her though. Babysteps.
The guys at Home Depot probably didn’t know that she was planning on using it herself with no help. I’d suggest that you arrange a time after snow for her first attempt to use it, with a nice strong young man there to watch and take over when needed. And work out how you are going to sell it second hand.
I am also concerned she will hop out there while its snowing at night. To make sure it gets done and snow doesn’t pile up.
Her laundry goes right in the machine, her dishes are washed as they are used. Nothing is left undone. She is sanding, painting. Thought she broke her foot (er all night-I called in at work), hopping off 3 step ladder. She bought 6 foot step ladder to caulk the ceiling.
It is constant.
Is this manic sort of behavior related to dementia? Physical stuff is familiar and safe feeling for her.
She has trouble understanding the difference between her bank and her credit card when we are looking on them online. Like she really doesn’t get inputs-credits and debits. So I do that stuff now and she wants to check it all the time, gets locked out, thinks I changed the passwords. I am sure I am not the first.
No. I am not sure what the protocol around that looks like. Is it the primary care doc? Is there a stealth accessment?
She does not like me “interfering” and communicating about her needs. I drafted a note on her portal asking for PT because she has to pee at night if she drinks water, so she is dehydrated and has uti/kidney symptoms (waiting to hear from doctor). I had her read the draft and she was mad, telling her what to do! She would not drink for me today. Anyway, she needs to drink bloodwork and urine say dehydrated. She doesn’t want to do PT because “gyms are dirty”—I will find some videos on youtube.
Its this whole dance around not telling her “no” which I need to get over.
You don’t say mom has dementia, so apparently she’s mentally sound. If she feels capable of using a snowblower there’s no choice but to let her have at it. Just have a nice conversation about what she can expect, and not expect, from you as a caregiver should the need arise. Not just for a fall on the ice, but for everyone to be clear on expectations from family in advance
My Mom has been very erratic lately but -always- paranoid about neighbors. Already talking about “selling” the place she moved in 6 mos ago.
Part of the plan was that I would live in upstairs apartment after my youngest graduates this spring.
They do some bs assessment for dementia -like remembering 5 things- but not a real dementia test. I can’t imagine she would allow it.
How does “getting a dementia test” work?
She bought a “woman’s chain saw” and took down little 5 trees in the yard. Dug up the stumps, put them in another garden area. So we could enlarge the parking area.
She bought a riding mower when she moved in ( I don’t have grip strength to turn key or drive mower) I made it clear, it will not be me mowing. She had the guy from mower shop come out and help her start it a couple times. Had handyman replace belts. All stuff my dad would have just taken care of. But she thinks she must do it and she sure is not capable. She can afford a lawn service, it is against her values because she sees it as “wasting money.” I am sure you all get it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You say the grand plan was for you to move in with mom in this 2-family house. If you haven't, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this plan.
I have a 2-family home, and my mom moved into the upstairs apartment when she retired. Now, for us, this wasn't at all a problem - my mom was kind and loving, she adored her grandchildren, and she was really a delight to live with. She never interfered in our marriage or gave an opinion that was unasked for. And still, when she grew ill with congestive heart failure, I found myself at times resenting the hell out of the situation we were both in. I realize how selfish this must make me sound, especially to those here who have been taking care of nightmarish parents, but I want you to understand what I'm trying to convey.
Once you are in the apartment, separate space or no, every time your mom goes to the doctor, or ends up in the ER, she is going to get asked the same question - "Who do you live with?". Every. Single. Time. And it's not because the medical staff are interested in this sweet old lady's life, but so they can check "no" on the check-off box that asks if this person represents an "unsafe discharge". They will NOT ask YOU how things at home are going. They will NOT ask YOU if you are ready, willing and able to be mom's caregiver. They will simply ASSUME that because you share an address and share DNA, you are a willing participant in all things care-giving. Trying to convince them that you aren't able to - for whatever reason - care for mom will fall on deaf ears - or worse, you will forever get the BS about "we can get you help".
When the cardiologist convinced my mom to try a Milrinone drip to help stave off the effects of CHF, he told us both "A nurse will be sent to the house to infuse you, like once a week". We agreed to try it, mom had the procedure to have the medi-port put in place, and the night she was being discharged we were told by the nursing staff that no, this was a 24/7 continuous drip, and *** I *** would be responsible for changing the medication and maintaining the machine. This wonder drug that was supposed to make her quality of life so much better was like an albatross, and after my mom literally hog-tied herself to her walker with the picc line - twice - she declared it to be a "pain-in-the-a**" and told her doctor to take her off if it. She entered hospice that day and passed peacefully 8 weeks later.
I don't know what your impetus for moving in with mom might be, but with the way you describe your mom and your relationship with her, you might want to re-think this particular plan and come up with a different one. You move in, and either mom becomes more reckless because you're there and now she has built in support, or mom steps completely back and expects you to do every little thing that needs to be done. The best-case scenario you can hope for is mom stays the same way she is now, which doesn't seem like a very good living arrangement for you.
We have quite a few autoimmune conditions in my family, and I do know that stress does a number on them, causing all kinds of flare-ups. Please, reconsider this idea of living in the same house as mom.
I'm 61 and I don't even attempt it, also if there is a tenet, they are going to be very unhappy, being stuck in if the can't get out.
Your mom is having very poor judgement, there is probably a little bit of cognitive decline going on.
Sorry about your osteoporosis, my mom's had it really bad since a young age also, and she is 88 so try not to worry, to much.
The grand plan was I would move in this June. To an apartment with separate utilities and kitchen. I could not share space with her. The amount of time she spends worrying about turning out lights -it is exhausting. The tenants have a dog who needs to go out at night-she doesn’t think the light should be on all night for them. She has shut outside lights off while tenants were outside…I suspect many times. And she is just mad that people leave the lights on. All of the lights are updated. It is not worth hours of arguing and wrong-making.
My biggest problem is the lack of a support system for her. Because she is so suspicious. She didn’t want me to let family know my Dad passed. I had gotten closer to some of my cousins and my aunt but I feel like I can’t contact them. She wouldn’t let me write obituary-no funeral or service (sad for my kids).
Maybe this is a canary in a coalmine situation—and I am more than ankle deep in dementia but its been difficult with her secrecy and paranoia since I was in elementary school. Honestly, its worse but always been like this. She doesn’t join groups or have friends because “something always happens.” People have no clue they have critically ticked her off.
The really nutty thing is that everywhere we go-people are great and friendly. But, you see the world through your own lens. She has forgiveness issues.
We have checked out the senior center and been to an activity and signed up to ho back next month. I need to go with her though. Babysteps.
I am also concerned she will hop out there while its snowing at night. To make sure it gets done and snow doesn’t pile up.
Her laundry goes right in the machine, her dishes are washed as they are used. Nothing is left undone. She is sanding, painting. Thought she broke her foot (er all night-I called in at work), hopping off 3 step ladder. She bought 6 foot step ladder to caulk the ceiling.
It is constant.
Is this manic sort of behavior related to dementia? Physical stuff is familiar and safe feeling for her.
She has trouble understanding the difference between her bank and her credit card when we are looking on them online. Like she really doesn’t get inputs-credits and debits. So I do that stuff now and she wants to check it all the time, gets locked out, thinks I changed the passwords. I am sure I am not the first.
She does not like me “interfering” and communicating about her needs. I drafted a note on her portal asking for PT because she has to pee at night if she drinks water, so she is dehydrated and has uti/kidney symptoms (waiting to hear from doctor). I had her read the draft and she was mad, telling her what to do! She would not drink for me today. Anyway, she needs to drink bloodwork and urine say dehydrated. She doesn’t want to do PT because “gyms are dirty”—I will find some videos on youtube.
Its this whole dance around not telling her “no” which I need to get over.
Part of the plan was that I would live in upstairs apartment after my youngest graduates this spring.
They do some bs assessment for dementia -like remembering 5 things- but not a real dementia test. I can’t imagine she would allow it.
How does “getting a
dementia test” work?
She bought a “woman’s chain saw” and took down little 5 trees in the yard. Dug up the stumps, put them in another garden area. So we could enlarge the parking area.
She bought a riding mower when she moved in ( I don’t have grip strength to turn key or drive mower) I made it clear, it will not be me mowing. She had the guy from mower shop come out and help her start it a couple times. Had handyman replace belts. All stuff my dad would have just taken care of. But she thinks she must do it and she sure is not capable. She can afford a lawn service, it is against her values because she sees it as “wasting money.” I am sure you all get it.
There are just so many more layers.