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We are originally from Western Maine (cold & snowy), my folks lived in Florida 17 years, Mom bought a condo last year when she moved to Mass (didn’t go well, but the yard work and snow removal were done). We sold the condo and she bought a 2 family farmhouse. There are tenants upstairs. Mom does not want to pay for snow removal, thinks it is a better idea to do it herself and SAVE money!! She bought a snowblower that can chuck slush because the guys at Home Depot suggested would work. I know the cost of snowplowing is variable-will it be a $300 winter or a $3,000 winter? I think falling on the ice will be the end of her independence and to pretend its reasonable for a recently widowed 77 year old lady should undertake chucking snow is just ridiculous. I had a bone density scan yesterday and apparently I have bones like someone in their 80’s. I am in PT and starting a new med but in treatment for autoimmune. I cannot help plow the snow myself. I am 54. Anyone else been less well than their zealous elder parent? Parent with no judgement about their capabilities?
You don’t say mom has dementia, so apparently she’s mentally sound. If she feels capable of using a snowblower there’s no choice but to let her have at it. Just have a nice conversation about what she can expect, and not expect, from you as a caregiver should the need arise. Not just for a fall on the ice, but for everyone to be clear on expectations from family in advance
My Mom has been very erratic lately but -always- paranoid about neighbors. Already talking about “selling” the place she moved in 6 mos ago.
Part of the plan was that I would live in upstairs apartment after my youngest graduates this spring.
They do some bs assessment for dementia -like remembering 5 things- but not a real dementia test. I can’t imagine she would allow it.
How does “getting a dementia test” work?
She bought a “woman’s chain saw” and took down little 5 trees in the yard. Dug up the stumps, put them in another garden area. So we could enlarge the parking area.
She bought a riding mower when she moved in ( I don’t have grip strength to turn key or drive mower) I made it clear, it will not be me mowing. She had the guy from mower shop come out and help her start it a couple times. Had handyman replace belts. All stuff my dad would have just taken care of. But she thinks she must do it and she sure is not capable. She can afford a lawn service, it is against her values because she sees it as “wasting money.” I am sure you all get it.
Reading your further information below makes me add—as you indicate mom has likely had some lifelong undiagnosed mental illness, if there’s now dementia coming on, those lifelong behaviors may be now exaggerated and now pronounced. Stop trying to reason with someone who cannot be reasoned with. Our adult son has an hypoxic brain injury from infancy, one thing we lost was reasoning skills. It’s the hardest to deal with of what was lost. Though we well know it, we still fall into attempting to reason with him. Complete waste of effort. I’m glad you’ve taken over her finances and are protecting her there. You may need to soon cut off the access to the credit card if the bad spending habits gets out of control. Don’t get in the habit, or stop the habit if it’s there, of running to her every need or demand. Back off and let her do her. A common club is “waiting for the event” the inevitable time an event happens that forces change. I was a member for a long time with my dad, and know it’s no fun waiting. I also learned not to blow up my life with anxiety and worry over what I could not control. What’s going to happen with mom will happen , no matter your running interference and wearing yourself out. I gladly helped my dad, according to what I could do only. When mom is unreasonable, leave her to it. If she runs off the tenants, so be it. Don’t move nearer to mom, you will surely regret it. I wish you peace in the (coming snow) storm
I think you have a bigger issue here than a snowblower, or even a mom who, in my opinion, has the "Peter Pan" syndrome - that is, refusing to acknowledge the fact that she is getting elderly.
You say the grand plan was for you to move in with mom in this 2-family house. If you haven't, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this plan.
I have a 2-family home, and my mom moved into the upstairs apartment when she retired. Now, for us, this wasn't at all a problem - my mom was kind and loving, she adored her grandchildren, and she was really a delight to live with. She never interfered in our marriage or gave an opinion that was unasked for. And still, when she grew ill with congestive heart failure, I found myself at times resenting the hell out of the situation we were both in. I realize how selfish this must make me sound, especially to those here who have been taking care of nightmarish parents, but I want you to understand what I'm trying to convey.
Once you are in the apartment, separate space or no, every time your mom goes to the doctor, or ends up in the ER, she is going to get asked the same question - "Who do you live with?". Every. Single. Time. And it's not because the medical staff are interested in this sweet old lady's life, but so they can check "no" on the check-off box that asks if this person represents an "unsafe discharge". They will NOT ask YOU how things at home are going. They will NOT ask YOU if you are ready, willing and able to be mom's caregiver. They will simply ASSUME that because you share an address and share DNA, you are a willing participant in all things care-giving. Trying to convince them that you aren't able to - for whatever reason - care for mom will fall on deaf ears - or worse, you will forever get the BS about "we can get you help".
When the cardiologist convinced my mom to try a Milrinone drip to help stave off the effects of CHF, he told us both "A nurse will be sent to the house to infuse you, like once a week". We agreed to try it, mom had the procedure to have the medi-port put in place, and the night she was being discharged we were told by the nursing staff that no, this was a 24/7 continuous drip, and *** I *** would be responsible for changing the medication and maintaining the machine. This wonder drug that was supposed to make her quality of life so much better was like an albatross, and after my mom literally hog-tied herself to her walker with the picc line - twice - she declared it to be a "pain-in-the-a**" and told her doctor to take her off if it. She entered hospice that day and passed peacefully 8 weeks later.
I don't know what your impetus for moving in with mom might be, but with the way you describe your mom and your relationship with her, you might want to re-think this particular plan and come up with a different one. You move in, and either mom becomes more reckless because you're there and now she has built in support, or mom steps completely back and expects you to do every little thing that needs to be done. The best-case scenario you can hope for is mom stays the same way she is now, which doesn't seem like a very good living arrangement for you.
We have quite a few autoimmune conditions in my family, and I do know that stress does a number on them, causing all kinds of flare-ups. Please, reconsider this idea of living in the same house as mom.
If your Mom has had life-long undiagnosed mental health issues (if I'm reading your responses correctly) and now she may have age-related cognitive issues (early dementia, some memory problems)... you will never be able to prop her up in her bigger home, force her to "be safe", eat and drink more healthily, etc. The mental health component makes it so much trickier -- and it seems you are now well groomed to run interference for her. This won't work anymore, at least not without it costing you dearly.
My Mom is 95 and up until about 5 years ago would go out and attempt to shovel her driveway (here in MN) in the dark, without asking me (I literally live next door to her). I just decided I wasn't going to get myself or my long-suffering husband out of bed that early to try and beat her to it. I got her a pair of easy to get on winter boots and put Yak Traks on them and she never went out to shovel without wearing them. It's as much as we could do without physically stopping her. She liked "the exercise".
If you are her financial PoA then I would go to her bank with the paperwork and get yourself joint on her accounts. Take most of her cash out of her checking and put it in her savings. Do not give her a debit card, only a credit card with low credit limit. Put a freeze on her credit (she doesn't need a credit score at her age). And do not get roped into any of her plans.
My Mom's recent bouts of paranoia are the hardest for me to deal with as it makes managing her affairs a lot trickier. There is no fix for this. You will need to decide your boundaries. As time goes on she will become less and less manageable as she loses more and more of her logic, reason, empathy for people (you), judgment, etc.
Does she have neighbors that you can use as "boots on the ground" should something happen to her and you can't get there right away? I used to secretly hide the key to my in-laws house right outside and had a nice neighbor do wellness checks on them.
Like I mentioned I live in MN and it's extremely rare to hear about any snowblower accidents (if that's what worries you about her buying one). If she wears her Yak Traks that's half the battle. This is where you through your hands in the air and say, "It is what it is" and let the chips fall where they may.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you practice your boundaries.
The grand plan was I would move in this June. To an apartment with separate utilities and kitchen. I could not share space with her. The amount of time she spends worrying about turning out lights -it is exhausting. The tenants have a dog who needs to go out at night-she doesn’t think the light should be on all night for them. She has shut outside lights off while tenants were outside…I suspect many times. And she is just mad that people leave the lights on. All of the lights are updated. It is not worth hours of arguing and wrong-making.
My biggest problem is the lack of a support system for her. Because she is so suspicious. She didn’t want me to let family know my Dad passed. I had gotten closer to some of my cousins and my aunt but I feel like I can’t contact them. She wouldn’t let me write obituary-no funeral or service (sad for my kids).
Maybe this is a canary in a coalmine situation—and I am more than ankle deep in dementia but its been difficult with her secrecy and paranoia since I was in elementary school. Honestly, its worse but always been like this. She doesn’t join groups or have friends because “something always happens.” People have no clue they have critically ticked her off.
The really nutty thing is that everywhere we go-people are great and friendly. But, you see the world through your own lens. She has forgiveness issues.
We have checked out the senior center and been to an activity and signed up to ho back next month. I need to go with her though. Babysteps.
Uhm. if it were a man rather than a woman would everyone be as upset? You don't say what kind of snowblower it is but these things are often self propelled and have a key start so all the operator has to do is walk behind them and steer, my elderly neighbour used his well into his 80's. That said a rural driveway is usually quite long and it would be wise to have an arrangement for someone with heavy equipment who will come as needed when there is a heavy snowfall.
I am 82 and still doing things I understand I should not. Given our sidewalks in such bad repair a walk to the library is enough to do me in and on Saturday I took (another) fall; we elders trip and cannot recover balance. I will say one thing about the snow blower: if the weight isn't too bad, it will help her keep balance because of the need for handlebars IF this model is stable and grounded, rather than handheld in the air.
You know, the truth is there isn't much you can do about this. I think that you should gently tell her your fears: ask her to hill you out while you tell her that at her age a fall can mean her independence. I wonder all the time when the hip will bust on one of my crash-and-burn outings. It is inevitable. I think that we elders DO consider these things, but dismiss them. We see everything as just one more loss.
After you have spoken with her and explained your fears about balance, weight, slips, broken hip (falls are often the beginning of the end and was for my own mom; as a retired RN I guarantee it eventually; at least the end of independence)--you have just to sit back and wait for "the call". I would tell her THAT as well. And then you will say "She made her choices" and then it is either care centers or coffin.
Sadly, with someone independent, it is up to them (us) as are all choices, good and bad, while we are "competent". It is poor decision making, this; no question of that. But little can be done after you reasonably discuss it with her.
Were I you, I would inform mom that you cannot move in to help with the maintenance. Like you said, your bones are akin to an 80 yo, plus you’ve got a chronic immune disorder.
Do not do not DO NOT move in with her! Not even into the separate apartment. You need to be as far away from this nonsense as possible. Don’t involve yourself at all in this catastrophe in the making.
Do not help her, at all, to carry out this silly fantasy she is clinging to. Not with shoveling snow, not with household repairs, not with general household work, not with dealing with tenants, not with anything.
Just wait for the inevitable disaster that will force her the needed change.
Omg, your mom sounds a lot like my dad. I have always thought he has undiagnosed OCD. He and mom lived in a 2 family that I own and he was obsessed with how the tenants did their trash, which lights were on outside and in the halls. I could see him doing exactly what your mom did to the tenants with the dog! Always monitoring for locked front doors, hallway lights etc. I hired a person to do the snow and he'd drive my mother insane and me as well asking when was he coming. Like he literally wanted to know what time. I'd get calls and texts "what time is that guy coming", "hey that guy didn't come yet", "is that guy coming or what"... He couldn't stand that the guy wasn't there as soon as flakes started to fall and would only come after the storm was over.. So I get your concern about her going out there several times a night during the snowfall to "keep up with it". He has a self imposed schedule for everything and if he's off he will talk about how late he is and how he's "running behind"... Like your mom with the cleaning etc.
Now that they are in an apartment with a maintenance person he literally "hunts down" the maintenance guy after I put a request in online. He says "I'm going to go hunt him down" and he wanders around looking for him, the poor guy must hate when he sees him coming.. So if this has always been part of her personality idk if it's dementia.
I know your question was about if anyone else had more compromised health than their parent but your post struck a very familiar chord with me...!!!
But yeah, definitely don't move up there if it can be helped for your own sanity. Wishing you peace.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Part of the plan was that I would live in upstairs apartment after my youngest graduates this spring.
They do some bs assessment for dementia -like remembering 5 things- but not a real dementia test. I can’t imagine she would allow it.
How does “getting a
dementia test” work?
She bought a “woman’s chain saw” and took down little 5 trees in the yard. Dug up the stumps, put them in another garden area. So we could enlarge the parking area.
She bought a riding mower when she moved in ( I don’t have grip strength to turn key or drive mower) I made it clear, it will not be me mowing. She had the guy from mower shop come out and help her start it a couple times. Had handyman replace belts. All stuff my dad would have just taken care of. But she thinks she must do it and she sure is not capable. She can afford a lawn service, it is against her values because she sees it as “wasting money.” I am sure you all get it.
There are just so many more layers.
You say the grand plan was for you to move in with mom in this 2-family house. If you haven't, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this plan.
I have a 2-family home, and my mom moved into the upstairs apartment when she retired. Now, for us, this wasn't at all a problem - my mom was kind and loving, she adored her grandchildren, and she was really a delight to live with. She never interfered in our marriage or gave an opinion that was unasked for. And still, when she grew ill with congestive heart failure, I found myself at times resenting the hell out of the situation we were both in. I realize how selfish this must make me sound, especially to those here who have been taking care of nightmarish parents, but I want you to understand what I'm trying to convey.
Once you are in the apartment, separate space or no, every time your mom goes to the doctor, or ends up in the ER, she is going to get asked the same question - "Who do you live with?". Every. Single. Time. And it's not because the medical staff are interested in this sweet old lady's life, but so they can check "no" on the check-off box that asks if this person represents an "unsafe discharge". They will NOT ask YOU how things at home are going. They will NOT ask YOU if you are ready, willing and able to be mom's caregiver. They will simply ASSUME that because you share an address and share DNA, you are a willing participant in all things care-giving. Trying to convince them that you aren't able to - for whatever reason - care for mom will fall on deaf ears - or worse, you will forever get the BS about "we can get you help".
When the cardiologist convinced my mom to try a Milrinone drip to help stave off the effects of CHF, he told us both "A nurse will be sent to the house to infuse you, like once a week". We agreed to try it, mom had the procedure to have the medi-port put in place, and the night she was being discharged we were told by the nursing staff that no, this was a 24/7 continuous drip, and *** I *** would be responsible for changing the medication and maintaining the machine. This wonder drug that was supposed to make her quality of life so much better was like an albatross, and after my mom literally hog-tied herself to her walker with the picc line - twice - she declared it to be a "pain-in-the-a**" and told her doctor to take her off if it. She entered hospice that day and passed peacefully 8 weeks later.
I don't know what your impetus for moving in with mom might be, but with the way you describe your mom and your relationship with her, you might want to re-think this particular plan and come up with a different one. You move in, and either mom becomes more reckless because you're there and now she has built in support, or mom steps completely back and expects you to do every little thing that needs to be done. The best-case scenario you can hope for is mom stays the same way she is now, which doesn't seem like a very good living arrangement for you.
We have quite a few autoimmune conditions in my family, and I do know that stress does a number on them, causing all kinds of flare-ups. Please, reconsider this idea of living in the same house as mom.
My Mom is 95 and up until about 5 years ago would go out and attempt to shovel her driveway (here in MN) in the dark, without asking me (I literally live next door to her). I just decided I wasn't going to get myself or my long-suffering husband out of bed that early to try and beat her to it. I got her a pair of easy to get on winter boots and put Yak Traks on them and she never went out to shovel without wearing them. It's as much as we could do without physically stopping her. She liked "the exercise".
If you are her financial PoA then I would go to her bank with the paperwork and get yourself joint on her accounts. Take most of her cash out of her checking and put it in her savings. Do not give her a debit card, only a credit card with low credit limit. Put a freeze on her credit (she doesn't need a credit score at her age). And do not get roped into any of her plans.
My Mom's recent bouts of paranoia are the hardest for me to deal with as it makes managing her affairs a lot trickier. There is no fix for this. You will need to decide your boundaries. As time goes on she will become less and less manageable as she loses more and more of her logic, reason, empathy for people (you), judgment, etc.
Does she have neighbors that you can use as "boots on the ground" should something happen to her and you can't get there right away? I used to secretly hide the key to my in-laws house right outside and had a nice neighbor do wellness checks on them.
Like I mentioned I live in MN and it's extremely rare to hear about any snowblower accidents (if that's what worries you about her buying one). If she wears her Yak Traks that's half the battle. This is where you through your hands in the air and say, "It is what it is" and let the chips fall where they may.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you practice your boundaries.
The grand plan was I would move in this June. To an apartment with separate utilities and kitchen. I could not share space with her. The amount of time she spends worrying about turning out lights -it is exhausting. The tenants have a dog who needs to go out at night-she doesn’t think the light should be on all night for them. She has shut outside lights off while tenants were outside…I suspect many times. And she is just mad that people leave the lights on. All of the lights are updated. It is not worth hours of arguing and wrong-making.
My biggest problem is the lack of a support system for her. Because she is so suspicious. She didn’t want me to let family know my Dad passed. I had gotten closer to some of my cousins and my aunt but I feel like I can’t contact them. She wouldn’t let me write obituary-no funeral or service (sad for my kids).
Maybe this is a canary in a coalmine situation—and I am more than ankle deep in dementia but its been difficult with her secrecy and paranoia since I was in elementary school. Honestly, its worse but always been like this. She doesn’t join groups or have friends because “something always happens.” People have no clue they have critically ticked her off.
The really nutty thing is that everywhere we go-people are great and friendly. But, you see the world through your own lens. She has forgiveness issues.
We have checked out the senior center and been to an activity and signed up to ho back next month. I need to go with her though. Babysteps.
Given our sidewalks in such bad repair a walk to the library is enough to do me in and on Saturday I took (another) fall; we elders trip and cannot recover balance. I will say one thing about the snow blower: if the weight isn't too bad, it will help her keep balance because of the need for handlebars IF this model is stable and grounded, rather than handheld in the air.
You know, the truth is there isn't much you can do about this.
I think that you should gently tell her your fears: ask her to hill you out while you tell her that at her age a fall can mean her independence.
I wonder all the time when the hip will bust on one of my crash-and-burn outings. It is inevitable. I think that we elders DO consider these things, but dismiss them. We see everything as just one more loss.
After you have spoken with her and explained your fears about balance, weight, slips, broken hip (falls are often the beginning of the end and was for my own mom; as a retired RN I guarantee it eventually; at least the end of independence)--you have just to sit back and wait for "the call". I would tell her THAT as well. And then you will say "She made her choices" and then it is either care centers or coffin.
Sadly, with someone independent, it is up to them (us) as are all choices, good and bad, while we are "competent". It is poor decision making, this; no question of that. But little can be done after you reasonably discuss it with her.
Do not help her, at all, to carry out this silly fantasy she is clinging to. Not with shoveling snow, not with household repairs, not with general household work, not with dealing with tenants, not with anything.
Just wait for the inevitable disaster that will force her the needed change.
Now that they are in an apartment with a maintenance person he literally "hunts down" the maintenance guy after I put a request in online. He says "I'm going to go hunt him down" and he wanders around looking for him, the poor guy must hate when he sees him coming.. So if this has always been part of her personality idk if it's dementia.
I know your question was about if anyone else had more compromised health than their parent but your post struck a very familiar chord with me...!!!
But yeah, definitely don't move up there if it can be helped for your own sanity. Wishing you peace.
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