Mom needs to go to facility as she is suffering from dementia but dad doesn't want her to go. She's miserable and blames him for everything. She has been saying that she wants an apartment of her own and wants a divorce for over a month. Her memory is getting worse, she's fixated on him and his issues, she needs help bathing and medicine control. He says he doesn't think it's that bad and isn't ready to spend the money. But then he keeps coming to us for help and complaining that he's struggling dealing with her. She has caregivers at home but still wants to move out. What rights do us children have if he won't cooperate? We just want the best care for her.
Dementia robs people of their reason and logic, and therefore, their judgment. This is why she needs a PoA, or a legal guardian -- someone to act in her best interests when she cannot. Just because she wants something doesn't mean she should have it.
You and your family should not be "assumed" into caregiving. If you are constantly orbiting around them then this solution isn't working. Her needs will only get worse. Your father should consult with an elder law attorney or estate planner who will guide him about how to protect funds for his own future care. Selling their house and downsizing may be one way. Talking to a Medicaid Planner for their home state is another.
You and your siblings have the right to not be pulled into this ongoing home care. But you'll have to be brave and tell your Dad "no" and then live with the outcome until he sees it isn't doable.
You have also the right to tell him that she wishes to go and that the funds are there for her to go, and that if she stays with him then you will not enable this situation by helping him.
That will be some tough love that may hurt her as well, and you are going to have to find a way to keep an eye on things without keeping an eye he will notice.
You can feel free to discuss with APS, with his doctor, though you will be aware that the doctor cannot discuss with YOU. I do think his and her doctor will find a way to "communicate" with you if he feels that you are right in your thinking, but again, if Dad is the POA, next of kin, and he doesn't wish to have her in care, then you will need to await "the call" when he can't go on, when she is in the hospital, or he is, or worse.
I am so sorry. You are correct in this. But the law is on his side.
Poor dad, so sad. He'll have to figure things out for himself, won't he? A good husband wants what's best for his wife, doesn't withhold money that would help her, and would show some empathy. He must have flunked husband class.