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excuse the way all this is typed im jst so hurt upset .the past week I hadn't phoned my mom I was dealing with my own med. issues .I called her dr. to make appointment she was due I got a very cold response ,I jst let it go ,called my mom to let her know adt appointment. when she told me she had called dr office to see if she had a appointment they told her no(which is wayyy out of the ordinary for her I have to do everything for her) they asked her she sz what was the problem so she sd she had to tell them she fell and her leg was all black. I couldn't believe it because im the one she call right away for the littlest thing ,she sd the dr sent over a social worker to see what was goinh on at the house and the social worker made a report ,then a doctor came to the house she sz he told her her leg was broken ???? but she was not sent to hosp.or any other med. treatment and he told her her heart was not good I asked if he did a ekg no jst listened to her heart ??? but jst last month I took her to her cardio he did the relax stress test with pix he sd her heart was great. I was so upset I asked why didn't she call me abt her fall she sz oh I did ,I explained I have been home due to my med. issue plus if I hadn't been home I have answer machine,she has my cell number ,I have caller id no calls from privet caller showed no my phone and plus she could have tried back .we she didn't respond other then to tell me I could have called her and aske mama how are u mamma what is going on (ok its my fault as usual) not only all that my daughter lives in the same house granted they don't talk due to grandma wanting to control my daughters life at 43 yrs old but that's a whole other issue.i want to call dr and see what is going on but I don't know if I should call social worker ,my daughter found card today .I jst cant understand why my mother would do this ,ive been there for her all these years regardless how she has treated me and one week that I don't contact her she goes this far when I was not even aware of what had happened to her. I call social worker will they even talk to me because my mom stated they would not speak to anyone till they have there findings. what I don't have the opportunity to say anything. I jst feel how could my own mother do this to me and make be out to be so terrible, been dealing with her my whole life as a child her physical abuse,verbal abuse even now as an adult (she hates me she wished she never had me she cant stand me get out of her house ) this is all afer drs. appointments grocery shopping taking her out for lunch. I have and half brother and half sister my brother sz better me than him my sister hasent had contact well over 13 ysr,we all received the same thing growing up from her even through my brother wasn't hit like my sister and myself. ive been reading anout narcissism it describes my mother to a T,no one escaped not even my father towards the last part of his life she tricked him into signing over the house to her they she had him living in his truck he couldn't go into the house even to use the restroom he had a bucket in the back of garage,it was winter,summer didn't matter he live in his truck. then I had to put him in a assisted living she didn't want him on her property (I was supposto be his loving daughter but I didn't do anything I have to live with it ) Drs tell me to distance my self from her but she has a hold on me I cant if I don't stay who will she have. but now this how can I defend myself no one is neglecting her or abuseing her.

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Oh, MaryMo, I am sorry to hear of your plight. I pray you and your children receive the help and reprieve you need and that joy would abound in your family. Regarding your mother, are there other family members who can step up? You have SO much on your plate right now. Set strong boundaries and stick to them. Your Mom sounds like she has been difficult for a long while. Hire other caregivers and distance yourself from her. Your own children need you.
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They have Bardet Biedl syndrome, they are obese, but are not terrible overeaters. They are actually thinner for those with BBS, but still heavy. I actually purchased the paleo diet cookbook a month ago - we are working towards that as a goal! :)
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@marymo - regarding your children, how very difficult. Highly consider a paleo diet for your children. Their obesity will only bring further complications - and more later in life.
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My M in law is with us and is experiencing dementia. She has never had a good filter, and now with NO filter she is just mean and suspicious. She is especially mean to my 2 young daughters, (20 and 12) who are disabled. Both are blind, developmentally and cognitively challenged and obese. She calls them fat and lazy. I believe she is just jealous of them because they take up my time - time she feels belongs to her. She accuses us of getting into her bank account, even though we never do any more than prepare her checks to sign so her bills are paid. Her next stop is a home - no one else will allow her to live with them. A sad end to a hard life.
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HI ,I'm sorry you're having to deal with this mess. Like many of us here your mom is much less than a wonderful sweet old lady.You may want to check out mikegamble.website toolbox. Google "defensive caregiving" I recommend this for anyone with lying manipulative parents. Remember there is no limit to what they will say or do in an effort to manipulate out even if you're about to die from stress and exhaustion. They will try to manipulate you that much harder. I've grown up with this type of mother and never had any idea of the depths she would stoop to until a few years ago when I stopped letting her jerk me around. They are good at trying to use family, strangers and authority figures to make you jump through their hoops. They do not care about how sick you are or anything else..The way they see it is that you are there not to have your own life but to sacrifice your life serving them no matter what. My mother will be going to a nursing home soon because I am really not able to take care of her the way she needs. I keep her clean ,dried, and fed but because I am unable to lift her due to back injury she stays in the bed unless she is going to the doctor.She has no bed sores at this time. That's enough about my issue. To get back to yours, do look into defensive care giving,the butt you save may be your own.OH and if you find you need a lawyer, get one of your own don't use your mother's because he is looking out for her best interest not yours.when you need one looking out for yours.Been there and done that when mom was letting predators live in her house and take advantage of her. POA was useless as she "had her right mind" when she really didn't. Do not feel guilty when you have to look after your health after all parents like these will use you up and then try to manipulate you to get even more out of you. They are unmerciful when it comes to what they want and the heck with your needs. They honestly believe you are there to serve them.
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Good idea to take a recorder.
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Wow, I feel for you as a lot of us are or have gone through the same. I know I have.. my mom is like heckle/jeckle, you never know what you'll get till the first few words she speaks...but the switch up is so fast I'm always on guard, due to the fact she has attacked me twice. Even though I don't live w/and never again can, she's still a big handful.. Just last week I took her on her doc appt and all was good, she knew I had just bought her a supervised plane ticket to CA to visit relatives (she was all excited). 2 days later at the doc appt, she tells doc she's thinking about not going on trip due to the fact she thinks my bro and I will sale her house while she's gone , and she needs Adult Protective Svcs to come to her house. Personally I don't care if they come or not, my mom has told so many whoppers to me, judge, bro, lawyers and fam...I got so much evidence that her mind is going that I could care less about Prot..Svcs coming out and listening to more of her lies. It still hurts but it's a routine now, I still lose it time to time just thinking about how bad it's gotten, but I just keep on keeping on. I too have bought a recorder to record some of our conversations since mom lie on me so much these days...All in all I still know it's the demensia, skizophenia, and paranoa going on w/her...but yes, it still hurt, and I still front like it don't. I think we'll both be alright.. "Take Care, and God Bless You"
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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I have gone through the same thing with my Mom. It is very hurtful and care professionals treat you like you have leprosy. Not to worry. The best you can do is give her and the care professionals some time to see for themselves what she's like. Step back and take some time for yourself. I sent my Mom some flowers to hospital and that seemed to help.
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I wouldn't call the social worker. Let them work through the process, investigate and then contact you. You can then give your side of the story. I wouldn't get into all the history you did her. Try to just start writing a list of the doctors you've contacted, dates, appts, etc. and other caregiving you have provided.

A social worker or APS should be able to evaluate all parties, including the doctor's assessment and mom's mental health.

If you have nothing to hide, and neighbors, doctors or your siblings can vouch for you -- that will all count.

During this time, do not have contact (phone, visit, or otherwise) with Mom. If she calls you and says she needs help; tell a little white lie and say "Mom, since you reported me to dr or social worker, (name whoever she supposedly contacted); I have been advised that I can't visit or help you until they give me their okay in writing". "Sorry, if you need help, call 911, hospital or someone else; I"m not allowed to see you."

It won't be easy, but this is the reality check she needs to know she can't take advantage and abuse those who try to help her.

Stay strong; keep away in the meantime. If this is all a hoax, and she hasn't really contacted anyone; then still stay away (at least 30 days or more) and let her find help elsewhere. You need to de-stress in the meantime and set some boundaries no matter what happens in the future with mom for your health and sanity.
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Really cant imagine ANYONE controlling you ferris? And here again a woman in a desperate state looking for help and support and all you can do is point out her grammar mistakes gosh i really do feel sorry for you!
Typing fast in a very distressed state we all make typos but you just had to point that out how SAD?
6 people found your answer helpful I found it as usual patronising makes me wonder about the 6 that agree with you. Sorry I will say no more just get really miffed by your sort you make my blood BOIL!
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Im sorry for you BUT you need to get away from this woman and get therapy a person can only hurt you if you let them and its seems she has hurt you even before she got ill. My mum was a good mum until she delveloped dementia thats why I will look after her now but had she abused me before this I would walk away and talk to someone about why you are letting her hurt you?

I hope it works out for you! xx
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I feel for you, your dealing with a beast, some say your a doormat, I say you're a good person with a good heart. You absolutely deserve better. I too am a doormat, I put up with my mom in laws crap. I also am in the position of being the one stuck with caring for her. Its easy for someone to tell you to send her to hell but your good heart won't allow her to be without anyone. Take this forum to vent, know you're not alone, do the best you can. She will never give you the credit you deserve, mean spirited people never do, she plays the emotional blackmail card when she doesn't get her way. Believe me you've earned your place in heaven ten fold, try not to expect her to be anything but the beast she is , no expectations, no disapiontments is a sanity tool that I use with family members. I hope you can find a tolerable situation for yourself. No judgement, just understanding. I wish you the best, you certainly deserve it.
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Try to set up an appointment to see the Social Worker, and take receipts, your calendar, neighbors' statements, etc, anything you have to prove you take care of your mother. I was in a similar situation, after years of my caring for my Mom, she had gone home for a couple days (against mine and her doctors' wishes) and had a mini-stroke, and Social Workers got involved, which IS their job. So don't be upset with them. I was fortunate, in that the doctors, hospital and other healthcare providers had known me for years and knew I always cared for her, bringing her to the office, sitting with her in the hospital, seeing she was getting the proper care and tests, asking questions, you name it, I was there every single day. Also, Mom lived in a small, tight community and you can bet when the Social Workers asked them about the situation, they got an earful of "how wonderful I was" because I was always over at Mom's, or coming by to get her, etc. They had a totally different take on my brother who never stopped by or checked on her. So I was lucky, he wasn't (not that they did anything to him because I was doing everything). Hopefully, you will be as fortunate as I was and her doctors and neighbors will attest to you doing everything for your Mother despite how horrible she has been to you. Trust me, neighbors carry a lot of weight! So does the doctor's office, so don't let this fester, go by and talk to them to see if your Mother's been telling them lies, and request she undergo a mental evaluation. She could be developing dementia and a narcissistic personality with dementia can be dangerous, not just in doing underhanded things like this, they can be physically dangerous as well. (Where were the social workers when her husband was living in his truck? I'd be sure to quietly mention that in a non-threatening or accusatory way.) God Bless YOU for sticking in there, despite what your Mother has done. But, remember, God helps those who help themselves, and after you get out from under this false accusation, you need to let the social workers know that you will no longer be responsible for your Mother's care, that your own Mental, Emotional, Medical and Physical needs are going to have to take precedence and ask them to take over her care. They will assign her a case worker who will assume responsibility. Wash your hands of her, you don't owe her anything, she wasn't a Mom to you, so you have no obligation to be the doting daughter.
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Flcreyes, it's been a few days since you posted this, but I thought I'd give you my two cents. Sounds like your mother is trying to punish you for taking a few days for yourself. Sounds all too familiar to me. My sisters and I take care of our parents, and we take GOOD care of our parents - much better than they did on their own. Yet whenever an outsider comes to the house - home health care, lab tech, physical therapist, etc., - my mother uses it as a chance for her to have a pity party and complain about how badly we treat her, and how she wouldn't need the outside assistance except that we did something to hurt her or we wouldn't allow her to see a doctor, etc. BS. The last time she started in, I went into her room, with the outsider present, and calmly stated that if she truly believes we are not taking adequate care of her, and if she is telling the truth that we are abusive to her or not allowing her to get medical care, etc., then she should say so right now, or forever hold her peace. Then the outsider will contact the proper authorities and they will find a long-term-care facility for her and we can have her moved there by the end of the week, where she will have PROFESSIONAL caregivers 24/7. So what will it be, Mom? At this point she looked down, pressed her lips together and didn't say anything. I pushed her and said, "Mom? What do you want to tell the nice nurse?" She said, "Never mind."

As I walked out to her car with her, the nurse told me they get this a LOT with elderly people who are being cared for by their kids. She said they do it to outsiders as well. They just want to have a pity party, have someone feel sorry for them. Still, I encouraged the nurse to call in the proper authorities if she believed any of what my mom told her. She said no, because she knew from her medical records that my mom sees her doc regularly and has home health care people coming in periodically. There were no signs of abuse or neglect, and she knew from the ambulance records that since the daughters took over caring for my folks they rarely needed to call for lift assistance anymore.

Reading your story about what your mother alleges, I know for a FACT that if she had broken her leg, she'd have been taken to the hospital. Even if she fell and bruised her leg badly, you'd still be able to see the bruises after a week. If the social worker believes there is neglect, she'll be sure to call you and interview you. Worst case, they'll put your mother in a nursing home for her own protection. But you have your phone records and your daughter's testimony to back up your story, so don't worry about being accused of anything. The social workers see this all the time with the elderly.
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You have suffered so much mental emotional and physical abuse from your mother all your life and it needs to stop. My heart goes out to you. I agree with Farrah that she has mental issues and an inability to love anyone in her family. You need to push all that emotional stuff aside as much as possible and deal with the facts in order to straighten out the mess. Ferris1 basically 'cut to the chase' with her very objective contribution and I think she is spot on with her advice. I also agree with StandingAlone that your mother deserves nothing more from you. I don't think anyone will find you at fault after they learn all the facts on her. You really need to adopt a no nonsense approach with your Mom. If you choose to give up any responsibility for her care and well-being, so be it. If not, then if I were in your shoes, I would just see to it that all her basic personal and medical needs were met, and that's it. I would not hesitate to have her psychologically evaluated and put her into a facility if that is what the professionals recommend. Then you can wash your hands of her daily care, and go live your life and begin to heal. God Bless you and Good Luck.
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Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Sounds like she's experiencing mental illness or dementia. It hurts like hell to have your own parent say such mean things to you. Remember what you've done for her and realize you need to care for yourself, too. She may have been mad that you weren't doing what she wanted to do while you recovered, and decided to get even, or just was confused because of her mental state. It's easier to say than do, but try and put a bit of space between her and you; help however you can, but live your life, too.
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It sounds very much like Mom is trying to punish and scare you because you went a week wtihout calling her. OMG. OK - deep breath - no, if she'd broken her leg rather than just bruised it, she would have been taken to ER. What she says makes no sense because it is nonsense, period. Yes, you can call the social worker, and no, they won't be bamboozled by someone alleging neglect over an injury they are blowing out of proportion when you were not even over there, and there IS another adult in the home as well. You did not commit anything resembing neglect except in your mom's bitter fantasies or schemes. Rest easy, and maybe the social worker can help you makes some kind of plans that make sense...you are the one with some sense, compassion, and judgement in this situation, not mom, and you don't have to go on letting her behavior tear you up like this.
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Seems like most of our Moms are like this! I finally stopped talking and going over to my Mom's because how she was treating me and my sister(there are 6 of us but we were the main care givers--NOT the POA) anyway my blood pressure has went down and I feel so much better. It was hard to get through the "guilt" that something might happen to her..but it hasn't.
I let Mom call me now which is far between from what I did with her(daily) but this is another controlling part of my Mom.
flcreyes , I would suggest you do the same thing. It will change your life plus make you feel better about yourself and helps your medical condition. Hugs your way!
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Yes, yes, yes....I also see many of the characteristics of my own mother here. As primary caregivers for them, we not only experience remnants of our dysfunctional relationship (if we had one) but the personality and deterioration of the mind that goes along with dementia/alzheimers. It is a DAILY challenge to deal with their care, their mental decline, protection for them ( I have removed cooking ability and added Meals on Wheels) and don't forget your own self care. I have made sure my legal protections are in place (i.e Power of Attorney, Advance Directives, wills, name on property title deed, name on bank accounts). I also have all calls directed toward me and handle the mail and pay bills automatically. At one point, when my mother's driving privileges were taken, she was calling organizations to report senior abuse. I/we had to call them and give them information on my mother's condition and they noted it for future reference. She called the sheriff's office to report that the car was stolen and had to deal with that. I've had her ability to call the information number 411 blocked. Little by little, those things have settled. It takes courage, strength, support (family/community/legal), patience and forgiveness for self and your loved one. Breathe friend.
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Honey, you need to do some deep work within yourself. Your Mom has mistreated you for YEARS and you have all allowed it. Her heart is a heart of stone. Now, here is what I'd do - contact a church in your area to see if a pastor or some church ladies can visit and pray over her. She needs Jesus. You do, too, if I may say so.

We can't change another person. We can only change ourselves and pray for others, serving them when possible.
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Now you know what all your good works have accomplished. Nothing. Your mother still treats you like property and you allow her to use you like a doormat. Time to break free of her hold on you and you get a life. She's controlling your life and she will say and do anything to make you comply including telling lies about the care you have given her. Don't buy into her game. Write a letter to her doctor (with correct punctuation) stating your position as to what happened, didn't happen, your side of the story, etc. and if/when you are contacted by a social worker with APS, you will have your facts as you see them. Do not allow anyone to tell you your mother's claims are true (if in fact they are not). Get as many supporting documents, friends to back up your side and then rest your case. Stop allowing your mother to control you! My mother was controlling, but I would not allow her to run my life. Good luck!
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Wow!! I also believe we have the same mother! I could share some stories. But you are not alone. My mom is now in a NH due to her behavior because I could no longer have my children subject to her behavior. I just came home from the NH in tears last night and after seeing your post I felt better in know ing Im not alone and you should too. It's not easy seeing our moms this way and it soes xause alot of resentment. I too was told to try distancing myself and comeless during the week in hopes she would miss me and we would have better quality visits..but NOPE! Nothing works. I too have made voice recordings unfortunately for my own protection as she already reported my 2 sisters and they are being investigated. It is such a tough situation where we still want moms love and approval but are not getting it and it leaves you feeling resentful. My momabsolutely hates being in the NH and is so manipulative..she keeps reporting the aides saying they beat and rape her. Imagine if she was still in my home with my family accusing me of that. It is very stressful for all involved and we just need to be strong, but I would honestly suggest trying to get some sort of VNA involved. They have helped me in so many ways in the past and they have good social workers that will come to the house and speak with you both and evaluate the whole situation. They determined my mom was too much for me and even broke the news to her that she had to go to the NH so she wouldnt blame me..although she still does and every visit is absolutely miserable but they helped me get a huge part of my life back.
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My heart goes out to you. So many of us have lived through or are continuing to live through this dysfunctional type of relationship. When I finally gave myself permission to distance myself from this form of emotional abuse; I realized that I had no control over what my mother said, did, complained about or the lies she would tell about me. It is difficult to reach this conclusion and for me, keeping a distance was the answer. Letting go of life-long guilt imposed by a mentally unstable person is not easy.

You know what you know about the situation. And no one else really knows what we go through when we are the only one caring for our parent. If you can emotionally distance yourself, even in her presence. I was not always successful at doing this, but as time went on, I learned to ignore what she said and to not respond to most of what she said. It is not personal, even though it sounds sooo personal and feels that way too; it is the result of a form of mental illness. At leaset that was my experience. Hugs to you across the miles.
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Let her die alone. The end.
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You're hurt and upset about how could your mother do this to you..... and yet she's been hurtful your whole life. You sound like you have spent your life trying to "get it right" -- to be SO GOOD that she can't complain, because you have given her no cause for complaint. You have to understand that you cannot be good enough to keep her from saying bad things if she feels like getting attention that way. You could be Mother Teresa and she might still pull a maneuver like this. You could donate her your kidney and she can still complain. There is a part of you that -- very reasonably -- expects there to be some connection between you doing good stuff and her acknowledging that you do good stuff. That part of you is blown away by the feeling that it makes no sense!!!! when you do good stuff and she says bad stuff. And you're right -- it makes no sense. It's time for you to see that your actions don't actually control what comes out when she flaps her jaw. You just discovered (probably not for the first time!) that there is nothing you can do that is so good that she can't complain or twist it into something bad. You're hooked by trying to please her. No matter how old we are, there is more growing-up to do. It's going to be YOUR growth frontier to realize this and get unhooked.
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Wow I believe we have the same mother! It's very hard to deal with a person who is mentally ill they tend to get abusive and love to manipulate others as well that's why I do agree with farahwonderland on keeping a journal I also voice record her on my phone when she makes threats or acts nuts . I do it for my protection! Only other thing to do is to put it into Gods hands and ask for wisdom and understanding and learn to deal with her the right way with love not anger ;)
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Your mom really has some mental issues going on; the biggest being lack of love toward her family members. I have suffered much of the same you described. My mom took me off the house deed but her lawyer wanted to speak with me first. When I gold him our stressful situation and how mom behaves erratically, he told me to keep a journal of the strange and bizarre things she says and does. Yes, HER lawyer told me to keep a long on her. After she got over her snit and wanted to put me back on the deed, I had to pay $60 to have my name restored.

It sounds like your mom lives alone and I was surprised about that. I also sounds like she is so dependent on you that you receive all of her harsh judgement. I relate totally. My mom has depended on me for absolutely everything except her personal utilities, for 9 years. I am the nurse, housekeeper, cook, mechanic, handyman, gardener, driver, appointment setter, banker, you name it..... and I do it ALL WRONG! We can't have one day without her fussing or making some dig at me.

You mom sounds like a worrier like mine. She thinks she has to double check everything --- was the doctor appointment made, is this on the shopping list, when do I take my next pill?

When we finally got some services, it took some of the burden off me. For awhile, we had a visiting nurse but now that's not necessary so we have Comfort Keepers companion care. They bathe her and keep her company while I'm in class. I've even stepped out of her comfort zone and taken a day for BINGO. Does me great and now even mom likes to wish me luck and ask me how much I won when I get home. She usually hates for me to leave the house and always reminds me to bring my phone. Then she wants me to call her every hour so she knows I'm still alive.

The best advice I can give you is to get services. Does your mom cook or does she need Meals on Wheels? When you make doctor appointments, reassure her that everything is all set. Read her mail and bank statements to her. Let her know that all bills are paid. Every morning at breakfast, I go over the weeks calendar with mom. We go over same days again and again because she forgets. If she has to fast for blood work, I remind her two days before and then the day before three times and then before bed. She needs this reassurance and I'm on top of it.

You asked if a social work will speak with you. If you are named in your mom's complaint the social MUST talk to you. He/she will want to interview you. Just tell how your mom behaves and if you have a journal, it will carry weight for your side.

Hope that helps you. God bless. Take Care.
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