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My 96 year old mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. She lives with my sister and I visit every week. Mom knows who I am when I visit but after a few hours she starts talking to me as if I am her cousin. When I try to tell her I am her daughter, she doesn't believe me and says that I am trying to confuse her. If I go along with her and let her believe I am her cousin, she talks to me about things that happened when they were young and asks me questions that I can't answer. Then she becomes agitated that I don't remember these events from her past.

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Raven, I can definitely sympathize! We had a flood in the basement two years ago and of course something like water lines and driveway being replaced cannot be hidden from them. They take so looong... It took nearly four months to deal with the flood aftermath. Everything from the basement was stored in a storage unit on the street. It was extremely difficult.

The flood is kind of a funny story now, so..
I had been here taking care of my mom in her home for about one week when this happened. Was getting ready to take a shower went to turn on the water, the faucets were hard to turn. Well, it ended up coming off in my hand with old faithful coming out of the wall. I ran around the basement looking for the shut off for a couple minutes, couldn't find it so called 911. Fire responded with 6 crew, they also looked for the shut off, couldn't find it, ended up turning it off at the street. They then helped me to clean up most of the water then left. This all covered over about 45 minutes. About 5 minutes after they left, mom woke up. She slept through the entire thing, sirens, 6 firefighters up and down, cleaning up the water, etc. I guess there are some good things to say about hearing loss. LOL.

So lesson learned, bathroom fixtures will break, particularity in a 60 year old house. Getting new fixtures is normal household maintenance.
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I do have to say that Mom's behavior became much better after we instituted medication. I will say that it is not perfect, far from it, we do still have problems but it is manageable enough that I am no longer thinking I am going to have to put her in a nursing home because I can no longer handle the situations. She does still ask at least 20 times a day if the dog has been fed, but that is down from 50 times, she looks for her medication and then gets mad when i tell her it is locked up due to her self medicating, which she denies and gets angry about. We just had to have our sewer line replaced and in the process they dug up the cement entryway to the house which had to completely removed and then we were told that we had some other issues so it led to us having our huge driveway ripped out entirely and they were ripping out roots and ripped out our water line in the process, (so we have had a great time lately), but try to hide all this from a mother who goes in and out of lucid moments. She found out what was going on and began asking how it was going to be paid for, she didn't have the money, where is her checkbook, who told them to rip it all up, who is going to pay for it, she doesn't have the money, over and over and over.

I told my sister there are some issues you do NOT discuss with her because it sends her into this cycle over and over and it drives you crazy, so you just have to keep it to yourself.

If any of you have loved ones with all these problems that we have been talking about but they are not medicated, you need to see a gerontologist and get them on medication, it will help them and in the process you as well.
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In answer to the one who said Mom got agitated where her little children were. The memory care place where my Mom lives handles this by saying oh, you forgot so and so has them today or so and so has them for a visit. they get a name from the family so they are saying a person's name the loved one would remember as being all right to have the children. There is another lady there that is always trying to round-up kids for one reason or other (she was a teacher once upon a time) and get anyone visiting to help her. The care givers will come up and tell her oh you don't have to worry about them the police rescued them or they were already picked up by a bus. Whatever fits the situation. It works until she wants she needs to round up another batch of kids for some other reason but it is usually the next day before that happens.another day by then.
Yesterday when my Dad and I visited she told the care giver who got her out of her room we were her Mom and Dad. Later she said it was her Dad and sister but still later she knew who we all were and said my one sister was the only missing one. She was right the rest of us were there. You gotta go with the flow. Sometimes she knows me, sometimes she doesn't but she does know she loves me and I love her.
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My parents are 92 and live in own home, and I thought they were ok other than minor memory problems and eccentricities. Until earlier this year when my father 'accidentally' revealed to me that they had changed their Wills and I would no longer get their house (after Wills had stood for 20 years!). My father proceeded to get angry. Insisted he had told me 2 years earlier. Later he verbally attacked me and effectively shredded me. My mother joined in, and apparently they can do what they like, and anyway I am a naughty girl for objecting (i am 60). My brother and his wife have poisoned their minds against me and extracted a sum of money from my susceptible old parents for their struggling business (amount of which is none of my business). I got up to walk out and was told 'never to come here again' and 'we dont need your help' and my mother just stood by and did nothing. I havent spoken to them for five months! I have had a nervous breakdown, and their only relatives (mum's sister and husband) believe they dont have dementia! So, I have been villified, humiliated, ridiculed and made to feel like naughty child, and my Mum has lost a loving daughter. A horror story! Their personalities changed at a stroke and I am in a living nightmare! Lovely!
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I have just answered this question but it has not appeared?
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You have to go along with it, agree with everything they say, in 6 minutes they forget it anyway. Dont take it personally and dont make them feel bad and get more confused by being right. Be the best you can be, with theraputic lies, you've got a long way to go.
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avoid experiencing mothers wrath in presence of others
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Raven, I also hope to experience mother's wrath in the presence of others. But we has had this sort of thing happen at home. When she thinks I am someone else I go along with it. However a few times when she is looking for her little girls and worried about their safety she has become quite angry. If I can handle her for just another 30 minutes all is fine, these become Xanax nights.
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Just a few days ago my mother asked me where Raven sat at the table. I said, "You mean me?" She replied, "NO, I said where does RAVEN, sit at the table?" I do have to admit it took me by surprise and I was stunned for a minute but I just said to her, "Mom I am RAVEN and I sit right here." She said, "Oh, okay, well here is your mail." That was the end of the conversation. I think or hope that if or when it gets to the point that she does not know me at all, that she will just accept me for whomever she thinks I am.

One day in the doctors office I heard a woman yelling at her grown daughter, that she "had to go home to her children." The daughter replied, "Mom I am your daughter." The woman almost spat back at her "You are no one to me, you are a stupid woman who will not take me home to my children!" That killed me for this daughter, not only that her mother did not know who she was, but that she was so angry and horrible to her daughter. I hope I never experience that to that degree!
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krusso, I understand exactly how you feel. I am taking my mom's demise very, very hard. I've lost 15 pounds and started a couple of other unhealthy habits because the pain is so great. And also my mom would vent all of her frustrations on me as well because most of the time she knows who I am while she has forgotten everyone else. I am not ashamed to admit it that as much as I get wonderful advice and compassion, it still hits hard, but I have learned to deal with it better, and I hope that time comes for you. And I'm not apologizing for how I reacted either because my mom and I were BFFs, and that even overrode our daughter-mother relationship. My mom remembers me more as her BFF because she no longer remembers that she had kids. Sometimes she thinks I'm her mother because many times I acted in that capacity too, and she doesn't remember as much anymore her own mother. So I'm a mix of more than one person to her but I'd rather be that than someone she forgot. It's all bittersweet.
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Year ago when I was a teen-ager my extended family was visiting my great grandmother who I realize now suffered from a bit of dementia. My aunt had brought her infant grand-daughter, great grandma's great great grandchild along and when the family got up to go visit the cemetery the baby was asleep. Being a teen I didn't want to go anyway so I volunteered to stay with the baby and Great Grandma. The baby woke up and Great Grandma started asking me why I wasn't nursing. (embarrassing when you are 16) and I realized she thought I was my aunt and the baby was her son. (the baby's father). She told me that he had left his play toy the last time we'd visited and went into her bedroom to retrieve it. A short time later she came out with an baby toy that was obviously from the 30's. When my aunt returned she saw the toy and asked where it had come from. I told her and she said it indeed had been her son's but he'd lost it as a infant and she'd never seen it since. Great Grandma knew where it was, though 30 years later.
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I wanted to visit my aunt, and realized she didn't know who I was, or thought I was my mother. It was hard, it was sad, but I still wanted to spend time with her because it wasn't about me. During one visit she started talking about how her mother would never let her have a dog and how she loved dogs. Yes, she did. I got permission from the staff to take our golden retriever to visit her. A well behaved golden boy who just sat and let people pet him. It was as if "he knew". On the 4th visit her face lit up and she said - I'm sorry I can't remember your name, but I know you're the nice lady with the dog. :-)
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The thing to remember is they still know they love you.
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This is just like my mother. She thinks my brother is her husband and follows him around like a little lost puppy dog (I feel terrible for him and my sister in law). She also thinks I am her sister. The other day I was in the bathroom with her and my husband called and said he was almost home, I told him we'd be dowb in a few minutes and she said "She's helping her little sister" followed by a little chuckle. I totally agree with those who say that they are just back to an earlier time and you didn't exist then. It bothered me a little at first but I got over it pretty quickly : )
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Sometimes when a parent says they had no daughter/son it's because they are back in time when they really didn't have any children. I know my Mom does it. Funny though even though she'll go back in time where she has no children she will always say my Dad is her husband, even if she tells me she is still living with her parents on the farm he's still her husband.
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Oh, I feel for you. I had worked with people with dementia and their families for four years before I experienced this personally. My mom and I traveled across the state to help my aunt move my grandmother into an assisted living. I stayed with my grandmother at my aunt's house while my mom and aunt took care of the move. I got her dinner, we visited, and I helped her get ready for bed.

Early on in the evening I realized my grandmother didn't know who I was- and boy, even though I later felt that I "should" have been prepared as a professional, as her granddaughter, my heart hit the floor and buried into the ground a few feet. It was very hard. However, as the evening went on, I went along with her assumption that I was just a "nice girl" helping her. She asked who my parents were, and I told her, "Ida and David." She said, "My Ida? So, you look upon them as your parents, huh?" I just laughed and said, "Yep! Aren't they wonderful people?" She agreed and we spent some time reminiscing- she told me about their lovely little children (not so little anymore- ha!). Even though it was sad, I loved how much her love for us poured out in her memories.

The thing was, I was able to keep my cool and was careful to not correct her or try to pull her into my reality--because I knew it wasn't her reality, and I couldn't fix it. So, I went along with the story she'd come up with regarding who I was, because this story made sense to her. If she asked me something I didn't know, I'd just say, "Oh gosh, I don't remember!" And then I'd change the subject and redirect the conversation to a safer topic. For example: she asked when my grandpa would get back from the store (he'd been dead 15 years); so I said he'd be back soon, and then suddenly "noticed" her beautiful jewelry, which was her pride and joy. We talked all about jewelry and accessories, and she quite forgot that she'd been worried about her husband.

As I said, this is very sad and one of the worst things about this awful, awful disease. But, try to take away this: Your mother remembers you as someone she loves and cares about--she just can't place exactly how or who. But you are still important to her- hold onto that as much as you can.
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Raven1 - when the n.h. called me & told me my father died, I didn't shed a tear! So I AM strong but I'm also human - when I saw mom & she told me "Dad died" I did NOT fall apart - I went along with it & told her I would see him on my way home & we'd pick her up the next morning. I'm doing the best I can here! Never cried in the n.h. but when I came home I sat on the sofa & cried a little. Not all of us can be as strong as we'd like to be. You can only do the best you can. And, my situation IS different from yours in so many ways. We have different personalities & that's just the way it is.
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Just go along with her and talk to her as she want you to.
It doesn't really matter now, you know, just not to make her feel bad about it.
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Krusso: When our parents or loved ones have this disease we just have to stay as strong as we possibly can to keep our sanity and provide the care they need day in and day out. Falling apart when something like this happens isn't what I can personally do, I am my mother's 24/7 caregiver and I do not have time to fall apart if Mom thinks I am someone else. That for me is something easier to handle than a lot of other things. I can see where you would be upset about her believing your father had just died and she needs you to pick her up the next day for his funeral. Most of the time with my mother, these episodes last for a short period of time because her memory lasts only about 10-15 minutes. My mother too kept asking me when my father would be there at the hospital to see her, I did not know how she would take it when I told her he passed away 7 years ago, it was much easier than expected.

Also I have two sisters, however the care-giving is left up to me and in the hospital I was there almost 24 hours every day. My sisters both work and are never around to be able to share these occurrences with. I am sorry you are an only child, but sometimes even when you have siblings they do nothing to help you anyway and you are still alone.
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It seems from what you say is that after a couple of hours she doesn't remember who you are. Instead of her getting agitated cause you don't know the answer, maybe if you took a walk and came back in a couple of minutes she might remember who you are. If you rather stay then you will have to wing it and make up your own version and let her correct you if she remembers, then you can use the excuse that you don't remember it was so long ago.

Best of luck with it. My mom remembers almost nothing of her past and that is sad cause I have pictures here that I have no clue who they are and only some of them have names on them.
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:Yes, sometimes it is helpful to ask who do you think I am? One time my Mom was talking to me as I was making an old family recipe. It was new to her. then she asked me what my kids were doing. (I don't have any) I said I don't have any and she said yes, you do, don't kid. So I told her I didn't know what they were doing. She looked at me and said, "You are must be losing your marbles because with 11 kids you surely have to know what at least one of them are doing now." I guess I should have and that was the first time I realized she often thought I was her sister even if she did use my name.

Another time she got really angry when we got off the phone after talking to my sister. (Mom doesn't much like talking on the phone anymore) Turns out she thought we were talking to her cousin by the same name and since we'd never known her, Mom couldn't understand why we had hogged the phone. We called my sis back and they talked for a bit. When Mom got off the phone she turned to me and said. "it's really hard to talk to someone you haven't talked to in years." My sis said she could tell Mom thought she was someone else but tried to give her some vague answers that fit. She said she didn't mind just hearing Mom to talk to her over the phone was enough..

But it does hurt at first when you know they don't know you as you. With time I have come to accept it. She still thinks of me as someone she loves and cherishes spending time with. That is enough.
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My mom started calling me Ma'am yesterday. I don't know if her hallucinations were getting in the way of her "normal" thinking or if she has gone from being in the middle stages to the late stages overnight. I thought this was a slow disease and didn't change so quickly.
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Raven1, my mom just went through the same thing except she is living with us. She kept hallucinating that various people were outside of the house waving to her.
She thought a group of young girls were one of the great grandchildren she helped to raise and chased them down the path. Scared the crap out of me when I looked and she wasn't there. She also didn't sleep for about 36 hours. It's such an odd disease. She finally crashed last night. I have no idea who is going to wake up this morning.
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My mom has been like this for about three or four months now. When I tried to tell her I was her daughter. She flat out told she had no daughter. It really hurt. But , then I thought I know who I am .She is in her space so I just let her be. It upsets her when I disagree with her. So just try to think about how much you love the person going through this . It will help .
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Raven1 I know full well my mother has dementia - well, back in the summer of 2011 I DID fall apart over that episode - I wish I was stronger but saying I CANNOT fall apart is, well...I don't know!!! We're obvouslly two very different people but - what you described with your mother is EXACTLY what happened with mine last week only I didn't witness it - her nurse called & told me - When I did see her a couple of days later, she told me "Dad died" (he died in 2009) & "please go see him on your way out" "ok, so you & Richard will pick me up tomorrow morning to go to the funeral." I actually HAD this conversation w/her Fri, Oct 11 - BTW Did I mention I'm an ONLY child & I have NOBODY there when these episodes happen?
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amott6, my Mom lives with us also and went a good year or more thinking my husband was hers. She started to call him by my dads name and hold his hand during most of supper. Some nights my husband would just put his arm around her when I asked him to if she was teary and confused and it worked. Hes the best, and that stage has passed. My husband couldnt kiss me when he got home because he did once and she got so mad! haha God Love em !!
As the alz assoc told me just treat them as thou they are the customer and the customer is always right! It works!
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Krusso: There is no reason to be offended and if you are hurt by it, just remember they are ill and are not doing this to hurt you, they just have a disease that ravages their mind and plays tricks with their memory. My mother has been my best friend all my adult years and I thought I would be horrified, but there are sooo many worse things to deal with that her thinking I was her sister was more interesting to me than earth shattering. You cannot fall apart at something like this, I just witnessed my mother having severe hallucinations, not sleeping for over 37 hours, fighting to climb out of her hospital bed, over the rails and chew off her restraints. She had more strength than I did....... That will make you want to break down!
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One time, when my mother asked when her daughter was going to come to visit, and I was standing right there, I asked her, "What does she look like?" She described me as I looked when I was 6 years old. I've thought about making a "Hello my name is" name tag with my 6-year-old picture on it to wear when I'm around her. Not sure if it would work.
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I'm sure others have said this: just play along. Leave the room for a few minutes, come back in and say, "Hi, Mom! It's me" and use your name. It might help. Be sure to get her attention first by touching her hand or something. Don't just shout from across the room. Be sure she is looking at your first. In fact, you always need to be sure you have their attention before saying or doing anything. Explain what you are going to do before you do it. Ask if it's OK. If they say no, stop and wait. Try again in a little while. It can make all the difference...trust me...this is a lesson I had to learn. I know you want to get whatever it is done NOW, but you must give your loved one time to process it. Asking again 10 or 15 minutes later in a different way can make it all OK. Be patient and kind. As hard as it is, this is what you have to do.
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My sympathies to you. I think that would be confusing and frightening to you, too.
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