My mother is 75 and her boyfriend (they had a marriage ceremony in Mexico years ago but they are not legally married ) now has severe dementia and she can't afford more than 10 hours a week of In-Home Care. His two kids are doing pretty well financially one is a lawyer and one is the dentist, but neither want to help their father financially. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid. They live in California where there's no common law. My mother lost 25% of her weight and her blood pressure has gone up all in the last year due to the stress of my stepdad and has constant hallucinating and getting up in the middle of the night etcetera etc. He needs some sort of full-time care. The question is, who is responsible to pay for it? My mother already owned her house when he moved in, but of course it has gone up in value in the last 20 years. Hoping somebody knows something about these issues, thank you.
It sounds as if your focus is on getting rid of the problem with as little financial impact on mom as possible. Is this what your mom wants? Does she truly never want to see him again? Does she just want out of the whole relationship?
That is where this scenario is headed with lawyers or mediators dividing the property value & his children not wanting the responsibility for their father's care.
When my mom became mean & ugly with her dementia, her husband called me to come get "your mother." It never crossed his mind to find a suitable place for her care. Instead he wanted to wash his hands of the whole thing & get on with his life. It just doesn't work that way. He didn't appreciate me telling him she is "your wife" & not my problem. He just wanted out!!!
Make sure your mom is very clear in verbalizing her true wants & feelings before the bridges are burnt down.
Judge Judy sure is right when she says you take all the risk in the world by not having a legal marriage, all your protection goes out the window when POA and his mom want to save themselves loss of one F* dime over "that guy's ' care, and shove him on tothe taxpayers. USE ALL his SS for his care..how's that, instead of abandoning him.
Its good you are seeing an attorney with your mom as to me you want to be in the directors chair for this drama.
If they presented themselves as a couple, presented themselves as married, sent Xmas cards or wedding gifts signed as how a married couple would do, their gonna be viewed as married if his daughter gets a real pit bull of a divorce atty.
perhaps why his London based daughter doesn’t seem overly concerned about if their “married” is cause marriage is not viewed in the UK like in the US.?
perhaps CountryMouse can add some insight as to this.
My friends in the EU, well most are couples with kids since forever and have never ever gotten married in the US traditional big church wedding, reception, name change etc. They are viewed as partners and it’s lots more fluid for how it ends or division of assets.
My family have been trained by professional
TO do this to me
May God help us
Yes, how do you know the marriage wasn't legal?
I, too, think its time for his kids to step in.
Your mom, on the other hand, can't kick him out because he has dementia.
It did just hit me that you might look into the legalities of common law marriage in their state, I don't know if that is something that the state can claim or not and even if they can I don't know if it means anything as far as the house for instance since he has never been on the deed. Still probably worth investigating maybe even consult an estate or elder attorney about all of it and how to get your (your mom's) ducks in order, you might even be able to combine the business of getting things set up for mom at the same time.
I believe that the goal is to get the man into a long-term care situation. Many of us have been through that journey. The best step I took, for my mom, was to get her to a gerontologist who got us hooked up to social workers and the networks out there that helped us through the complicated Medicaid, Miller trust, spend-down maze. I hope that CuriousSon can find a similar means to get the man into a safe place, but also away from his mom so she can be safe and can regain her own health.
This is a question of quite how much responsibility she is shirking, having agreed to it. I'd have a lot more sympathy with her point of view if she hadn't done that.
You have had it formally established that the Mexican knees-up did not constitute a marriage, have you?
Poor man, but even more poor mother! I hope you'll find the way forward very soon.
It is sad how things are going here, but it's the responsibility of the daughter who has POA to step up and handle things, as your mother clearly cannot.
Please do let us know what the lawyer advises, if you would.
Is that London UK or London US? I gather you have contact with her. She doesn't have to help him financially, but she does have the responsibility of managing his affairs which includes where he lives and the care he is getting. If she will not take that responsibility seriously, then you need to discuss with the lawyer how to proceed. As he is severely demented it is too late for another POA to be appointed. Guardianship is the next route to get the authority to act on his behalf and provide for his needs. That is expensive and a lot of work for the guardian,
Also you might benefit by visiting your local Agency for Aging and see if they have any ideas.
Good luck Let us know how you make out. This is a difficult situation,
ETA re your reply to worriedincal - check with the lawyer if evicting him in his state is advisable or would have repercussions for your mother, One route to getting him into care is if he is admitted to hospital your mother can refuse to accept him back home on the basis that she cannot provide proper care for him. Then they are obliged to find care for him. Possibly then, he could be made a ward of the state is the POA will not step in.
another idea - is your mother's PCP aware of the effect caring for this man is having on her? There might be a social worker in his office that could help;
Is your mum POA? She is ill from the work and stress. 40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. This situation needs to change quickly. Good luck in helping her. She needs that right now.