Mom will not go to assisted living, but can’t take care of a home.

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Mom will not go to assisted living, but can’t take care of a home.

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There are many responsibilities to owning a home. As we age it gets harder to do the things that are needed not to mention handling household emergencies. My mother is 97 and until now I have been her solo support. She has refused to pay for things because “she wants to leave her money to me” or repairs cost too much”. Everything from cleaning, repairs and emergencies have been on me. It’s been 20 plus years of this. Now I’m getting older myself. I live over an hour away and my grandchildren live in other states. I never get to visit because an emergency may come up. My mother refuses to move unless I take her in. I have repeatedly told her that is not an option. Now she just waits for a crisis and calls me to save her. Recently I have said no but what can I do when her basement is flooded and she needs someone to help her. There is no one else but me. I’m so tired of all this. I feel so manipulated. Boundaries, right? She always finds a way to wriggle out of them. I’ve tried talking to her but it’s useless. Tried hiring help. She fires them. Tried showing her assisted living-nope nope nope. I’ve come here so many times just to vent. I’m sorry in advance for the rant but I’m at my wits end. Her endless needs are too much for me to handle. But she refuses to believe it and just dismisses me when I tell her that. I’ve talked to her dr and social workers. They just tell me as long as she is mentally competent there is nothing I can do.

Burnout Family Caregiver Long-distance Caregiving Mom Refusing Care

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Back way off. Tell her you will be visiting your kids and grandkids. Give her the numbers for 911 and APS and tell her to call them if she has problems. Let her call a grocery delivery service if she needs groceries.

I'm assuming your are in your 70's. Take a cruise. See your kids. See your grandkids.

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Reply to brandee

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My dad wanted to move to IL or AL years ago but mother wouldn't hear of it. Dad gone, mother mentally competent but physically unable to care for the family home in which we grew up. I'd do what I could while there but always discouraged from doing much, being told she'd get to it and you have much to do yourself. True, but she wasn't physically able to do much. Were I single, I'd consider moving back there once mother passed away - declining neighborhood but a few very dear friends who cared and looked out for each other. So here is the tale of a slightly different outcome - once mother passed, put house up for sale. Young couple with children (nearby school), or empty nesters seemed most logical. I paid to keep the grass cut until closing. Realtor worked with new owner (a first-timer) on home responsibilities. Ha - what a joke - he has literally trashed what was once a well-kept older home. Should have stayed in an apartment. I no longer stop to visit with the neighbors and have to communicate by text or phone....too painful to see what they have to look at every day.

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Reply to JLyn69

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I really wish people died of something else before they died of old age --having dementia, incontinence, immobility, the list goes on -- and expecting their old children to take care of them.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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They used to die of pneumonia, tetanus , various other infections , heart attacks ( before bypass surgery was available ) etc whatever before modern medicine .

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I would not continue to enable this in any way.
You have been told your mother is competent.
She has made a decision to die in her own home, and that is almost certainly what will happen. She is 97. Would it give you more comfort if she passes in a nursing home? And if so, WHY so? That's the question you need to ask yourself.

Let your mother know that she may not be old, but that YOU are. That you cannot provide care now in emergency. Give her the number for APS and for 911 and for ambulance services. Await that call that indicates she has been transported to hospital and address it there with social services. Tell them that she may require guardianship of the state as she is refusing to move to adequate care and you cannot make her do so.

Many seniors choose to die in their own home. Looks as though your mother is doing that. I don't think you have options and you have already explored them and found that to be true. Call APS if you feel she is in need. I am sorry. But more and more I understand those who wish to be carried out their own door feet first. Guess that's what happens when you hit your 80s? My single reason for choosing care at this time would be to save my children worry.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Also, what about independent living? They have graduated levels of assistance. So when she needs more care she won’t have to move. This is what my Aunt chose for herself and she is very happy with her choice.

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Reply to JoPeep

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My mom didn’t want to either. I got her to go for a visit just to see the place. It was better that she imagined and she agreed. The other ladies were nice and were her age and she liked the place.
See if you can get her to go just for a visit, to see the place and check out the rooms and activities and dining facilities.
She might change her mind.
Good luck!

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Reply to JoPeep

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My mom is pathologically terrified of assisted living and nursing homes. She is 91 and when she was 40 her favorite aunt developed early onset dementia. She was moved to a nursing home because she was single, had only mom, and an elderly brother. The place turned out to have some bad staff who stole from her and generally neglected her. Mom was devastated when she learned what was going on. They hid it for sometime and her aunt couldn’t communicate what was going on. Now she doesn’t trust any care facilities. We’ve done all the tours, open houses, talked with people she knows who have used assisted living, etc but mom always says “that place is nice looking but I’d rather be dead than ever step foot in there as a resident. And then we rehash the entire episode with her aunt.”

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Reply to Nikki42448

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Yes, the terrible old places left their mark.

My Grandmother was appalled at talk to send her to a 'rehab' place once she found out where it was located. There are new buildings now too but the old buildings had been The Benevolent Aslyum. For the old & feeble, the ill & destitute. Patients were called *inmates* with desceiptions of "waifs, strays and physically decadent inmates, with senile decay". Then came the white-coated attendants of the 1960-70s mental health era.

Maybe this is where this notion to die in your own bed stems from? Because there are worse places to LIVE/EXIST in before you DIED.

Any family with a memory of that place was shared around the entire community for horror stories, over generations.

In fact, my Grandmother still talked of The Poor House. The threat & fear of being sent to the Poor House or Aslyum had seemed to have carried forward from ancestors in England.. back from the Victorian era or maybe way back to 1600s..!! Blimey.

Yet.. when this very Grandmother moved herself in assisted living. Literally put her house up for sale herself & choose what to take.

Now THAT was truly being independant.

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Look at it this way. What would your mother do if her basement flooded and you did not exist? Or you were in the hospital or lived in another country? Stop helping. Stop feeling sorry for her, she is counting on that. She is allowed to make her own decisions, but she must live with the consequences of those decisions. If you keep fixing things due to her stubborn behavior how you ever expect her to change?

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Reply to lkdrymom

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Exactly ,

Many of us were groomed to rescue them . It didn’t even occur to me to let them flounder on their own , until the social worker told me to stop helping .

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Tell your mom that it would be better to distribute inheritance during her lifetime. Then use the money for assistance.

She is using the money aspect for control. In fact, much of the reluctance people have about AL is about control.

Give her options, such AL or nursing home. Take her to visit one for lunch. Tell her to choose which one she wants. Then she will feel she has control to decide.

Having to help from an hour away is not sustainable, draw the line.

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Reply to Jadebonterra

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Thanks for your reply. I have tried to take her to 2 AL facilities for lunch. She would not get out of the car. I have also told her to stop firing aides because it is too much for me. She just does whatever she wants. I guess the thing that’s hard to understand is that she is a “competent” and “independent” adult that cannot be forced to do anything. I put those words in quotes because that is what doctors and social workers have told me but I know the reality of the situation. She is neither.

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Definition of irony - she wants her kids to pay all of her bills so that she can give her kids a larger inheritance.

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Reply to olddude

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My mother didn’t want to prepay for her funeral . She wanted her kids to pay for her funeral when she died . 🙄

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Sorry to say you need to step aside and stop the "saving" her as other posts have told you. How is the expectation for you to pay for the repairs that need to be done so you can have an "inheritance" fair to either of you? Honestly, she is using the fact that she will leave it to you as a dangling carrot to get you to do as she pleases. Yep, she will be mad but if it for the best then who cares. Tell her to stop with firing aides because this is her only hope to stay in the house. Tell her if some event lands her in the hospital, she may not have other choice but to go into a Long term care facility. And, that would be worse than any Assisted Living environment because it means she is no longer remotely independent.

Honestly, I wish my parents would sell the house and use the funds for AL. But, they refuse (my dad especially, mom has no idea because of dementia). It is so frustrating that the house is becoming so old and in need of repairs the value is decreasing. And, yes one day it will be mine. But, I will only sell immediately because I do not have any sentimental value to keep it.

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Reply to AMZebbC

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My parents thought the prospect of inheriting their house would incentivize their three daughter to keep them home . It didn’t.

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Go visit your grandkids and have a good time. She wants to drive the bus, let her.
She is mentally competent so there is nothing you can do.

She is 97. Very soon a fall or health crisis will happen that will change the dynamics of the situation and things will change.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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One of the best pieces of advice I have received here is this -

"As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".

Another good piece of advice -

"What you are feeling is not guilt. It is grief. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Grief - is when you are handling the loss of something."

You can grieve a lot of things - in this case - the fact that your mother is no longer able to take care of herself and needs more help than you should/can reasonably provide.

The hardest part of being an adult child with a parent who can no longer take care of themselves, is that sometimes we have to do what is best for them, in spite of them.

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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94

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Blue, that is so true!!

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A wise social worker from my County Area of Aging told me

“ Stop helping , sometimes it’s the only way to get them to accept help from someone other than family , whether that be hired help in home , or assisted living .”

In your Mom’s case not owning a home would be best .

Learn the word “ No”.

“ Sorry that will not be possible “.

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Reply to waytomisery

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So true, driving me nuts. It's been the circle I've been going through. I do and do for mom, back off , my sister shows, do do, back off my brother finally shows.

They would just keep letting me do and do if I never back away.

Why would they , when they have me.

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My husband and I had my 93 year old in-laws move in with us over 2 years ago. It has been extremely difficult for me. They have taken over our lives. My husband has finally realized this and a he just came out and told them that they can’t live here anymore. We found an assisted living facility very close to our home. He told them they will move in there. They were both upset at first. His mother has accepted it. His father sounds like your mother. Every day he makes a point to make one of us feel guilty about this. Moving day is next week. We are worried he will refuse to go. Praying all goes smoothly.

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Reply to Susansa

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Susansa, you AREN'T 'guilty' of anything. If he tries to 'make you feel' anything at all, my advice would be to say Eff Off. Very loudly. If he 'refuses to go', walk away from him and stay away. No food is a good start. Action is better than prayer.

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Make a list of all the tasks that need doing for your Mom.

- Household tasks, daily, weekly, occassional maintenance. Eg cleaning, laundry, yardwork.
- Financial help eg bills
- Home help, daily, weekly eg grocery shopping, collection of medications
- Personal care eg help with bathing or dressing.
- Driving to appointments eg Doctor, Podiatrist, Hairdresser.

Now write down who does each task.

Mom? Momsgoto? Someone else?

What does the list like like?

If it looks like the one I helped write a few years ago... well Holy Moly will ya look at THAT!!!

Followed by Well, that gotta CHANGE!!

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Reply to Beatty

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I would add another column .
Tasks OP will no longer help with .
Then ask the 97 yo what are her plans going forward to get those tasks done . Tell her you are not helping with those plans . Leave her to deal with it all on her own .

Remind her she’s not moving in with you .

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I would add that when a crisis occurs, you tell her to hire someone to help. The basement's flooding is a good example. It's happened to many of us, and while ideally you take care of it right away, sometimes you have to wait. As a single woman who was a homeowner into her 70s, I sometimes had to do exactly that. If she is not able to find professional help herself when it's needed, she may finally realize that staying in her home is no longer an option.

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Reply to Igloocar

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My husband and I sold our house ten years ago because we didn't want to spend our retirement years maintaining a house. We moved into a condo. My parents kept theirs.

I became very resentful when something happened to their house that had to be dealt with because they couldn't any longer. They should have sold it a long time ago.

It is just plain wrong for parents to expect their kids to be dealing with their house especially on top of caregiving. And most especially if these kids are in their 60s and 70s themselves. If you can't fix it yourself or find and pay for someone to fix it, you should not own a house.

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She's wrong on other accounts except AL. Can't really fault her for not wanting to go there.

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Reply to cover9339

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Oh C’mon Cover,

The woman is 97 and not functioning on her own .

You can’t fault her ?? How about that she’s being selfish and expecting OP to take her in her home and continue being her servant ?

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Hi Momsgoto.
i feel Your anguish.
it resonates like a burning fire!
someone mentioned boundaries are for us to protect ourselves. I agree and I’m learning this lesson. Boundaries have never been respected by Ma. She’s not demented. She’s selfish.
guess what: I greatly contributed to drawing out and or exacerbating her weaknesses so she could use them against me! 🤔
caregiving sucks the life out of Us before We stand back and realize how much time and personal vitality we have given/lost as main caregiver to a parent.
trying to sit down with a parent after years of being a door mat to them always taking calls, skipping trips, self care etc…….its like clapping with one hand: useless. They become conditioned by our care and service whether demented or not to ramp up the demands until something goes wrong. Then, they blame anyone but the mirror they look into! They blame me or you
I’m caught in the caregiving toilet bowl with you swirling away!

take a vacation. Take two.
go do your thing.

i have blown years of my life trying to be the good son and do, do, do….

i hope anyone reading this just getting sucked into family caregiving steps back and insulated themselves yesterday!

its not to late for all of us who have been consumed in family care because we chose to serve.
some of us forgot ourselves in the midst of the mayhem.
easier said than done!
Good luck.
do something nice for yourself

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Reply to ChicagoJ

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As long as you continue to be at her beck and call and her end all be all, she will never see that in fact she needs more help than she ever realized.
So just stop already!!! What you're doing is ridiculous!
You have brought all of this on yourself, all because you've never learned to say the word no. And of course your mom is taking advantage of that and using and abusing you, and the sad thing is...you're allowing it.
So...as I say on here often...it's time to put your big girl panties on and start using the very simple and short word NO.
NO mom I'm sorry that I can't clean your house anymore, because it's all I can do to clean my own. And NO mom, I can't pay for that repair because I need my money for my own homes repairs. And NO mom, I can't come over to help you with that chore as I'm going to spend a few weeks with my children and grandchildren, so you'll have to hire some help.
You get the picture. As long as you keep enabling your mom and propping up her false sense of independence, she will NEVER admit that she can't live on her own.
Oh and I forgot one more no. NO mom you cannot and will not ever live with me. Period. End of sentence.
Your mom has you right where she wants you, and you just go right along with it. Why? I have no earthly idea.
Perhaps a good therapist could help you better understand why you feel that you have to be someone's doormat just because that person is your mom.
There are definitely some strong underlying issues there for sure.
So STOP the nonsense today(20 years is long enough!!!), and start using that two letter word NO, and for God sake go visit your grandchildren.

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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AMEN!!! Well said.

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As Beatty.always says, there will be no other solution as long as you ARE the solution.

Go visit your grand children and let the crisis occur, she'll have no choice but to accept a different solution then you.

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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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I’m sorry for your obvious exhaustion in this. Clearly the manipulation has gone on far too long. There’s a big misunderstanding of the boundaries concept as they aren’t for your mother at all. Any boundaries you set are for you, they are yours alone, acting as a fence around your life to keep out things that aren’t good for you. That fence has a gate in it to let in the good things. Just as you set the boundaries, you also enforce them for yourself and don’t allow others to violate them. Mom can’t “wriggle out” of what you don’t allow. Please go live your life, enjoy those grandchildren who won’t be around forever, travel while your health still allows it, do what you enjoy, and leave your mother of sound mind to figure out her own solutions. Stop justifying your choices and trying to provide alternatives that she doesn’t want, you’ve done well by her, now do well for yourself and your family. I truly wish you courage and peace

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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Well said!

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Stop doing everything for her and she will have no other choice but to move or hire people to help her! As long as you're " mom's go to" why should she go elsewhere??? You are her solution.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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"Boundaries...She always finds a way to wriggle out of them."

No, you cave in. You allow her to trample your boundaries because you have no intention of defending them because it makes you feel uncomfortable. You're a People Pleaser.

Tell her a therapeutic fib: "I'll help you move in." (she'll actually be moving into AL, not your house).

Condition #1: she assigns you as her Durable PoA (meaning it is in effect right away). Make sure she assigns you all possible authorities. Make sure it gets finalized legally, in front of the attorney. Don't move a muscle until she actually completes this step with you and a lawyer.

Then, she gets moved directly into a temporary "apartment" in an AL while you "get your house ready" -- there was a "glitch" and the power (or water, etc) isn't connected yet. Don't take her to your house for any reason. Do not even drive past it. Make sure the AL staff knows what the "narrative" is -- they will be happy to play along.

If your Mom is an anxious, agitated or paranoid person, make sure to discuss this with her primary doc who can prescribe meds for this. Do it via video call if your Mom won't go. Her cooperation is part of the condition of you helping her move.

Sell her house to pay for her care.

I wish you much clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on getting her into appropriate care.

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Reply to Geaton777

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Why would she want to go to assisted living when she’s got you to be her personal slave and cater to her every whim?

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Reply to ZippyZee

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You said it so simply.
I saw myself becoming a slave a long time ago.
Still, I did and did knowing I was not looking out for me.
I let her guilt me and trample me under foot. I’d yell and scream only to get up the next day and slave away!

shame on me for sure.

How is it..some of us see a train coming and get out of the way…others see the train and get frozen in place?

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Mom will not go to assisted living, but can’t take care of a home.

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