My mom it's 84yo and is going on year 7 with dementia. She had sepsis from a UTI 4 years ago and that must definitely sped up the disease. She insisted on being home and absolutely nowhere else, so I made arrangements for aide's to go over as well as myself. I 3 aids quit fairly quickly and she fired the third! My mom hates anyone in the house. So I then installed a ring camera in her main living area, with her permission. She had a life alert necklace for over a year, but barely wore it. I cleaned, cooked, handled her finances while having her believe she was etc... this was able to work for the past 4 years. I am an only child and no husband. My cousin would help and go over 1x week. We both noticed a major shift in her appetite a couple months ago. Physically though, Dr. always said she looked good! March 28th, she fainted, broke her hip and went to the hospital, had surgery for a broken ball joint, which heeled quickly. Went to a nightmare rehab for 12 days, where she got covid in the first 2. Last day of quarantine, I had her moved to a beautiful AL facility that also has a memory care if needed.
Dr. from rehab said mom needs 24/7 now and wouldn't discharge her without a plan in place. I knew this was necessary for several months prior.
So it's been a month 1/2, her hip healed quickly and I have no more reasons to offer her as to why she needs to stay. She is in stage 4 and progressing to stage 5 dementia. I still have their furniture in her room because I didn't want to shell shock her right if the bat with seeing her furniture. The staff feels it's time to move foreward since she can no longer go home, and get her things moved over.
She calls me 10xa day! Her calls and our visits are horrible! She's angry and verbally abusive. She will have erratic mood swings from angry screaming to curling up in a ball crying. My heart is broken that it had to happen this way, and I knew this was the only way it could happen. She would never allow the topic of leaving go far and would make me leave the house if I attempted to discuss it. I tried to have that discussion years ago.
I requested she be evaluated for anxiety meds because she's so upset and I totally get it. I know this is the disease and she cannot be reasoned with and everyday is a new day with no recollection of the one before.
I've put my phone on silent ring for her calls, and wind up answering by the 10th ring, only for her to scream when I say she's not going home today and then she hangs up on me after she tells me she's done with me and is hiring a lawyer etc... Fine if she only called me, but she calls my children, husband, cousins etc... multiple times a day and leaves heart breaking voicemail to the family and nasty ones to me.
Sorry this is so winded!
I'm going to attend a support group, but my nerves are shot. I also have a husband & daughter with their own health issues and I need to give my energy to them right now also.
Should I stop answering the phone? Cease visits for a while?
Staff doesn't see what I'm getting, but they will when she goes to her room from a program and sees her things.
Tell mother, when you do speak to her, that you did the BEST you could for her for as long as humanly possible. Now you cannot possibly do this caregiving gig anymore or YOU will die before she does. Period. She can accept that truth or continue raging against the moon, but you're not going to bear witness to it. You have feelings TOO mother, and they count. Not just hers. So here's where the DOCTOR says you belong, in a beautiful place with 24/7 caregivers available for you. Activities and 3 lovely meals a day, music, events to attend, peers to chat with, etc.
When she gets to carrying on, do what I did: leave or end the phone call. Tell her you'll speak to her at another time when she's in a better mood, bye bye for now. Kiss kiss. And that's IT.
My mother lived in Independent Senior Living for 3 years, Assisted Living for 5 years and in Memory Care Assisted Living for 3 years. She was THE most passive-aggressive and difficult personality disordered human on earth, next to her sister and brother. I have a lifetime of experience dealing with her histrionics and sharp, foul tongue, so I know from where I speak. Unfortunately. All you can do for a person like this is keep them safe and advocated for. How you managed to do all you DID for so long is beyond me. The FOG is thick with them.....Fear Obligation and Guilt.
Please take care of YOURSELF now, and your immediate family. Mother will be just fine. Definitely look into antidepressants for mother.....mine did well with Wellbutrin which went up to max dose 300mg per day as the dementia advanced. We added Ativan as the Sundowning got bad, too.
Sorry about saying to bring DH.....perhaps bring your cousin?
For your sake you need to figure out how to NOT answer all ten calls a day. set a limit. perhaps you will answer one call a day, say between 7 and 9 PM.
Let others go to voicemail.
I know its easier said than done but this must be done for your sake.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and you can't make it all better. Once you realize that, you'll be headed in a more mentally healthy direction. Godspeed to you.
She has never been different.
It is very unlikely that she ever WILL be different. It IS likely she will be worse, with YOU.
Your mother has had her life; now it is time for you to have yours. It will not be handed to you; you must take it.
You already know and hear that your mother is not this abusive when you are not around to try to cajole and do her will.
So, yes, you should curb your visits. Not only that, but you should tell your mother you are doing so, and WHY you are doing so. And you should tell her you will return, but will leave when her behavior becomes abusive. Think of it as a sort of Pavlovian training.
You should also tell your mother that she may call you twice a day and give her the times she can call. If she has too much dementia to stick within certain guidelines, then I am sorry to tell her that she has too much dementia to have control of a phone, and the staff can place a daily call to you AS LONG AS IT IS A PLEASANT call. But the phone gets confiscated, until it isn't abused.
We tell people how we wish to be treated by how we ALLOW them to treat us.
We let people know what they can get by with in our presence.
Due to your being unable to place limitations on her abuse your mother has been enabled to let the very worst of herself spew all over YOU when you visit, even when you don't.
You have a family. Allowing this habitual behavior to go on, mourning this abuse has an affect on you. That's your choice.
But WORSE, is AFFECTING THE FAMILY you have an OBLIGATION to care for. That is abusive in itself.
Again, your mother has had her life.
This is yours. You are an adult. You are responsible for protecting yourself and your family.
I may come across as harsh, but I feel we do no favors on this Forum when we give people sympathy for allowing abuse to occur over and over again to selves and families.
If you cannot manage changing some of your habits now then I suggest a behavioral therapist who does cognitive therapy. It is WAY too late to consider changing mom, and you do see where this habitual angst has got her.
I wish you the very best.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your family.
Your mother is in the care she needs and must have, and needs to be told that once, and only once. We may be somewhat forgiving due to age and dementia. But you have neither of those.
I'm no good to anyone if I'm not ok
I think you meant your mom does not have a husband but you do.
best wishes
I just meant that I'm an only child and my mom doesn't have a husband and without siblings, the care responsibility was on me.
I know she safe and the staff are attentive. I love my mom so much. She wasn't like this before and was always a wonderful mother to me. I am highly sensitive and emotional and I always find myself taking on the emotions of the people I love.
I'm very grateful to have found this site.
A good kick in the A** is needed sometimes
Your going to have to limit the calls, just turn the volume down on every phone she calls. This is so mentally unhealthy for you. I don't know how can take anymore. Id be jumping outta my skin.
I'm so sorry, for you your family and your mom. Best wishes
You didn't cause her illness or old age. You have already sacrificed way too long.
Your main obligation is yourself and family! Focus on them, stop being her punching bag. Relish your freedom.
She will be cared for and safe. She just may settle in with some calming meds. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. STAY STRONG! You can do this.
You are in the thick of a storm at sea. With one foot in the old boat & one in the new boat. The time will come when your two feet will be solidly in the new boat. When the storm settles & you can see the horizon better.
A friend went through this.
There was no other option left. Everything in the home setting had been done, family, services, paid aides, a team of aides.. No longer worked.
A care home was chosen.
Furniture moved in.
Then the multiple abusive phone calls a day started.
Mother did not understand her situation. Was A.N.G.R.Y.
Family understood this but of course but it was still painful to hear those calls.
I belive an adult grandchild decided to screen & delete the phone messages to save his parent the pain.
Sadly visits had to be skipped for a while too, as these also became verbal attacks.
The family waited it out. With time & medications for mood, they came through. As the dementia progressed, so did memory loss. The 'blessing' of that was of calmer acceptance. A real connection to the care home & it's staff. The phone calls stopped (unable to manage a phone now).
Visits became happier events to be cherished.
🌻🌻🌻
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