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I think it's fortunate that your mother has already moved into an ALF, as that means you don't need to find respite care for when you go and enjoy the family wedding.
Please be assured that your mother won't be missing out on anything, whatever she may say when/if she finds that she wasn't included.
My mum let me know she wasn't happy when she found out that she hadn't been invited to my daughter's baby shower. She hadn't yet been diagnosed with vascular dementia, at that time, but she already had cognitive decline from having had a major stroke.
Mum wouldn't have been able to cope with the event if she had been invited. Not only would she not have enjoyed it, the day would have been about her - making her comfortable, keeping her happy, and having to take her home early after her constant complaints of discomfort. (Been there, done that.)
It was my daughter's day, and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions that may seem unfair to the person with cognitive decline, but accommodating them would mean being grossly unfair to the person who's special day it is.
As almost everyone has said “NO”, I’ll tell you about Dora, my MIL aged in her early 90s, attending my daughter’s wedding successfully. Dora was not incontinent, did not have dementia, was not in a wheelchair, and was a nice sensible person with no bad behaviors. She lived alone, with help. We paid her friend and cleaner, who knew her well, to pick Dora up and drive her to the wedding, drop her at the door for two 'spare' male family members to take over, stay herself and take Dora home soon after the end of the service (and the first of the photos). The venue was 10 minutes by car from Dora’s home, and Dora had a seat next to me in the front row which she could access without stairs.
We thought through the pluses and minuses, and were prepared to things to go wrong, but nothing did. Dora and my daughter were very glad that she was able to be present. My guess is that very few occasions have everything so much in favor. If I was asked about an occasion without all these things in its favor, I would also say No. Dora’s presence added to the wedding, but the focus was well and truly on the bride and groom. This is what it took.
Yes, that's a fair amount of planning and organisation for your MiL, an otherwise completely healthy senior, to attend for a short time, taking a short trip, and going home soon afterwards. Comparing Dora's level of needs with those of the OP's mother shows how much more difficult (impossible) it would be to successfully plan for her attendance of a wedding so far from home.
No it is not a good idea. The day belongs to your granddaughter. Bringing your mother could create issues you haven’t even considered. she should stay at the ALF and you should bring pictures and videos that she can watch when you visit her after the event.
I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding unencumbered by taking care of your mother.
Expect her to be disoriented. If she is not prone to anxiety that leads to agitation that escalates to violent outbursts, she should be ok. Try to maintain an environment and schedule as close to possible to her usual. Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety medication prescription to be used if she becomes distraught.
It’s hard to answer without knowing her and your family. From my perspective, it is worth it to seriously consider it. My 96 YO mom has dementia, probably six years in, doesn’t know who we are or where she is frequently. We took her to a four day trip two weeks ago, we took a 12 Hour drive to visit friends last summer and we took her to Mexico last year. it involves a lot of planning, bedrail, pads for the bed or mattress cover that is waterproof, Walker, companion chair, cushion. We use ring cameras in the house, which may or may not be of use to you, but we bring that as well as a nanny cam. Everything is in the moment, in HER moment. And you have to be completely committed to her comfort and you have to ride with her schedule whatever it is. You won’t enjoy the wedding like you would without having someone to care for, but if it is important to the family she is there, it is a great gift. And you won’t regret giving her those moments to be loved on by her family. Our mom can be a little disruptive, so when my sister got married in June, we sat her at the very last table. When these opportunities are occasions came up, we figured if mom is going to be sitting in a chair in front of the TV, she might as well be sitting in a chair at the airport or sitting in a chair on the plane. We bring headphones and an iPad that we can download movies on. It was a lot of fun with her belting out musicals on the plane to Mexico! lol. She was confused in the new place, but we guided her along. The ring camera alerts us when she gets up, so we can get up and make sure she gets in and out of the bathroom OK. She had moments of joy, which is all we can give our parents at this time of their lives. It’s a lot of work, but we have no regrets.
My mom in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's decided for herself that she should not attend anything far from home or with any sort of confusion. This included a grandson's wedding and her daughter's funeral. She understood completely what the ceremonies were and that she would be expected to be there, but she knew I'd be taking care of her the whole time and that she'd get upset with the confusion. I was relieved to not have to tell her she couldn't go, because there was no way I could have handled her during long distance travel, at a strange house or hotel, or at the ceremonies. It was difficult enough at home. I did however take her to her sister-in-laws funeral because it was local. And I took her sometimes to other family gatherings until she just couldn't figure out what was happening. I think your mom is probably at that stage with dementia, not understanding what is happening, so it would not be a good idea. I know it hurts your heart for her to miss it, but she would most likely not understand what was happening or remember it anyway. Just make sure she has a lovely time at assisted living while you are gone and tell her all about it when you return. That will be plenty excitement in the moment of your telling for her to hear about it. And you will probably have to repeat the telling many times. Have a good trip.
Sorry, you should not bring your mom. Maybe have a small get together at your mom's personal care home or share memories and pictures with her. Once your mom enters that level of care, it's best that she stays in her familiar surroundings.
I think you already know the answer to this. If you want to enjoy this wedding, don't bring your mom. Neither you nor she will enjoy it and you may actually make the entire day frustrating for all. Bring her pictures of the day and if she really has severe dementia, tell her the wedding was last year and you just got the photos. Little lies can make things easier.
My mom was at that same stage when we took her out of ALF to attend the small, local, outdoor wedding of her granddaughter at a park with a restaurant lunch afterwards. Was only going to be a two-hour event. I had often taken her out to lunch or little shopping trips and I thought this would be fine.
WRONG! Mother didn’t even recognize anyone but me. She was confused. She wandered off during the quick ceremony. We wrangled her into the car and onto the restaurant. Once there, she had a major fecal event (and this was before she had become incontinent whatsoever and thus had on nothing but cotton underwear).
It was awful attempting to clean her up in that bathroom. Her clothing was completely soiled and feces ran down her legs. Thankfully, we had a spare set of clothes in the car. With the assistance of my grown daughter, we got her cleaned up, and then I had to clean up the restroom. The restaurant manager was extremely kind and helpful and provided everything I needed to get the restroom clean and fresh.
That was the last time mom left her facility, other than occasionally needing an ER visit. 🙁.
I hate this disease. Mom was diagnosed in January 2011. Nearly 14 years of saying goodbye to my dear Mom. 😢
Well that says it all right there! A major fecal event. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being. I'm so sorry you've had to witness the long goodbye for nearly 14 yrs. 😣
My husband's dementia has been increasing recently. I feel I can partially contribute it to the changes in our home so I can imagine the many unexpected issues that would come up away from our home... then trying to return to normal after the trip.
I recently had to get rid of a glider rocking chair because he insisted on sitting in it and if not watched carefully, he would tip it over trying to get up. When he walked by it, he would grab the back and become unstable. The matching gliding footstool had to go too. We replaced it with a basic accent chair and a stable footstool.
I decided we needed a split K adjustable bed because he is needing to be higher due to swallowing issues. We currently have a Q adjustable bed and my back hurts when we get up almost every morning. To make room for the new bed, I had to get the guest bed out of the house, move the Q to the guest room then sleep in the guest room a couple of nights until the new bed came.
Because of the changes, it seems his sense of spacial awareness is totally out of sort and finding his way around our house has gotten a lot worse. He also is showing other symptoms of progression.
In the past, I did not understand all the negative replies to questions like these before we moved into this phase but I definitely get it now.
My experience tells me that any change in the dementia patient's routine can cause anxiety, confusion, and lots of stress.
A caregiver on my forum once said that she brought her mom home to live with her for a week. During this week, the weather markedly changed and got colder. She added a blanket to mom's bed. That night, mom was walking around in distress and anxiety. She said told her daughter she cannot find her bedroom. Took some time before the daughter realized it was the blanket that had added to the confusion.
I personally do not recommend that you take your mom to the wedding, especially that she has recently moved to ALF.
My mother took my 85 year old grandmother to my first wedding. She was incontinent with some dementia going on at the time. Grandma wound up peeing all over herself and the floor (I have no idea WHY there were no incontinence briefs being used), and eating all the butter patties that were on the table, remarking how delicious the "cheese" was. She kept wandering off, and my mother wound up playing babysitter to HER rather than enjoying her role as mother of the bride that evening.
I am sorry but not a good idea. We tried a two night trip to Gatlinburg several years ago. Mom could not keep up, got very confused with new place and it increased her memory issues. Go and enjoy.
Earlier in the disease process, I definitely noticed taking mom away out of town and/or overnight would destabilize her, exacerbating her dementia symptoms. It was two permanent steps forward on her dementia journey.
NO, NO, NO! As it was said it will be a disaster! She will never know that she did not attend. Take pictures, video, but do not physically take her - no, no, no, no!
What everyone said here - definitely no for all the reasons listed. My mom has mod/sev dementia and there is no way this would be feasible. Go enjoy the wedding and bring back some photos and/or video. I’ve found as time goes on I struggle with what to do when I’m with mom ( besides feeding her ) so a pleasant photo tour of a wedding could be a great activity. If/when she forgets, you can do the wedding photo tour again.
And no guilt! Have a great time and I hope you come back refreshed.
I'm going to pile on with the others here and suggest that you not put your mother through the wedding trip.
Most likely, she will become confused and upset anyway from a long car ride and being in strange places.
Dementia patients just cannot comprehend changes and it tends to upset them.
Sometimes - I'm guilty of this - we want to include our loved one with dementia because we still believe that the event or dinner or whatnot will be meaningful and happy for them. So we sit them at the table because it seems heartless to exclude them - but the end result is upsetting for all involved.
(My mother didn't want to go to my daughter's wedding so I didn't take her - and that was before she was lost to dementia.)
This question was asked before on this forum. The answer is no, you should not take her to the wedding.
It's a terrible idea. She will not have a good time and neither will anyone else who has to take care of her. This means traveling with her, being at the wedding with her, and doing her care at the hotel.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that a 6-hour car ride, a wedding then a reception, and a hotel stay for a person with moderate to severe dementia will be an ordeal. It will be an ordeal for whoever has to take care of her as well.
Moderate to severe dementia usually comes with incontinence. What's the plan if she craps herself at the wedding reception? Public restrooms don't have adult changing tables. Is she in a wheelchair or still mobile? I've had clients with dementia who were still mobile and when they feel like sitting down, they do. In a parking lot, on the grass somewhere, or right there on the floor of wherever they are. This was almost always followed by peeing themselves.
Let your daughter enjoy her day. She will not enjoy it and neither will you if her grandma with advancing dementia is there.
Please don’t. My husband had only moderate cognitive impairment from Alzheimer’s (could still walk, communicate, use the restroom), and I took him to a friend’s wedding. I had to have someone watch him while I stepped away for just ten minutes to find the restroom. He kept wandering off if I spoke to another guest & 100% of my attention wasn’t on him. I had to cut up his food for him & try to keep him from getting it all over, while people stared and kept asking me questions. It was exhausting and I barely remember the wedding itself.
You are right. I forgot about the eating. There comes a time when meals have to be private at home or in the dining room of whatever care facility the person lives in.
The other people at the wedding or restaurant should not be put off their meals because they're sitting across from some elderly person slopping food all over themselves, or being fed by their spouse or aide.
I’d say no get a video with a personal message done just for her and make a video as well of a snap shot and a photo in a nice frame fir her explaining the journey is too far for her to travel but they did something soecial for her
monitor tho - only you know if that could upset your mother seeing it without attending
But I’d say a def no to travelling really my friend took her mother to a family event and unfortunately her mother spoilt it good and proper It’s just a bit too far for an elderly person - they tire very easy
My grandmother had died...my moms mom. I drove mom two states away to go to the funeral. We stayed in a hotel. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without leaving the door open because I was afraid she would leave the room. She went into the bathroom, took off all of her clothes and put them in the sink and turned the water on. She didn't know why we were there. She didn't recognize her mother in the casket. She argued with me about what roads I was driving on (she hadn't driven in more than a decade) She was up and down all night, so that meant I was up and down all night. It was an exhausting trip and I only did it because I didn't want to argue with her family as to why she didn't attend her own mothers funeral.
If you don't have to take your mom, then don't. The trip will end up being about your mom and not about the bride and her special day.
My sister in law’s mother had Alzheimer’s , she was in memory care . My sister in law brought this woman to my mother’s wake at the funeral home as a “ see what I’m dealing with “ , because that’s how my sister in law is , she’s weird . She literally said “ see what I’m dealing with “ . ( She had to compare and compete in everything , even over which one of our mother’s had a worse case of dementia ).
I felt so bad for this woman in her 90’s with Alzheimer’s . She had no idea why she was at the funeral home , or who all the people were . She kept asking her daughter ( my sister in law ) to go home . My sister in law kept telling her mother who people were . The woman could not remember and wasn’t going to make any connections of who was related to who .
I felt like my sister in law put this poor woman on display .
I don’t know why people insist that we have to include elderly who are suffering with dementia to weddings and funerals and expect them to act normal , to remember who people are , or enjoy being at a family event .
Wouldn’t advise it. Dementia can make a LO act in very particular ways with no advanced warning. LO is already confused and may not recognize other family members. New surroundings, new schedule and unfamiliar faces may trigger some really bad behavior that may embarrass granddaughter and make a memorable day an awful day.
NO! let me rephrase that HECK NO! The number of people, the noise the new place will confuse her. There is a potential that she will try to leave the hotel room trying to "get home" There is a REAL good possibility that 2 hours into the car trip she will want to go home. There is a real good possibility that every 5 minutes she will want to go home. And how do you plan on having a good time while you are caregiving? And it is not fair for you to ask anyone else to care for her while you are enjoying yourself. Unless you plan on hiring a caregiver for the entire trip. (that would be the only way that you could bring her and make it "work")
I know you want her to see her granddaughter. I know you want her to see her in her wedding dress. My suggestion would be to have her granddaughter and the groom come by sometime after the ceremony in her dress and have a small reception there at the facility. You can have cake and show her photos of the wedding.
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I think it's fortunate that your mother has already moved into an ALF, as that means you don't need to find respite care for when you go and enjoy the family wedding.
Please be assured that your mother won't be missing out on anything, whatever she may say when/if she finds that she wasn't included.
My mum let me know she wasn't happy when she found out that she hadn't been invited to my daughter's baby shower. She hadn't yet been diagnosed with vascular dementia, at that time, but she already had cognitive decline from having had a major stroke.
Mum wouldn't have been able to cope with the event if she had been invited. Not only would she not have enjoyed it, the day would have been about her - making her comfortable, keeping her happy, and having to take her home early after her constant complaints of discomfort. (Been there, done that.)
It was my daughter's day, and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions that may seem unfair to the person with cognitive decline, but accommodating them would mean being grossly unfair to the person who's special day it is.
We thought through the pluses and minuses, and were prepared to things to go wrong, but nothing did. Dora and my daughter were very glad that she was able to be present. My guess is that very few occasions have everything so much in favor. If I was asked about an occasion without all these things in its favor, I would also say No. Dora’s presence added to the wedding, but the focus was well and truly on the bride and groom. This is what it took.
Comparing Dora's level of needs with those of the OP's mother shows how much more difficult (impossible) it would be to successfully plan for her attendance of a wedding so far from home.
she should stay at the ALF and you should bring pictures and videos that she can watch when you visit her after the event.
I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding unencumbered by taking care of your mother.
My mom was at that same stage when we took her out of ALF to attend the small, local, outdoor wedding of her granddaughter at a park with a restaurant lunch afterwards. Was only going to be a two-hour event. I had often taken her out to lunch or little shopping trips and I thought this would be fine.
WRONG! Mother didn’t even recognize anyone but me. She was confused. She wandered off during the quick ceremony. We wrangled her into the car and onto the restaurant. Once there, she had a major fecal event (and this was before she had become incontinent whatsoever and thus had on nothing but cotton underwear).
It was awful attempting to clean her up in that bathroom. Her clothing was completely soiled and feces ran down her legs. Thankfully, we had a spare set of clothes in the car. With the assistance of my grown daughter, we got her cleaned up, and then I had to clean up the restroom. The restaurant manager was extremely kind and helpful and provided everything I needed to get the restroom clean and fresh.
That was the last time mom left her facility, other than occasionally needing an ER visit. 🙁.
I hate this disease. Mom was diagnosed in January 2011. Nearly 14 years of saying goodbye to my dear Mom. 😢
I recently had to get rid of a glider rocking chair because he insisted on sitting in it and if not watched carefully, he would tip it over trying to get up. When he walked by it, he would grab the back and become unstable. The matching gliding footstool had to go too. We replaced it with a basic accent chair and a stable footstool.
I decided we needed a split K adjustable bed because he is needing to be higher due to swallowing issues. We currently have a Q adjustable bed and my back hurts when we get up almost every morning. To make room for the new bed, I had to get the guest bed out of the house, move the Q to the guest room then sleep in the guest room a couple of nights until the new bed came.
Because of the changes, it seems his sense of spacial awareness is totally out of sort and finding his way around our house has gotten a lot worse. He also is showing other symptoms of progression.
In the past, I did not understand all the negative replies to questions like these before we moved into this phase but I definitely get it now.
A caregiver on my forum once said that she brought her mom home to live with her for a week. During this week, the weather markedly changed and got colder. She added a blanket to mom's bed. That night, mom was walking around in distress and anxiety. She said told her daughter she cannot find her bedroom. Took some time before the daughter realized it was the blanket that had added to the confusion.
I personally do not recommend that you take your mom to the wedding, especially that she has recently moved to ALF.
No, you should not take mom to this wedding.
Oh, my goodness. Your grandmother should not have been at your wedding.
She will never know that she did not attend.
Take pictures, video, but do not physically take her - no, no, no, no!
And no guilt! Have a great time and I hope you come back refreshed.
Most likely, she will become confused and upset anyway from a long car ride and being in strange places.
Dementia patients just cannot comprehend changes and it tends to upset them.
Sometimes - I'm guilty of this - we want to include our loved one with dementia because we still believe that the event or dinner or whatnot will be meaningful and happy for them. So we sit them at the table because it seems heartless to exclude them - but the end result is upsetting for all involved.
(My mother didn't want to go to my daughter's wedding so I didn't take her - and that was before she was lost to dementia.)
Educate yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
It's a terrible idea. She will not have a good time and neither will anyone else who has to take care of her. This means traveling with her, being at the wedding with her, and doing her care at the hotel.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that a 6-hour car ride, a wedding then a reception, and a hotel stay for a person with moderate to severe dementia will be an ordeal. It will be an ordeal for whoever has to take care of her as well.
Moderate to severe dementia usually comes with incontinence. What's the plan if she craps herself at the wedding reception? Public restrooms don't have adult changing tables.
Is she in a wheelchair or still mobile? I've had clients with dementia who were still mobile and when they feel like sitting down, they do. In a parking lot, on the grass somewhere, or right there on the floor of wherever they are. This was almost always followed by peeing themselves.
Let your daughter enjoy her day. She will not enjoy it and neither will you if her grandma with advancing dementia is there.
Take a video and show your mother afterwards.
You are right. I forgot about the eating. There comes a time when meals have to be private at home or in the dining room of whatever care facility the person lives in.
The other people at the wedding or restaurant should not be put off their meals because they're sitting across from some elderly person slopping food all over themselves, or being fed by their spouse or aide.
get a video with a personal message done just for her and make a video as well of a snap shot and a photo in a nice frame fir her explaining the journey is too far for her to travel but they did something soecial
for her
monitor tho - only you know if that could upset your mother seeing it without attending
But I’d say a def no to travelling really
my friend took her mother to a family event and unfortunately her mother spoilt it good and proper
It’s just a bit too far for an elderly person - they tire very easy
If you don't have to take your mom, then don't. The trip will end up being about your mom and not about the bride and her special day.
My sister in law brought this woman to my mother’s wake at the funeral home as a “ see what I’m dealing with “ , because that’s how my sister in law is , she’s weird . She literally said “ see what I’m dealing with “ . ( She had to compare and compete in everything , even over which one of our mother’s had a worse case of dementia ).
I felt so bad for this woman in her 90’s with Alzheimer’s . She had no idea why she was at the funeral home , or who all the people were . She kept asking her daughter ( my sister in law ) to go home . My sister in law kept telling her mother who people were . The woman could not remember and wasn’t going to make any connections of who was related to who .
I felt like my sister in law put this poor woman on display .
I don’t know why people insist that we have to include elderly who are suffering with dementia to weddings and funerals and expect them to act normal , to remember who people are , or enjoy being at a family event .
To us, it’s a weekend. To a person with dementia, it’s a month.
HECK NO!
The number of people, the noise the new place will confuse her.
There is a potential that she will try to leave the hotel room trying to "get home"
There is a REAL good possibility that 2 hours into the car trip she will want to go home. There is a real good possibility that every 5 minutes she will want to go home.
And how do you plan on having a good time while you are caregiving?
And it is not fair for you to ask anyone else to care for her while you are enjoying yourself.
Unless you plan on hiring a caregiver for the entire trip. (that would be the only way that you could bring her and make it "work")
I know you want her to see her granddaughter.
I know you want her to see her in her wedding dress.
My suggestion would be to have her granddaughter and the groom come by sometime after the ceremony in her dress and have a small reception there at the facility. You can have cake and show her photos of the wedding.