At risk of sounding selfish, am I wrong for having an issue with my mom's caregiver (who is employed through an agency) eating my mom's food?

I was a professional nanny for 2 babies from 2 families working in one of their homes. I worked 56 hour weeks. I was not permitted to eat the family's food, nor to take care of my personal tasks at their home. That would be considered wage theft in this profession. I did many of the exact same care tasks, including grocery shopping, meal prep, meals, bathing, laundry for the kids, etc. If I took the girls to a store, it wasn't upsetting if I picked up some items for my own home as well. If my clothes got sweet potato all over them when caring for the little one, my shirt may go in the wash with theirs. They gave me a small space in their fridge to keep my coffee creamer, a small drawer for oatmeal, snacks, or a few items of that nature so I didn't have to bring them back and forth daily. These were curteous moments by my employer. They were fair, kind, and professional, and it was not appropriate to tax them by using their their resources.

For the record, childcare is incredibly hard to get in my area, especially after covid. Fringe benefits are great, but they Need to be discussed upfront, and often included in their contract. This gives both parties the foothold to have needed discussions if/when the time comes. I also added that we'd revisit my contact annually in order to have a scheduled talk/renegotiation about things exactly like this.

I don't think you're being unkind, or out of line, especially with food and water prices what they are.

The caregiver I hired was absolutely wonderful. She would bring her own food, and would only eat what I had on hand if I insisted. I regularly bought her Diet Pepsi and bagels--her two favorite things--and she often shared them with my mom. She would also pick up things for mom at the grocery store and refused to let me pay her for these items. When she asked if she could do a load of laundry, I was completely on board and told her to bring her laundry with her weekly. She did so much more than care for my mom--making beds, washing bedclothes, cleaning, doing dishes, starting dinner, feeding my pets...she would even sweep out the garage if she got bored. In my case, it was more than a fair trade. I never felt that she took advantage of the situation, and to this day we remain good friends. Mom fell and is now in a nursing home, and her caregiver continues to visit and sit with her there. Every situation is different, so I don't think there is any one "right" or "wrong" answer; it all boils down to what your needs are and what you're willing to tolerate/offer/accommodate. Good luck.

My dad had caregivers 24/7 through an agency as well. One particular caregiver would sometimes stay with him 3 days in a row (24 hours a day). I know they don't even make half of what the agency charges and a good caregiver is very hard to come by. I would always make sure she had something at his place to eat and drink. She liked instant meals so I always had a variety in the freezer for her and my dad. He was in assisted living so his meals were provided be the facility. Sometimes he couldn't eat what they served him.

It's entirely up to you how you want to handle it but if she were to quit, who would you get in her place? My dad's caregiver went above and beyond and that should be appreciated and it was in my situation. The things they have to deal with can be unbelievable. I still keep in touch with a couple of my dad's caregivers and he passed away January this year.

Fire her. Contact the agency and fire her. What else is she taking advantage of? She’s clearly crossing over the line. Fire her.

I have learned over the years that many caretakers from different countries have different degrees of understanding the language of their patient. Yet new immigrants are quite often the very best caretakers. You just can't assume they understand discussion which are not very brief and obvious. I think they are hesitant to reveal this at times perhaps fearing they will be discharged. They may be embarassed many had very different jobs in their country. Many of us Americans, especially myself, are language ignorant. I would starve if forced to make a living with few skills in a non-English speaking country. Also, they may not understand the expectations of the job around food, laundry, sharing, etc. Agencies can be so shorthanded, or negligent, so they hope for the best and don't always make things clear or screen people carefully. In the past, I have allowed caretakers to do things to spare them doing them later at home. There could be much downtime in a day of patient care. I wouldn't have let someone I suspected of disease or parasites stay in the house, so laundry was ok. I would expect them to share food made for the patient as a given with small individual changes for their own tastes. I would not allow them to put personal items on our bill, but again, I would let them do their own shopping on a separate bill. They work long hours often, and it would be difficult to go to a laundromat and do the laundry or stop going home. They often have children waiting and use public transportation. When they prepared a special, large meal, I would allow them to prepare some to take home (obviously, a reasonable amount). The lady I am thinking of had two young children and an elderly mother at home. I guess this is a long way of saying if they are a good person, taking good care of your family, ask yourself about their situation, finances, family, and needs. Helping them can cement a relationship. If you question this in any way, including feeling they are taking unreasonable advantage, start looking around and prepare to replace them (with some severance) when possible. Make a list of what you expect from the next person. Good luck. It is very difficult to find good people, you have to actively look in lots of places and talk to lots of agencies. And be sure you like the agency people you speak to. There are some good ones out there, and some not. In my experience, the best recommendations come from the families of previous patients. Join a caretaker's group, talk to some pastors, call nursing homes and ask if they know anyone who does home care, or will tell you! Ask where you shop if you know and like the staff. The caretaker makes much less working for an agency than directly for a family. That is to your advantage, screening by a good agency is missing, a downside for you. Also, I belatedly found a highly rated job agency here which placed licensed caretakers. You paid the agency half the first month's salary, then the caretaker worked for themself after that. They also offered three referrals in case one didn't work out. I spoke to them, but did not need anyone finally. I found them on our neighborhood Ring account, referred by and seconded by several families in the area, and was very impressed when I spoke to them. I would suggest you join any neighborhood groups on Facebook or a Ring Neighbors account, and ask for referrals. In fact, my last terrific, but expensive, caretaker, was from an agency recommended by one of our doctors' nurse who had used them for her mother! Had to pay the agency price forever, and a contract not to hire her away! She was worth it if you can afford it. ASK EVERYONE, even if you have a good one, things change! All these suggestions are useless if you are really back to the wall with responsibilities and finances, be nice, and START LOOKING. Do ask yourself if you would like the job you are offering to people. What do other people offer?

We had two separate situations. My mother and my mother in law.
We were grateful and very happy to have Louise for my mother. We paid for any
meals Louise ate while on duty. Generally these were delivered to the condo. I know Louise did laundry but I don't know if she brought her own.
NOW as to my MIL; Worker was welcome to fix her meals with MIL - once a can of corn is open or mashed potatoes mixed it is no big deal for one meal; and do the laundry ( generally the women came in 6-8 hour shifts) Then one started
bringing her kids, ordered enhanced cable services, and started running her home sales business from the family home. That was too much and we replaced her as soon as possible. A clear understanding needs to be worked out before the employment starts if the contract for care does not address that issue.

Yes get another worker. You are now feeding 2 people and paying one to eat her food!! Call the agency immediately. I never ate the elderly person's food. A worker brings their own bagged lunch. It is one thing if you say help yourself. They eat breakfast and dinner at home. Unless you start demanding 100 dollars a week in grocery money. I bet that will go over like a lead Ballon. If the agency tells you it's no big deal, find another. There are many who will want your business. In times of hi inflation there is no need to be feeding an extra mouth. If you go to any other job, they don't feed you.

Wow! Some people are bold. I think the caregiver is selfish rather

Our caregiver brings her own food.

Some people do take care giving positions as alternate living situations--food, laundry, internet, mailing address shelter for family--even when they are not live-in caretakers. Since this is an Agency caregiver, be clear with the agency what level of care you are hiring and what "fringe benefits" are or are not available to the care giver. If the Agency cannot provide an acceptable cate giver, work with a different agency.

Your mother is not in a good position to negotiate these specifics b/c she does not want to jeopardize the care she is getting.

Take charge of this situation for your mother. It is a good way for you to help.

That type of behavior is absolutely unprofessional and should be reported to the owner of the agency. A caregiver should never eat the food purchased FOR the person for whom the caregiver is providing care. It's that simple. The caregiver can use the refrigerator to store his or her own food. And that's that. Otherwise, you should be billing the caregiving agency for the food that the caregiver is eating. It's common sense. Most workplaces don't provide food for employees.
If the caregiver shops for food as part of his or her caregiving duties, the caregiver should not include any items for himself or herself. Ask for receipts, and check to ensure that all of the items are for the person being cared for.
If the caregiver wants to BRING items/ingredients to prepare a meal and share the meal with the person for whom he or she is providing the care, that's a different story.
It is because of stories like this that I hesitate to hire a caregiver for my early-Alzheimer's mother. But when that time comes, I will be installing cameras throughout the house. We definitely cannot afford to pay for a caregiver AND feed that caregiver all three meals, let alone one meal!

First look at the contract that you or your mother signed with the agency - it should be specific as to what you & the caregiver must provide.

Is this a live-in caregiver? I had a live-in for my SO & used an agency.
In addition to a bed & storage for her belongings (she used a 2nd bedroom, so that was no problem), I was responsible for the following:

1. provide food for all meals, including food she specifically wanted for herself, except hard-to-come-by ethnic food or extravagant items (she had none). She was entitled to that & didn't have to offer it to him. I did most of the grocery shopping, but she'd occasionally get a few things on her own. I was expected to pay for that, but she used her own money. My SO liked McDonald's & so did she, so I'd get lunch to go for the 2 of them - I paid. She was responsible for preparing meals & sometimes made something for just herself. Still, we often all ate together, & she had no problem adding me to her meal duties.

2. provide her a way to wash her clothes, so of course she used my washing machine. She washed her clothes separately.

3. give her time off for meals & other breaks during the day. My SO's caregiver was on duty from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m.. It took a few days to get into a semblance of a schedule, but it was never like she was punching a clock.

Maybe I was lucky - she was caring, compassionate, helpful, & more - everything you'd want a caregiver to be. But she also liked me as a client.

I lived with my SO & realize your experience is different. The most important thing is to know the specifics of your contract, then you can decide if she's taking advantage of your mother.

it is so hard to find a good caregiver these days. just talk to her. It seems she spend a lot of time if she is eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. if your mom has gotten used to her and she is nice to mom, please do not change so quickly.

I’m not at all surprised to see commenters on both sides of this question. My answer was going to be I could go either way depending on the circumstances. I understand your point of view that agency employees should behave professionally especially with what you’re paying. But the employees are, in the end, just people. And they are not very well paid for what’s expected of them. The three meals a day wouldn’t bother me at all, obviously she is there at all three mealtimes. It’s probably more than worth it for your mother to have the company, no? Plus if she’s actually cooking, it’s not really much more expensive to cook for two. (Not so with frozen dinners I know). Same with the laundry- if she’s doing your mother’s laundry, throwing in a few of her own things doesn’t seem like a big deal. Different story if she’s bringing over a whole family’s laundry, of course. The one thing I do have a problem with is ordering things for herself on your dime. Is this done regularly, or was it just once? I could see a scenario where she thought your mom might like something but was wrong.
I’d say if it bothers you speak up and say something to her. Don’t get her in trouble with her employer unless it’s something you’d dismiss her for. Give her a chance to explain or change her habits first.

I’ve never had a caregiver eat my food, unless I offered it.
No! You’re not being selfish.
They always brought their own food. Now… you have the horrible dilemma of stopping it delicately.
If it were me, I’d talk to the agency. If she/he is self employed, well… that’s a different situation. I guess it depends on how much “extra care” they do for you. If they are expected to do laundry, wash dishes and other things (like a house cleaner- that’s above and beyond care) then yes. You should feed them meals.
Its kinda up to you and the quality of care she receives

As a longtime caregiver, I found that you would usually not want to eat the client's food because you never know when the family will be hiding the client's medication in the food, and you wouldn't want to use their washer/dryer because you don't know what medical issues the client might have. Usually the clients will offer these things to you, and you know to refuse. Unless there was some issue that the caregiver was vomited on or some other way soiled during work and didn't have a change of clothing or access to her own way of doing laundry? Unless she really needed to eat and for some reason could not bring her own food? If there is an issue with the cargivers salary that she doesn't have food, perhaps talk to your parent and ask if she is offering the food and laundering? Being a caregiver does involve lots of extra doing laundry and there is a cost involved if it's not offset by the agency. Your Mom might have offered if it might have meant the difference to the relationship with the caregiver. It can be a good idea for family to be involved enough with the family member to know the situation, and to get to know the caregiver if they are comfortable with them. It can be hard to find a good fit with the caregiver and client and if they are happy with each other they might have come to their own arrangement so each is happy. Find out if your mother is uncomfortable with the caregiver or if she would be uncomfortable with the idea of changing caregivers instead.

Good grief.

We would be dismissed immediately. Taking food to this extent isn't just bending the rules (the rule in our service is: no gifts or hospitality of any description), it does actually amount to theft.

The agency has been made aware of the issue... What do you mean? Have you stated in terms, preferably in writing, that you have footage of this worker taking and eating your mother's food, adding items to her shopping list that are not for her benefit, and helping herself to three square meals a day... I can hardly believe what I'm typing.

Anyway - you told the agency this, and they said what, exactly?

Why not ask the caregiver what the accepted practice is regarding meals. Does the caregiver have a long shift? How many days a week does she work? Would it be hard for her to find time to do her laundry on her own time? Is she a kind and good caregiver except for the food and laudry? It's not easy to get caregivers these days, and they don't make a high wage, especially when working through the agency. Food prices are also rising. You may want to accommodate the meals and laundry as much as your mother can, with her budget. Is your mother underfed? Would she like the things that the caregiver is cooking for herself? Maybe the meal plan would be something to discuss with the caregiver, and also that your mother has a limited income.

Had a similar experience with the aide saying my Dad wanted pizza! You need to fire that person.

Call the agency you hired her through and ask for clarity on what is expected as benefits of the job: are meals a benefit or is she just mooching. Would she understand why it's really not fair or reasonable when the patient is on a fixed income and dependent on you for necessities?

What did the agency say when you told them about the meals...and I hope you told them about the laundry,too.

First I would figure up the cost of the food that she eats at your house each today Plus what she wants you to buy on the grocery list. Then I would sit down and have a talk with your mom's caregiver. I would add up the costs of all the food that she consumes and request and figure out a per meal cost that would cover the expense she encouraged your mom. During your talk with her I would advise her of the amount of food she's eating per day and what it cost per meal to feed her. Logically I would explain to her that you expected to feed her once each and every day because
she is there during the lunch hour. Logically I would explain to her that you expected to feed her once each and every day because she is there during the lunch hour. But I would explain that feeding her 3 times A-day is becoming very cost prohibitive to you and if she continues eat 3 meals A-day you are now charging for the 2nd and 3rd meal she eats at your Mom's house each day.. Like most jobs the employee is expected to eat breakfast before they go to work and then have supper when they leave work and explain it common sense to her or she can't argue with.. By giving her the one meal you're sounding Very logical and adding the bonus to her work day.. That's my thought on it.. I hope it helped and good luck because I'm also Having problems with my caregiver as well. Linda

PS. My husband's thought on this mess is to simply contact the agency she works for and explain the situation to them and let them deal with it. That's a second thought and also a very very sound. Hopefully one will get the results you need.

It's inappropriate and unprofessional. I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.
If she were working at a nursing home, would she be doing this at work? I think not.
Certainly, adding things for herself to your mother's shopping list is embezzlement. Theft. That is not petty, or pithy. You're describing criminal and unethical behavior.

The same thing applies to bringing her laundry there and increasing your mother's utility costs, and wear and tear on her equipment.

I don't care how petty or picayune or "small" people might think these issues are. At a professional facility, paying the same or less an hour, you would be fired, and likely arrested, for these thefts and thefts of services.

Ask the agency for a new caregiver. This is unacceptable behavior. The caregiver should bring her own food and not use your mom's home for her own needs.

LLJQ1023: This is unacceptable.

Absolutely unacceptable. That is theft of food and theft of services for the laundry. Call the agency and have them address it and make sure that if the caregiver had a key that you change the locks.

Oh yes.....I had a caregiver 2 years ago who was helping herself to our food. The first inkling I had was when my mother said to me "it's not your responsibility to provide food for these girls". I didn't act on it because I wasn't sure. Then one day I walked in and the caregiver had defrosted some hamburger meat and was cooking herself a big juicy hamburger - and making a mess in my kitchen. Her excuse to me was that it helped my mother to eat her food if she had someone to eat with. I let her go.

I had a different caregiver stealing toilet paper back in 2020. I caught that on my driveway camera. I would have given her some if she had asked. She's also no longer with us.

All of that to say.....if I were in your shoes, the caregiver would have to go as soon as possible. Plus, if you're even a little bit concerned that she would "be mean to her", that is another reason to give her the boot. Quickly.

She is obviously untrustworthy and is taking advantage of the situation. I wouldn't let her near my mother.

Peace.

You are not wrong. My husband has caregivers through an agency and I have worked for an agency. I was trained that caregivers are not to engage in any personal activity in the home. If the caregiver is there for more than 4 hours they can eat a meal. But, they are to bring their own food and eat when their client eats. That means after their client has their food in front of them. Eating is a social event and having someone to eat with an elderly person can prompt them to eat. Your caregiver is stealing food and the use of your appliances from your mother. I would have to ask what else would she help herself to after she becomes more familiar. You should call the top person in your agency to let them know you have reported this and request a different caregiver be assigned. You can change agencies. Don't let an agency hold your mother captive in her own home!

Right now the priority for me is to have the best possible care for my husband.
Workplace shortages, economy, inflation, created conditions which nobody could predict and most of us are not prepared for.
Paying good caregiver and appreciating that person, after all, doing it myself I know this is hard work, so now in addition to burden taxes, vacation pay, statutory holidays, WCB ins, some extra like meals is not big deal. It is that delicate balance of workplace and workplace being at home, but to exclude somebody from eating, well, this is not manor house and they not servants to eat later. We won’t be eating filet mignon or caviar and champagne is not going to be served, it will be more of meatloaf and meatballs dishes.
Seriously, I prefer a person who will be here doing good job, so important at this point.

If Dad's caregiver cooked healthy meals from what we bought, we encouraged her to eat with him. Other food I don't think it's right but she would have him order lots of pizza so she could take a pizza home like twice a week. we didn't find that out until after he was incapacitated but I was mad about that because he shouldn't be even eating pizza when he is on a low sodium diet. OK like maybe a slice but not a whole pizza! Erg I think it depends a lot on context.