I truly do not have a problem with her eating one meal, but she eats breakfast, lunch and dinner. I think what has sent me over the edge as of late is that she will put items on the grocery list that she does not give my mom. She will prepare them for herself and never offer it to my mom. I know this because we have cameras in my mom's home for her safety when she is left alone for short periods of time. I have noticed that she will also bring her clothes to wash as well. Understand that my mom speaks very little English and she will not ask her for much of anything. I feel that it is out of fear that the caregiver will be mean to her. My mom is also on a fixed income. Not that we don't supplement when needed. However, I do not feel we should have to provide 3 meals for an agency's employee. And...yes the agency has been made aware of the issue. As far as I can tell, it has not been addressed. Should I address the caregiver?
You need to talk to this paid employee about house rules. I would even put it in writing. If they continue, I would terminate them. I would not want someone around who is taking food or whatever without permission.
House rules are VERY important to establish.
The caregiver may not have a washing machine at home and that may be why she is bringing her clothes to wash. If it does not interfere with her caring for your mother it's not a problem. However she should have asked your permission.
You should know what items on the grocery list are for your mother's benefit and what are not. Only get items that benefit your mother.
The agency are probably finding it hard to get staff and that's probably why they did nothing. If you can't find another caregiver take steps to ensure she does not get items to use for herself only on the grocery list.
There's no problem with her having 3 meals a day if she ensures your mother eats well. Let her use the washing machine once or twice a week but no more. The quality of care your mother gets is a priority.
WOW. You are a very angry and pathetic person. That's very sad. I don't know what planet you're living on. Yes, I admit that I am burned out on caregiving. I would have thought my screen name 'BurntCaregiver' would have given that away. Maybe you're the one who struggles with literacy issues not me. I'm done in the paid caregiver field and soon-to-be done with being an unpaid family one as well. Believe me, I rejoice. However, I was a professional in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I know every story and every situation.
The OP went the extra mile for her mother by having cameras installed so she could watch the caregiver who likely earns minimum wage with no benefits. That's not a bad idea if a family is respectful about it. Yet there's no consideration for her mother who can't even communicate with the caregiver because she doesn't speak English. Hour after hour with a person you can't even have a conversation with. The poor mother's life must be a real pleasure. Or if she's ill can't let her caregiver know.
Yes, your language is aggressive. Ridiculous would actually be the more accurate description.
Is the rude advantage-taking caregiver a live-in? If she's there for three meals a day, that sounds like a live-in.
Would you expect a live-in caregiver or one putting in so many hours that they take breakfast, lunch, and dinner at work to bring their clothes to a laundry mat when there is a washer and dryer right there?
What's the caregiver supposed to do with her client when she's off washing her clothes somewhere else? Bring the elderly client who can't communicate with them to the laundry mat. SMH...
I would say that you are very likely a person who goes through every caregiver an agency has.
Sorry, but you're not so special that there will be 'Downton Abbey' quality servants to wait upon your every need and demand. I'm going to take a wild guess here and say you probably couldn't afford that kind of help anyway. Who can though?
I pity the poor wretch who has been brought down so low by life that they have to work as a caregiver for the likes of you. I think I'd tolerate your crap for all of five minutes before walking out the door and leaving you with a parting message of two words. One starting with a great big and the other with a nice..
Yet, I was employed as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. Some of those years agency-hired, most in private-pay working for myself. Never been let go from a position. Never replaced for a reason other than cheaper help was found, and never walked away without a sterling reference from every agency or private family I ever worked for.
I'm going to do my daily mitzvah (good deed for the day) and give you some sound advice.
Good and trustworthy caregivers like myself do not stay long with people like you. I don't know if you need caregivers now or don't. If you do, I most strongly suggest you put away the Victorian-era 'lord/lady of the manor' attitude towards your help or you're going to be out of luck finding and keeping decent help.
Have a nice day.
The caregiver can’t have a direct conversation with her client as they don’t speak the same language. And beyond the language barrier, not every offer from a client should be accepted in general. If a client tried to give you her wedding ring, for example, you’d probably say no.
Common sense should apply in this situation, too, on both sides.
Good luck.
Colleen
Clearly your intention is only to inflame the people here with your nonsense and aggressive language.
You do not know what the caregiver situation is with the OP's mother.
The mother could very well have given her permission about the food and use of the washing machine. She could very well have also insisted.
If you knew the first thing about being an elderly caregiving, you would know that many times the sweetest, loveliest elder will insist that their caregiver eat what they want, or use what they want, or ask them to bring their kids to work, or accept money and gifts from them.
The second that caregiver's shift is over or it's their day off they are a live-in, the sweet and lovely elder will tear them down to whoever will listen. They will accuse them of everything from stealing to actual abuse. So much of the time the caregiver gets in trouble when they did nothing wrong. All they are guilty of is believing bit of show timing from an elder when they shouldn't have.
You are exactly right. Forcing the caregiver to take their meals with the client is indeed depriving the worker of their lunch/dinner break. This may be the agency's 'policy' but often times company policies are contrary to a state's labor laws.
In my state, it is the law that anyone working an eight-hour day must get two (15 minute) breaks a day and at least 30 minutes for lunch. Years ago I worked at a lovely AL facility. The administrator instructed me that I was to take my lunch with the residents in the dining room. I refused. I was good at my job and did it well. I needed that 30 minute break during the day. I was honest with the administrator that it was wrong to expect me to eat my lunch with the residents in the dining room. Who could choke down a meal while several people are picking up the food like animals and slopping all over the place? Or the ones who constantly burped and farted? We had more than a few of those.
The administrator didn't take her meals in the dining room. Neither did her two assistants, the receptionist, the maintenance people, or anyone else. I stopped eating lunch for a while and would eat a snack at my desk in my tiny office which was pretty much a desk, phone, and the cabinet where the resident meds were kept.
She wanted free supervision for the residents while they ate. I did not get paid for lunch. It was the facility's 'policy'. I took this up with CT Department of Labor and it turns out that 'policy' was illegal. I had a right to take my lunch wherever I wanted. They also had to pay me for all the lunch breaks I was deprived of.
I encourage all agency-employed caregivers to have regular communication with their state's labor department. In caregiving, agencies and facilities alike will make a 'policy' and present it to their workers like it is law. Many times, it's not even legal.
Assumptions can and often do lead to false conclusions
Your post says your mom doesn’t ask. Another assumption is she isn’t interested in whatever food the caregiver is eating at the time.
Caregivers are notoriously underpaid and often under appreciated as well. She’s doing one of the most important things caring for your mom and struggling w the reality of the very low income agencies give their caregiver employees. If it were me I would be more than happy to let her eat meals while she’s there and would’ve taken the initiative to ask her on my own if there’s any particular foods she likes.
Colleen
If your mom gets good care from this woman and likes her , a simple statement like” we would like you to bring your own food with you “ might be all you have to say . You might also let her know there are cameras there , too. If she’s uncomfortable with that, she will leave. Good help is hard to find ..
It is criminal, poor work ethic, and lack of integrity. Ask first. Accept an offer first. Fine. Take and not ask anyone? Theft.
Workplace shortages, economy, inflation, created conditions which nobody could predict and most of us are not prepared for.
Paying good caregiver and appreciating that person, after all, doing it myself I know this is hard work, so now in addition to burden taxes, vacation pay, statutory holidays, WCB ins, some extra like meals is not big deal. It is that delicate balance of workplace and workplace being at home, but to exclude somebody from eating, well, this is not manor house and they not servants to eat later. We won’t be eating filet mignon or caviar and champagne is not going to be served, it will be more of meatloaf and meatballs dishes.
Seriously, I prefer a person who will be here doing good job, so important at this point.
I had a different caregiver stealing toilet paper back in 2020. I caught that on my driveway camera. I would have given her some if she had asked. She's also no longer with us.
All of that to say.....if I were in your shoes, the caregiver would have to go as soon as possible. Plus, if you're even a little bit concerned that she would "be mean to her", that is another reason to give her the boot. Quickly.
She is obviously untrustworthy and is taking advantage of the situation. I wouldn't let her near my mother.
Peace.
There's one possibility that's being overlooked here. The OP's mother (client) could very well have given not only her permission for the caregiver to eat meals with her and do her laundry, but likely could have insisted. Then complain to anyone who will listen that the caregiver eating her food and using her washing machine and that she is afraid the caregiver will be mean to her or worse if she doesn't allow it.
I did this line of work for almost 25 years. Believe me this happens all the time. The client is nice as pie to the caregiver and they get along famously when they're together. When they aren't the client will complain to their family or anyone else who will listen and accuse the caregiver of every evil deed they can think of. This happens all the time. I've had it happen to me many times over the years. When I was agency help they would take me off an assignment. When I went private duty I would take myself off one.
When I leave a position, I will not return for any reason no matter what I'm offered. Every client and family knows this on the first day I go to work for them.
I've had different agency supervisors call me and ask if I would return to someone's service because they requested me back. When I went private care I had clients who would call me in tears begging me to come back. Or they'd have their families call and try to sweeten the deal with me if I'd come back.
If I leave a position, I will not return for any reason no matter what I'm offered. I never see or speak to the client ever again. Every family and client knows on the very first day I start with them that this is my policy and boundary. I will not play that game.
It could very likely be that the OP's mother is playing this game with her caregiver. The caregiver doesn't think she's doing anything wrong because no one said anything to her and the client is totally fine with it.
If she were working at a nursing home, would she be doing this at work? I think not.
Certainly, adding things for herself to your mother's shopping list is embezzlement. Theft. That is not petty, or pithy. You're describing criminal and unethical behavior.
The same thing applies to bringing her laundry there and increasing your mother's utility costs, and wear and tear on her equipment.
I don't care how petty or picayune or "small" people might think these issues are. At a professional facility, paying the same or less an hour, you would be fired, and likely arrested, for these thefts and thefts of services.
she is there during the lunch hour. Logically I would explain to her that you expected to feed her once each and every day because she is there during the lunch hour. But I would explain that feeding her 3 times A-day is becoming very cost prohibitive to you and if she continues eat 3 meals A-day you are now charging for the 2nd and 3rd meal she eats at your Mom's house each day.. Like most jobs the employee is expected to eat breakfast before they go to work and then have supper when they leave work and explain it common sense to her or she can't argue with.. By giving her the one meal you're sounding Very logical and adding the bonus to her work day.. That's my thought on it.. I hope it helped and good luck because I'm also Having problems with my caregiver as well. Linda
PS. My husband's thought on this mess is to simply contact the agency she works for and explain the situation to them and let them deal with it. That's a second thought and also a very very sound. Hopefully one will get the results you need.
We would be dismissed immediately. Taking food to this extent isn't just bending the rules (the rule in our service is: no gifts or hospitality of any description), it does actually amount to theft.
The agency has been made aware of the issue... What do you mean? Have you stated in terms, preferably in writing, that you have footage of this worker taking and eating your mother's food, adding items to her shopping list that are not for her benefit, and helping herself to three square meals a day... I can hardly believe what I'm typing.
Anyway - you told the agency this, and they said what, exactly?
No! You’re not being selfish.
They always brought their own food. Now… you have the horrible dilemma of stopping it delicately.
If it were me, I’d talk to the agency. If she/he is self employed, well… that’s a different situation. I guess it depends on how much “extra care” they do for you. If they are expected to do laundry, wash dishes and other things (like a house cleaner- that’s above and beyond care) then yes. You should feed them meals.
Its kinda up to you and the quality of care she receives
I’d say if it bothers you speak up and say something to her. Don’t get her in trouble with her employer unless it’s something you’d dismiss her for. Give her a chance to explain or change her habits first.
I would contact her employer immediately and ask that she be terminated. Just as I would go after a priest that molests a child. Why would I want to foist that problem or worse on another family?