I had moved her walker away from her bed and have a baby monitor so she can wake me up to get assisted to the bathroom because she is such a fall risk. Last night she reached to unlock her walker ( it’s at the foot of the bed not within her reach). She reached, got her walker and went to the bathroom herself… I heard her rustling around but it was with her phone on the nightstand. When I came down this morning her walker was at the side of her bed. I questioned at first if I had forgotten to move it and she said I got up myself and went to the bathroom. I am infuriated with her. I said how did you get hurt last time you reached? I am at the end of my rope. She said thanks for the encouragement… her usual projection to put it on me. I can’t keep her safe and I have two siblings that blame me for everything. I told her that because of her blatant disregard for my wishes and doing whatever she wants that now she is going to have to go somewhere else. I purchased a house with a next gen suite for her so she could feel independent even though I am right here, we are moving in a few weeks. I told her if she gets hurt, she is on her own. She just doesn’t listen and I see no reason to kill myself and stress out over her safety if she is just going to disregard the measures put in place. She is going to do what she wants and compromises her own well being. I also have MS and this has been a big sacrifice. I am also an RN and know what is best for her. Her NP, and OT agree with me that she shouldn’t be doing these things. She broke her clavicle in December and just got cleared by the ortho yesterday to use her arm. I asked her if she just forgot and she said no, she didn’t want to wake me up. I understand she thinks she is being considerate but we have had this discussion before about me needing to be with her getting up to the bathroom. She lied about reaching to the walker. I showed her what she did. Is it wrong that I am done? I can’t keep living with this. Between my narcissistic siblings nastiness, accusations, and her lying I just don’t want to live my life with this dysfunction! I went to many years of counseling to free myself of narcissistic abuse. Am I crazy? I feel like she needs to be somewhere else. I can’t have no life not being able to ever leave her and on top of it deal with her lies, the dynamics of my family and know she is going to end up on the floor again! Is it wrong that I want her to be somewhere else? I promised her I would never do it but I won’t live my life in this cesspool of dysfunction any longer! I told her if she gets hurt doing something she shouldn’t it’s on her and I won’t pick up the pieces again. We are moving in 4 weeks and if something happens it’s on her and I have to move forward with my life.
Think of your promise as being a ‘wish’. That’s what it was, and it included a wish that it would be workable in x years’ time. Probably also a wish that you would still be alive - which you could never guarantee..
Why can't she walk alone?
Why must she obey your commands?
You want to REDUCE her risk of falls right?
Any fall minimisation strategy should ideally be accepted by the person it is for. If memory issues mean she won't remember, or she disagrees with your advice, or is a 'risk taker' - she will walk if she wants to.
I know you are trying to protect her, but if the aim is to prevent ALL falls - you may be setting yourself up to fail occasionally. How about working towards *reducing* falls instead?
By placing Mom's walker out of reach - that has actually INcreased her risk of a fall - falling on the way to reach her walker.
How about keeping the walker within her reach but adding bells to it instead so you hear her?
(By 'risk taker' I don't mean elders that have taken up parachuting or other high risk sports - but take risks within their daily lives. This can vary so much but could be crossing roads or driving with poor eyesight or simply walking with their walker to the bathroom alone).
Also, an unstable elder needing constant supervision becomes exhausting. Even for aged care staff but especially for a solo caregiver at home. This level of ongoing stress will not be good for your own health issues. Please seek help asap to get relief.
So you continue to allow her to negatively affect your own health.
"I went to many years of counseling to free myself of narcissistic abuse."
But you're not there yet, because if you were you would have moved her somewhere else already.
"I told her that because of her blatant disregard for my wishes and doing whatever she wants that now she is going to have to go somewhere else. I purchased a house with a next gen suite for her so she could feel independent even though I am right here, we are moving in a few weeks."
"Is it wrong that I want her to be somewhere else? I promised her I would never do it but I won’t live my life in this cesspool of dysfunction any longer! I told her if she gets hurt doing something she shouldn’t it’s on her and I won’t pick up the pieces again. We are moving in 4 weeks and if something happens it’s on her and I have to move forward with my life."
You know that you would NOT abandon her if she fell and hurt herself, and she knows that.
Time to walk the talk. When you both move in 4 weeks, her move needs to be to a facility. Who cares what you promised her years ago? If she doesn't want to go, then she can convince one of your siblings to take her in. Just because they don't do anything, you don't have to do more.
I am with CTTN here. Time to call her bluff. Your can rent out that area that was just for her. Tell her the next time she falls and a Hospital is needed, she won't be coming home she will go straight to the NH. You can do this if she goes to Rehab. Ask for a 24/7 eval and if its determined she needs 24/7 care you have her transferred to LTC. Where I live, Rehab and LTC is in the same building so easy transition. I am not beyond a little threat. But, if this situation does come up, you need to follow thru. She needs to realize you r serious.
If your siblings don't agree with your decision, tell them they can take her. She is no longer your problem.
yes.
as someone recently posted, some elderly parents (only you know OP if it applies to your mother), behave like little devils.
My MIL has MS. She now also has multiple other conditions that exacerbate her ms and vice versa. She will live shorter because of the stress.
This is her or you. The next time she has to go to the ER will be the last time if you simply tell them she can’t stay with you. Unsafe for her and you.
“She just doesn’t listen and I see no reason to kill my self and stress out over her safety if she is just going to disregard the measures put in place.”
I worry about falls. My mother disregards the measures, too.
My mother does it intentionally, to add stress in my life.
When I’m with her, she even decides to do even riskier things; this way, if something happens, I have to deal with more problems.
We have aides.
You mother, as you well know, wasn’t being considerate. She took a risk, which could have ended in disaster. The considerate thing (and your mother knows this), is to give you peace of mind and follow your instructions.
My grandfather (sweet, calm man) always followed instructions. Always.
Sweet people want to give other people peace of mind and less work (less emergencies/disasters). They work together with you to avoid things. Not against you.