My mother-in-law is asking my adult children for money. How can they say no to grandma?

Have husband call grandma. Tell "we're so shocked to hear that there is financial abuse going on from Brother. Would you like us to talk to him, or shall we call APS and the police?"

I would stay out of it. If your children are adults, it is their choice.

My husband did ask her if he needed to confront the brother about anything. She said no.

Tell your children that they should tell your MIL fine, but only if their father agrees. They should then immediately tell your husband amount requested and the reason for it.

That way, they don't have to say no to grandma but they mustn't hand over any money, either. In fact, no one should put in any money until you've found out exactly what's going on. I mean, what if she's funding drug abuse or something ghastly like that?

"NO" is a complete sentence - shame on grandma!!!

I agree, tell your children to say to grandma....only after I call APS and the police to report uncle for this abuse.

I bet grandma backs off in a real hurry...and it stops ..

You can find out if your brother is law is taking her SS check before she even sees it and using it for himself, leaving her with nothing. Or if she pays no bills at the house, she could be blowing through her check in a week or two and finding that she needs somebody to float her until her next check. How much is she getting per month? But I still would get APS involved.

I’m assuming you and your husband have been married for a while since you have adult children. I believe that gives you the right to tell your mother-in-law to knock it off. And tell your kids they aren’t to give grandma any more money no matter what she says, period. Are you cordial with BIL? Have a frank talk with him as well and tell him what MIL is saying. It’s not exactly blowing the whistle on him, it will let him know you’re aware. If it continues, then get APS involved.

I wouldn't "tell" the kids what to do -- they are adults. But I would explain my concerns and "advise" them (if they want advice after they've heard your concerns).

If anyone contacts APS, it should someone who was told directly that she was being financially exploited. That would be one of the kids. Otherwise it is a "he said that she said" second hand report.

Since your MIL is a known spendthrift then "evil" BIL could have done nothing worse than set up a budget and restrict her money, I think calling in APS without at least speaking to them both first is a nuclear option.

Let me expand upon my answer. I think you give grandma a "forced choice". Either you'll talk to Bil or the police and as will--when you are shown the evidence.

Is gm developing dementia? Thinking that folks are stealing from you is sometimes an early sign.

20 years ago, my hubby and I had a similar situation with his Mom being in insurmountable credit card debt. $50K+ and Dad was unaware of the extreme debt. Truly shocking...She began to offer her 5+ credit cards to her 4 children to use with the condition that they pay the monthly amounts. At the time the only fix was to help arrange a remortgage of their home. Nowadays the credit card companies can be contacted for a settlement offer.

I suggest that the people who are being asked for money respond with a simple, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. (Not, "no" or "I won't." but a simple "I can't.) No explanation. End of discussion.

I have a friend whose brother accused her of messing with their father's $$. (She is the POA, so legally she has access to the father's accts).  He actually reported her. My friend was cleared of any charges which were brought up to the Dept. of Aging in our state. However, the relationship between this sister, brother and other family members are severed forever. Get the facts first. There may be more information that needs to be uncovered.

You have already answered your question. Your children are grown so yes they can do with their money as they choose. Your husband needs to ask his brother is he taking his mother's money which happens often. If she is so able-bodied, why is she living with her son. Your stress is because you stated you have a strained relationship so anything she does will agitate you. Would you rather her live with you? You adult children know how to say no. I would suggest as I did with my husband's very large family to stop buying trinket gifts and collaborate and give money gifts so they can buy as they wish. Toiletries, batteries, cleaning supplies, car upkeep is a strain on fixed income seniors. There is no stress here other than what you are creating. Just keep saying to yourself, she is not living with me and breathe...

Are your adult children OK with giving her the money? If so, then back off. For any not OK with it, they have to learn how to say "no, I can't right now". I wouldn't be surprised if the spendthrift MIL was put on a budget by your BIL. Or he is using her SS check to pay her bills or her share of household expenses, which to her is "draining her financially". I, too, have a strained relationship with my MIL and it is tested daily.

If she is asking for money then whoever has a right to know where the money is going. At the far end - has she fallen for a senior scam like a romance scam? Is she falling for the lottery scams? If not, then where is she spending her money? Have the kids offered to help her with a budget? And how much money are we talking about? $20 a month? $100 a month? It is only going to get worse for her as she ages. Her check will not go up much and will only stretch so far. Good for you for delving into this. Not to be too much of a downer but your kids and you have to be careful with your money because the political climate is not indicating that Medicare and Social Security will be a sure thing when you come of age.

I'm sure she doesn't want anybody talking to the son she lives with because she's probably afraid, justified or not, that he will get angry and take it out on her; at least that's what I ran into with hub's aunt, even though she doesn't actually live with her son, she lives next door to him, and would tell me all kind of things; she wasn't asking for money, but she would talk about how tight things were because of him since he'd been put on her and hub's - her hub's, mine's uncle - account so had access and would take it out, ostensibly to buy things for them but he never actually noted that or not really sure she could account for what it was actually for, though he might have been able to, but it did somewhat start when they had their grandson, not his child, child of another child, but who also would call and ask for money, even with a caregiver there, which could, of course, be where some of the money was going, by him, not her, to the caregiver, not the child, she would do that, but I believe when it started happening with the caregiver there, this child had asked that the caregiver report it to him, which could be he was trying to stop that, so...a lot of factors could be in play here

Tell your kids there is no good reason you know to give grandma money and you advise against it. Tell them in an email, copy your husband, and follow up immediately with phone calls. Time for a paper trail.

You said she doesn't support herself but gets SS. I'd ask whoever supports her if she helps in anyway $ & does he give her a set spending money as she has been asking people for money. You want to know if she is involved in a scam or over spending. Hope she doesn't have a credit cd & if she does she may be paying min. Have your children go w her to pay for what she plans to spend money on. They could convience have no cash so can go w her to pay w their cc. Good to ck.

More information is necessary, in my humble opinion. Since you don't have a good relationship with her, the information will probably have to be obtained by your husband. It might be a good idea to have a meeting with everybody involved---MIL, husband's brother, husband, your children that she has been shaking down for money & yourself. Bring it all out into the open & find out what's going on. Then she will have the opportunity to voice whatever her financial problems are to everyone, and if there is some sort of "draining" happening, that will be brought out into the open too. That might be a good time to suggest that she get a job if she feels that she requires more than her SS check allows her.

Agree that your adult children can give their money away to Gma, if they so choose. However, you are still their Mom & you also have a right to let them know what the facts are - once those facts are found out. I would think your adult children would appreciate the fact that you are putting a spotlight on Gma's probable waste of their hard earned money in something shady. Your husband should step up to investigate, his mother and his children too.

Correction: POSSIBLE waste of their hard earned money. Sorry - never want to assume.

The first thing you're going to want to do is review of her finances and see where all her money is going. If she does digital banking, it should be easy to track where her money went. If she pays cash, I would look for all of the receipts and even canceled checks for at least the last several months to see were all of her money has been going. I would see if maybe she's being scammed, you might want to check the trash or anywhere else around the house for any junk mail to see if she may be getting these mail orders that are supposed to be scams promising empty promises so many people don't know are empty promises.


Bills amounts

I would see if you can get a hold of her bills to see how much they are each month and see how you may help her save some money by either dropping unneeded services or cutting back somewhere. If she gets TV services like most people do, see what package she has. You can help her cut back if there are any ways to cut back on her package so she still has TV service. If she doesn't really watch TV that much, you may actually see if she'll just go ahead and drop it along with any other unneeded subscriptions. Instead of newspapers, just get your news online instead. Newspapers are nice, but they can pile up if you save them and they can take up valuable space. Going digital and just using Yahoo or even Facebook, Twitter or other free online service to get news is actually much better. In fact, I get all my news online and I don't subscribe to no magazine or newspaper when I can get everything free online. Why by what you can get free?


Scams, fraud and elder financial abuse

One thing you're going to want to see is who is hanging around your MIL that you all may not know. Maybe there someone you don't know or know that well hanging around your MIL. You may also as described here investigate anyone that you do know who's hanging around her without being judgemental about it. Just ask questions and get some answers. Just let them know that your MIL cannot afford to be shelling out money to anyone. If someone needs a temporary loan, that should be in writing in the form of a promissory note signed by involved parties. Both parties should have a copy whether giving a personal loan or selling something on credit with plans of repayment on a specific day. It's one thing to have a small temporary loan if someone truly needs it but another if you're not repaying someone who really needs their money and they don't have much income. Your MIL is unemployed, she needs her money probably far worse than those who may be taking it. It's one thing if she's helping someone who truly needs it and they were to make some form of repayment arrangement which is the first thing on my mind if I were ever in a situation and someone helped me. It's the first thing to ask is how, when and where to find them for repayment and actually do it unless the money is a gift from someone well to do and they decline repayment so then you pay it forward and help someone else in return and honor to them. In the case of low income recipients though, you should always be looking out for them, such is the case with your MIL. I don't know what the situation really is since I'm not there to observe it so you may want to do some investigating to look deeper into the situation. What you may want to do is make sure someone is looking out for your MIL, and make sure no one takes advantage of her (if they are). If she happens to have had a savings and anyone drained it, someone is going to have to go after all of that money with interest and you may need an eldercare lawyer helping to get that money back. Eldercare lawyers are experts on setting legal protections in place and protecting elders. They can also use the legal system and put liens on all bank accounts and other assets to regain lost money. If by chance someone is taking advantage of your MIL, this will definitely require the help of a lawyer.


Going digital

If she carries cash, teach her about digital banking and how to keep it all in the bank and never carry cash again. That way, cash is never lost or stolen but you can still use it by using your debit card and running it as credit. I just found out there are some businesses that don't take debit cards and only take regular credit cards. Regular credit cards are actually a fraud if you think about it and I personally wouldn't do no business with anyone who wouldn't take my debit card since it's the same thing as a regular credit card except it's prepaid. Make sure she doesn't have any regular credit cards where she could be charged interest and other fees. She needs to save every dime possible. She can't afford to be shelling out money to no one, especially if she gets Social Security in any form. I once knew someone I thought was my friend but there were some questionable things that were showing. I started questioning some things but since I was lonely I didn't really think much more of them until one day he called me right on my pay day knowing when I got paid and asked me to lend him 15 bucks. For some reason I just knew not to lend him the money because something I had a bit of a feeling I might not get it back. I had to explain but I don't lend money. Just because I don't lend money doesn't necessarily mean I won't help you in some other way, I will. I don't think he understood this, and he didn't really elaborate much on what the money is for just that it was for something he needed. I had to explain to him that maybe he should speak with his boss and get a raise or see about getting a second job. I further explained to him that he can live without my money, I cannot. I further explained that he can replace money much easier than I can on fixed income. I also explained that SSI is really meant only for the recipient and is really only enough for them for that month. It's not meant for them to be shelling out money to everyone else and then I further explained that he is not even entitled to federal benefits and that he should look for more work if he really needs more money. After I gave him the talk, he quit talking to me right away but I didn't realize this until the next day when I sent him a text as though we never had that talk. No reply so I waited. Something inside very quickly told me to go ahead and remove him from my contacts that he would never reply. There comes a time in your life you must learn about that gut feeling and that you must listen to it, it's not just in your head as some people may think.

I don't know if your MIL ever had a bad feeling about anyone who may have been trying to get money from her, but I think it's about time she learns how to recognize it, tune in and listen to what's being said. I don't know how many times I had a gut feeling I ignored only to have that gut feeling turn out to be right too many times, countless times. One time someone was supposed to pick me up and I was supposed to meet them somewhere. I sat there and waited and waited and waited for about a half hour when something finally told me they weren't coming. Of course I thought this was all in my head and I ignored it and ended up waiting two hours before I finally had to pick up and leave. Needless to say, that gut feeling turned out to be right again. There was a big situation I won't go into here that came up in my life and that gut feeling I ended up fighting for years because I thought it was something contradictory to something I was expecting. It turns out that feeling again turned out to be right and I had to except that what I was expecting was actually something I missed. I thought an internal battle for years over this matter I was expecting to happen to change my life for the better only to find out I was waiting for something that wasn't happening and I didn't know why and I know what God showed me, and I know it was true because it came from him. He showed me this year's ago and then caught up with me 10 years later and I saw it again. I got ready expecting this thing to happen only to find out in the end and realize it turns out to be something I missed.

Your MIL should learn to listen to that gut feeling that helps us in a time of need. Sadly, too many people don't recognize this as not being in their heads and will go against it because they think it's in their heads only to be disappointed. It took me years to finally start learning to observe when I had a feeling about something. I was reluctant, but I eventually had to start watching and learning when I had a feeling about something. It's not easy at first to start listening to that feeling and I think where your MIL's finances are concerned, I think she needs to start learning how to listen to that same gut feeling. She obviously doesn't listen to it and if so, probably not too well or she probably would not be losing money like she is. The first place I would look is at her bank account to see if she has someone on it, and I'm sure anyone would know that if she's being taken advantage of to remove that person from her bank account or move the actual owner to another bank account with their money. If the person who was added to the old account wants to keep it, then they must contribute to it. Otherwise, it should be closed. Your MIL really needs to review her own situation and if she gets a gut feeling that says she needs to take action to stop whatever is going on that shouldn't be, she needs to listen to that and do what that feeling says because that gut feeling is usually right. That that gut feeling is so much more than just instinct, it's actually God speaking to you though so many people don't know it because too many people don't recognize his voice. Whatever you're going through, God cares about your situation and wants to help if you let him. If your MIL is being financially abused, God can stop it but it may take cooperation on her part. The reason why she's asking you for money is because her money is going somewhere other than her needs. This would have to be the only reason why she would be asking you all for money. It's one thing if she's legitimately needy and needs extra money each month but it's another if someone is financially abusing her or her money is going to other things other than her immediate needs.

One way I started solving my own financial shortage is I opened an able account and started putting money away since I currently don't have a car and I don't have no other choice but the cut off all spending everywhere. I've spoken to multiple car dealerships and told them my situation and need for a car and I even tried to get financing to no avail. There are dealerships out there who will work with everyone but there doesn't seem to be any in my area that I can get to without going a long distance and it's the getting there that's a problem since they're all too far away. What I'm doing is just pulling the purse strings everywhere I spent money and just not spending anything beyond my immediate bills and a few groceries. I'm sending a strong message to other businesses by just doing my part and hopefully others on fixed income who also need transportation will also start pulling the purse strings and just stop spending anything anywhere. Perhaps this idea would also help your MIL especially in the day wear too many people are hurting financially and going without things they need. Perhaps your MIL would agree to opening her own able account in the state of her choice but be careful, some of them charge maintenance fees and some of them can run expensive. Only go with a state that's free with no maintenance fee. One state I know of is Tennessee, Tennessee is free but I'm sure other states also have free able accounts with no maintenance fees. If you send all of your extra money out of state, if you have no debit card attached to that particular account, you can't touch that money and neither can anyone else touch that money. This is what helped me stop my own financial woes since I am finding myself stuck either at or near home. I'm going to increase the amount going to my able account each month since I'm going to be staying in all winter since I don't have the means to go nowhere, which for me in my situation really sucks. It takes years to even save up enough money for a decent car these days unless you can find one for about one to $2000 which is extremely rare from what I've been noticing since cars that cheap just don't happen too often in my town from what I've been noticing. Your MIL probably has needs that aren't being met and if she happens to be mismanaging her money which really doesn't help her situation especially if she's being scammed or financially abused. This is why opening an able account without the accessibility of a debit card would probably be the answer to stop the financial woes and help her save money. That way, if her insurance happens to not cover a certain type of medication that's prescribed for her, she would have the money to be able to cover it and on days she doesn't have the money, she can go with an alternate brand covered by her insurance. With able accounts though, you just don't spend that money on nothing but a qualified expenses in order to avoid the 10% tax.

One thing you can help her do is maybe set up a bake sale through her local church and raise herself some money. Another thing she can do is try selling off some of her stuff like anything she doesn't use for extra money. This is usually done during the summer when people have private sales in their yards or garages. Perhaps this would be an idea for next summer. Another thing you can see if she'll do is sell some of her unused stuff on eBay. Get to know the market and what customers want most and she's more likely to sell those items. As a private vendor, you can get to know your customers and what some of your regulars like and you can even hold stuff until they get paid as long as they pay you on that day and then send them a special link in their email where they have first-hand access to their stuff when they get paid. This is how I bought my vintage Christmas glassware sets. When I got to where I needed to stop spending for a while, I just let my personal vendor know I needed to start saving for a while.

Here are a few more areas where she can cut her spending if she does any of these:

* Dining out
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* Starbucks
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* Online shopping
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* Mail orders (catalogs)
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* Lending or gifting money (she's not a personal ATM)
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* Goodwill or other thrift shops and flea markets

* Sweepstakes (sending money with the promise of winning. This can include shopping)

* Going out and paying to play bingo or other games

* Supporting other people's kids while babysitting but not getting paid enough if at all. Parents who ask someone else to babysit should be able to pay a fair share to the babysitter and even provide for the child's needs when dropping kids off at the babysitters.

* Buying unnecessary stuff near the checkout. This is a trap believe it or not as good as much of this stuff actually looks. This is a trap to get customers to spend more money. If you find yourself always broke, definitely don't fall for this trap.
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* Another trap to look for is when stores are constantly moving stuff around, preventing you from becoming too familiar with the store and just going straight to what you need. This is their trap to get you to spend more while looking around to find what you were originally in there for. Don't fall for this trap either if you happen to always find yourself broke.

Climbing out of poverty to a better life

* With the new able act it's OK to save money, you don't have to spend yourself broke each month. With the new able act, you can now save for more than you otherwise couldn't. Take advantage of those new accounts, the limits are very high. They're designed for people on federal benefits who have disabilities. As long as you're getting federal benefits and you're disabled, you qualify for a free able account. The only downfall is if something happens to you, Medicaid can snatch that money. Don't let that happen, open a POD account or you can actually turn your regular account into a POD account instead of having a joint account. Having a POD account is actually much safer than having a joint account since there's no risk of someone stealing your money. In the day of abusive probate guardianship, you'll definitely want to make sure to keep all of your money even offshore and make it as hard to find and get as absolutely possible. Sometimes people are secretly targeted but never alerted to a pending guardianship case. This happened with my foster dad, neither of us knew this was coming until it actually happened. Everyone needs to protect themselves by first educating themselves and protecting themselves, their finances and other assets. Professional guardians often back off and flee when they find out there's no money to get from the target. It's best to protect yourself and your finances now while you have that chance before someone grabs you and your money through court ordered guardianship. It sounds like your MIL is probably at risk for guardianship but it doesn't have to be that way. She can take steps now to better protect her money and any other assets she happens to have so she never becomes a guardianship target. Usually only the wealthiest become targets as they get older, and the older you get the more of a target you become. Once you help your MIL out of her current situation that's keeping her financially strapped, take steps to protect her by teaching her how to protect herself. Knowledge is power and power is prevention from future disaster

Hi JoyinAZ, this is a tough spot to be in. I would suggest talking with your children and explaining what you know. Like you said, they are adults and they can make their own decision. But at least let them make an informed decision. As far as whether there is any financial abuse going on, well that is up to your husband to find out. Since you have a strained relationship with your mother-in-law, I would discuss it with your husband and let him decide what to do. It's never a good idea to get in the middle of a situation where you don't know all of the details. Good luck. Take care of yourself!

They can, for instance, just say "no gma, I have to pay my auto insurance."

I sure wouldn't contact APS unless and until I was sure there was something actually wrong. They will assume the complaint is valid - and, depending on their caseload and budget, may not do a thorough investigation. My state is replete with APS abuses. And they have given themselves the authority to force their "services" on anyone over 65, even when the alleged victim says no. IMO if there is any financial abuse there will be some evidence of it - I'd make sure the accusations are factual before making a complaint. I'm just saying ...

If you have a strained relationship with MIL, why don't you get your husband to tell her 'we will sort it out after lunch/in a little while/ soon? See if it works, especially if she says she doesn't need the money. Just a thought. All the best.

First, SS checks are directly deposited. Unless BIL is on the her acct he can't get to her money. Your husband needs to tell his brother what is going on and Mom's accusations. If he won't you should. I doubt BIL is doing what MIL says he is. She is a manipulator. Like said, the children are adults but should know what is going on. Then if they choose to give grandmoms money that's up to them.
My MIL did this to her son. Told him she needed 1000 for a new pump. He gave it to her. When she passed he found she had 47K in the bank.

did he get it then?