She does not eat much any more and has no interest in doing anything. My husband and I spend a lot of time with her (she lives very close to us) but we both work and feel like we are not doing everything for her that she needs. The problem is we don't know what to do or where to turn. She doesn't want to live with us, and would never consider assisted living. Yet I feel like we should be doing more for her to make sure she is safe and well cared for.
We got lucky when one of my brothers got off of active duty and was unemployed. We moved him in with mom. It is far from a perfect solution and I tell mom it is the only choice.
You and your husband need to look at all the options with as much knowledge as you can find. The price of assisted living, the amount of money she has, the cost of preparing your home to move her in, the ability of you moving in with her, the ability to find good help. Make your decision with your husband and than do it. If she is suffering any dementia, for her own safety you have to take the reins and do what is best. If she is becoming unhealthy, the same thing.
My 93 year old mother, a nurse until she was 81! and a very independent woman had to give up her checkbook. It wasn't even a choice and she believes that we had her declared incompetent. But we had to do it, for her own good. My sister pays her bills now and gives her money to spend. It has been the most difficult thing we ever did! Believe me, we have had some difficult decisions, that was the hardest! We did it out of love and concern
I would consider adult day care or some senior meetings during the week to have her out with people during the day. Problem: her age, by 93 my father didn't want to sit up all day. The stamina is lacking by this point.
Everything takes lots more time at this stage, eating, bathing, toileting etc. So thinking they need to keep a certain schedule as they did at 80 generally isn't possible.
I would try to have someone there as a companion or home health aide during the mid day- to late afternoon hours (10am to 4pm) might work. Someone to help get them dress, feed lunch and someone to chat with during the day. This could eliminate the need to transport her to a day care center each day. Mobility normally becomes an issue. I would keep a PT coming for some armchair exercise if possible. If she still walks that would be something to try to maintain.
Good luck but just like the 80's aren't the 70's, so too the 90's aren't the 80's. Elder care gets progressively difficult, there is no quick fix---much of it is trial and error. Most of the experts never cared directly for a 90 something so much of their advice is useless. You face largely unchartered waters, just try to keep the elder safe, healthy and happy. You are doing your best. That's all you can do.
So I would hire a private pay home health aide or companion to be with your mother. If you get a good mix (elder to companion) they can assist them as they live their lives. Perhaps look into meals on wheels for lunch time. The elders get used to seeing the delivery person, we had a friendly guy who would
chat a couple of minutes with my dad (he liked seeing him each day).
I was a "companion" for a while, and I could cheer one client up by gossiping about my (historical) sex life. Maybe she would like someone funny, or someone who would sit and knit, or work in the garden or cook favorite recipes from her youth, or someone who would bring their dog for a visit.
Maybe tell her that the companion needs the job! She may feel awkward having someone in her home, but might get used to it with a compatible person if she gets over her initial shyness. Tell her to let the person come in 5 times before she decides to keep or fire them.
The thing is a lot of people do not want to be a "bother" to their children and their families so even if you ask them to move in with you they will say "No" even if they would really like to say "yes." Then again there are people who will continue to say "No" because they really do not want to live somewhere else. They are use to their homes and their routine and they do not want to be uprooted and have to get use to someone elses routine.
As people age they do lose interest in many or most things going on around them. My Mom was a crafty lady and she sewed and decorated our house when I was younger but after my Dad died, my Mom's world stopped, she felt that she was no longer needed even though my sister and I and my daughter were living here with her and assured her that was not so. But my Mom no longer has interests in anything, she verbalizes that she is just waiting to die. She will only leave the house to go to the cemetery or if she has a doctor appointment.
Good Luck and Best Wishes to You All!
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