My mother in law is in her late seventies. Her sister just recently passed away and her other sister is in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. With her older sisters recent passing, none of the decisions for funeral planning or...I am not sure how to say this correctly...where to put her were made or expressed in advance. (One of her four children had to fit the bill entirely on her own. The poor girl had to put the entire thing on her credit card...and I am sure by knowing her siblings will be paying it off on her own as well). The siblings that didn't bother to help of course had a boat load of opinions and wanted to disagree about everything. I feel unless my mother in law gets it together...we will be stuck with all of the finances and have to deal with the deadbeat siblings in our family. She absolutely refuses to even discuss it. When I told her that my husband and myself have a plot already paid for and have very precise instructions as to our choices, she told me she didn't care what we decided. I asked her if she had any money set aside for this (she has about $1700 a month in disposable income). Her response to me was that, it is not her responsibility to pay for it, that we have to deal with that. (Excuse me, what?) We built a thousand square foot mother in law apartment/addition onto our home. It has a separate entrance, separate yard, we fully furnished it with the furniture she chose and put in all the appliances and fixtures, flooring she wanted...so on and so on. She pays no rent or utilities of any kind. My husband paid off her car and pays the insurance and maintenance. Mind you, we live in a subdivision and still have a mortgage and now a second mortgage due to this. I was flabbergasted. What? I am fully annoyed. The fact that she will not even address the topic is very frustrating, but the fact that she feels we should provide for her funeral and burial without even making an attempt to take care of it on her own. Frustrating. Have you had this talk with your parents, did they make these decisions...did they avoid it? Did they expect you to pay for it? I am at a loss. I feel we have done so much and I do not think what we are asking of her is out of line. Maybe uncomfortable, but not out of line. How do we make her understand she needs to address this.
WOW. I can see how frustrating a situation like this can become. And seeing how your husband’s sibling had to foot the bill for your MIL’s sister’s funeral only adds to the stress.
First of all you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about the mountain of money that you’ve spent on creating a lovely space in your home for his mother, and the equally hefty second mortgage that now falls to the two of you to pay. It’s probably safe to say your husband’s sibling will NOT be stepping up and paying for another funeral. Perhaps you can suggest to your husband that he sit down with his mom and set some guidelines about money - since she’s got it in her head that she has had a home built especially for her and she has no intention of contributing financially to your household.
Also, hubby should gather his siblings and make a plan on how they can all chip in, a little at a time each, into a fund that will go towards their mom’s final expenses.
And finally, speak to your MIL directly. Gently remind her that the death of a loved one is devastating, and is further fueled by stress if there is no plan in place to see that a service and burial are taken care of. Know for SURE that the death of a parent or other family member can bring out the ugliness in people. Especially if there are expenses to contend with. But do let her know that you’re happy she is still with the family now - but one day she will pass on and you’d want the family to be able to spend that time remembering her, and not running around trying to orchestrate an unplanned funeral AND figure out how to pay for it.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.
I know that you probably can't do that, but can you tell your husband that it is time for her to live somewhere else? I think that you could rent that 1k apartment out for a decent amount, even an Airbnb would produce income instead of sucking your retirement so she can favor the other 3 children. Aaahhh! I wouldn't even be able to look at her I am so discussed with her attitude.
Then start trying to have at least say where she wants to be buried otherwise start looking at absurb funerals & show them to her .... at least you'll know what she doesn't want
We all will be at the mercy of others as we age. Better to be kind and hope that kindness will be returned when we need it! Many are bitter regarding taking care of our aging parents which is wrong.
It is sad to be bitter. Please don’t judge though without knowing the circumstances. Some parents have mistreated their children for years and bitterness is a result of that until the healing process begins. At that time a person who has been hurt can choose to forgive and bitterness can cease.
Where I live the funeral service account is allowed to be withdrawn & paid directly from the deceased's bank account. Maybe a call to her bank to ask their deceased/funeral policy? (I'd keep it anonymus!).
If she doesn't have the funds readily available, it would be reasonable to start that conversation on contributing or putting that aside. I get that different cultures have certain expectations & that sometimes older people expect the younger do it all for them... but surely your MIL would like to make things easy for you & your DH? "We will be so sad at that time . It would be a great comfort to us if we were prepared".
Thank God, my wonderful MIL did not raise her sons like that. My husband respects me.
Who is the executor of the will? I'm not sure if it is in all states, but I believe executors can be paid. If she doesn't want or care about her final resting place, find the least expensive option, let her know this is what it is, and get reimbursed afterwards.
And I'd certainly stop paying for everything! You've got your own life to live and pay for!
What I would do is sit your husband down and have a frank conversation about this and get on the same page about her funeral. Try to come to an agreement on how much you will pay for out of pocket. I don’t know what state you are in, but in California we paid $1300 to have my FIL cremated on June. That was without an urn.
I think that her lack of financial contribution to the household is a separate issue and whether she starts saving for her funeral or not, she needs to start contributing now. There is no good reason for you to be financially supporting her—and that is exactly what you are doing. She should be paying you room & board and helping with a few utilities or at least buying groceries. If you have to drive her around, she can fill your gas tank once in awhile and pay for an oil change too.
All joking aside, maybe she is a little "shocked" or grieving her sister's recent passing, so give it some time. I do agree with the ones that have mentioned that his son should do the approach. But if she won't even discuss it with him...then see original "joke"!
My family members so far have been very vocal and hands on with what they want after they pass away! I have one aunt that wants an all out wake...with lively music and all! My Grandma chose and paid for the arrangements! And my mom already said she wanted to be cremated!
Love this answer. Vikings were tough people! Adore your humor.
To me, personally, this end of life stuff is quite a waste of money. That said, not everyone thinks as I do, and many love celebrations of life, and a place to "visit" under the shade of an old oak. Some fine great comfort in religious ceremonies; many find closure.
So, there you are. You have lots of choices. If still MIL refuses to budge, then, when the time comes and given you do not pre-decede her (entirely possible since I just had a young acquaintence pass at 45 very suddenly), you can make a nice, quiet, relatively inexpensive choice for her. She seems to prefer it that way.
As a minister, I counsel families in this situation often. This isn't new. And sadly comes all too often with a spoonful of extra pain.
I fully understand your desire, and right, to have your questions answered. You are wise to be looking ahead with practicality. That said, if you take the lead in asking her these questions she is likely to make you the "bad guy" for forcing her to face these issues. Resentment generally will then bubble to the surface creating a host of other problems. I'm not suggesting such responses are justified, only to say, I've seen it happen countless times.
My suggestion would be to have a private talk with your husband to find out where he stands. Once you two are on the same page with expectations of what you will and will not be taking care of, it then becomes his job to have a talk with HIS Mom.
He can respectfully ask her what her wishes are for her years ahead, and then clearly state which of those details you & he will be helping with and which details she will need to financially cover with other sources.
I find myself explaining to people that these conversations come down to one thing, setting healthy boundaries. It need not be an ugly conversation once healthy boundaries and expectations are set. The thing I cannot stress enough, that conversation needs to happen between parent and child, AFTER the "child" has come to definite and unequivocal agreement with his/her spouse. And it actually makes the conversation with the parent easier when they enter the talk clearly knowing in advance which responsibilities they will accept.
Be the encourager to your spouse reminding him, once the two of you are on the same page, the talk with his mom is not a negotiation. He is simply sharing the facts with her. How she responds is her choice. MIL may not initially like the boundaries set, but to be blunt, "oh well." She'll swallow them a whole lot easier though if they come from her own child.
Your standing in the role of just 'supporting your husband' will keep you out of the line of fire and make your home a whole lot more peaceful as MIL must start making decisions she preferred to shove off onto others.
It's important to be respectful to our parents, while remembering our relationship with our spouse comes first.
My point is love finds a way. And arguing is actually a sign of a poor and weak personal relationship lacking in love for the dying person.