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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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At least you get some good days which most do not the days she thinks you are out to get her can you just not talk to her maybe she will learn better behaivior-it may not help except to make you feel stronger and believe me that might be the best you get been there you can not usuall change someone but you can change how it affects you.
With my mom this change can happen in an instant,though usually it is more directed at my dad than at me, that he is trying to get her.
Distract and redirect are the words I have been given here and on other boards. And sometimes that works, but sometimes it will be awhile before it works. If I can get Mom to get up and move, that also will bring a change often. But does your mom stay in the paranoid, agitated state all day? She may be in a different stage or have a different type of dementia than my mom.
What never works for me is to argue or try to reason. The reasoner in the brain is gone when Mom is in this frame of mind. No amouint of trying to appeal to it will work and will only heighten the agitation. I do try to minimize my talking with Mom in these states. Not because I think she will learn better behavior....I don't think that's within her capability anymore, though I could be wrong.
I'm working on how to change my reaction and emotions. As 195Austin said, how I am affected is all that is within my control.
Yes, I can relate to your situation. Mom (89, newly widowed, w/ dementia) gets upset with me often, as I won't let her have a dog, won't believe her paranoid stories, or let her move out of her house, etc. But there are those times when she tells me how much she loves me, and appreciates everything I (we) do for her, etc. It sure helps get me through the rough spots...at least for now. I keep reminding myself that it isn't her fault. I've read, and need to read again and again, "Learning to Speak Alzheimers"...lots of great ideas! Best of luck to you.
when my mom had Alzheimers and dementia (we lost her 2 years ago) we had the same type of problem. It really hurts but you have to remember it is the disease talking ...when your mom has moments of clarity you will seethe real her, but when the damn alzheimers is in the house..her mind is not right.My mother use to think we were stealing from her, her towels, her money, her scissors, dishes, anything. It is best not to contridict her about these issues, just try and ignore. I feel your pain it hurts just remebering those times...hang in there and remember, when she is saying hurtful things thats not her talking, thats the disease.
Enjoy the good days and let her rest when it's bad. Sometimes if you let her rest and check in a hour or so she may feel different. Just go with the moment. And like others said don' argue with her it only makes it worse. I have found that to be true.
Thanks for the comments & encouragement! Man, "knowing" it's the disease and NOT arguing with her about what's real is SO hard to do, especially when she asks me questions about stuff. I find it very hard to outright lie, and try to change the subject or distract her. I'm so thankful I don't have to be there ALL the time...whew! My husband, his sister and a friend all take shifts, and the friend is the only one paid for nights and cooking. That's working so far, as she couldn't afford full time paid companions/caregivers, but also not ready for nursing home. Hangin in there! Bless you guys. :-)
I would venture a guess that it may be your Mom's dementia that has a lot to do with this strange type of behavior. I would try to consult with the people from the Alzheimer's Association on this...and ALSO to be informed-as a caregiver - of the stages and behaviors involved..Also-try to get some much needed SUPPORToto see how others are handling this situation, as in this forum, Good luck on your caregiving journey. Hap
You have my total sympathy.I can just support what others have said, and add this. "It's not personal." I read this recently and I know how hard it to apply when the person is your Mother. But I know she has issues that have nothing to do with me, and I just catch it. You also have to really tell yourself over and over that it is the disease talking. I am caring for my husband, who has Alzheimer's and my Mother who has some other issues, but also has earlier Alz than my Husbands. I remember some time earlier, before I know what was going on with him, that I thought he was "being mean to me" (a very unusual thing) As I got involved in the Alz support group an learned more about what typically happens, I understood him more, and now he has passed into a new phase where he is very sweet. ( For which I am no end thankful) But the point is, my Mother is much more difficult for me than he is...and I am telling myself overand over that I can only change how I respond to her. I wouldn't say it is easy or that I am often successful, but I have also learned that it doesn't really matter what she gets angry about. she will get over it and there will be something new...so I need to let it go. She needs me, and tells other people how wonderful it is that I am here for her...and sometimes she tells me that, too...but I often am reminded of my shortcomings in no uncertain terms. I apologize for the rambling nature of this response, but that's how my brain is dealing right now. All the best to you.
this one I had to answer, my mother is the same way! but always has been, unpredictable,big time,sometimes really mean and nasty, even when I was a child maybe 7years old she kicked me out of the apartment, with all my toys and bicycle, I had no clue what to do so I slept in the stair case, to this day I am always afraid to lose my home and still have nightmares, my mom didnt have a mom her mom died at 2, she was thrown into an orphanage,noone came to see her etc........maybe something from her past has triggered this behavior, I am not a therapist but I can so relate to u, sometimes I would just sit and cry for a mom that I wished loved me.............you are not alone!
It is very hard for me to read this web site this time of year. I think back to 911 when I was to be in New York SEPT 11, 2001. I had to take some vacation time to check on mom after a fall she had. The flight was placed d in advance since she was in the hospital and be coming home with the docotor orders of having people come in to help. I was her durable power of attorney and health care epoxy. I was due to fly out early that afternoon, but went into work hours early to help out. Than it all happened, the attacked, flight was cancell, but I was able to get through some how on the phone to new York and the nursees and aides where there. My uncle also lived upstairs ( She had a two family home) I called the airlines and explained they told me they would get me on the next possible flight allowed into New York which was two weeks later. The docotor called and told me she was not that bad and her insurance paid for the extra care. When I got to New York I knew there was something more different with mom than the doctor had told me. I found out she had the begining stages of Alzheimers/dementia. She would get so upset with at times and yell at me, the house was not cleaned like before. I went through flying back and forth from Florida to New York so much.I had to make the doctor give her a test he did not beleive me the things she was doing or saying. I was proven right she was more into the illness than he thought. So in Jan 2005 after working at my job of 23 years I had to give notice and left June 2005. I was on the medical leave program they had which helped out over the years since I had my own medical health problems and I was my mom caregiver/legal rep/durable power of attorney. I worked for a good company that helped me out. Once again another fall and this time she would never be back in her home. She was first placed in a hospital than a rehab ( heath care nursing home). It took me almost two years to get her down to Florida due to all the laws and I had to clean up and sell her house. The nursing home placed a lein on it. But we made our home child safe in Florida and set up a room for mom with two beds so I could watch over at times/ and the extra bed room set up incase I needed a nurse, and also went looking for day care. However she was sicker than they told me, the fire resuce was at my house after four days. I was advised by them she was on too much medicine and I could not take care of her myself. I was hit, cursed at lock out of the house when she was up North and I was taking care of her. She burned pots. She had christmas present not open in years I found all this when I was cleaning. She did keep her illness hidden even after the docotor told her in 2003 what was going on, but I knew. Don't fell bad or get upset it's part of the illness. Yes the 24 hour Alzheimers helped me out and also the book about alzheimers (36 hour day book). I did found a beautiful assisting living in 2007 before we did bring mom to Florida for day care and in case something went wrong. I went to ten different places. I took mom for a visit she like it there. But after the fire resuce told me and the things she did to me in only a few days, I had to place her there. it was a home enviorment. I was there at least four times a week even did sleep overs. and my children visit regular on the weekends. I helped out with the activities, wached movies . She had a little private room with many pictures and a special bear that sang a song.She was doing good until last year after her 88 birthday in April and then in Sept 14th she was sent to the hospital. I was informed she was getting worse, and bleeding . I had to agree to one test, which I knew she would fail and also given two pints of blood. mom was going after two weeks the assisting living agree to let her come back and I wanted her die with diginity, in four short day it happen she was released from Tampa General on Oct 2 and died in my arms Oct 5 2009. She is at peace but I am not, I am not working , my nerves are shot but I am very active again with supporting our troops. May god watch over you and keep you strong. I did not know about this web site when every thing first started happening to me. HANG IN. Look back at the good days, play some soft music, look at photos. remember she is still your mom, but her mind is gone. At times you see the mom you remember , the anger is not placed on you and do not argue, it does make it worse.
Mom and I can be civil to each other one day at a time. If two days in a row are scheduled for whatever reason, there will be hostility. I have come to accept this and try not to schedule back to back days. She and I are so very different in our morals/attitudes that we can't get along for an extended period of time. For this reason she will never live with me and will have to go into an NH eventually. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. No need to actively defend yourself, but be prepared in the event you do need to. Sorry, this is a reality. AARP & other organizations have lobbied for laws that protect seniors, but ther are no laws or orgs. to protect caregivers. We are guilty until proven innocent it seems. There is a percentage of "the greatest generation" that are and have been evil all along (ALZ/dementia aside). The 21st centurie's witch hunts seem to be willing to burn caregivers at the stake, no matter how wicked the patient is. BE CAREFUL of your own wellbeing please!!!!!!
VictoriaSamuel, it's hard--I've been thru it! When my MIL lived with my husband (her son) & me (I was Primary Caregiver), one day she would get along with me and the next day (& sometimes it would be one morning and then the same afternoon)--she thought I was one of her worst enemies. She's now in the nursing home and I feel a HUGE weight lifted off of me! We went to see my MIL about 3 weeks ago, my MIL didn't quite remember my husband (her only son)--I felt sad for him. When my husband said to her, "I brought someone with me" and I stepped out from behind the wheelchair and asked her, "Hi, do you remember me?" She said, "Hi, Laura!" She knew me and I was afraid she wouldn't. I had been talking to my DPOA SIL and my SIL used to help me out by taking care of her when we needed a break. I was talking on the phone to her, and she said, "Mom doesn't even know me by name anymore, but she knows I'm one of her daughters." I thought, Oh well then I guess she won't know me anymore, either. ...but she knew me and right away!!! :) It'll pay off when she has to go to the NH. Just remember not to take it personally-it's just the disease. Good luck and you are doing a good thing by taking care of her! :)
I know how it feels, but my mom knew until the very end. She did forget my husband and grandchildren . They did visit a lot in the begining and also any time she had to go into the hospital. But never did she forget me by name but thought I was still little Patty very young not married. It is sad. And it also hurts alot. My mom is at peace now up north with dad in a New York veternan's cementary (together again). god bless you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Distract and redirect are the words I have been given here and on other boards. And sometimes that works, but sometimes it will be awhile before it works. If I can get Mom to get up and move, that also will bring a change often. But does your mom stay in the paranoid, agitated state all day? She may be in a different stage or have a different type of dementia than my mom.
What never works for me is to argue or try to reason. The reasoner in the brain is gone when Mom is in this frame of mind. No amouint of trying to appeal to it will work and will only heighten the agitation. I do try to minimize my talking with Mom in these states. Not because I think she will learn better behavior....I don't think that's within her capability anymore, though I could be wrong.
I'm working on how to change my reaction and emotions. As 195Austin said, how I am affected is all that is within my control.
Good luck on your caregiving journey.
Hap
I read this recently and I know how hard it to apply when the person is your Mother. But I know she has issues that have nothing to do with me, and I just catch it. You also have to really tell yourself over and over that it is the disease talking. I am caring for my husband, who has Alzheimer's and my Mother who has some other issues, but also has earlier Alz than my Husbands. I remember some time earlier, before I know what was going on with him, that I thought he was "being mean to me" (a very unusual thing) As I got involved in the Alz support group an learned more about what typically happens, I understood him more, and now he has passed into a new phase where he is very sweet. ( For which I am no end thankful) But the point is, my Mother is much more difficult for me than he is...and I am telling myself overand over that I can only change how I respond to her. I wouldn't say it is easy or that I am often successful, but I have also learned that it doesn't really matter what she gets angry about. she will get over it and there will be something new...so I need to let it go. She needs me, and tells other people how wonderful it is that I am here for her...and sometimes she tells me that, too...but I often am reminded of my shortcomings in no uncertain terms. I apologize for the rambling nature of this response, but that's how my brain is dealing right now. All the best to you.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. No need to actively defend yourself, but be prepared in the event you do need to. Sorry, this is a reality.
AARP & other organizations have lobbied for laws that protect seniors, but ther are no laws or orgs. to protect caregivers. We are guilty until proven innocent it seems. There is a percentage of "the greatest generation" that are and have been evil all along (ALZ/dementia aside). The 21st centurie's witch hunts seem to be willing to burn caregivers at the stake, no matter how wicked the patient is.
BE CAREFUL of your own wellbeing please!!!!!!
lifted off of me! We went to see my MIL about 3 weeks ago, my MIL didn't quite remember my husband (her only son)--I felt sad for him. When my husband said to her, "I brought someone with me" and I stepped out from behind the wheelchair and asked her, "Hi, do you remember me?"
She said, "Hi, Laura!" She knew me and I was afraid she wouldn't. I had been talking to my DPOA SIL and my SIL used to help me out by taking care of her when we needed a break. I was talking on the phone to her, and she said, "Mom doesn't even know me by name anymore, but she knows I'm one of her daughters." I thought, Oh well then I guess she won't know me anymore, either. ...but she knew me and right away!!! :)
It'll pay off when she has to go to the NH. Just remember not to take it personally-it's just the disease. Good luck and you are doing a good thing by taking care of her! :)