My mom is 86 and has lived in a memory care unit for 3 yrs now. She is always unhappy and scared. Her memory isn't that bad yet, but she is getting more forgetful. She still knows the people around her and other things.
Her worst problem is anxiety! She has always had anxiety issues for most of her life, but they seem to be getting much worse. She takes the highest dose of Xanax that she can safely take and she takes it 4 times a day. She also takes a pill for depression once a day at night. The Xanax isn't new — she has taken it for at least 10 yrs.
She is very argumentative with me and staff. I go see her every other day, but she is never happy. It's getting harder to harder to visit her. I start the visit in a happy and good mood, but 10 mins into the visit she is complaining and being mean. I leave mentally drained after every visit. Sometimes I sit in the parking lot before I go in and just wish I didn't have to go. Then the guilt eats me up! I am the only visitor she gets because my children stopped going because she gets them so upset and my brother and sister live in other states.
Mom has always had macular degeneration and it's end-stage, so her vision is very poor. I bought her a bigger TV, but she has no interest in it. I take her to activities when I am there, but she complains most of the time (though she does participate).
I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't think the staff does, either. It's terrible for her to be so anxious all day long. That is very hard on her.
I bring her to my house once in a while, but that is probably coming to an end, too, because the last holiday was so bad with her that everyone was upset. I always host the family and I can't have her ruining everyone's holiday.
I am trying to come up with things that she can do to occupy her time when I'm not there and when there isn't an activity going on, but her vision makes things hard. Also, she has no coping skills and she constantly wants someone with her and that is impossible.
I would take any suggestions anyone has that might help make things at least tolerable for her. I am all out of ideas. Thank you for reading; I know this was long!
In the meantime, you can and should cut back on your visits with her. You may be unintentionally triggering her complaints and negativity, so some breaks may be healthy for her as well as for you.
The PA comes right to her facility. The Director of Nursing at your Mom's facility can make that happen.
it sounds like her medication needs changing
It doesn’t appear to be working
time to speak to her doctor and mention her bad mood swings
yes- there comes a time when you have to forget about any unfounded guilt and realise that fir your mental health and family it may not be wise for mother to stay again if it’s causing issues
maybe sone calming music left on did your mum
if she has a tv can it be tuned into you tube and Google calming music ?
Will a little present cheer her up alter her mood any
a tiny cake if her health allows
divert attention to something else
if it’s getting too much it screams you need a break
tell her you are going on holiday and be back soon n just rest and switch off?
sounds tho like the doctor needs to be consulted
Guilt is entirely inappropriate to this situation. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. Guilt requires causation and a refusal, out of evil intent, to fix things. The proper word is "grief" and this is all worth mourning. Your mom is agitated and unhappy and you can fix it. She is in pain and you are standing witness to it. That's very painful, but you aren't a felon. Words are VERY important, so don't use "guilt".
Do know that there are very few fixes when things get this bad. The only answer is peace and peace comes with death. Meanwhile you have to do the best you can with medical help, but in aging in this country or really anywhere else there is no happiness. It is a time of loss and pain and grieving. I am so very sorry.
Oops, I’m sure you meant cannot fix it.
I agree about the fidget blankets and maybe a doll or stuffed animal. The audio books? With my Mom, her mind jumped around. She would be talking and I'd answer back and then she would look at me like I was nuts because, she was now on a different subject. I don't think a Dementia mind could follow an audio book. I don't have Dementia and can't.
Sounds as you are in the exact same pattern as I am. Mom has been in AL since mid November. We continue to work with her doctor on medication to help with the anxiety, after months of Xanax unsuccessful. As well, Seroquel unsuccessful. We're now trying Risperidone in liquid form. It's only been a couple of weeks, and mom is known to often refuse her medications so we don't really have a good handle on this yet. I am considering bringing her back home but know this comes with a great deal of challenges. But as I'm with you, as I'm at AL so often, thinking home care may be back on my radar. Holding off for now. Good luck to you.
Have a neurologist or psychiatrist versed in geriatrics see about changing to a different medication,
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