My mom lives in NY. I am in NC. She’s 85. Depression has lasted now about 8 months. Then she comes out of it and seems receptive to move. The window is about 6 weeks. She is out of it as of yesterday. I’m trying to get going with it. Apartment furniture etc. picking Oct 19 as the move. Of course she has a cold and says no I won’t be able to move for a month. Then window will be gone. My brothers will help but only if I get her out of house and she’s willing. That’s a fantasy. She has lived there for 62 years. Her house is horrible. To the point I cannot visit. I am sick over this because I love my mom and want to do the right thing. But I know my life will be turned upside down. I fear the move will only throw her into another depression. I’ll have to deal with it. My brothers will be done. What’s the happy middle road if there is one? Guilt over letting her stay in NY overwhelms me, but also of not wanting to be part of this depression. I fear my relationships will suffer. I’m a caretaker at heart but she CAN NOT live with me. My body cries out no but my heart says I need to. Please help.
C-A-N-N-O-T.
You can't for one with dementia or depression or one just uncooperative".
Stop trying to do the impossible. There'll be no thanks for it.
You are not POA at this point and your mother has no dementia. You have no power in this and need to let it go. My advice: DO NOT GET POA.
Call APS for a wellness check. Let them assess her mentation. I will be they tell you she is competent to make her own choice.
IF APS says your mom seems incompetent ask that they transport her to hospital for assessment and diagnosis and placement. Tell them she is uncooperative with you, and you cannot travel to her nor manage her care.
Let the state take guardianship. They will do an:
1. admission for diagnosis of dementia and incompetency (or not)
2. placement
3. Her management of finances.
A state appointed Fiduciary will take this on.
You cannot do the IMPOSSIBLE. You have currently an undiagnosed, uncooperative, depressed, messy senior stuck in her home many miles from you.
We all die. She may well die in these circumstances. But let me give you ANOTHER screnario of circumstance in which she will ALSO die, but you will implode on her burning funeral pyre right along with her:
1. You intervene. She fights you. You battle her. You go to court and get conservatorship and a diagnosis of incompetency (you have NO IDEA the nightmare that awaits you the other side of THAT! And no court will ever allow you to resign it)
2. Somehow, after a year BEING THERE IN NY you get this move done. I cannot imagine how, but you do. And miraculously you get that horror-house cleaned out and sold (I want you to imagine all this in your head).
3. She is now with you in NC with you. And what? Just what? She's in your home? She's in care? Because whichever it is and wherever she is the one certainty here is that she HATES YOU. You are not her loving daughter. You are a caregiver boss, and that's a whole different thing.
My advice to you--let her alone.
A few years ago I would never have said that. But I am 82. And I was POA and Trustee and care manager for my beloved brother (Lewy's dementia) who was only down the state from me, and who was happily PERFECTLY neat, organized and COOPERATIVE. Even given that it was a mammoth and very anxiety producing dance. And he had only a teeny home in a prized community, neat as a pin to sell.
Please don't attempt to do this to yourself.
C-A-N-N-O-T.
You can't for one with dementia or depression or one just uncooperative".
Stop trying to do the impossible. There'll be no thanks for it.
You are not POA at this point and your mother has no dementia. You have no power in this and need to let it go. My advice: DO NOT GET POA.
Call APS for a wellness check. Let them assess her mentation. I will be they tell you she is competent to make her own choice.
IF APS says your mom seems incompetent ask that they transport her to hospital for assessment and diagnosis and placement. Tell them she is uncooperative with you, and you cannot travel to her nor manage her care.
Let the state take guardianship. They will do an:
1. admission for diagnosis of dementia and incompetency (or not)
2. placement
3. Her management of finances.
A state appointed Fiduciary will take this on.
You cannot do the IMPOSSIBLE. You have currently an undiagnosed, uncooperative, depressed, messy senior stuck in her home many miles from you.
We all die. She may well die in these circumstances. But let me give you ANOTHER screnario of circumstance in which she will ALSO die, but you will implode on her burning funeral pyre right along with her:
1. You intervene. She fights you. You battle her. You go to court and get conservatorship and a diagnosis of incompetency (you have NO IDEA the nightmare that awaits you the other side of THAT! And no court will ever allow you to resign it)
2. Somehow, after a year BEING THERE IN NY you get this move done. I cannot imagine how, but you do. And miraculously you get that horror-house cleaned out and sold (I want you to imagine all this in your head).
3. She is now with you in NC with you. And what? Just what? She's in your home? She's in care? Because whichever it is and wherever she is the one certainty here is that she HATES YOU. You are not her loving daughter. You are a caregiver boss, and that's a whole different thing.
My advice to you--let her alone.
A few years ago I would never have said that. But I am 82. And I was POA and Trustee and care manager for my beloved brother (Lewy's dementia) who was only down the state from me, and who was happily PERFECTLY neat, organized and COOPERATIVE. Even given that it was a mammoth and very anxiety producing dance. And he had only a teeny home in a prized community, neat as a pin to sell.
Please don't attempt to do this to yourself.
You will sacrifice your health and your sanity and she will not thank you for it.
Tell your brothers you are DONE. Let them know if they've no interest this all goes to the state for management.
Wash your hands of this.
That is my honest advice. I doubt another soul would agree with me. But that's my advice.
Much of what you are feeling is greif, not guilt, greif of watching your mom decline, and her living conditions.
I live near my mom. Some days I feel strong enough and in a good place to go deal with her, on the days I don't if it's it's been a long time and I start to go back into that , guilt trap, that mom groomed into me. I tell myself over and over you didn't cause this, you didn't make her old, and you definitely didn't cause her to not have any friends, or to live out in the country.
Are moms caused this, it is my responsibility to look at my future, so my kids can live there life , the way they wish to , without feeling trapped. I will not jeopardize my relationships, for mom.
I hope you can figure this out without it effects your , mental, physical, financial, and relationship
Put yourself first!
Best of luck
The only thing that moving her closer to you would do is provide you with a front row seat on the rollercoaster.
Your mom needs treatment for the depression that is probably bi-polar.
What moving her will do is take her away from an area that she has lived in for 62 years and putting her into an area where she knows no one, does not know the area, does not know how to navigate both physically and mentally.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/should-i-move-my-mom-489028.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/moving-my-mom-490339.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-get-my-mom-to-move-483755.htm
I can only recommend the memoir Never Simple by Liz Scheier. Author tried for decades to help her mentally challenged Mom, along with the entire auspices of the city and state of New York. To no avail.
They say that doing the same thing over and over with no result is the definition of insanity. Don't know that it's the definition, but it is certain one road map to getting there.