The VA benefit was assigned to me to help my mother buy medicine, take care of her and other miscellaneous things she needs monthly. Now that I am moving out but still will be taking care of her daily, my son who lives here is going to try and take that small amount of money away from me and my mother and use it to run this house. He and his lazy money hungry wife are trying to take everything from her to add to their comfort while they are here. What can I do to stop them from touching any of her monies. I have POA which he wants me to sign over to her. Can I refuse since that is a legal document. Now I am fighting all of this alone...with no one to advise or help me. I am so depressed because loved ones have turned vengeful and uncaring. What can I do to keep him from taking all of her money when he and his wife together make about 60,000 and I get a very small widows pension from my deceased husband every month. I plan on going back to work and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive any of them ever again.
I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you are taking yourself out of this living situation. That is a key move, which you should stick to. Do not get sidetracked.
Meanwhile, the VA money paid to you for your mother's upkeep must be spent wholly and exclusively on her upkeep. You may not use it for any other purpose: not for yourself, and not for your son. Having said that, obviously one of your mother's main expenses is her household. While her grandson and his family reside at her house with her consent, her household expenses will be greater than they otherwise would be. Utilities bills, and simply the maintenance of a property that is larger than she herself needs, will necessarily cost more.
I think you need to split your worries up into their constituent parts.
1. Yourself. You are embarking on a new life, in a new home. Make sure you are making this your priority until you are securely established.
2. Your mother's welfare, for which, having accepted POA, you have agreed to be responsible when she is no longer able to be. I can't remember if your mother has capacity? - if she is able to understand her own situation and make appropriate, reasoned decisions? If she has, and she wants to remain in her own home with her grandson and family staying there, then you will just have to make the best you can of that unsatisfactory situation because you cannot overrule her; but any adverse consequences of it are not your doing and not your fault. Once she loses capacity, with your POA you will have all the authority you need to remove her to a safer place, sell her house, and devote the money to her care. Until then, your hands are tied.
3. Your son and his family. For "vengeful and uncaring", to be charitable, I read "freaking out and self-centred." It isn't that your son wishes you harm, it's that he believes you are harming him: you're not, but that's how he is choosing to see it. There he is, sitting pretty in his grandmother's comfy home, with you carrying all the burdens. That suited him just fine. Now you're changing it, which doesn't suit him, so he's reacting. It's natural he doesn't like it, but TOUGH!!! Time to grow up and take responsibility for the family unit he chose to establish. If you want to help him, do what you can to advise him on important decisions he needs to make: where are they going to live, how are they going to support themselves, how is he going to take care of his family? These questions are NOT your problem, but they do need to be answered. Separate what you are responsible for doing, from what you naturally do care about but are NOT responsible for.
This transitional period is going to be hard going. I wish we could offer practical help - that's the drawback of the virtual world, we get to know about people we care about but can't reach. But take courage! The aim is for you to be enjoying independent life, for your mother to be in a safe environment where her care needs are met, and for your son to be taking care of a thriving young family in a home of their own. Keep your eyes on those, and keep going. We're all behind you xxx
And how is your son going to try to take over her money? Is it sent to you? Be sure to inform the VA of your new address.
I think I would do everything electronically and check her balances, daily.
Get yourself out of there, get a job, a life and leave your son and his grandma to deal with each other. Your mother won't go to assisted living willingly and she is clearly killing you with her demands. Let your son have a go at managing this; if he misuses her money, he'll go to jail and she'll become a ward of the state. That's what happens when you don't cooperate. You've done your best.
Well, now. You are leaving that environment because you do indeed aim to break it up. And you're breaking it up because it is good for NOBODY who's living in it. So. What you need to convince your son of is that enabling his grandmother's refusal to accept that she has to change her living arrangements is plain wrong. Bad for her, bad for him, bad for his g/f and child. Not bad for you any more :) - but only because you've had the breakthrough realisation that it cannot continue. So: he must stop indulging his grandmother's clinging to the house, cut out the burning martyr crap, and start organising his own family.
His grandmother may be playing the poor helpless hard-done-by sweet little old lady card with him. He doesn't have to fall for it. You are, as you say, there to make sure no harm comes to her and you have every intention of continuing to do that. Over the next couple of months, do your best to demonstrate that grandma will be fine without his support. Gradually withdraw your input into everything else you get lumbered with. Try to keep your sense of humour, and be patient in the face of bad temper and nasty remarks. Talk openly to him about what you're trying to accomplish. Explain to him as bluntly as you like that he is not responsible for his grandmother's welfare, it is not his job, and nobody made him king.
Is he still entertaining some fond idea that he, girlfriend and child will end up as owner occupiers of the house when (God forbid) his grandmother passes away? How does he imagine he is going to find the necessary capital to pay off the reverse mortgage?
Speaking of which, how old is that debt and what did your mother do with the money? As I understand it, this could have serious implications for funding her continuing care, whether at home or in another setting. What would be your ideal plan for that?
For the holidays, and until you're safely out of the way, remember there is a small child in the house and as far as you possibly can just 'keep calm and carry on.' Maybe celebrations will need to be in a lower key than normal, but do celebrate. Essentially, try to set everyone an example. Deep breaths. This too will pass.
As many had mentioned to you over the past years, please please please sell your Mom's house, take the equity and use it all for her care in a facility. She deserves it, you deserve it.
Tell your son to once again put on those big boy pants and start a life of his own with his new wife. He needs to get out of the house, their toddler doesn't need to be around someone who has dementia, unless your son thinks his Grandma is going to give him the house, and that is why he is hanging on for dear life.
Gloria, if your Mom didn't have a reverse mortgage, she would have been able to sell her house years ago, and be happily living in a nice retirement community. In a sense, she is forced to live in a home that isn't elder friendly [with all the high drama going on]... plus a toddler underfoot. She will eventually get very jealous of that child.
Reverse mortgages are rarely 100% of the equity. Mortgage companies like to have buffers when it comes to reverse mortgages, so they mortgage around 60% of the equity. You need to check to see if there is some equity that would go to your Mom before you hand over the Deed to HUD.
So many elders refuse to even tour the retirement communities... they are still under the myth that today's assistant living/nursing homes are cruel dark places.
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