My husband and I sold our home in another state and moved into my father-in-law's home. Our goal was to help care for him as he is 103 years old. He is in great physical health and can take care of all of his personal needs. He does have dementia. He still knows all of us, but doesn't really remember people outside of our immediate family. His short term memory is inconsistent. He does a lot of things out of habit and muscle memory... like making breakfast, mowing the lawn, etc. If he stops doing an activity, he will completely forget how to do it and can't relearn the skill. He is mostly pleasant to be around, but can get moody, angry and depressed. He can be alone for short periods of time, but he doesn't feel safe being alone. Therefore, he wants us to be around ALL of the time. We love him and enjoy spending time with him, but we need to get some balance. We bought a house a short distance from him that we use for respite for ourselves.
We would like to move into the house we bought and bring care for him into his home in the evenings and possibly throughout the day. We don't want to hurt him, but we can't be 24/7 any longer. He will not move into an assisted living facility.
Any advice on how to have this conversation with him?
Once you get others involved in the care on a regular basis, then you could evaluate moving to the other house. Considering his age, I just don't think I would up and move without a better transition plan - or - just continue to live there to spend what time is left with him and use hired help to handle the chores. I don't think I'd be able to move on at this point leaving him in the hands of others without my own watchful eye. Dementia stability (if there is to be any) lasts longer when there aren't drastic changes.
Now we have tax file numbers to get a job, so it probably would be more difficult to get reborn!
I think there are 2 "tricks" to this situation.
1. Everyone who can possibly be giving care to your father-in-law, needs to be in agreement with the plan and decisions. In order to be in agreement, not only must you agree to the plan, you must also come up with solutions for the "what if" scenarios. Everyone needs to agree to the actions that need to be taken in order for the plan to succeed.
2. Then choose a time to gather everyone and tell your father-in-law of the plan. When you tell him of the plan, make sure that you put the reason why things must change, on you, not your father-in-law. The reasons for this are because in addition to being the owner of the change, it also sets up the discussion so that HE does NOT have to change. In other words, no matter how he promises to change, the plan will still go on because the plan is not dependent upon him.
Even though my Mom was moderate dementia, she immediately become more rational and coherent and conniving when it had to do with anything about her care. She tried the divide and conquer, the guilt trip, misinterpretation of what was said, and of course the bully. Because we were all in complete agreement with the plan, she got consistent straight answers, which is key to communicating with people with memory loss. She didn't like the answers, but no one wavered, hence the plan went through. Even 3 months later, she was re-asking the same question (and getting the same answer.)
You can do it too!
Tell dad that the home care is what will keep him at home.
There is no cure for dementia...........make plans that address his issues today and tomorrow, no matter how many tomorrows he has left. Oh, and start making your own end-of-life plans so that no one else needs to make decisions for you.
In truth, the help *is* for you, and I do not say that in a critical way.
Another suggestion is to actually be there with the new caregiver as your FIL is getting to know them. Hopefully, even with his limited ability to learn new skills, he will become familiar enough with them that he isn't frightened the first time you leave him alone with them.
Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful, loving family.
He will need a live-in caregiver to take over for you and your husband. Move into your new home and tell him that he's getting a live-in 'housekeeper'. Make sure to tell him Medicare is paying for it because so many of our beloved elders don't want to pay for anything.
There will be an adjustment period, but he will get used to her. I've worked for many elders with dementia who would not remember why I was there. It just takes time. The new 'housekeeper' will become familar to him in time and he will accept her.
Have one come over, introduce your friend "Gail"
Gail can help you change bedding and do laundry on Monday.
Gail can help you do some cleaning on Wednesday.
Gail can help prep some dinners for the weekend on Friday and all of a sudden you need to run out to get potatoes for the stew you are making. Gail can stay with FIL for 30 minutes to an hour while you run to the store.
The following week Monday is the same but Wednesday you have a "dentist appointment" and will be gone for 2 hours.
Friday you are going to meet a friend for lunch and will also be gone 2 hours.
He will get used to "Gail" and be more accepting of her.
The other option is to find an Adult Day Program that he can go to. They typically pick up in the morning, the participants get a snack and a lunch. Maybe an afternoon snack as well then the bus/van returns them home at the end of the day.
A program like that is good as it is consistent and it sounds like he likes routine.
What are fil's finances? Could he afford a facility, if (probably WHEN) increasing needs require that? Could he become Medicaid-eligible?
Are YOU willing to take on more and more of his care? Often this is (wrongly!) expected of the DIL.
Are you being compensated in any way by him?
He can't drive anymore - time to take the wheel.
Do what you think works best for both parties (him and his caregivers). If he is still active and mowing the lawn, etc. it may be best to have aids come to the house and maybe someone over night. Maybe consider an adult day care. Him wanting you to be around 24/7 is called Shadowing and is a characteristic behavior of dementia. You won't ever be able to get him "reassured" that he is "safe" so do what you need to so you don't burn out. Have the aid(s) keep him physically and mentally busy during the day so that he sleeps through the night. Having in-home aids 24/7 will eventually cost more than a facility.
In any other situation I would recommend AL for all its healthy social exposure but at 103 and him having great mobility and activity level... I'd say it's ok to preserve that by keeping him home, if possible.
If you decide to transition him to AL then you can use a therapeutic fib to get and keep him there: The house has a dangerous gas leak / infestation / broken a/c or furnace, etc. You have to go to a temporary apartment until it is fixed. Most facilities are familiar with going along with this type of strategy.
Your profile says he has depression so I would recommend this be discussed with his doctor to see if meds would be an option, and it *may* "help" the shadowing.
* If without help option is safe, it may work for a time... but if not, this forces moving into care - which IS choice A anyway: Accepting help from others, in a different location!
My LO, same. Help got accepted & staff quickly became 'trusted people'.
Staff shortages has brought challenges, cancellations & unknown replacements + fear of strangers again but the choice is same.. Choice A or B: Accept help or Be without help.
I would venture to guess that with those being his only 2 options that he will welcome with open arms outside help coming in to assist him.
Good luck!