My father drinks a bottle (1.75 L) of Kessler whiskey a week, straight out of the bottle. He also drinks about a case of beer a week. I think that is too much to drink with his medications and medical history. He lives in his home with my 84 year old mother with a paid care giver coming 4 mornings a week. He has a host of medical issues with congestive heart failure the most serious. We had a mini-intervention at his doctor's office last summer but he is adamant about continuing to drink. He says he's worked hard all his life and now deserves a drink and doesn't think it's a problem. I agree with a drink - preferably a cocktail - a day, but he doesn't quit there. He starts drinking first thing in the morning. Gets sloppy drunk occasionally but mostly just cranky. My mom has mild dementia and has put up with my dad's stubborn personality all of their married life. He does not physically hurt her, but I know it hurts her to see him drink. The neighbor buys the alcohol for him but he is also the neighbor that checks on them several days a week. His doctor said we would need to be careful if we took away his alcohol suddenly due to withdrawal issues. I don't know whether to push for alcohol abstinence? He obviously isn't able to limit himself to a drink or two a day. Or do I just let him be and drink himself to death? I don't want to put him through rehab at this point. I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you.
You don't say how long your father has been an alcoholic, but that doesn't matter.
You asked us if you should "let him be" an alcoholic.
Whomever helped in the mini-intervention wasn't very good at it, because no one "let's" someone be an alcoholic. No one lets someone eat pototo chips, either. The sad truth is that:
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER WHATSOEVER
I will do my same old-same old recommendation here, K. That's to get yourself to Al-Anon meetings as fast as you can. Attend them religiously. This is the first and last of what you will learn there: There is nothing you can do for any alcoholic but decide whether to stay or to go. That means whether to cut him/her from your life, or to accept that you are dealing with an alcoholic, and do that with the knowledge and tools you will learn in Al-Anon. This may be helpful for your mother as well, or it may not.
You don't tell us how old your Dad is. It's really fairly irrelevant. With this level of drinking and with a failing heart he will not long be here. Your Mom has likely known that, and she'll likely choose to last the duration. Support her. Don't stress your mom with things that cannot be changed. Together with her practice the serenity prayer, and I say that as an atheist who uses it almost daily.
My heart goes out to you, but you have no control over what your father does with his life. I think it's unlikely your dad will change. Should he wish to go to an AA meeting with you then tell him you would be happy to attend one with him, no matter he's sober or not. Stop talking to him about his drinking. It is needlessly stressing you both. But that's about it. Tell your mom you are there for her and will support her when she needs you.
I am so very sorry. You are so very not alone. Alcoholism is rampant across the world. I know that's no comfort to you. I am so sorry.
What you need to prepare for is to remove your Mom from that home if you are her PoA . Whoever is her PoA will need to have the authority activated through an official medical diagnosis by her primary physician.
If neither of them has a PoA and they are unwilling to assign anyone, then you will need to call and report them to APS and continue to call APS (I think you can do it anonymously). If APS determines that your Dad is a danger to himself or others, they will either remove him from the home or your Mom.
The neighbor buying the alcohol... not sure they know what "liability" means. But it's true your Dad requires a medical detox so that cold turkey doesn't kill him.
Alcoholics get a specific type of dementia called Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (aka "wet brain"). It's due to blocked vitamin absorption from the alcohol consumption. He may get cirrhosis eventually, as well.
I'm so sorry for this situation. It's going to get ugly for a while and then eventually an "event' will happen that lands one of them in the hospital or a facility during a crisis. Please stop romanticizing that he, at 86, is going to voluntarily stop drinking and that the neighbor will stop buying him the booze. The neighbor probably drinks, too.
Also, there are Youtube videos Al-Anon (podcasts) that you can listen to. These were a lifesaver for me when our meetings closed during the pandemic. We lost a slew of meetings here in Washington, DC, during the pandemic and many have not resumed in person. We also lost our service center for the DMV area since no one wanted to take on the roles to keep our area service center open.
I had plenty of elderly clients who drank and one who does now. I asked him about his drinking. He would sit in his own filth until one day I got so fed up after cleaning a nasty toilet that I told him that I was going to talk to him the way I used to speak to my husband. He was like; Oh no! I told him point blank that if his visiting nurse were to come and see him in those nasty clothes and unwashed smelly clothes in the bedroom that he was headed for a call to the APS if he didn't straighten up his act. I told him that I am a mandated reporter for any client who is showing signs of self-neglect. Also, I told him that he needed to purchase sheets for his bed.
Well, a week later after the talk, he ordered new sheets for the bedroom, seven new shirts, underwear and at least five pairs of new pants. He is going to order a new quilt for his bed. I haven't been seeing too many beer cans like I did in the beginning. Yesterday, he was ready to talk about his younger years how he would drink and party. Also, there were all types of cleaners for me to clean the kitchen and bathroom plus some Febreeze air freshner to spray. I can now go into the apartment without a N 95 mask now.
As for your 86 year old dad, alcohol has become part of his biochemistry. Leave him alone about the drinking. Unless he is raising hell and getting sloppy drunk threatening to kill everybody, there is not much you can do. If he is just sitting in a chair while throwing them back and talking smack as we say here in this area, I would just ignore his behavior. Make sure he gets to his appts. and such. Unfortunately, it's not much you can do for him at this point. Drinking has been part of his entire life.
The neighbor who is buying your dad the hooch is an enabler. Even if you told the neighbor to stop, your dad will find someone else or have the liquor store deliver the goods.
I understand how you feel though. My mother was an alcoholic and was taking medications. She died at a young age. She almost made it to seventy.
And bring your mother as well if she is open to it. And perhaps even your neighbor as they are enabling your father by supplying his drug of choice.
Just please make sure that your father isn't driving and jeopardizing the lives of innocent people on the road ways.
You'll never be able to live with yourself if he were to kill or seriously injure someone because he was driving drunk and you did nothing to stop him.
You can say something like "I'll keep that in mind" if you want to be polite, or just ignore them. Sounds like you're doing great.
My grandfather was like that. Drank and smoked all his life and lived to be 96 years old and God bless.
Your father is not giving up the booze at his age, nor should he be expected to. If your mother is bothered by it, move her out of the house. Like you said, he's not harming her. If she has dementia, you may want to start making some plans for what her future is going to look like. As for your father, leave the guy be. He's right. He worked all his life and now if he wants to drink, that's his business. So long as he's not driving.