We are in our 5th year dealing with Vascular Dementia. My 91yo wife believes her home is in an adjacent city, Panama City. She packs to go home nearly everyday. When asked the address she gets more agitated. She says she can show me. In the past year, I have driven countless hours with her directions only for her to get frustrated and more agitated. The longest drive has been 2 hours. Usually, she will get tired, fall to sleep for a few hours, and forget. But...she gets upset because 'someone' has been in her room and packed her clothes! Yesterday we hit a new level. She went outside and yelled for HELP! The police showed up (they already have documented incidents) and used their resources to prove she doesn't have a home there and demonstrated that she is indeed in her home. She promised she would stay. She wanted me arrested because I'm keeping her from going home. The officer was very compassionate and talked that away as well. This morning, she is back at it again. I'm exhausted!! She is still quite independent and attends to her own ADLs with some prompting and reminding. She has been with In-Home Hospice care for medical purposes because she refuses to go to her doctor appointments. Any solutions from anyone else dealing with this issue?.
Are you her PoA? Is anyone?
Does she have a medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment?
I'm asking these questions because without a PoA, and no actual diagnosis, and her unwillingness to even go to the doctor, your options to help her will become quite limited, especially if her body is mobile and healthy but her mind is not. So, more information would be helpful.
If I were in your situation, the next time she starts having a delusion about living someplace else or yelling for help, etc. call 911 again and tell them she is delusional and may have a UTI and won't go to the clinic. They will hopefully get her to the ER, at which point they will test her for a UTI (and this is always a legitimate concern for elderly women since they are very prone to UTIs due to changes in hormones, pH and physiology).
Once there you can chose to talk to a hospital social worker to discuss next steps: do you want to keep her at home to care for her? As you are now experiencing, it is getting very challenging and exhausting to be her only caregiver. Can you hire aids to help you during the day, at least for now? This is an option if you can afford it -- even if she fights it (you tell her the aids are there to help YOU).
The other option is to transition her into AL or MC if her symptoms are from actual cognitive decline and not a UTI or any other medical problem. It may be possible to move her directly into a facility but other moving parts have to come together: you need to pick out an affordable place, they need to have open beds, etc. This is a very doable option for LOs who are physically resistant to moving. If she doesn't have a PoA and no actual diagnosis of dementia, the hospital may decide to discharge her, but you aren't under an obligation to go get her, since she is an "unsafe discharge".
Again, more info from you would be helpful in giving you the best guidance.
Ask hospice to give her some Ativan for anxiety. It helped my mother a lot when she was anxiety ridden and demanding to ride the subway to go home to see her (deceased) parents and siblings in New York (from Colorado).
Good luck to you